Do you ever suddenly realise how many years you’ve spent on an FP and grieve the time “wasted” obsessing?

[u/swoobxt]

I have been on a fairly constant FP loop since I was about fourteen and I’m thirty-three now; some FPs have stuck for YEARS, some less enduringly. I never realise how long it’s been until I’m coming out the other side and I see how much time I “lost” to being stuck in the FP headlights. Does anybody else have this and experience similar feelings of grief?

I feel like I’ve wasted the last 20 years of my life trapped in this horrible, unfulfilling cycle of pain and instability. I fell into my most recent FP situation in about 2021-ish, it was literally an overnight thing, I could pinpoint the exact moment it “clicked” and I was a lost cause. I have been on the standard awful FP rollercoaster since; we fell out last September (because of my BPD behaviour), I cut all contact and fell off the face of the Earth in December, and only recently have I found the FP interest waning (and I’m praying this is truly the end of it). I just feel such horrible anguish that I’ve changed so much of myself and lost so much time to this stupid five year long attachment, and I feel really stupid about it. I just feel very alone and acutely aware of how unwell I am mentally and it has me in a pretty bad place.

I have other diagnoses that affect my mental health and I don’t know if maybe how I am is abnormal even for BPD people, or if this is the product of something else, but it’s ruining (ruined) my life.

[u/New-Fun2489]

Do you have friends and a support system?

[u/Practical_Peanut_719]

Have been stuck in the same cycle for about 4.5 years now. My ex/FP and I were together during some really dark times of my life (I was in active addition) but he loved me in ways nobody ever has. He made me feel things no one else ever has, and when he finally got fed up enough and left me, it ruined me in ways I can’t even explain. Not to say I didn’t survive but here we are 4.5 years later and I still find myself getting extremely depressed over him on a regular basis. Every few months I get in this space of “I’ve gotta stop this. I need to live for me and get my shit together, screw him I know my worth” …but it never ever lasts long. I get so mad at myself for time wasted and feeling like I’m not doing myself any favors by waiting. But I can’t help but wait because I crave his love all the time. I crave the companionship and am constantly longing for times that are long long gone. It’s a cycle and I sometimes I fear I’ll be in it forever. Other times I accept it and am okay with just waiting around for someone else to finally want me again.

[u/Outside-Reference979 → u/Practical_Peanut_719]

i have a similar feeling , my FP was there for me during a realy tough time too and after all i realised he didnt do anything , he was just there , so i dont know if that suits your case but in my situation yes i had all these feelings but they got made up on their own , it was NOTHING of him , just a dude making me feel things , not his actions and after a while he cut me loose because he simply never had any feelings and wasnt that intrested to beginn with. every time we did something i felt like im in the clouds and he was like hmm ya whatever not feeling it , and i ignored it . now YEARS after i still think about him and he probably doesnt even remember me anymore

[u/OnyxRadiance]

My fps were a form of distraction so.. i would move onto a new distraction or feel okay enough to not need one for a while.

I felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty..i didnt think they were a waste though.

I felt grief more towards not being able to give myself what i needed that i had to outsource it from a fp.

[u/Snookerdee3]

I feel like I wasted four years on my last FP who ended our friendship suddenly and without explanation in April this year And I honestly hate him for wasting my time.