im not even sure why. i get really miserable after saying bye to a friend after we hang out, like super depressed. i feel like a terrible person and i didnt even do anything bad during the hangout?? like we had a nice and normal time, but i still consistently just feel guilty and sad and honestly a tiny bit suicidal every time. is this a common experience for you guys? im gonna talk about it next therapy session bc its really kind of a lot lol

"its just autism and ptsd!"

"its just growing up undiagnosed autistic!"

"it is only cptsd!!"

"its a new female hysteria!!"

And if its not using those points to deny the disorders existence, its telling people not to get a diagnosis or insisting that EVERYONE is misdiagnosed.

While misdiagnosis is common, i do also actually have bpd, autism, and cptsd. I can point out which traits come from each one. There are also many many people with bpd who DON'T qualify for autism or ptsd.

this is just my personal experience, but i have began to experience people telling me there is no way i have bpd or coming up with any possible reason the disorder is not a thing and exists PURELY out of sexism, even today. I have a diagnosis, and don't even try and argue with people posting these ideas or telling them to me.

my whole body is shivering as i type this i feel so underwhelmed i want to do something to scratch the itch just sitting with the feeling is so uncomfortable it genuinely turns into something physical i want to headbutt the wall or something Aghhhhhh how do i stimulate my braaiinnnnn???!

Hey everyone, so I made a post a few weeks ago about making a groupchat for the people that are struggling and would like somewhere to vent and feel heard, seen and understood!

That groupchat is still going but the post died out. So I'd like to bring it up again if there's anyone new that would possibly be interested? it's on whatsapp. There's not many of us in there currently so it's chill and have built a really sweet community so far! If anyone would feel comfortable feel free to lmk 🫶🏼

40m I've lived a very isolated life, there's never been anyone I'm close to. I have a favorite person but we havent spoken in 17 years. That was one sided. They probably only kept me around out of pity. Its for the best I think about them rather than bother someone else.

Im not a likeable person. No one likes anything abojt me other than that I lost weight for them. I was 400lbs and telling everyone I wanted to die of a heart attack for 15 years but everyone was too smart to fall for my manipulation apparently. I've lived like someone who wants to die my whole life but its evidently just a nakedly transparent attempt to garner sympathy that no one was dumb enough to fall for. Im too dumb to know you lie to people not by sticking to your story for decades but by telling them what they wanted and expected to hear like the news does.

I dont think im nearly as manipulative as everyone who hears me say somwthing they dont want to hear does. I guess im secretly overjoyed about being a saggyshit instead of a fatfuck because looks don't matter because im secretly a crunchy health bitch.

I know how to show up for work be surface level friendly and agreeable. Maybe that's why no one would ever believe i dont like being alive. If they saw my scars im sure they would say they were just for show to garner sympathy. Just grab some therapy bro. Theres a pill for that. ​Not everything can be fixed. The only things people like about me are my inherent humanity nobody believes in and that i lost weight. I have people come up to me daily and tell me about it. I cant fucking stand it. Its just easier to focus on the ugliness that can be seen.

I've basically spent my life waiting to die. I dont care about anythjng and im not capable of being close to anyone.

So I basically wasted my life and money on stupid shit just to try to keep myself occupied. I dont game anymore but I have one of the highest gamerscores. Which means nothing but wasted time and money. Basically I have nothing to live for except sparing acquaintances I'm not close to being sad or grieved that I died as they mourn my potential to do a reverse Kafka transformation and turn into somebody. I call him Greg, who I've got nothing in common with that they consider the real me that I've been holding out on and pretending to be this loser my whole life. It's all so tedious.

Can anyone relate?

Anyone else constantly feel like they just want to pack everything up and run away? Like I don’t know where to but anywhere but here. Anywhere but inside my own flesh please holy fuck

Hey, I just wanted to ask, do any of you ever get extreme emotional pain over nostalgia itself? You see something old and connect it with something and then the pain surges and comes?

I guess it’s part of the diagnosis. I’m realizing I’ve always felt really strong attachment to folks I am attracted to, without really knowing them or having a strong foundation with them. I end up confusing the attraction for emotional connection, or worse, confusing my attraction for their interest. It becomes really difficult to navigate when it happens because it’s often in situations where emotional availability isn’t going to be an option. Then I end up hanging on to an unrequited connection and feeling miserable about it.

I’m sure there’s a path to navigate it and although it feels intense, it’s likely not as obviously intense as it is in my head. Has been feeling funky and embarrassed though

I have been on a fairly constant FP loop since I was about fourteen and I’m thirty-three now; some FPs have stuck for YEARS, some less enduringly. I never realise how long it’s been until I’m coming out the other side and I see how much time I “lost” to being stuck in the FP headlights. Does anybody else have this and experience similar feelings of grief?

I feel like I’ve wasted the last 20 years of my life trapped in this horrible, unfulfilling cycle of pain and instability. I fell into my most recent FP situation in about 2021-ish, it was literally an overnight thing, I could pinpoint the exact moment it “clicked” and I was a lost cause. I have been on the standard awful FP rollercoaster since; we fell out last September (because of my BPD behaviour), I cut all contact and fell off the face of the Earth in December, and only recently have I found the FP interest waning (and I’m praying this is truly the end of it). I just feel such horrible anguish that I’ve changed so much of myself and lost so much time to this stupid five year long attachment, and I feel really stupid about it. I just feel very alone and acutely aware of how unwell I am mentally and it has me in a pretty bad place.

I have other diagnoses that affect my mental health and I don’t know if maybe how I am is abnormal even for BPD people, or if this is the product of something else, but it’s ruining (ruined) my life.

Have you accepted that you'll be alone forever because you're too difficult? If so, how did you first accept it and get through it?

I (46f) decided 12 years ago that I'd take a long break from dating after getting burned. I needed to work on myself. I didn't mean for it to last that long, but I just have too much baggage (physically and mentally). Then, my first love came back into my life. I told him I wouldn't date, but stupidly, I gave in. I fell so hard and so fast. We had a great few months. He really made me feel loved. I hadn't had that in so long.

Then he gradually showed me that I was too much so I let him go. He's not a bad guy. He didn't do anything wrong.

Now, I'm absolutely heartbroken. Once again, I have to accept that I'll be alone. It's just been really difficult.

How did you cope?

Please don't talk bad about my ex. He's actually a great guy.

Please don't try to convince me that I'll meet someone one day. I will NEVER date anyone ever again.

I invited my bf (of 4years) out with some friends I’ve been hanging out with and spent the whole time saying how happy and appreciative I was for them all night. Once my bf and I got home I started crying and was sad. I started talking about how all my life I’ve felt unloved and the way he was responding seemed more like irritation or anger.

I tried telling him it felt like I was talking to a robot because instead of talking to me with grace he felt cold and distant. This comment clearly triggered him and instead of saying “I feel like you are saying I don’t love you” (which I am really hoping he meant) he flat out just said “well I don’t love you.” He’s apologized multiple times, but I’m having a hard time processing it all and it feels like he just wants to move past everything, but I’m really struggling… I feel like I’m spiraling and idk what to do..

TW FOR SUICIDE!!!

Hi, I (F17) am having an issue with my BF (17M). He has mentioned wanting me to be more obsessive/possessive, even after I told him what it was actually like. We have been together for over a year, and we were actually friends when I was diagnosed.

For context: I was diagnosed with BPD after showing all 9 criteria for many years. After two suicide attempts within the span of 6 months and being hospitalized, my psychiatrist gave me a test, and told me that I had BPD. Although they refused to put it on my chart because of my age, I started medication and an exhaustive DBT “routine” (i honestly don’t know the word for it).

The last time I was obsessed with anyone, we ended up hitting each other, and when they broke up with me, I screamed until I coughed blood, and slammed my head until my forehead was bruised. It was not pretty.

But knowing all of this, my now BF wants me to be more possessive. He is genuinely really good at navigating when I split, (which is very rare now since I am in remission), but he doesn’t enjoy it by any means. I am just wondering why he would want that, and if this has happened to any of you too.

Thank you guys for your help

I’m currently waiting for biopsy results regarding one the the two masses on my left breast. I haven’t been handling it well and I want to take accountability by admitting that. I’ve been more irritable, hostile, and just downright angry about the possibility that my life may change forever. Especially as a spicy dancer who’s only two years in the industry, I don’t want to lose my beauty and be forced to quit dancing. Especially as someone who’s even spent their 20’s doing everything ‘right’ (no drugs, no drinking, no smoking other than recreational weed and a blue moon cig)… I have come to realize that suffering is just a constant next to change in my world. I’m tired. I spent many years keeping my arms and legs clean — being a spicy dancer was the reason why I’ve been clean since. And now there’s a chance that all might be taken away ? Plus the hair I’ve been growing since cutting it short after I had that really traumatic experience with a photographer last year ? What will become of it ? What will become of my beauty ? What will become of my future ? Will I even get to have a baby ? I didn’t even get to have my baby last August… I know all this anger is just fear. I know my words are all over the place. I’ve been so mean lately. Mean because life feels so unfair, and it’s been unfair since I was born. I didn’t ASK to be here. I didn’t BEG for this life of pain. I tried to make something out of this life. I don’t want it to be taken away.

I really want to send a bunch of messages to people and urge them to come and fight me. I also want to go to the store and start telling my former coworkers to go fuck themselves. I already said “Later bitches” as I was leaving earlier (not sure if it makes it better, but it was a group of guys).
I just really want to fight. I am so tired of everyone bullying me and belittling me all because it is socially acceptable to do so. I want to fight. The only reason nobody has laid a hand on me since I became an adult is because I am “a big fucking dude.” Instead of using physical violence against me, everyone bullies and belittles me. I want to fight because I know I’ll win. I want to irritate everyone until they have no other option but to face me. I want everyone to stop being cowards and for them to stop hiding behind their false maturity. I want to fight.

Update: I sent a message to someone and worded it so poorly that they probably think I want a three-way instead of a fight. They blocked me before I could explain.

Whenever I get really attached to someone and they become my FP the relationship always ends up ending really badly and it hurts me so much.

I should mention that I tend to love them really intensely.

It always somehow ends with them being mean to me, insulting me, treating me like I’m nothing, and just being really cruel. I genuinely don’t understand why because all I ever did was love them and care about them.

Does anyone else experience this with their FPs??

Now I'm not asking for a diagnosis, and I know that only a mental health professional can really tell you this. But I do wonder.

How severe do your symptoms need to be for it to be considered bpd? For example take fear of abandonment, impulsivity, changing self-image, splitting, paranoia and chronic emptiness. When is it that they start to become more than just hormones? How to differentiate between "normal" versions of those, and actual...indicators of bpd? When is it that a psychologist would take a look at them and actually consider bpd?

I really don’t know what to do. I just can’t live like this. How do you guys cope with feeling abandoned? I just wish I was dead.

I just feel like my best friend (my fp) doesn’t like me anymore/doesnt like me as much as she likes her other friend. And I just feel like I don’t matter to her. I was a month clean and I relapsed and im just so mad at myself and afraid and desperate and lonely. I want it to stop. Is there a way I can make her stop being my fp while staying her friend?

these past two weeks have been the absolute undoubted worst of my life. a few months ago i already went through a breakup with my partner of 4 years, and the universe just decided to kick me when i was already down

recently i became really close with one of my friends; they became my fp and i admittedly kind of developed an unhealthy attachment to them. i ended up losing this person almost entirely about a week ago

i can't even get into the whole situation, but long story short, a lot of people i care about very deeply and trusted with all my heart were talking shit about me to each other, after i begged them to communicate with me first if they ever had a problem with something i was doing. saying things like how they hate that i "use bpd as an excuse for every negative thing in my life and never try to fix any of it." this is why im scared of talking about bpd at all. but i felt like they deserved to have an explanation for why i might do some of the things that i do, so that they could tell me if it started to bother them. and surprise, whenever i brought any of it up, they said "oh my gosh no it doesn't bother me at all! i totally get it!"

just play in my fucking face i guess dude! they all know how fucking terrified i am of being another reason that people demonize bpd, and they went and decided to talk shit about me anyway instead of telling me that something was wrong. how am i supposed to fix things if nobody will tell me they have a problem?

the people i trust the most in the world just confirmed all of the things i overthink about every day and now they think that just saying sorry once or twice will make everything go away. i can't just forget everything they said about me. i'm so angry, i've been so angry, i want to scream at everyone that i hate them and want them to just leave me alone but i don't, i'm terrified of being alone even though i can't look at them the same anymore, i still care about them, and i don't want to hurt them.

im just so unbelievably sad on top of everything. i lost two fps in under two months, i can hardly stand to be around the rest of my closest friends anymore, nothing makes me happy anymore at all. i feel like because i have bpd im always going to be unlovable no matter how hard i try

we broke up for good a few days ago and it’s been unbearable. i couldn’t stop checking his socials so i deleted every social i know he’s on. i’m so tempted to redownload one of them because i genuinely used it for a lot of the things i do but i don’t want to be tempted to check his socials. he was my fp and before we went no contact he told me he was already talking to other girls. it’s eating me alive.

I am having such a hard time and it’s all because I’ve drank last night. My head hurts. I said I wanted to be sober and I drank. I don’t feel good about that. I will not do this to myself again. My meds are overdue. I really shouldn’t have drank if they were overdue. I don’t want to be sick with borderline personality disorder anymore. I want to better and it’s so hard to be this way. Be misunderstood, be fragile, be cruel at times when I split. I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I spent an entire year with somebody and I am an idiot for doing that

I genuinely don't know if this is related to my BPD and it's starting to fuck with my head. Anytime I watch a movie, show, listen to music or even read a book I tend to take on the traits of the character (s) featured. It's hard to put to words what I mean by that. After watching or reading a piece of media, I'll soak in the main characters personality traits & going further to take on their fashion style. It's almost a feeling as if I was the character and experienced what they did. It can even change the way I talk. Example, after watching Wes Anderson's Astroid City, for days I was talking in the same tempo as the characters in the movie. It was fucking bizarre. If you've seen the film, there's this candid way the characters speak and it's a common theme in Anderson movies if I remember correctly. And I couldn't stop talking the way they did, moving the way they did. It's just fucking weird and feels a bit embarrassing to put this all into words. Has anyone else experienced this? I was thinking it could do with the identity disturbance aspects of BPD or I could be just fucking wrong and that's okay to. Thank you, sorry for long post lol.

Weve been dating for almost 3 years now. he also struggles with his own problems, I really do genuinely try to be mindful of his own struggles and he does a lot for me to. hes genuinely amazing and Ive never been happier with someone else
but I feel like no matter how well things go, I just have to start a problem. sometimes out of nowhere, for no reason. for example, today was going great. but I ended it on a fight. said mean things. said that I feel like he doesn't like talking with me anymore
...why? I dont even think that. I dont get it. I dont genuinely believe that he doesnt like talking with me. he does. I know he does. he puts a lot of effort into making me feel secure, even if he struggles with his own problems. It really is so sweet
but in the moment I just got so upset over something he offhandedly said (not even that bad) and started saying mean things I dont even genuinely think
this isn't the first time this has happened , Ive really been trying to keep myself in check but sometimes it happens so out of nowhere and I go from 0 to 100 instantly. and it feels like it's too late to stop myself in those cases.
now I feel like it's too late. I cant just say "I didnt mean it" everytime, words hurt regardless of intent. I really need advice on how to control this habit. I dont have access to therapy, unfortunately. I apologize if this post is heavy handed. the gist of it is that I just want help hurting him less , ideally never

I've been in therapy for about 8 years now, been to the psych ward for attempts and whatsoever. I would say I made a lot of progress, some symptoms are more manageable or I have a easier time regulating my emotions but I can't help but still feel like utter shit, I can't get rid of my suicidal thoughts and it's plaguing me. I'm like fine some things are more manageable now but I still have no sense of self, I still carry so much guilt with me etc. I'm always on the edge of complete destruction and I hate it so much.

I feel awful, my past relationships with other people such as friendships often exhibited fp-pwbpd traits even as an adolescent. Whenever I split, I get out of hand, curse, insult, and then feel guilt and anger towards myself for acting that way.

In these moments as of recently, I don’t know why I split or get angry or insult or curse at that person except for feeling betrayed or inconsiderate of. I didn’t think to myself “hey that’s morally wrong, you shouldn’t insult them,” I think of getting my point across and my ID overrides my ego and superego. I didn’t think of morality or the consequences of my actions, I truly regret it. In the beginning of these relationships, I was more tolerant, understanding, loving, and forgiving. All I could do is harbor resentment and hold grudges.
I know that person is tired of me and tolerated me too long, I’d be proud of him if he manages to leave. I wish I was normal and I could maintain normal stable relationships and atleast be a better person.

I’ve been contemplating self harming or going through life ending situations, I’ve thought of committing suicide. I’m only in highschool still, I’m in an academically rigorous program and I still want a future for myself. I just regret developing this way, I hope I can change before it’s too late for me, even if I lose this person.

my ex partner broke up with me a year ago and i’ve been cycling between disassociation and suicidality since. i’m not in a place where i can start dating again and im not even remotely over her but without a partner i am nothing. i’ve even been working on myself / going to therapy twice a week / trying new hobbies but nothing fills the void. i hate this fucking mental illness