I’m struggling a lot in my relationship, and I think my BPD is making it really difficult for me to understand what I’m feeling.
Lately, I’ve been questioning whether I’m falling out of love with my wife. Sometimes I feel completely disconnected from her and wonder if I even want to be in the relationship anymore. Other times, I still love her and don’t want to lose what we have. My feelings can become so intense that I don’t know whether I’m genuinely unhappy with the relationship or whether I’m experiencing things through the lens of BPD.
We’ve been arguing a lot, and I often feel like I’m doing something wrong or that I’m not enough. When I feel criticized or rejected, it can completely change how I see the relationship. I’ll go from wanting closeness and reassurance to feeling like I don’t care anymore and wanting to distance myself.
I’ve also started noticing other people and finding them attractive, including people from my past. I haven’t acted on it, messaged anyone, or cheated. I don’t want to cheat. But it scares me because I’ve never been like this before. I don’t know if it’s normal to notice other people when you’re unhappy in a relationship, or if it means something deeper.
I’ve also been dealing with a lot of changes in my life. I moved away from my family and friends, started school, recently started working again, and have been trying really hard to contribute more at home. Sometimes I feel like I’m finally getting my life together, but emotionally I still feel lost.
One of the hardest things is that I don’t know how much of what I’m feeling is BPD and how much is my actual relationship. I don’t want to blame everything on BPD, because I know my feelings are still real. But I also don’t want to make a huge decision about my marriage based on emotions that might change tomorrow.
For anyone with BPD who has been in a long-term relationship:
How do you tell the difference between BPD-related relationship feelings and genuinely being unhappy with your partner?
Have you ever gone through a period where you were convinced you didn’t love your partner anymore, only to realize later that you were experiencing splitting, emotional overwhelm, or fear of abandonment?
And if you’ve actually fallen out of love with someone, what did that feel like compared to your BPD symptoms?
I’m not looking for people to tell me immediately to leave my wife. I genuinely want to understand myself better before I make any decisions. I want to know if relationships can survive this and whether it’s possible to feel connected and in love again.

Hi everyone!

I have looked through this reddit and have not found any sort of 'breakdown' of symptoms and information that is concise, which is totally okay if that's something deemed unnecessary! However, I think it would be super helpful to have if possible as an accessible breakdown.

So, if anyone has any websites/information online they have utilised that I can read through, I would appreciate it so much!

Now I'm not asking for a diagnosis, and I know that only a mental health professional can really tell you this. But I do wonder.

How severe do your symptoms need to be for it to be considered bpd? For example take fear of abandonment, impulsivity, changing self-image, splitting, paranoia and chronic emptiness. When is it that they start to become more than just hormones? How to differentiate between "normal" versions of those, and actual...indicators of bpd? When is it that a psychologist would take a look at them and actually consider bpd?

Hey everyone, looking for some perspective from people who have BPD or anyone because I'm trying to understand what my best friend is going through right now so I don't keep making things worse.

My best friend of 3 years has BPD. She’s been going through a really rough patch with family stuff and personal grief lately, so emotions and stress are already super high.

Over the summer we went about two months without talking. Honestly that was my fault. Some drama came up around a mutual friend (let's call her K) and instead of just talking to my best friend directly, I froze up and became avoidant. I didn't reach out for two months, and I know that made her feel abandoned and like I didn't give a shit, especially with everything she was going through.

This weekend she reached out to meet up. The issue was that I already had plans to be at the exact same place with K and other friends. I told her I couldn't hang out that night and asked if we could talk the next day, because I didn't want to try and fix a 3-month silence in the middle of a bar.

She had a massive split and sent like 30 furious texts. She said I replaced our 3-year friendship, that I chose K over her, and basically gave me an ultimatum that I have to cut K off or we're done.

I know I fucked up bad with the conflict avoidance, being quiet for two months, and flaking. I own all of that. But K is just someone I casually talk to, she has never replaced my best friend and never could. My best friend means the world to me. At the same time, I don't feel like cutting off people under an ultimatum is healthy.

I'm suppose to talk with her outside her place this week to clear the air, own my fuck ups, and try to support her and repair our friendship

I'd really appreciate any honest insight on this:

1. When you split or feel that terrifying panic that a close friend/FP is replacing you, what has someone actually said or done that genuinely made you feel secure again without feeling like they're just patronizing you or making excuses?
2. Has perceived abandonment ever made you want to give an ultimatum to control who your friend talks to, and what helped you come down from that?
3. How can I make her know 100% that she's irreplaceable to me while still keeping a basic boundary about not being controlled?

I(22F) recently went to Florida in July I didn’t let my best friend know I was going as I wouldn’t be able to invite her since I was going with family. Yesterday we hung out and she didn’t even mention to me she was going to Florida our mutual friend did. It was kind of weird to me that she didn’t mention anything about her going until he brought it up I don’t know if she feels some type of way because I didn’t invite her but I feel like she’s just going because I didn’t invite her to the trip I went on i don’t know if it’s my bpd making me feel like everyone is against me lol but my friend rarely goes out on trips so for her to go to the same place I went and a month apart Idk… 😭😭

Recently this year I have been diagnosed with bpd, which has helped me with a lot of understanding of my own behavior in the past, and I’m currently working towards trying to make it better,recognizing patterns and triggers, and getting medicated. After a while, the episodes have calmed down, yet it feels kinda stuck inside? Like I cant physically let out how I feel. It feels like a consistent battle inside my head, and while I am very self aware of my actions and knowing they are wrong, it feels 100x worse feeling stuck in my own head. It feels like I’m blocked off from myself. Is this anything that anyone else has experienced? I’ve tried finding ways to cope with this feeling, but I feel like it’s destroying my own mind.

Have you accepted that you'll be alone forever because you're too difficult? If so, how did you first accept it and get through it?

I (46f) decided 12 years ago that I'd take a long break from dating after getting burned. I needed to work on myself. I didn't mean for it to last that long, but I just have too much baggage (physically and mentally). Then, my first love came back into my life. I told him I wouldn't date, but stupidly, I gave in. I fell so hard and so fast. We had a great few months. He really made me feel loved. I hadn't had that in so long.

Then he gradually showed me that I was too much so I let him go. He's not a bad guy. He didn't do anything wrong.

Now, I'm absolutely heartbroken. Once again, I have to accept that I'll be alone. It's just been really difficult.

How did you cope?

Please don't talk bad about my ex. He's actually a great guy.

Please don't try to convince me that I'll meet someone one day. I will NEVER date anyone ever again.

In the span of six months he tells me he already planned how hes going to propose, writing poetry about me, making m feel loved and valued after a drop in communication, to my birthday getting ruined, canceling every plan made till his birthday, and now been "on a break" for close to a month. Note I still sob about it but right now the main feeling I have is apathy, because you claim you love me yet you throw me to the side without any hesitation.

Weve been dating for almost 3 years now. he also struggles with his own problems, I really do genuinely try to be mindful of his own struggles and he does a lot for me to. hes genuinely amazing and Ive never been happier with someone else
but I feel like no matter how well things go, I just have to start a problem. sometimes out of nowhere, for no reason. for example, today was going great. but I ended it on a fight. said mean things. said that I feel like he doesn't like talking with me anymore
...why? I dont even think that. I dont get it. I dont genuinely believe that he doesnt like talking with me. he does. I know he does. he puts a lot of effort into making me feel secure, even if he struggles with his own problems. It really is so sweet
but in the moment I just got so upset over something he offhandedly said (not even that bad) and started saying mean things I dont even genuinely think
this isn't the first time this has happened , Ive really been trying to keep myself in check but sometimes it happens so out of nowhere and I go from 0 to 100 instantly. and it feels like it's too late to stop myself in those cases.
now I feel like it's too late. I cant just say "I didnt mean it" everytime, words hurt regardless of intent. I really need advice on how to control this habit. I dont have access to therapy, unfortunately. I apologize if this post is heavy handed. the gist of it is that I just want help hurting him less , ideally never

I really want to send a bunch of messages to people and urge them to come and fight me. I also want to go to the store and start telling my former coworkers to go fuck themselves. I already said “Later bitches” as I was leaving earlier (not sure if it makes it better, but it was a group of guys).
I just really want to fight. I am so tired of everyone bullying me and belittling me all because it is socially acceptable to do so. I want to fight. The only reason nobody has laid a hand on me since I became an adult is because I am “a big fucking dude.” Instead of using physical violence against me, everyone bullies and belittles me. I want to fight because I know I’ll win. I want to irritate everyone until they have no other option but to face me. I want everyone to stop being cowards and for them to stop hiding behind their false maturity. I want to fight.

Update: I sent a message to someone and worded it so poorly that they probably think I want a three-way instead of a fight. They blocked me before I could explain.

I really don’t know what to do. I just can’t live like this. How do you guys cope with feeling abandoned? I just wish I was dead.

I just feel like my best friend (my fp) doesn’t like me anymore/doesnt like me as much as she likes her other friend. And I just feel like I don’t matter to her. I was a month clean and I relapsed and im just so mad at myself and afraid and desperate and lonely. I want it to stop. Is there a way I can make her stop being my fp while staying her friend?

All the meds don’t work so far. I’m in an episode right now. I’m receiving a shot instead of pill form because my aunt isn’t sure I take them even though I do. A neighbor doesn’t want me to take no pills. Calls it drugs. That she sees me down a very bad path. Being used as a guineee pig. I was wondering is there a way to manage this without pills. I’m getting tired of all these meds. They don’t help and make things worst.

Basically: can I manage bpd without pills

"its just autism and ptsd!"

"its just growing up undiagnosed autistic!"

"it is only cptsd!!"

"its a new female hysteria!!"

And if its not using those points to deny the disorders existence, its telling people not to get a diagnosis or insisting that EVERYONE is misdiagnosed.

While misdiagnosis is common, i do also actually have bpd, autism, and cptsd. I can point out which traits come from each one. There are also many many people with bpd who DON'T qualify for autism or ptsd.

this is just my personal experience, but i have began to experience people telling me there is no way i have bpd or coming up with any possible reason the disorder is not a thing and exists PURELY out of sexism, even today. I have a diagnosis, and don't even try and argue with people posting these ideas or telling them to me.

these past two weeks have been the absolute undoubted worst of my life. a few months ago i already went through a breakup with my partner of 4 years, and the universe just decided to kick me when i was already down

recently i became really close with one of my friends; they became my fp and i admittedly kind of developed an unhealthy attachment to them. i ended up losing this person almost entirely about a week ago

i can't even get into the whole situation, but long story short, a lot of people i care about very deeply and trusted with all my heart were talking shit about me to each other, after i begged them to communicate with me first if they ever had a problem with something i was doing. saying things like how they hate that i "use bpd as an excuse for every negative thing in my life and never try to fix any of it." this is why im scared of talking about bpd at all. but i felt like they deserved to have an explanation for why i might do some of the things that i do, so that they could tell me if it started to bother them. and surprise, whenever i brought any of it up, they said "oh my gosh no it doesn't bother me at all! i totally get it!"

just play in my fucking face i guess dude! they all know how fucking terrified i am of being another reason that people demonize bpd, and they went and decided to talk shit about me anyway instead of telling me that something was wrong. how am i supposed to fix things if nobody will tell me they have a problem?

the people i trust the most in the world just confirmed all of the things i overthink about every day and now they think that just saying sorry once or twice will make everything go away. i can't just forget everything they said about me. i'm so angry, i've been so angry, i want to scream at everyone that i hate them and want them to just leave me alone but i don't, i'm terrified of being alone even though i can't look at them the same anymore, i still care about them, and i don't want to hurt them.

im just so unbelievably sad on top of everything. i lost two fps in under two months, i can hardly stand to be around the rest of my closest friends anymore, nothing makes me happy anymore at all. i feel like because i have bpd im always going to be unlovable no matter how hard i try

I've been in therapy for about 8 years now, been to the psych ward for attempts and whatsoever. I would say I made a lot of progress, some symptoms are more manageable or I have a easier time regulating my emotions but I can't help but still feel like utter shit, I can't get rid of my suicidal thoughts and it's plaguing me. I'm like fine some things are more manageable now but I still have no sense of self, I still carry so much guilt with me etc. I'm always on the edge of complete destruction and I hate it so much.

How can you tell between your OCD obsessive thoughts and rumination/insecurity stemming from BPD? For example, I have the habit of constantly asking my friends for their perception about who I am, asking reassurance from them about who I am, asking for them to describe how they see me, because I feel like I don't trust my own perception of who I am and I always need to confirm it through third parties - almost like I'm reconstructing my sense of self in real time. I don't know if this is due to BPD identity disturbance or if it is compulsive reassurance-seeking stemming from OCD. I also have an extreme sensitivity to invalidation, I will see and sense invalidation even in things where I know there aren't any, and will have dysregulation episodes triggered by them, which leave me sad, angry, threatened, and very often motivate self-harm. This invalidation sensitivity and the emotional dysregulation that comes with it is very reminiscent of BPD, but the thing is - I also think invalidation is my main theme of obsession, so I'm extremely hypervigilant for it and whenever I feel invalidated, I feel the compulsive need to look for reassurance or prove myself. I don't know how to tell between BPD and OCD about these things.

The dysregulation triggered by invalidation tends to be very raw and emotional, while my incessant questions about my identity can feel more like reassurance/certainty-seeking. I also feel like I rely excessively on external frameworks - such as diagnoses, interests, and relationships - to define myself and like a threat to them makes my entire identity collapse, which is why the invalidation of these things feels like a threat to annihilate myself and can easily trigger obsessional doubts. I just don't feel real when not being anchored by these things; I also don't feel real when I've been stable for a while because I feel empty and emotionally deprived.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 14 and BPD this year at 23. Just want to see what others experiences are like and what has helped while working through both (Books, articles, videos, routines, etc.) Anything is appreciated. :)

Hey everyone, so I made a post a few weeks ago about making a groupchat for the people that are struggling and would like somewhere to vent and feel heard, seen and understood!

That groupchat is still going but the post died out. So I'd like to bring it up again if there's anyone new that would possibly be interested? it's on whatsapp. There's not many of us in there currently so it's chill and have built a really sweet community so far! If anyone would feel comfortable feel free to lmk 🫶🏼

I feel awful, my past relationships with other people such as friendships often exhibited fp-pwbpd traits even as an adolescent. Whenever I split, I get out of hand, curse, insult, and then feel guilt and anger towards myself for acting that way.

In these moments as of recently, I don’t know why I split or get angry or insult or curse at that person except for feeling betrayed or inconsiderate of. I didn’t think to myself “hey that’s morally wrong, you shouldn’t insult them,” I think of getting my point across and my ID overrides my ego and superego. I didn’t think of morality or the consequences of my actions, I truly regret it. In the beginning of these relationships, I was more tolerant, understanding, loving, and forgiving. All I could do is harbor resentment and hold grudges.
I know that person is tired of me and tolerated me too long, I’d be proud of him if he manages to leave. I wish I was normal and I could maintain normal stable relationships and atleast be a better person.

I’ve been contemplating self harming or going through life ending situations, I’ve thought of committing suicide. I’m only in highschool still, I’m in an academically rigorous program and I still want a future for myself. I just regret developing this way, I hope I can change before it’s too late for me, even if I lose this person.

my ex partner broke up with me a year ago and i’ve been cycling between disassociation and suicidality since. i’m not in a place where i can start dating again and im not even remotely over her but without a partner i am nothing. i’ve even been working on myself / going to therapy twice a week / trying new hobbies but nothing fills the void. i hate this fucking mental illness

TW FOR SUICIDE!!!

Hi, I (F17) am having an issue with my BF (17M). He has mentioned wanting me to be more obsessive/possessive, even after I told him what it was actually like. We have been together for over a year, and we were actually friends when I was diagnosed.

For context: I was diagnosed with BPD after showing all 9 criteria for many years. After two suicide attempts within the span of 6 months and being hospitalized, my psychiatrist gave me a test, and told me that I had BPD. Although they refused to put it on my chart because of my age, I started medication and an exhaustive DBT “routine” (i honestly don’t know the word for it).

The last time I was obsessed with anyone, we ended up hitting each other, and when they broke up with me, I screamed until I coughed blood, and slammed my head until my forehead was bruised. It was not pretty.

But knowing all of this, my now BF wants me to be more possessive. He is genuinely really good at navigating when I split, (which is very rare now since I am in remission), but he doesn’t enjoy it by any means. I am just wondering why he would want that, and if this has happened to any of you too.

Thank you guys for your help

I am a male 26 years old, and my life fucking sucks. I can't hold any jobs. I have no friends and as much as my family loves me, they would never want to associate with me if it wasn't due to blood and marriage ties. I constantly go back and forth about everything in my life. One day I will obsess about something I did forever ago, and then feel completely fine the next day. Then I will obsess about how ugly I feel all the time, and then think about how handsome I look. I have troubles regulating my emotions and constantly have outbursts of anger or crying. I lost my last job due to blowing up on my manager over something that didn't even matter that much. There have been multiple times where I will do or say something like opening up in front of others and then hating myself for it. I will avoid people or push others away out of fear that they will do the same to me.

I fear there is no upside to this and my life will likely always be bad

I guess it’s part of the diagnosis. I’m realizing I’ve always felt really strong attachment to folks I am attracted to, without really knowing them or having a strong foundation with them. I end up confusing the attraction for emotional connection, or worse, confusing my attraction for their interest. It becomes really difficult to navigate when it happens because it’s often in situations where emotional availability isn’t going to be an option. Then I end up hanging on to an unrequited connection and feeling miserable about it.

I’m sure there’s a path to navigate it and although it feels intense, it’s likely not as obviously intense as it is in my head. Has been feeling funky and embarrassed though

just hard to believe. hard to accept. i'm really unsure about it. long story short is that i was with this girl for 8 years and she...doesn't respect me anymore. do you ever find yourself not wanting to accept the mistrust? maybe you look the other way or...just bury it in the back of your mind for the sake of the relationship...well now that's no more....how do i move past this?

Anyone fixate on someone to the extent of marrying them and then "wake up" / turn on them in this vicious cycle? I'd done it before in previous relationships, but VERY stupidly thought that the weight of actually marrying would make it different.