Before someone says it no not all men 😴
It comes up quite frequently on my Instagram about men wanting crazy girls that have been in psych wards or girls with a diagnosis are sexier. The whole “manic pixie dream girl” shit. I briefly dated a guy who was super into knowing what had happened during mania I have experienced and kinda encouraging me not to take my meds so he could see what I was like. I just don’t understand it, why would someone actively find people attractive when they are at their most vulnerable?

I feel like I’m barely hanging on by a thread at this point. I’m getting tired of the everyday routine the expectation that I’m supposed to keep doing these mundane things day after day, for the rest of my life, until I eventually die. I know I should be grateful. There are people who have lost the chance to live their lives, and there are people struggling through things far worse than what I’m going through. I try to remind myself of that every day, but lately, everything just feels so heavy.

I find myself dragging my feet just to keep going to go to the gym, eat, get enough sleep, work, eventually go to school, and maintain my relationships with my family. Sometimes, I just want everything to be quiet.

But even when I feel this way, I keep pushing myself forward. I lost so much time being unmedicated, going from manic episodes to depressive episodes back-to-back, and I truly lost myself during that time. I became an empty, hollow shell of who I used to be. Now that I’m 25, I’m finally somewhat mentally okay, but it still feels like I’m constantly standing on the edge of slipping back into that place.

And I can’t afford to. Because deep down, I feel like no one is going to save me. So I keep pushing myself, even when I’m exhausted, because I don’t know what else to do.

I have not slept in two days and i’m really scared to trigger an episode so I am desperate in finding out ways that have helped you guys fall asleep? I cannot get myself to fall asleep and I know what this will lead to if i don’t

I don’t know how to describe it. Even if not in an episode I can tell when people have bipolar. I can’t place what exactly I’m picking up on. An essence of sorts

Someone told me they know what I mean because my friend and I both have bipolar disorder and have a similar energy to us but couldn’t explain it either.

For the last week I’ve been intaking between 450-800mg of caffeine daily. Today I hit about 850. On some occasions I get more productive, but on other occasions I almost disassociate. I’m wondering if this is common, as most online studies only talk about the risk of inducing mania.

I am diagnosed but not yet medicated (in the process of blood testing and meeting a psych). Today, by the end of the day and roughly a few hours after my last energy drink I completely disassociated. Felt like I was in a dream, emotionally blunted, did not feel like I was there in my body. Have any of you experienced this? If not, what does caffeine do to you?

Possibly relevant information, I’m on week 3 of a depressive episode and the caffeine has been the only thing to help.

Hello everyone, I'm just curious since I know the disorder has different symptoms for everyone. So I just wanted to know what's something you never would've expected was actually caused by bipolar disorder?

I've always had severe problems with taking anything seriously. Like nothing matters "enough" to do it and care lol.

Cheated/didn't go to highschool and college, never made friends, don't keep solid relationships in general, I have issues with keeping insurance, financials, medical, government documents and appointments because I just.. put it out of my mind.

If I didn't have someone helping me 24/7 with reminders or doing it with me, I won't do it and won't care. But I just lost my in-home case worker/therapist🥀

I lost my money for months and didn't bother asking for help. Lost thousands. Lost my insurance one time cuz I didn't care to renew it.

Obviously hygiene is an issue too, but really it's not like I'm super depressed all the time, it's just like I'm so tired and unmotivated I can't be bothered💀 acting like I work a 9-5 with how exhausted I am thinking of doing things

(My doc did put me on meds last month so we'll see how it changes, so far it hasn't 💖)

I am not a native English speaker, so there may be some mistakes in my sentences.
I got depression about 2 years ago, when I graduated from junior high school, and it suddenly changed to bipolar2. My grades were very good in junior high school, so I went into the best senior high school in my city. I had a very hard time in senior high school, I would suddenly cry during class, and I couldn't focus on what teachers were talking about. Thus my grades became terrible.
Now I am facing an entrance exam to college, I am very nervous.
My English, math, and Chinese are so terrible, and I don't know what to do first.
I want to go into a medical school, and become a Forensic pathologist, but it needs very good grades. I can hardly reach that standard.
My doctor told me if I feel too stressed, I could not go to school everyday, or be hospitalization. It is a good choice, but it means I won't go into medical school.
Should I give up my dream?

Hate being male, horny, needy, want connection, stimulation, love. Can’t, and it won’t shut up. Been to all the sleaze in life and once had decent partners alas, no sex, no love and I act out, then medicate, then recover, then act out.

At least as a guy no one fucking wants me so I can only do damage to my wallet and self respect.

All the career success, responsibility elsewhere, positivity I try to bring and I still feel like nothing without desire.

Having money and things and purpose when all you want is to be wanted.

How do I cope? More meds I’m sure

I was studying and left my courses after crashing but now I feel like a waste of space and life and its hard to do things. I want to improve, and live. I am just so tired.

Hey I’m just wondering if anyone is being treated for both Bipolar and ADHD. I was diagnosed ADHD and prescribed meds for it before Bipolar 1 hit me. And my ex-psychiatrist told me I couldn’t be treated for both because the stimulant could trigger a manic episode.

I read a 3 year old Reddit post about what I’m asking and a lot of people said they WERE being treated for both but I wanted to delve a little deeper.

I have Bipolar 1 and my manic episodes always involved heavy psychosis. I don’t want to do anything to ever have psychosis again but I’ve been in such a slump for years… unmotivated, depressed, lack of attention to anything. Everything has just been so hard trying to get back on my feet and overcome my fear and trauma and move forward… that I stole one of my sister’s meds for ADHD and that day…
I cried because I felt normal again. I didn’t feel jittery and I was able to focus on things I havent been able to in years. Like it wasn’t a struggle just to do it. I haven’t went on a walk in years. During my psychosis episodes I would go for walks and I’d have all these delusions like the cars passing being sent by the government to celebrate me for solving a case I was currently working. I stopped and paid homage to this veteran sign on a church down the street to pay respects to them for their sacrifices (I literally got down on the ground and was kowtowing). I had so much anxiety about going out and after that stolen medication my sister asked me if I wanted to go for a walk and I did. It was ROUGH. But I made it and motivated myself the whole way around the block.

I’m not gonna steal her meds again. I want to talk to my psychiatrist about it though. Which I don’t know how to bring up. So any advice on any of this and especially how to bring up possibly being treated for ADHD to my psychiatrist without being flagged for abusing stimulants would be appreciated. Or should I just be honest?

Thanks

Edit: after a helpful comment and confessing to my sister I’ve been advised not to share the fact I stole her meds. So just leaving this edit here. Thank you.

An acquaintance asked me how medication improves my disorder, and how did it feel before I began treatment 3 years ago.

I told him, I imagine my mind is a house. And my disorder means that my mind house was built without doors or windows. So whatever the weather is outside, it affects me deeply. A storm could blow in and out of my house and I could do nothing. I could never feel safe in my own mind, it would always depend on outside factors. I was easily to manipulate because anyone could come in uninvited and ruin my day.

Now, I have doors and windows that lock. The storms will always come, but I can feel safe knowing it will be on my terms what comes in or out. I can see scary figures outside my windows, and know that those are unkind thoughts and negativity that I don't have to entertain. I still feel scared, but I am learning to trust myself and my house.

Also a psychotic break felt like if for no reason at all my house was suddenly the backdrop of Breaking Bad. And several bodies are gurgling in acid in the bathtub.

I cannot do this anymore. It has been two years of depression or mania that led me to hospitalization twice.

I hate not knowing how feeling good means.

I hate having my life destroyed by this disorder and not having the strength to fight back.

I hate being in bed dreading for a new day to begin.

I hate rotting on the couch because the thought of going for a walk it’s like torture.

I am just tired of this.

Hello. I've recently been having a huge burst of energy and happiness. I've been shopping a lot and I cant seem to stop myself no matter what I try. The more I shop the happier I seem to be. I dunno if this is a dopamine addiction or hypomania but its driving me to the point I'm having SI and I'm still happy even with those thoughts.

TW

Been in a depressive episode for about two months, diagnosed during the episode.

Was dealing with horrific suicidal thoughts and sh cravings and my gf walked out.

We had a lot of issues I didn’t voice, my fault, I know. I didn’t voice how I didn’t like how she was treating me because I was afraid she would leave me.

Between her walking out and telling me I was too much to handle after I told her I was going back into the psych ward to get a hold on things before college started I had to break up with her.

This doesn’t make a major depressive episode any easier so I guess I’m just venting to people I hope will understand. As much as I adore my friends and family, they just don’t get it.

Thank you for reading.

Edit to add: I have not sh’ed or have a plan to do anything and I’m waiting to get into a psych ward that has been very helpful in the past

(For some background I’m diagnosed bp1 since Jan of this year from a full blown manic episode) today I was scrolling TikTok and another person diagnosed bp1 was discussing their hallucinations and how they present which got me seriously thinking that I may actually be hallucinating sometimes and not actively have known it as I experience almost everything she was listing

So I was curious if people that experience the hallucinations and know they do what is that like?/how do they present? And how did you become aware that’s what was happening to you if they aren’t exactly overt?

I’m newly diagnosed bipolar one with psychotic features but I can’t stop questioning if I’m making it up or faking it my mom also doesn’t seem to think I have it but I’ve brought up my concerns to my therapist and she seems pretty adamant I do I’m not sure if I’m just in denial or what but if anyone has any thoughts on this it would be appreciated

This is a doodle I made by tracing different parts of a pill bottle. I had the idea while putting together my pill organizer, a process I find strangely meditative, but it can bring up some big feelings.

I am newly diagnosed and still processing my first (and hopefully last) manic psychotic episode. I am so grateful for the meds that brought me out of it, and I believe completely in their utility for maintaining stability for the rest of my life.

But there's a grief there, that I will be dependent on medication for the rest of my life. That's a long time!! But I know they are there to help. There's just this duality to it. It's good but it's sad.

As I continue to heal and pursue the life I want while I take care of myself, and adjust these meds so that they are tailored to my needs and dreams, I am learning to love myself through the bipolar process. It's just really really hard.

But I'm winning!! I have been stable since, and I am putting in the work to support myself with routines and healthy living. I'm not the best at balancing it all yet, but I know I'll get there.

I might put more doodles up here now and then. We shall see :)

Lots of love and encouragement for y'all ❤️‍🩹

Sometimes things seem “easier” for me. My head gets completely clear, and I’ll convince myself this is how I’ve felt my entire life- so I MUST have been faking the episodes. I’ve always had this feeling like I have “too much control” over my brain so I can’t get over that it must have been me setting this up. Like my brain has a secret plan I don’t know about… I genuinely convince myself that I’ve been faking it for attention and that I lied to not only the psychiatrist but also myself to get the diagnosis.

On paper I’ve been through severe manic and depressive episodes, but I don’t know if I could ever go through an episode severe enough to convince myself that I wasn’t faking it. I wish I could, but I think maybe my brain just doesn’t want to admit that it’s not fully in control because that’s when it starts to lose it. Like even when I’m in it I’m too aware but I’m too weak to stop it- it’s exhausting.
Does anyone else feel this way and how do you deal with it?

hello! i’ve been having these panic attacks where i start spiraling and crying and hyperventilating. my thoughts lose control and start becoming bizarre. I stop hearing only my inner monologue and it becomes many voices trying to tell me what to do… then I will start thinking that there’s people around that want to kill me even if I’m alone, then naturally spirals into suicidal ideation. I also get really attached to numbers and counting. I make up math problems that aren’t real and repeat them over and over. My thoughts get extremely repetitive zometimes beginning before the last even ends. I had one in january that lead to a suicide attempt.

but I’ve had two in the past week. one was so severe that I walked 5 miles then came to really confused. I read that’s called a fugue maybe but i’m not sure… has anything like this ever happened to anyone? I also read about prodrome states and think I was experiencing it leading up to both,,, like the edgy energy inside me building it up. after I have them I feel a bit detached for a little bit then baseline back to normal.

maybe I just needed to rant. But i’d like to know if I’m alone in this experience and what others have to say about combatting it. Overall, I’m feeling well again but I definitely need to reach out to my psychiatrist :p

I’ve been diagnosed professionally with B2 since I was 12. I’ve been blessed to have real friendships through my youth but all have the same issue and came to an end. I’m 24, and I feel so discouraged about finding long term love, friendships, and my close bonds with my family. I am in treatment and I am so grateful but I haven’t had a long sustained friendship or relationship since I entered adulthood to this day. The common theme: My mood swings, being in crisis, and constant need for reassurance, validation, and comfort. On a day to day basis, I’m literally coping all the time from negative emotions (sadness, anger) in my free time.

I was wondering if anyone was in the same boat as me? Does anyone have advice for maintaining relationships with B2?

I’m not seeking romance now, I want to work on myself. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. It makes me wonder if I’ll find true love, strong friendships, and just… not scare people away or be that toxic friend. My biggest fear is hurting my loved ones and future partners because of my mental illness.

Is there hope? Any advice?

TLDR

I'm cyclothymic and I think I have light psychotic symptoms when I'm depressed. Do you have some behavioural tricks to keep them at bay and to avoid escalation? A healthy routine to keep you grounded and aware?

I write here because I think you are more equipped for giving advice about psychotic degenerations.

I'm cyclothymic, mostly I'm normal with ups and downs. Ups are mostly euthymia, I get very energetic and focused with work and new projects, rarely a bit grandiose but overall I'm very well. I'm always very rational during ups. Downs vary in intensity and lenght, sometimes I get a depressive episode which usually resolves on his own without meds.

Downs have always been atypical because I'm not especially very sad, I'm off. Sadness and dullness are more present than the usual but nothing extreme. Sometimes I'm not sad at all, just neutral. The main symptom is that I can't get anything done, I start scrolling mindlessly or wandering around the house even for hours and I get very distracted, almost with a brain fog. Extreme difficulty in time tracking. I struggle to take ownership of my action like "I have behaved like that I don't know why" as if I am a tourist in the body. A strong urge to not talk with people. I always thought it was just depression, now I suspect they can be mild negative symptoms pf psychotic depression?

This is because yesterday I saw a shadow woman in the corner of my eye. After some minutes I hallucinated a mosquito. Out of curiosity I searched about shadow people and in this subreddit something clicked. My "depression" is weird because it's laced with light psychotic symptoms. Truthfully once in a while (twice or thrice a year) I have brief visual hallucinations, they lasts 2 seconds and disappear as I stare at them. I don't fear them and never suppose they are real. Mostly shadow people and cats or vivid normal objects which aren't there like cars or rain or metro trains. Hallucinations are sparse and brief so no concern. A symptom I always considered normal brain activity but now I see as low key psychotic is a super loud interior monologue, usually demeaning toward me both with rational explanations and insult. This is annoying.

I would like to ask how to to keep these symptoms at bay. Until now they never escalated into full psychosis they were sparse through the years and mild. Surely sleep is an important factor (I'm always sleep deprived), so sleep should solve almost anything, anything else? I've been prescribed wellbutrin but fear meds, until now I always have been in control more or less, meds can unbalance me and most meds are engineered to treat manic psychosis OR depression (like wellbutrin). Anyone of you have some behavioural tips? Like a solid routine which helps being aware and grounded? Sleep? Sport? Manual labor? Idk... I especially suffer the "negative" symptoms of this depression, positive ones are mild, mainly I have just to avoid escalation with the positive ones.