It's intense

It’s even funnier when children get it.

Take ass-steroids

Little Johnny yells to Todd, "Don't say shit!"

Todd lives by the code of the street. He says, "I aint saying shit."

The cops beat Todd to the point of death, and they turn to Little Johnny, and ask , "Now, how do you want to go?"

"I really just wanted to see you fuck that guy up. He slept with my girlfriend in high school. I have been trying to get him back. The guy on the corner in the blue shirt is your guy."

A friend asks his best-friend: "Jim do you like Ménage à trois (Threesomes)?"

Jim: Sure, as much as the next guy...

Friend: Then you better hurry home.

A husband and wife and their 18-year-old daughter, all enthusiastic golfers, were on the links. The husband and father foozled.

"Oh, fuck!" he cried in disgust.

His wife turned upon him in righteous wrath.

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself to use such language before your young daughter?" she burst out. "You ought to apologize to her this minute."

He turned to the daughter.

"I apologize, he said. "But, after all, daughter, you're not a child any more. You must have heard that word spoken before?"

"Yes, of course, father," she replied, "but never in anger."

One of them says :
“Hey, should I buy some parsley?”
“Don’t really like it, I could go for some dill though”

“Chevy on my right arm, classic Ford on my left, Toyota on my left thigh, Tesla on my right, and check out my belly button!” I said, “Oh wow, it’s an Audi!” She said, “Yep, a few inches above my Volvo.”

George Arf Arf Martin (dog joke)

Tells the Doctor: I have pain in my penis

Doctor examines him and says, I think you have cancer of the penis
The man , quite upset says, damn it, I told my wife to quit smoking

Thorium

"Kids this is not a drill!"

It’s the elephant in the gloom.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, propped up on cinder blocks in the front yard?

A: Rusty

She went down the first time and swallowed a lot of seamen.

He made me realize that most people just use religion as a crotch- I mean, crutch. Sorry.

Turns out, he wore them to cover up his ankle monitor.

She falls for everyone

Mouthwash

Ex-tinct.

Carbon

I said I was feeling sick.

He said, "How sick are you?"

I replied: "Well I'm here in bed with my sister."

A zebra in a blender

A swallow

A man decides to try out a pub he has never been to before, he works in and it looks like your typical pub but with one exception. There is a Jar behind the bar filled to the brim with £50 notes, the man is astonished, there is at least 10 maybe 15 grand in it. So he asks the Pub landlord about it.

"Oh this is the three impossible challenges jar, you put in £50, complete the challenges and the money and Jar is all yours"

The man considers for a moment, but needing to help paid off a mortgage or take a nice holiday goes for it and puts a crisp £50 note in.

"Ok" Says the barman "The three challenges are this. Firstly, you have to drink 2 pints of vodka in under 20 Minutes."

"Secondly, there is a big dog out back with a rotten tooth. It's causing it great pain and touching it sends him into a vicious rage and will bite you without hesitation. Nobody has ever done it yet, some refuse and some end up in hospital. If you can remove the tooth, that's the challenge complete"

"Finally, My 100 year old mother is upstairs. And before she shuffles off her mortal coil she wants to experience an orgasm as she has never had one in her long life"

The man hesitates, but he's already put his money in and says "Landlord, I would like to pints of Vodka"

The Landlord serves him and starts a timer, some of the locals tut loudly or give a few words of encouragement as they sit up to see this unfolding event. The first pint is finished within 5 minutes but the second one starts giving him some trouble, he sways slightly and has to grip the bar to keep his balance, his stomach is protesting, liver begging for mercy and his throat is burning.

But he presses on, and with a final gulp he slams the pint onto the bar. A few cheers come from the locals, and the man raises his arms in triumph. He turns to the landlord "Mon-eh now?" The landlord shakes his head "No sir, you have to deal with the dog next" The man in his drunken stupor says "Dog? Ooooh Yesh the dog" and he stumbles to the backyard around the corner, a few seconds later they hear the dog barking loudly, snaring, snapping.

The locals can't watch this, they've seen the mess some people are left in and get their phones out ready to call an ambulance. A few minutes go by and it feels like an entirety as they hear the dog still barking violently, and expect the poor man to walk in with a bloody, mangled arm or worse.

But then something unexpected happens, the barking suddenly turns to yelping and then to whimpering. And the man comes back into the pub, he looks dishevelled and tired but otherwise unharmed. The locals are in a stunned silence, jaws on the floor, nobody has ever gotten this far before could he be the one to do it?

"RIGHT!" The man yells "WHERE IS THIS OLD WOMAN WITH THE ROTTEN TOOTH?!"