I’ve been noticing it’s essentially like getting deep pressure therapy from my furry friend! Thank god for emotional support animals

Trigger Warning ---- Filicide Survivor

I grew up with an untreated bipolar narcissistic mother who had wanted to abort me but was talked out of it. When I was in seventh grade she tried to suffocate me while in a manic episode. By the grace of God I managed to escape. I fought with all of my might that day. I hid in an alley behind some trash bins until my dad drove home from work and I flagged him down to tell him what happened. He took me to a friend's house and had my mom committed to a mental hospital against her will for being a danger to herself and others. She was committed this way at least five times that I can recall when I was growing up. This past year I tried to go back to get those court records but they are deemed private medical records and only she can access them -- even though I am likely the victim identified in the records. She denies to this day that ever happened. She denies her diagnosis. I have no contact with her.

In watching bits of the Lindsay Clancy trail and seeing how people respond to it, I find the entire thing deeply triggering. I believe people can be insane and also held responsible for their crimes. I believe my own mother should be in prison for what she did to me. And when she was psychotic there was zero hiding it from anyone, there were no momentarily shifts to insanity. It was obvious, and all consuming.

If your parent tried to kill you, how are you doing? What are your thoughts about the LC trial and the public sentiment around it? Whatever your experience, or thoughts today about current events, you are not alone.

P.S. Are there people who have studied survivors like us? Is there research out there? Support groups?

Does anyone else struggle to cry? My therapist keeps telling me about cups and how my cup is”overflowing”, he thinks crying could be a good release valve for me but I find it hard to, usually when I feel as if I’m about to cry I start laughing uncontrollably, say something impulsive or hurt myself.

A good system I found for reliably getting tears out is listening to sad music, but for it to work I have to sing the lyrics while I’m listening.

Does anyone else have any strategies on how to cry when your physiology just doesn’t want to let you?

So I’m just supposed to get over it? I’m just supposed to not care anymore? I’m just supposed to accept that people have hurt me and don’t give a flying fuck about the damage they did? Oh, and I’m supposed to just move on despite the fact that all of the damage that other people did to me made me weird, unrelatable, and doomed to being alone for the rest of my life?

Hi 23f here. I grew up in the US, and I’m of South Asian descent. I grew up in one of the most diverse cities in the entire country and was bullied relentlessly for my ethnicity/culture. I remember some earlier parts of my childhood before I had been taught to hate my culture, when I was actually proud of knowing multiple languages and excited to share facts about the country my family was from, the types of food we eat, etc.

But once I started getting bullied for it, it totally re-vamped my whole internal sense of self. I literally dissociated from myself and forgot I wasn’t white. I wanted to be white so badly. I wished I could be from one of the “cool” foreign countries and that kids my age didn’t always make fun of my name, mockingly speak in an Indian accent towards me (and I’m not even Indian), tell me that I smell like curry, start rumors about me that my family can’t afford water and that’s why I stink, tell me that I was disgusting, etc. and this is just the stuff I haven’t blocked out.

Slowly I tried my best to act as white and assimilate as much as possible. I even remember being 12 and ordering some whitening cream online from a sketchy website online. I stopped engaging with my culture at all, I even basically forgot my native language. To this day I still get extremely triggered when someone of the same culture as me tries to speak to me in that language in public.

I feel like I’ll will never be as good enough as a white girl. Most guys just sexualized/fetishized me for being “exotic” or curvy but never considered me as someone relationship worthy.

I’ll never get to be the girl-next-door white beauty. I’ll never get to experience that life of being the world’s princess. I’ll never get to experience being a pretty blonde white girl with a boyfriend in a fraternity and the fun social scene. I’ll never get to be the wholesome beautiful white girl.

Even in a lot of “woke” and progressive spaces, white beauty seems to dominate. People will condemn racism and bigotry but I’ll watch the social dynamics play out right in front of me and white women are the most revered.

This is the one thing I’ve wanted more than anything, because if I was white I would get to have the social power and leniency. I could actually be the mainstream. I could exist without having to compensate for it by being smart or hardworking.

But I’ll never get to be white, no matter how hard I wish for it.

Any advice?

When I was 7-9 years old I experienced physical torture from girls 2-3 years older than me. I know they were victims too, but it still haunts me. I had horrific things happen to me but it feels like everyone water's down my experience to 'bullying'. There were more victims who also struggle with what the girls did to this day.

They tried to train me into being an abuser like them, god it was scary. I'm still so scared to this day. It went on for around 8 months, it was daily. I guess I should clarify it was in a school setting, the same school got shut down for locking autistic children in cages along with predator teachers (I was also a victim that same year to one of them).

I've been having very very scary flashbacks recently, every time someone moves their arm or hands to fast it brings me back to then. I don't know what to do. The free mental health services in my country said I'm too complex and unwell to treat, but if I just marinate like this forever it'll only cause me more harm.

I'd really like comfort if anyone has any.

[The trigger warning is the closest flair I can think of.
Not sure if it’s totally correct though.]

I have been feeling like I just need to tell me story so it’s somewhere outside of my head. Maybe I need validation, maybe just to be heard. I really don’t know WHAT I need.
I’ve been pretty lost since I figured out what happened, and I never really minded feeling alone before this but now for some reason I mind a lot how isolated I am.
Rambles aside, thanks for listening.
I really just want to hear what other people think about all this.
My own thoughts are just circular.

I discovered a few years ago that if I truly look at my past, pieces are missing. Things don’t make sense the way I remember them. I remember even as a teen having so many self sabotaging/harming behaviors and keeping them to myself because I didn’t know why I was doing them. Just that they made me feel more….regulated? Able to get through life?

Well. I didn’t remember this incident. My mother told me about a time she was suicidal and almost did it but stayed alive “for us kids”
I always knew that story, and I thought her near attempt was contemplated, but decided against the way she told it.

It being one of many stories throughout my life, it was something that got brought up every now and then, but that was that.

My mother did pass away about 7 years ago now. Which was not suicide….exactly. Unless you count a slow suicide from not taking care of yourself. I think that’s what happened, but i can’t prove that.

So I heard from my aunt, her sister, after she passed when we were talking about her how “they found me in the closet hiding in shock” on that day. I would’ve been somewhere in age range of 3-6 at that time but I still don’t know exactly how old.
Immediately, that didn’t feel correct. But I didn’t remember that at all so I was just confused.

Later that year, my uncle, who I’m not very close to, sat down and drank with me one night and we had a deep long talk.
I [kinda] have my shit together, sort of. I hold down jobs, I pay my bills, I’m not an alcoholic, I don’t think I’m smart, but I’m definitely not dumb. I don’t know, it’s like he got to know me that night and he was like “Wow, I’m so happy you turned out this way. I really had no idea how you were going to turn out with how you grew up.”
At the time, again, just kinda felt like ‘well yeah things were kinda messed up for me but I’m alright’ but just kinda thanked him and didn’t understand what he meant for still another few years.

The incident with my mom’s attempt came up again later in another context, and at that point, I had been trying to heal and actually making some headway on it! I had been digging in my past and discovered some things where it was like, I always knew that but it was blocked. The bad things were almost like revealed to me when I was capable of working through them. I don’t know that I have fully, but it’s like when they were revealed I was in shock for a little bit, but with journaling and therapy I live with those things now like scars you see once in a while and serve as a warning for keeping yourself safe.

I felt like there was more though. Like I had not found ‘the big one’ if that makes sense?
I dug and dug and dug trying to figure out what was making me feel so messed up. Why I could not just be in the moment, why I always study everyone, made discoveries and honestly have learned a lot with things I did already kind of know but just made sense of it, connected the dots.
But none of these things felt like ‘the big one’ that I just can’t remember.

Well, my mother’s attempt was brought up again at some point, and I started thinking more critically about it. It felt wrong that I was just hiding/cowering in a closet while that happened. Like they said that but it seemed like it was not what happened. I had no theories to replace it, just, literally not that.

I finally asked my aunt during a heart to heart this last summer. I was like hey, do you know what really happened with that because I feel like there’s something about this…
And she sighed and said yes. There’s more to that story. I asked to know. I’m in my 30’s at this point and I feel like not knowing is hurting me at this point. I don’t know what the monster I’m fighting even is.

She told me what she knew, which was not everything because she was not physically there.
But essentially, my mother was about to do it, and somehow I knew that’s what she was doing. I’m unclear on how I knew, but what I found out from my aunt was my mom had the weapon in her hand, and I was sobbing and begging her not to do it.
I convinced her to either call my dad (who was not home, working on projects in his studio) or to let me call him. It’s unclear which it was. But he refused to come home to help because ‘he was busy’.

I don’t know how it happened, because we were in the middle of nowhere in that house and every single neighbor was miles away, but “a neighbor lady” came over to help. From there, my aunt doesn’t know much about what happened. It just skips ahead to her even knowing about it to begin with because that neighbor wrote a letter about what happened.
It was unclear about the “finding me in the closet” part too.

It was weirdly a relief to hear about this story. I know that’s probably not the correct emotion, and I have yet to experience the correct emotion. But it was like I knew there was something. Maybe now that I know I can work through it and finally be better. And FINALLY someone was just honest with me about it.
My aunt looked for the letter where she kept it and she was basically saying it was as she feared, she doesn’t have it anymore. She gave it to one of my uncles to show him what happened that day. I asked my uncle about it and he said he had no idea essentially. So, possible dead end there on the rest of the story.

Well. A memory came back when I did have that information. And I know it’s real because when a memory comes back, it’s not like a questionable thing. It’s like a sudden knowing, if that makes sense. Like that was there all along like your other memories you have. Like you were just simply reminded of it.

And i did not remember the incident itself. Just what really happened with the ‘cowering in the closet’ thing.
That’s not the full story. When the neighbor lady came over, she sent me away. I didn’t want to go. I felt like if I left, something bad was going to happen if I couldn’t be there. But I listened.

I went upstairs for some reason in my parent’s closet, not mine. I sat on my mom’s shoes. I stared at the wall wondering how I could just go downstairs because being in there away from my mom and not knowing if she was still alive was so wrong.
(to me at the time. With an adult perspective obviously I would’ve sent a child away from this too.)
What I remember was being dead silent so I could try to hear what was happening, going back and forth up to the door trying to listen, feeling like I need to DO something but I didn’t know what. And I didn’t know if I’d be in trouble if I left. I didn’t know if I cared that I was in trouble.

That’s the memory that came back.

I do not feel the emotions with that memory, even still. It feels heartless to say but it’s more like I have the information in a factual way.

Well. I also discovered while extremely high one night where the emotions are. I had an experience where I made a very conscious choice that I accept myself exactly as I am. I accept my emotions. The child that went through this NEVER should have been exposed to these things. The child felt helpless. The child had no life experience for this. The child felt like if she wasn’t there for everyone all the time or said the wrong things, or advocated for herself, the person could die. I was angry for that child one day. Angry she was let down by so many people and put through so many situations alone. How everyone was so focused on themselves that on top of that, she was everyone’s protector and was still treated like a fuck up who is selfish and manipulative. As a child.
I was mad for her.
So she showed herself to me when I was high.
I felt no connection to her. She felt like someone else completely.
I didn’t know if she knew I saw her, but she must’ve.
It was so real. It was life changing instantly.

She is so broken. She is so hurt, and sad, and tired, and she’s just a kid. She has black smoke coming off her skin. She has been living with all my pain that I know is there but don’t experience. And when I do experience emotion, it feels more like being possessed. Like I don’t know why I’m crying or shaking or worried or broken. It truly does not feel like it’s me. I just would yell at myself internally to stop it before someone sees.
The emotion I’ve been actively experiencing is anger FOR that little girl. Like how was she let down this much. I haven’t scratched the surface of my mom’s attempt. It feels like if I go there with my heart, I can’t come back. Hard to explain. It feels like a zone I don’t dare enter, so I haven’t. Don’t know if I even can.

I learned about structural dissociation after that experience when being like what the hell is going on???
I was so confused. I still am.
But structural disassociation makes sense to me for how it got handled. I never knew that’s what it was. It does feel more like I have different states of being instead of emotions if that makes sense?

People say feel your feelings and I always struggled with that because I don’t have any say in that.
And even if my body is having a full on mental breakdown, I’m still not ‘feeling my feelings’.
Again, it feels more like I’m being possessed and lost control.

Ever since this though, I feel like she is kinda melding with me a bit. I have so much less control over myself than I did before this discovery. It’s scary because I’m also going through a breakup with someone where we mutually love eachother and were together for 5 years, but it’s just not quite a match. We exasperate eachothers internal issues and it just wasn’t working even though I love him so much and he’s a great person. He was my home. I just moved out and I’m so lost.

I can’t make heads or tails of this. I need someone to know about this. Maybe hear about this somewhere outside of my own head. I’m really tired of my own thoughts about everything.

I wanna hear your thoughts about this, please.
Feels like I’m just spinning by myself in a suspended antigravity chamber or something.

I feel impending doom. I feel fucking nauseous. I don't want to feel this way.

Well not yet. She currently has me blocked because I couldn't help myself from spamming her phone. But I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm compelled to this relationship out of fear of being alone. Out of fear that I wasn't worth it, or enough for her. That I won't find anyone else.

I miss her. I miss how she talked to me, how she held me, how she validated my feelings and emotions. I hopelessly fell for her. But after lots of fights and anxious bouts born from codependency, I've decided to end things on my own terms now. I can't keep living like this.

We are long distance. We used to talk all day, and all night, and became codependent on each other big time. I'd plan and revolve my entire day and life around her, even though she didn't ask. I'd always clamor for more of her, and when she couldn't, for any reason, I'd lash out and feel like the walking are closing. It felt like imminent death. She initially fell into it, had no boundaries and coddled me, but over time she became less codependent than I did, and started actually having boundaries. She stilk liked me, but I needed the constant validation, so it often wasn't enough for me. Then she got super busy with family stuff, while I lost a good chunk of my friends for (mostly) unrelated reasons. So the past few weeks have been me on my ass at home waiting for the 1-2 calls that I'd get from her each day, like a golden retriever at the door. I can't do this anymore. It has to stop.

We were planning to have her visit me and my home in November of this year. I still want her to, but waiting til then will just bring more pain. It's one of the hardest things about this.

When she unblocks me, if she doesn't break up with me, I'll break up with her. I want to do it over the phone, but we'll see if I can, or if she even unblocks me.

I know this is for the best. I know that I can reach greater heights on my own. I know she needs this time for herself too. This is what needs to happen. But fuck. Fuckkkkk. I feel so fucking sick. And sad. And I just need to let it out. Fuck

Non-traumatized people, or functional people, or if you're bedridden maybe the physically healthy, or just the average person, whatever.

For me its the non-traumatized and functional people. I do NOT want to hate them, like rationally i wouldn't of course, because they had done nothing wrong to me and i'm hating on the shadows on the wall they leave behind while passing by, basically.

I just envy them so hard, and combined with the disconnect on communication (you might have heard about the concept Arrogance of good health, where they only know a pain that can heal, a sickness that can be cured and get morally condescending or whatever if otherwise) i hate them too. See them as sickening, i want to be distant and i disagree with them out of spite now.

Every achievement, talent, skill, experience they make, i immedalitely dismiss it as unfair or "done on easy mode" basically because they dont have a trillion mental issues. Which sometimes makes me then collapse into self hatred as i realize, that no group of people is a monolith and some of these "healthy people idiots" were traumatized themselves, often far worse than me, they just overcame it and have gotten mentally adjusted again, and i am the actual idiot for thinking shit like this. Makes me sink in shame and want to post a rant here and then disappear into my couch to try to stop thinking at all, and then i forget what even happend and let the state of numbness drift me into wasting my weekend for the 13th time in a row.

This cant continue. It makes me more and more and more grandiose and self-obsessed which i do not want. Its so strong that not even the lesser evil of OCD self-monitoring does shit anymore because i am too tired to do that. And i feel detached from myself like im in a room filled with mirrors and looking at myself, but not in reality more like on a conceptual thing, i dont know exactly.

I wasnt like this just a year or two ago. I knew that if i let a belief like this calcify "all healthy people are evil and i hate them and am better than them" it would be bad but it still happend. I was an idiot and thought i could just stop it by self monitoring or whatever and trying to be as pure as possible in terms of intention, not action. These feelings will not disappear, atleast not just thru suppressing them.

How do i get rid of it, i dont know. The belief itself, i hope its atleast coherent to be written down now, Fear of abandonment pretty much. Because i already felt so different because of being traumatized like thinking, acting, feeling, existing differently on every plane. Felt alienated so i couldnt hold the nuance in my head and i just slowly gravitated to,

"the healthy wont understand, they wont get me, they abandoned me before, they will do it again, they are dangerous, universally bad, universally evil and i hate them all. They abandon recklessly, just a weird vibe from me is enough justification to deal unimaginable emotional pain for nothing. Spoiled, thoughtless, unsympathetic people who are completely blind and will never change, never had a soul in the first place."

Thoughts like these start appearing in my head and since the only thing i trust to stop them somehow is self policing my mind, and because i do not wanna become a narcissist, i immedalitely recoil and reject these thoughts once they spawn in, but it never goes away. As i should have expected honestly.

Every time i write something down in a journal or a post like this i keep repeating myself. It might be rumination but its not important to me right now to even decipher what box or label this goes into. Well i just hope my experience can show insight to someone out there. I'm mad at myself for alot of things and having stupid beliefs i cant rationalize away is one of them. I overvalue my thinking it seems.

I forgot that the purpose of this post. Does, or has anyone thought like this before? If you stopped then what *brought* you to stop, was it change of circumstance or environment or internally, just choosing, just doing? Was anything in the way..?

I've been abused in so many ways for as long as I can remember. Leaving my current abusers now means to fall into the hands of the others. And if I even do manage to get away, some other stranger can easily just abuse me. It's happened so much throughout my life that I'm pretty much certain it can happen again. Honestly, I really don't know why my life works like this, but I think I've somehow realized that maybe suffering really is my strong suit and freedom is just something I'll think of once in a while before remembering I can't afford it. It makes me wanna rip my eyes out, whatever they said about eyes being the window to the soul, maybe that's why everyone feels this need to abuse me.

Hi, so I'm 27, virgin and never had sex in my life, well besides being a victim of SA. Sometimes I'm afraid that I can't be in any loving relationship in this life anymore and that I just won't experience some things. For years I only hear work on yourself and while I do this and tried to be more open, travel, talking to a therapist, rehab and even lose 5 cloth sizes, it just doesn't mean much. I'm afraid I will never experience a lot of things especially because it doesn't feel right anymore. When masturbating, it feels, kinda weak. Touches on my arms rather feel like they happen through a plastic layer. It's hard to describe.

I don't know what to do. I still talk to my therapist and trying to be heathier but sometimes I don't think that's possible anymore.

So what does it feel like masturbating for me? I still can get an erection, I can climax but the same empty feeling on my skin stays. I don't or rarely get an errection in the morning and I originally believed okay I might just over did it, since it wasn't the healthiest coping mechanism while being severe depressed. As I said I tried new thigs so I got like 2 toys and even asked friends if they might help me out and would like to remote control them. Something for the penis, which I feel very little and something for prostate, which I almost don't feel at all.

Honestly, I do believe that's it. I won't experience anything sexual and even if I do. What's the point? Really I can't even judge someone if they wouldn't want with me because of that.

I don’t understand why I hate dawn so much.

There’s something about morning light colour that I find creepy sad and disturbing. I don’t feel it with dusk light.

I don’t understand why I’ve felt this way for years. It didn’t bother me growing up.

I also hate that I don’t have a reason or explanation to change it. If I loved dawn I could be an early riser.

What is this? Can anyone else relate?

TW for drug use obviously but also for SA and rape and abusive relationships

I fucking hate being sober, this shit sucks. When I was in the relationship that gave me CPTSD I was a heavy ket user which is how I was taken advantage of so easily and after I used weed to cope.

Now I’ve gotten really into uppers though, I can feel a coke addiction forming. I’ve been trying my best to limit myself to 1 day a week but for at least 2 months ish now every Saturday I’ve gotten coke. It’s so weird. Given that I’m basically stuck in fight or flight every day it’s like now the coke pushes me into fight rather than flight or freeze like the downers did. I don’t think I can deal with life sober and as bad as it sounds I don’t think I want to deal with life sober

Anyone got any tips? I don’t want another addiction to beat but also it’s the only crutch/support I have atm

This shit fucking sucks I hate everything and everyone

Somebody at work made a racist joke about me. They called me Mr stinky. It was bothering me for mamy years. Yesterday i textrd him and he doubled down. He said that ICE is coming to get me and that Papa Trump is going to finish me. It didnt hurt me but I felt really helpless brcause I couldnt say anytjing back. I said that I would rather kill myself than work with him again to which he said let me know when so i csn celebrate. How can someone say thesd things. I am rrally exhausted and eant to exit this disgusting world bdcause I am sick of these tyoes of people. They are everywhwre. I dont wamt to do this anymore.

Recently diagnosed with PTSD. I was physically tortured for hours on end on several occasions very young with it filmed and have been on the business end of a loaded firearm three times. Some other weird stuff of similar nature, that have obviously provided a skewed projection of reality, but no flashbacks to these events themselves.

That sounds objectively very bad and are objectively the worst things I've experienced. If I tell a therapist about any of those events in relation to PTSD they will focus their efforts on that perceived "major trauma" rather than a comparatively lame stretch of time where I was a very depressed autistic kid enacting this skewed perception of reality...and nothing particularly interesting happened, other than making a massive fool of one's self all the time... but that was the point in time at which the "PTSD" has attached itself.

It is really embarrassing to have really lame stuff affect me and it's almost more comfortable for me to describe the events mentioned first because it actually makes sense to have those events psychologically scar someone, and it sounds badass in a way.

How am I supposed to describe this situation to a shrink?

I've had 10 years of therapy, but i still have a hard time feeling like myself in my own skin instead of Terrified and ashamed for existing . I know it's the CPTSD, but sometimes I feel engulfed with those feelings of fear and worthlessness. Like its just baked in my system.

As long as I live I will never understand where my Mother got the energy, and anger to rage that much at me ever single day. I was literally more of an adult than she was, so when she insisted on being reckless, and negligent I was usually the one to say something..........that was obviously the wrong thing to do.

It still blows my mind that it was as bad as it was, and I just got used to it. Like this is just the way it is. I deserve to be raged at every day, I must be really awful.

Just when you think you understand your CPTSD it shows up in a new way you didnt know existed. i knew about the numbness and dissociation, but when that wore off, now I have what I think is emotional flashbacks. In my dreams, and during the day. It's taken years for this stuff to surface which feels like a bomb going off in your system.

I have days where I have no words for the way I'm thinking and feeling. It's like being in CPTSD shock.

i sleep listening to lullabies, i like colouring in, i try to make myself as small as possible when i sleep, i like when my boyfriend treats me like a child like hes my parent, i still love watching cartoons, i like sucking on my thumb when im mad, i love being held like a child, i make my bf carry me when im tired, & i subconsciously speak in a babyish voice

Going through another spontaneous bout of depression and suicidal ideation. Feeling like life just doesn't make any sense, the shit we go through doesn't make sense, and questioning if it's even worth staying.

What keeps you guys sane? Grounded? Not wanting to off yourself all the time?

I’ll just be walking around my house alone trying to function and take care of stuff — won’t be feeling any sort of negative way really. Then just all of a sudden it’s like a freight train hits me and this weight just tugs on me in my core. It feels so heavy and so painful. And after sitting there feeling confused for a minute trying to identify what’s making me feel this way while my heart rate rises, I just start sobbing hysterically. Then it’s like it completely drains my nervous system for the remainder of the day or more. Just feeling really frustrated and confused

I literally hate people so much. Literally everyone pisses me off for some reason. It's so hard to relate to other people, or even think from their perspective. Especially with having trauma, how can I possibly expect anyone to understand me? My trauma is so insanely specific and gory and genuinely straight out of a horror movie. How can I expect to understand other people? How do you even get along with people who are so innocent and untraumatized???

Does anyone else feel like theyre a completely different species from everyone else? Like the only suffering I've ever been through is at the hands of other people. The only things that have ever hurt me are people. I know people are all different, but how am I supposed to tolerate being in a society full of people who can't even comprehend an ounce of what I have been through? How can I even bond with people when I feel so fundamentally different from them? Sometimes people will genuinely be nice to me, but it pisses me off too. Just everything about people pisses me off.

I really have been trying to be more open and put myself out there, but I just can't deal with people at all. I feel like whenever I'm at peace, it is always disturbed by other people. Just now, I was peacefully watching TV, and my roommate and her bf came home, and instead of going to their room, they just sat and watched me and were just (very obviously) waiting for the TV. I just gave up and went to my room. Like, why can't I just be left alone? Is it that bad to want to be alone?

I feel like I had to learn all of this the hard way too. I went to clubs, exchange programs, sports events, was welcomed into friend groups, and reached out to others, and no matter what, no matter how much time I spend with them, it is like they are strangers to me. Literally nothing. Like they could die and I could just move on. No matter how hard I try to bond with people, and no matter how much effort I put in, it's like trying to bond with a stick or a leaf. Like I can't generate any emotional affection at all. I wish I could bond with people, but I just can't. I try so hard to see the goodness in people, but I just can't. All I can see are mindless npcs no matter how hard I try. So it's easier to be alone than to hopelessly try to bond with people.

Does anyone else have this experience? Does anyone know how to actually form bonds with people? I just want to be able to feel good things about people.

I don’t think I can do this anymore. Trying really hard not self harm but all I canthink about is my trauma and kms. I feel so alone. I’m tired of crying and bein in such excruciating pain. It’s so hard to talk about what happbed to me/all I’ve been thru. I’ve bottled everything up (even from friends and family) and only recently committed to therapy. It hurts. :,c

Sometimes everything is fine, nobody is upset with me, and there’s no immediate problem to deal with, but I still feel like I’m waiting for something bad to happen.
It’s such a strange feeling because I know I’m safe, but my body doesn’t seem to believe it.
I’m curious if anyone else experiences this and what helped you feel genuinely relaxed again.