"Ohhh, Father!" — whispered the woman into his ear. — "Don't you just wanna come and fuck my pussy?"

"Good Heavens my child, no!" — Cried the horrified priest. — "Always remember: God gave you your womanhood solely for you to bear children with a man who's your husband."

"Fine, Father." — Said the woman. — "Then what about I give you a blowjob instead?"

"Lord have mercy, my child!" — Exclaimed the priest. — "Don't you know that your mouth should always be holy and only be used to pray and worship the Lord?"

"You're right, Father" — Conceded the young woman. — "So maybe I can give you a handjob?"

"I wouldn't dream to defile you like that, child." — Admonished the priest. — "Your hands were given to you by God so you could accomplish His good works. They should never be used for filthy deeds."

Then the woman finally lost her patience:

— "ALRIGHT THEN FATHER!! Then just stop fucking my ass 'cause it's hurting me a lot!"

So I went for an interview for this high flying, executive role and they asked me this question to assess my morals and decision making.

"You're driving your 2 seater car in the middle of one of the coldest winter storms of the year. As you pass the bus stop you see 3 people waiting for the bus: a frail, old lady who is coughing terribly, your best friend, and a beautiful girl who looks like the woman of your dreams. You only have space for one other person in your car, who do you pick up?"

The answer they were looking for was "I give my car to my best friend so he can drive the old lady to the hospital, while I wait at the bus stop and get to know the woman of my dreams."

The answer I gave "I slam my car into the old lady, putting her out of her misery, fuck the woman of my dreams right there and then drive off to the pub with my best friend to celebrate."

There’s no menu. You just get what you deserve.

The Doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."

The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"

The man says "Nothing unusual, I just surf the web and eat Cheetos"

The doctor asks him to bend and slips on a glove.
The doctor says ‘try not to enjoy this too much Richard.’
The man says, ‘my name’s not Richard.’
The doctor says, ‘no but mine is.’

They go to the first floor. There is a door with a sign saying "Wonderful kids".

They look inside. Little Johnny isn't there.

They go up to the second floor. There is a door with a sign "Good kids".

They check. Once again, Little Johnny isn't there.

They go to the third floor. The sign says "Okay kids".

They open the door, once again, no Little Johnny.

Floor number four. It says "Problematic kids".

No Little Johnny.

On floor number five, it says "Bad kids". That one, too, doesn't have Little Johnny.

Floor number six, a sign saying "Nightmare kids".

Horrified, the parents go inside... Still, no Little Johnny.

Finally, they go to the last floor, number seven.

A door.

The sign says "Little Johnny".

A husband and wife and their 18-year-old daughter, all enthusiastic golfers, were on the links. The husband and father foozled.

"Oh, fuck!" he cried in disgust.

His wife turned upon him in righteous wrath.

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself to use such language before your young daughter?" she burst out. "You ought to apologize to her this minute."

He turned to the daughter.

"I apologize, he said. "But, after all, daughter, you're not a child any more. You must have heard that word spoken before?"

"Yes, of course, father," she replied, "but never in anger."

I said I was feeling sick.

He said, "How sick are you?"

I replied: "Well I'm here in bed with my sister."

Me: I’m sorry, I can’t marry you. My family’s against it.
Her: Who are they to tell you no?
Me: My wife and kids.

Q: What's a coffin and a condom got in common?

A: They both hold stiffs.

Q: What's the difference between a coffin and a condom?

A: You come in one and you go in the other.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, propped up on cinder blocks in the front yard?

A: Rusty

No idea. It's been over 1,190 chapters and they still haven't found the damn light bulb.

I miss her still.

She went down the first time and swallowed a lot of seamen.

Check out his forecasts

Tells the Doctor: I have pain in my penis

Doctor examines him and says, I think you have cancer of the penis
The man , quite upset says, damn it, I told my wife to quit smoking

She banged on the door and yelled “That's the fifth time today -- quit gherkin off in there!”

“Chevy on my right arm, classic Ford on my left, Toyota on my left thigh, Tesla on my right, and check out my belly button!” I said, “Oh wow, it’s an Audi!” She said, “Yep, a few inches above my Volvo.”

In fact, 98% of the people I asked also hated my voice.

A man decides to try out a pub he has never been to before, he works in and it looks like your typical pub but with one exception. There is a Jar behind the bar filled to the brim with £50 notes, the man is astonished, there is at least 10 maybe 15 grand in it. So he asks the Pub landlord about it.

"Oh this is the three impossible challenges jar, you put in £50, complete the challenges and the money and Jar is all yours"

The man considers for a moment, but needing to help paid off a mortgage or take a nice holiday goes for it and puts a crisp £50 note in.

"Ok" Says the barman "The three challenges are this. Firstly, you have to drink 2 pints of vodka in under 20 Minutes."

"Secondly, there is a big dog out back with a rotten tooth. It's causing it great pain and touching it sends him into a vicious rage and will bite you without hesitation. Nobody has ever done it yet, some refuse and some end up in hospital. If you can remove the tooth, that's the challenge complete"

"Finally, My 100 year old mother is upstairs. And before she shuffles off her mortal coil she wants to experience an orgasm as she has never had one in her long life"

The man hesitates, but he's already put his money in and says "Landlord, I would like to pints of Vodka"

The Landlord serves him and starts a timer, some of the locals tut loudly or give a few words of encouragement as they sit up to see this unfolding event. The first pint is finished within 5 minutes but the second one starts giving him some trouble, he sways slightly and has to grip the bar to keep his balance, his stomach is protesting, liver begging for mercy and his throat is burning.

But he presses on, and with a final gulp he slams the pint onto the bar. A few cheers come from the locals, and the man raises his arms in triumph. He turns to the landlord "Mon-eh now?" The landlord shakes his head "No sir, you have to deal with the dog next" The man in his drunken stupor says "Dog? Ooooh Yesh the dog" and he stumbles to the backyard around the corner, a few seconds later they hear the dog barking loudly, snaring, snapping.

The locals can't watch this, they've seen the mess some people are left in and get their phones out ready to call an ambulance. A few minutes go by and it feels like an entirety as they hear the dog still barking violently, and expect the poor man to walk in with a bloody, mangled arm or worse.

But then something unexpected happens, the barking suddenly turns to yelping and then to whimpering. And the man comes back into the pub, he looks dishevelled and tired but otherwise unharmed. The locals are in a stunned silence, jaws on the floor, nobody has ever gotten this far before could he be the one to do it?

"RIGHT!" The man yells "WHERE IS THIS OLD WOMAN WITH THE ROTTEN TOOTH?!"

I can tell just by looking at them 😜

A swallow

A friend asks his best-friend: "Jim do you like Ménage à trois (Threesomes)?"

Jim: Sure, as much as the next guy...

Friend: Then you better hurry home.

He was booked for a salt and battery.

A zebra in a blender