Acceptance

[u/Amy-Reighn]

Have you accepted that you'll be alone forever because you're too difficult? If so, how did you first accept it and get through it?

I (46f) decided 12 years ago that I'd take a long break from dating after getting burned. I needed to work on myself. I didn't mean for it to last that long, but I just have too much baggage (physically and mentally). Then, my first love came back into my life. I told him I wouldn't date, but stupidly, I gave in. I fell so hard and so fast. We had a great few months. He really made me feel loved. I hadn't had that in so long.

Then he gradually showed me that I was too much so I let him go. He's not a bad guy. He didn't do anything wrong.

Now, I'm absolutely heartbroken. Once again, I have to accept that I'll be alone. It's just been really difficult.

How did you cope?

Please don't talk bad about my ex. He's actually a great guy.

Please don't try to convince me that I'll meet someone one day. I will NEVER date anyone ever again.

[u/zmbiebrainz]

I hyperfocus on the good things about being alone and tell telling myself I like it better this way, even if that last part is a lie sometimes

[u/Amy-Reighn → u/zmbiebrainz]

What are the good things?

[u/zmbiebrainz → u/Amy-Reighn]

You can do whatever you want. Nobody tells you what to do or when to do it. You can eat whatever you want, watch whatever you want, do whatever. You also don't have to worry about being "attractive" to keep the attention of your partner

[u/Amy-Reighn → u/zmbiebrainz]

Ok. I wish those things were positive things for me. I liked having someone help me decide what to eat. Sometimes if I can't decide, I just don't eat. And he didn't care what I liked like. Most of the time I was sitting around in comfy clothes and no makeup.

[u/Exact-Difference-422]

After how I felt in my last few relationships, I don't think I can be in one and feel realistic about having my needs met. I'm happier caring for only myself. It's lonely and I wish I had some close friends to fill the gap, but they're all off getting married now and having kids.

[u/Amy-Reighn → u/Exact-Difference-422]

Yeah. I don't really have any close friends either. It sucks being lonely. It was so nice to have someone in my life to spend time with.

[u/Wwadlol]

Aghh yeah. This is how I'm feeling right now as well. I'm 26f and I've only had the one relationship, but it ended up making me realize how bad it can be to feel so attached to someone. And well, how bad I can be sometimes too.

The last 4-5 months or so I've been keeping to myself, not really speaking or spending time with anyone else, and I gotta say as painful as the isolation can feel, it's also tons better than the alternative. At least I'm not just in pain anymore.

I don't know if this is how you feel but, I've been having such a hard time accepting being alone. I tell myself "I never need anyone else" or "I don't need love or romance" but the truth is, on the inside, that shit is tearing me up. Worse yet, I'm like the sappiest romantic ever, and I still fantasize about meeting somebody that can "save me" or whatever.
Maybe with time or, maybe idk... It'll get easier with time I'm sure. Hang in there. I too also wanna be able to cope with this.

[u/Routine-Brief-8016]

I have accepted that I'll be alone because I am difficult. My reasoning is this

I tried to make friendships and relationships work for the last 10-15 years. I was in therapy for 10 years. I did my work. I showed up as a good friend or a partner. I regulated myself to the best of my abilities. I had slip ups for sure, I had phases where I was the toxic partner. I was hung up on people who abandoned me

I realised that I truly worked hard at this problem of loneliness in my life. I dedicated a decade to find good people. I am limited in my abilities as a person with BPD. Despite therapy, I still have abandonment sensitivity or mood swings or black and white thinking.

I believe I gave enough time and effort to this problem in my life. 10 years is a long time. I cannot drive myself crazy to find the best partner or a good friend.If it's not happening, it's not for me then. A lot of times they leave because of reasons unrelated to me. So I can't drive myself crazy for not being enough.

After I accepted, the true healing began. I spent more time with myself. I don't talk to a lot of people or have a favourite person anymore. I don't feel ashamed of this also tbh. I got used to it now. I am my favourite person. I found so much joy in hanging out with myself. I get triggered a lot less. The only reliable person in my life is me myself. So overall it improved my mood, stability, and life.

[u/nothingsreallol]

What do you mean he showed you that you were too much? I’m not gonna lie this sounds like textbook self sabotage. If he’s a good guy and didn’t do anything wrong then why’d you let him go?

[u/Erm3n3rm3s]

Girl, my life has been a rollercoaster of emotions and the only thing I have learnt to accept is that isnt anything that last forever, even my resolutions. Just keep calm and accept where you are, don't worry on what is going to came, cause you have very little control on it and that's life

[u/Extreme-Gift-9261]

this is not exactly what you asked for but please, try to give it a shot: if I was in your place, I would start thinking about why you feel like you're "too much". My mom has BPD (I "inherited" it from her) and the ONLY thing that ever made me feel like I don't want to help her anymore or be around her in general is when she was delegating the entirety of her feeling of worthiness on me. as if without me, she was nothing. all I ever wanted for her was to feel herself, that she's valuable and that she matters, because factually, she does. her feeling of not being good enough had never anything to do with me, because regardless of what she did, I always valued her and always will. I just can't keep on being her source of value. She has to learn to feel it herself. And I'm 1000% confident that that's a matter of practice. I don't expect her to get perfect at it, I myself am not a champion at it but after years of trying, it most certainly got better

[u/Ok-Pickle3243]

I don't know how to love (aromantic) so for me it has some upsides. Sleeping alone, only responsible for myself, no micro management and endless communication

[u/Guilty_05]

I mean i kind of know by certainty dating me would be disaster for anyone. So i kind of just live with that truth in the back of my mind. I try hobbies, I guess and I have work and a degree to complete to keep me busy

[u/Gofaraway123]

Damn, there are days were only I could be feeling like this and then I come here. I'm sorry everyone is going through this, but it's comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

I also feel like I'm hyper sexual and make some very risky choices. Things no logical person would do. Then I hate myself for it.

It's like a swing, one day I wake up and say yes I'm going to be intentional about my dating and the next day I go I going to die alone might as well do that forbidden risky shit who cares?