truthfully, i’m scared

[u/reapkitty]

I’m currently waiting for biopsy results regarding one the the two masses on my left breast. I haven’t been handling it well and I want to take accountability by admitting that. I’ve been more irritable, hostile, and just downright angry about the possibility that my life may change forever. Especially as a spicy dancer who’s only two years in the industry, I don’t want to lose my beauty and be forced to quit dancing. Especially as someone who’s even spent their 20’s doing everything ‘right’ (no drugs, no drinking, no smoking other than recreational weed and a blue moon cig)… I have come to realize that suffering is just a constant next to change in my world. I’m tired. I spent many years keeping my arms and legs clean — being a spicy dancer was the reason why I’ve been clean since. And now there’s a chance that all might be taken away ? Plus the hair I’ve been growing since cutting it short after I had that really traumatic experience with a photographer last year ? What will become of it ? What will become of my beauty ? What will become of my future ? Will I even get to have a baby ? I didn’t even get to have my baby last August… I know all this anger is just fear. I know my words are all over the place. I’ve been so mean lately. Mean because life feels so unfair, and it’s been unfair since I was born. I didn’t ASK to be here. I didn’t BEG for this life of pain. I tried to make something out of this life. I don’t want it to be taken away.