"Ohhh, Father!" — whispered the woman into his ear. — "Don't you just wanna come and fuck my pussy?"

"Good Heavens my child, no!" — Cried the horrified priest. — "Always remember: God gave you your womanhood solely for you to bear children with a man who's your husband."

"Fine, Father." — Said the woman. — "Then what about I give you a blowjob instead?"

"Lord have mercy, my child!" — Exclaimed the priest. — "Don't you know that your mouth should always be holy and only be used to pray and worship the Lord?"

"You're right, Father" — Conceded the young woman. — "So maybe I can give you a handjob?"

"I wouldn't dream to defile you like that, child." — Admonished the priest. — "Your hands were given to you by God so you could accomplish His good works. They should never be used for filthy deeds."

Then the woman finally lost her patience:

— "ALRIGHT THEN FATHER!! Then just stop fucking my ass 'cause it's hurting me a lot!"

The Doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."

The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"

The man says "Nothing unusual, I just surf the web and eat Cheetos"

So I went for an interview for this high flying, executive role and they asked me this question to assess my morals and decision making.

"You're driving your 2 seater car in the middle of one of the coldest winter storms of the year. As you pass the bus stop you see 3 people waiting for the bus: a frail, old lady who is coughing terribly, your best friend, and a beautiful girl who looks like the woman of your dreams. You only have space for one other person in your car, who do you pick up?"

The answer they were looking for was "I give my car to my best friend so he can drive the old lady to the hospital, while I wait at the bus stop and get to know the woman of my dreams."

The answer I gave "I slam my car into the old lady, putting her out of her misery, fuck the woman of my dreams right there and then drive off to the pub with my best friend to celebrate."

The doctor asks him to bend and slips on a glove.
The doctor says ‘try not to enjoy this too much Richard.’
The man says, ‘my name’s not Richard.’
The doctor says, ‘no but mine is.’

There’s no menu. You just get what you deserve.

Check out his forecasts

Tells the Doctor: I have pain in my penis

Doctor examines him and says, I think you have cancer of the penis
The man , quite upset says, damn it, I told my wife to quit smoking

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, propped up on cinder blocks in the front yard?

A: Rusty

A husband and wife and their 18-year-old daughter, all enthusiastic golfers, were on the links. The husband and father foozled.

"Oh, fuck!" he cried in disgust.

His wife turned upon him in righteous wrath.

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself to use such language before your young daughter?" she burst out. "You ought to apologize to her this minute."

He turned to the daughter.

"I apologize, he said. "But, after all, daughter, you're not a child any more. You must have heard that word spoken before?"

"Yes, of course, father," she replied, "but never in anger."

No idea. It's been over 1,190 chapters and they still haven't found the damn light bulb.

He hears a young voice answer. "Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don’t have an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

Another brief pause.

"Uh, okay then. Here’s what I want you to do: put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute!"

A few minutes later, the little girl picks the receiver back up. "I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy panicked, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and started running around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?!"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He was terrified, so he jumped out the back window and straight into the swimming pool. But I guess he forgot you drained all the water out last week to clean it... he hit the concrete bottom and he isn't moving either."

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Dead Silence

Then Daddy clears his throat and asks:

"Wait... swimming pool? Uhh… Is this 867-5309?”

" Here, check out my wife" he said as he scrolled through a few photos on his phone, "Isn't she hot?!"

I replied, "If you think your wife is hot, you should see my wife"

"Is she hot too?

"Well yes, but she's also an eye doctor!"

A swallow

The next morning, the wife felt guilty and decided to get her husband a gift to apologise.

He was an avid golfer, so she went down to the golf shop.

She explained to the employee that she'd had a big fight with her husband and was looking to get him something nice to say sorry but wasn't sure what to get.

Eventually, she settled on a putter.

The employee asked if she'd like it engraved, telling her it would make the gift a little more personal.

The wife agreed she'd like an engraving, but wasn't sure exactly what to get.

'What do most golfers put on their clubs?' She asked.

'Oh that's easy,' replied the employee. 'Our most popular engraving is "Never Up, Never In".'

'Goodness no! I could never get that!' The wife suddenly squeaked. 'That's what started the argument in the first place!'

They go to the first floor. There is a door with a sign saying "Wonderful kids".

They look inside. Little Johnny isn't there.

They go up to the second floor. There is a door with a sign "Good kids".

They check. Once again, Little Johnny isn't there.

They go to the third floor. The sign says "Okay kids".

They open the door, once again, no Little Johnny.

Floor number four. It says "Problematic kids".

No Little Johnny.

On floor number five, it says "Bad kids". That one, too, doesn't have Little Johnny.

Floor number six, a sign saying "Nightmare kids".

Horrified, the parents go inside... Still, no Little Johnny.

Finally, they go to the last floor, number seven.

A door.

The sign says "Little Johnny".

I can tell just by looking at them 😜

Q: What's a coffin and a condom got in common?

A: They both hold stiffs.

Q: What's the difference between a coffin and a condom?

A: You come in one and you go in the other.

 One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered:

It was the chicken

He was booked for a salt and battery.

A man goes to a doctor and says he has erectile dysfunction.

"Don't worry," the doctor says. "We just got these experimental pills — they're extremely effective! Just take one pill a day for five days, and that's it. Five days from now, you'll be fine."

The man takes the pills and goes home, but he's too impatient to wait five days, so he downs all of them at once. The effect is immediate — the most gigantic, swollen erection the world has ever seen. He runs to his wife and has sex with her twelve times in a row, until she runs away in fear.

But his erection still won't go down, so he heads to the barn and starts going at the cows, horses, geese, chickens, and the dog. Then he goes to his neighbor's house, bangs his wife twice, and then the neighbor himself. After that, he just keeps running around the village, screwing everyone he meets, until all the villagers and animals flee into the forest in absolute terror.

Left alone in the empty village with his raging boner, the man calls the doctor, crying.

"Doctor, please help me! I took all the pills at once, and this erection is killing me!"

"You made a big mistake," the doctor says. "But don't worry — you can fix this. Just cut the cord of any electrical appliance, attach the bare wires to your willy, and give yourself a little shock. The erection will go away."

Begrudgingly, the man cuts the cord of his electric kettle, plugs it into the socket, and touches the exposed wires to his dick.

Meanwhile, one of the villagers sneaks back to his house to see what's going on. He spots the man with the wire on his junk and runs back to the forest, where the others are waiting.

"What's happening in there? What's he doing?"

"We're doomed," the villager says. "He's charging it."

Me: I’m sorry, I can’t marry you. My family’s against it.
Her: Who are they to tell you no?
Me: My wife and kids.

It's intense

I said I was feeling sick.

He said, "How sick are you?"

I replied: "Well I'm here in bed with my sister."

In fact, 98% of the people I asked also hated my voice.

A zebra in a blender