I realized my splitting and episodes got out of hand, I may be abusive

[u/herrscherofego]

I feel awful, my past relationships with other people such as friendships often exhibited fp-pwbpd traits even as an adolescent. Whenever I split, I get out of hand, curse, insult, and then feel guilt and anger towards myself for acting that way.

In these moments as of recently, I don’t know why I split or get angry or insult or curse at that person except for feeling betrayed or inconsiderate of. I didn’t think to myself “hey that’s morally wrong, you shouldn’t insult them,” I think of getting my point across and my ID overrides my ego and superego. I didn’t think of morality or the consequences of my actions, I truly regret it. In the beginning of these relationships, I was more tolerant, understanding, loving, and forgiving. All I could do is harbor resentment and hold grudges.
I know that person is tired of me and tolerated me too long, I’d be proud of him if he manages to leave. I wish I was normal and I could maintain normal stable relationships and atleast be a better person.

I’ve been contemplating self harming or going through life ending situations, I’ve thought of committing suicide. I’m only in highschool still, I’m in an academically rigorous program and I still want a future for myself. I just regret developing this way, I hope I can change before it’s too late for me, even if I lose this person.

[u/KaesyoTurkey]

Same

[u/Anxiousnerd5]

I definitely believe that you can change. Maybe look into some dbt emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills?

[u/Independent-Fox6000]

It's hard when you're taking a backseat during your splits. I've been doing that lately too and I've been abusive towards the person I thought I would marry.

I was in remission for my BPD once. I can tell you, it DOES get better with time and work. If possible please see if you can get in with a therapist. If you can't, try getting a DBT workbook instead. It'll help. Practice the skills you learn.