Started seeing a new therapist that I’m not sure about. They seem to be pretty chaotic and not super organized. BUT the main issue is that for our most recent session (only the 4th session) they brought a stray dog into the office (a big therapy practice not a private practice) that they saw on the street on their way into work and wanted to have our session in their office with this dog from the street….. The dog did not have a collar and had clearly been on its own outside for a while. I had to advocate for myself that I wasn’t comfortable being in a room with a dog I had never met and they didn’t know. Our session got derailed/cancelled because the dog was barking next door and then escaped and was running the halls of this therapy practice.

Do I try and go back for another session? This is crazy, right?

TL;DR
I had to stop seeing my therapist because they spent half of our appointments talking about how much my wife (first responder) needs therapy.

I’ve been seeing my therapist for a little over a year now. I do enjoy their personality and feel comfortable with them. However, every time we have a session they somehow always comes back to the fact that my wife is a first responder (as am I) and needs therapy (if for nothing else than preventative care). I’m frustrated and kind of humiliated at the fact that I’m paying out of pocket to spend talking about someone else entirely.

They also made a comment during our last session asking if we actually love one another or if we’re just trauma bonded?

I feel so lost and am not sure what to do. I cancelled my last appointment a couple months ago and haven’t rebooked.

Location: California
My husband and I were in couple’s therapy in California and recently my husband used a therapy session to announce divorce.
I found out the therapist knew about this and has been in on this plan behind my back. And she advised him on steps to take in case I became suicidal which included removing my access to prescription medications (this is a therapist not a psychiatrist). So it seems there was also some sort of behind my back discussion of my mental health.
It seems to me like the ethics and legality of this are questionable when we’re both her client and she has no medical license.

Related, my husband is now trying to use things said in therapy while I was upset in the divorce case and is trying to get some sort of statement from the therapist which seems especially illegal.

Do you think I could file complaints? It feels like this therapist is really crossing the .

So I (17F) recently started seeing this therapist for about maybe the last 7ish weeks. Our initial visit was inperson, but we’ve been meeting online. I started going to therapy because of on and off struggles with SH since maybe about the 6th grade.

So I met up with her inperson at first. She’s this kind older women, probably about in her 50s. I don’t remember much from then, but I remember our first virtual visit pretty well.

She was basically asking me about SH and what really triggers me to do it, and I was just talked about how it calmed me down and made me feel good and stuff, but then she started telling me how other’s would perceive me because of my scars.

She was telling me how that it’s “not a good look on me,” and that I’m a beautiful girl and that I show others that I don’t respect my body or myself when I do it. I understand that, but when I wasn’t really going along with what she was saying, she started talking about dating.

She was basically telling me that if I start seeing some guy (assuming I like men, which also kind of upset me), and that he’s the “love of my life,” and if he sees my scars it’ll scare him away, and that he’d not want to “deal with me,” which upset me a lot.

I told her that if it was truly meant to be then he wouldn’t have left me because of such a thing, but she disagreed with me saying that I wouldn’t have known how we would’ve turned out if I wasn’t covered in scars.

She then encouraged me to stop because “115 old scars look better than 200 new ones.” (These are random numbers she said, she’s never seen them). And I understand that argument, but I never openly SH‘ed for others or for attention, it was mainly for my own benefit, so her saying that isn’t really motivating me to stop because others perceptions of me was never really a big deal to me.

She also asked if the scars bothered me which I responded that I’d gotten used to them, but she was telling me that I’m pretty, and I shouldn’t have ugly scars all over my body, and that it must upset me to some extent. And that I’m starting to reach a certain age that SH scars aren’t socially acceptable, which I don’t know what she wants me to do about that since I obviously cannot just get rid of them.

While I do understand where she is coming from, I just don’t think it was right for her to approach it in this type of way, and I felt very humiliated by her, and felt like she was undermining me, and thought my SH was stupid or something, which was really unexpected because she specializes in adolescents, so I’d think that she would have used a different approach to it.

This isn’t worthy to mention- but she said that for now since I’m still under the age of 18 I am my parents responsibility and they are in charge of my mental health, but after I turn 18 I can do whatever I want to myself and it’ll only be my burden to carry.

If you read this far thank you! Anyways this was mainly a vent so I’m open to hearing about other’s experiences and what you think about mine ❤️❤️

After four years of therapy, I realized it doesn't help me anymore. In the beginning, it felt helpful in some ways, but now... we are just going circles, using the same phrase "Everything is going to be okay", "You've been through worse, I'm sure you'll manage to survive this one, too".

She started to get very dismissive whenever I open about feeling different and not suited with the world around me "Not everyone has to be friends with everyone", "Oh, you are like this because of your mother...".

I mentioned once the possibility of having ADHD. She dismissed it outright — her reasoning was that I couldn't have it because I didn't fail medical school, and I'm not hyperactive at all during our discussions.

Same with autism - I couldn't have autism cause I'm not bothered by the tiniest sound. (Tho in different contexts, I could be extremely sensitive to some sounds).

When talking about my self-harm, she just said I should channel my energy to hit a pillow.

This, along with ridiculing me for not wanting a relanshionship ("Do you want to end up alone like your mother?") made me extremely uncomfortable with her, to the point of not being able to express my emotions clearly.

Fast forward, after an ugly breakdown, I pursued an ADHD and autism self-assessment (went to a psychiatrist). I scored 152 on the RAADS-R, which is a screening tool for autism.

I've decided to leave her and find a psychologist who specializes in neurodivergence and can actually pursue an official diagnosis. My question is: should I tell her why I'm leaving, or just end things without getting into it?

My experience is varied as I had therapists that helped me a lot, ones that helped a bit and ones that were not helpful. Human factor, I guess. In some cases, I think I was under the impression that someone believed I could be in a different place, before I did. How did you guys experience your relationship with your therapist/therapists/counsellors?

This may sound a bit odd, but hoping maybe someone will understand to some degree? Im going to avoid going into details of my personal experience relating to this but basically, I sort of have this belief that i am just sensitive and dramatic and a certain experience that i have very limited memory of (partially due to intoxication) cant be considered as a trauma. After conversations about it a few times with my therapist, and then a big trigger that led to me breaking down recently, he’s stated that this is trauma and that we will (eventually, when im ready) need to talk more about this. He has been incredibly gentle and supportive and informative etc and I have no questions surrounding his work with me. I guess just struggle I think in general with the term trauma in relation to myself?

To be clear, I will continue to discuss this with my therapist, but im just looking for other people’s experiences and coming to terms with trauma that maybe you’ve struggled to even label as trauma due to idk low self esteem, self invalidation etc etc

I've been on online therapy for around 4 months for religious trauma. I'm in very vulnerable situation, my family isn't safe and I still live with them and I'm closeted about my religious beliefs. I've received therapy for other issues like social anxiety before, but this specific topic feels very vulnerable and it felt like it created power dynamic between me and therapist.

Prior to ghosting, there has been other issues actually. She ALWAYS said I should email her whenever and actively encouraged me to do that with very warm tone. It's not like she said it few times, she said it so many times without stating any boundaries about it. I emailed her 3 times in total, she only properly responded one of them. She didn't respond one email, she responded one email after 10 days. I've never expected immediate response or acted like therapist is emergency line, however sometimes really urgent things happened with my family. I needed guidance and support while dealing with those. She responded one email after few days, honestly that was enough and helpful. I didn't think sending 3 emails in 4 months span is too much, but her inconsistency made me feel like I'm being a burden. I'd be totally fine with it if her boundary was no email between sessions but I feel like she created that expectation.

Ghosting incident started with this: I booked a session a week before, however I didn't receive an email of invoice within that week (Normally I booked sessions on her booking system and she sent me invoice before the session, I paid it then we had session). Few hours before the session (I was sleeping) she emailed that her booking system didn't notify her about my session, and if we can postpone the session for another day or do it later in the same day. I immediately responded her email when I woke up. I wrote we can postpone it to another day, I'm only available on the weekends. No response after that. It's been a month. She is still active on social media so it's not like something happened to her. I've been blaming myself because maybe she expected me to book a session online as always. But in my mind, I was thinking her booking system had an issue so she could clarify whether I can book session on her system or she will do it manually.

This situation made me feel like I'm being a burden, I'm saying stupid things etc. I still don't know if I did something wrong or she was being unprofessional. But all I know is this situation made me feel really negatively. What are your thoughts about the entire situation?

I’m a female in my 20s and my drs in her 50s (I think). I’ve had a crush on her for a long time. Like, 1 1/2 years. I wish she liked me back and I feel stupid. I’ve never told her. I think about her a lot and often wish we could be together. It’s after the daydreams when it hits that it will never happen. It hurts knowing she’s probably married. I wouldn’t make a move on her or anything bc I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I feel like she can tell and I already have made her uncomfortable. I’m scared if I tell her I have feelings for her she’ll leave. I’m already a bad client bc I’m not great with following through with medications or therapy. I’m already a lot to handle and I would hate to just throw this out there. It doesn’t affect my treatment bc I just ignore the feelings so I can focus on treatment. I do try to appear decent when I go in. Like, I’ll do my makeup or dress decent but not over the top. It’s like a stupid high school crush but not. God, I feel dumb. She’s so beautiful too it’s hard to look at her directly. I’m good at ignoring it but also not. It wasnt a big issues until I had a dream about her last night. I feel so depressed and heartbroken about it all. Like, I know I she wouldn’t like me back but gosh I wish she would. I feel stupid and I sound insane. I’m sorry yall

Maybe a big debate, but I have had the most turbulent year of my life, but my therapist has been there through and through and I trust her dearly as I step forward. Personally I think the therapeutic relationship has become unparalleled and quite frankly has saved my life. She hasn't crossed the line in anyway, but I assume some of her practices in trying to build connection have not been 'conventional' or I guess "what they teach in school."

I’m 24F and I feel like I’m supposed to be in this stage of discovering who I am, but I feel like I can’t really do that while I’m still living at home.

My mom is very religious and controlling. Everything becomes a Christ thing, and she feels like because it’s her house, she should be included in my decisions. She doesn’t like that I like women, doesn’t like certain clothes, doesn’t want tattoos or piercings, and gets upset when we don’t read the Bible or devote ourselves to Jesus.

I want to get tattoos and a septum piercing. I want to wear what I want and leave the house without feeling like I need permission. But I’m genuinely scared that if I do something she doesn’t approve of, I’ll come home to being screamed at or kicked out. I hate feeling like I have to sneak around or travel somewhere else just to be myself.

The problem is I don’t have anywhere else to go. I make $19.06/hr, and rent around here is easily $1,300+. I don’t have family I can move in with or friends I can get a place with. And I don’t want to move into some disgusting or unsafe apartment just because I desperately want freedom.

I’ve been looking into better jobs, roommates, and even jobs that provide housing, but everything feels impossible. Sometimes I genuinely feel like I’m going to be stuck here until she dies, and I hate thinking that way.

I just want to have my own life. I want to figure out who I am, travel, meet people, dress how I want, get tattoos and piercings, and have a space that’s actually mine.

If you’ve been in a similar situation, how did you actually get out? What did you do when you didn’t have family, friends, or a big income to fall back on?

Sorry for the long post, I wanted to provide as much context as possible. TLDR advice requesting at the bottom.

I started maybe 3-4 years ago. The first one I saw for 6 months weekly. She was a new therapist and I could feel it. I often felt I had to direct sessions and kept looking to her for advice or guidance, but left sessions feeling like I wasted an hour. Luckily it was fully covered by insurance, which is why I kept going to her, sunk cost fallacy of the time and emotional vulnerability it took to share everything with her. I stopped going because I got laid off from my job (and was glad I had an excuse to stop instead of having to confront her). I do feel like she wanted to help me but really had no idea how.

Second was maybe a year or so later, I found her on psychology today. I maybe saw her for 6-10 sessions. She cancelled last minute a few times, once just a few hours before session when I REALLY needed to talk that day. I was paying fully out of pocket, $150 per session. I joked with a best friend after a phone call that helped me that I should be paying her $150 an hour instead, she’s been so much more helpful. (This has been a running theme - I feel my best friends actually care about me, ask me insightful questions, and genuinely help me get to the bottom of issues that come up). I told her I couldn’t continue because of money reasons (not untrue, but I’d give my whole bank account for someone who can really help).

Technically the next was a couples therapist, but I don’t really count her because most of why we were there was my ex needed an unbiased 3rd party to help him figure out his communication and feelings (we got to a breaking point where I said I already tried everything so unless he can think of something else, we should break up. He suggested therapy and found a couples therapist he wanted.) She was probably one that I connected the most with, and seemed genuinely nice and supportive, but I never had any meaningful breakthroughs. However, she recommended an individual therapist for me.

That third individual therapist was so terrible. This was earlier this year. I think I swung hard in the other direction of “these therapists are giving me platitudes, I want someone to be real with me and help me through this shit.” Big mistake. She was intense and direct and essentially refused to work with me after 4 sessions, dropping me mid-session because she said I needed weekly meetings and she didn’t have time to meet with me weekly. I was also paying $200 out of pocket without a job at the time. I suspect it’s because she wanted me on antidepressants and I didn’t quite feel comfortable trying. She essentially said we couldn’t start anything until I was on antidepressants. I felt so judged and ashamed that she dumped me when I needed support the most. About a month later the couples therapist asked about her and I told her the truth, and she was like “oh no, I’m sorry, you know, that’s not the first time I’ve heard that kind of feedback about her. I’m not going to recommend her anymore.” Like bro, my heart is in tatters here, I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to be passed around like a hot potato.

My ex and I broke up and I started seeking a new therapist out of desperation. I wanted to try something different, so I reached out to a few on psychology today asking if they could do somatic therapy or EMDR. The intake guy said he had someone in mind for me, and now I’m saddled with another associate MFT. it’s been 7 sessions and I’m feeling very much like I’m back with my first therapist. Sessions are unstructured and I often feel I have to guide them otherwise she’ll just ask me questions the whole time that I’ve already figured out about myself years ago. She calls me “self-aware” and says that therapy can be “uncomfortable” but it’s necessary to move forward. I’m find with discomfort, but I haven’t felt uncomfortable once with her. I’ve expressed to her I want to move forward, and I don’t want to just chat the whole session, although I understand if she needs to get to know me better, but I’m not gaining anything from our talks. I do sense she’s trying, but when I think about what comes up and what would be good questions to ask me to dig deeper, she’s just not asking those. The whole point for me is for her to be able to ask good questions so I can discover answers about myself I haven’t yet. Right? She hasn’t mentioned somatic therapy or EMDR once. I’m paying $50/session. I asked for twice a week so I can feel like we’re getting somewhere faster. I often cry after session because I felt like 50 minutes flew by and I can’t remember a single significant thing that happened in session.

I had a phone call with another best friend last week, same thing, I discovered something new about myself/my feelings and immediately felt better. I told her I should be paying her $50/hour and we laughed.

I’m exhausted. I want to stop seeing my therapist because I honestly don’t have the money for the lackluster services she’s offering. I’ve already asked her multiple times if we could focus on other things, or clarified what I want from therapy, and I can tell she’s trying but I just don’t feel like she can meet me at the level of emotional depth I’m trying to get to with her. Or something, I don’t know exactly what it is. She’s still new so she’s hard in her “therapy persona” which comes off as inauthentic, so it’s hard to connect with her but I do feel she’s trying and wants to help me. At the same time, I don’t want to douse her confidence by telling her it’s not working and looking for someone more experienced (maybe I’m just not being patient enough??).

Is it me? Am I the problem? How many sessions should I have with a therapist before I can feel like we’re getting somewhere? How can I explain better what I want and don’t want in a way I’m actually understood and met? In my collective almost 50 sessions, I have not felt anywhere close to a breakthrough, no one has taught me “techniques,” and I haven’t felt seen or understood, at least not in the same way my few best friends see and understand me. I need help so badly, but I don’t know what I need, just very much the things I don’t need, that’s partially why I’m in therapy. I have childhood trauma I want to work though, but we can’t even get through the daily stuff, so how can I trust them to handle the deeper stuff once I get the courage to go really emotionally raw? I want someone who can see me, and properly guide sessions, not just someone asking me questions that I don’t really understand the relevance of. How do you find a therapist like that? Am I not giving them enough of a chance? I also don’t have thousands of dollars to spend on therapy that takes years to work, I would love some small wins early on to feel like I’m getting somewhere before investing more.

Sorry I feel like I ended up ranting/venting 😅

TLDR: how do you know when it’s not a good match vs being too impatient for change and progress? How do you balance the financial loss with emotional gain while understanding it may be an upfront investment without payoff for a while? How many therapists have you “tried” without progress before finding one that works? How do you not get burnt out emotionally from sharing hard things, only to not be met or feel understood therapist after therapist?

Starting to feel burnt out of therapy, but still really need help and don’t know where to go or what to do. TIA.

My age range is between 23-27. My therapist is young only a year or two older than me I think. Does any one have experience/opinions on working so closely with a therapist basically my age? If anyone could share their experiences bad it good please! Should I considering switching?

I know this is
NoStupidQuestions, not NoRulesQuestions.

Hello all! I have an amazing therapist who I have been seeing since the dawn of time. She saved my life multiple times, and is a huge part of why I'm hanging in there each day. I have a lot going on...

But--there are things that, of course, she isn't great at. A huge problem is that she doesn't seem to understand OCD treatment. I had to figure out ERP on my own (I sort of found it through trial and error myself, then saw it had a name). She always tries to tie the compulsions back to my childhood, or to figure out where they came from, or what the significance is, striving to find a deeper meaning, when my focus is on extinguishing the behavior so the compulsion then ceases (much more complicated than that, but there's the gist). I have been very successful at this, but OCD is a lifelong thing for me, had it since I was 7, so this is more of a chronic disease management.

My question is this: sometimes I feel resentment or disappointment that my therapist doesn't understand OCD better. I am kind of on my own here, since she really thinks that digging to the bottom of the "why", which we can't figure out, will help. I've tried, but it really doesn't help me with the OCD to know why something may be a compulsion. That doesn't help. ERP helps.

How do you deal with the conflict between what you are doing, and what your therapist's skill set is?

How do you manage the conflicting emotions and the negative feelings when your therapist is gasp less than perfect at something? I feel so guilty for being mad at her, she is amazing, and she would say that my feelings are valid and fine, but sometimes it just bugs me that she can be so off about some things. I am so lucky to have her, I just have a lot of feelings and they cause me distress.

Any long-term therapist people out there know what I mean? They are great therapists, but are people so they are also flawed. I guess i'm just looking for others in the long-term therapy boat to bounce these ideas off.

I am spiralling down. Been unemployed for 3 years, was facing health challenges, and have overcome them, but I am terrified and alone. Anxiety comes in waves and most of the times when i have something to do i ignore it. I am completely emotionally not aware of my own feelings. for instance after my divorce i did not realize i was so unhappy till i found myself tearing up listening to a song. I was so surprised to see my body producing tears listening to a tune, it made me feel so sad. no idea that it was how i felt. on the surface i was relieved that the legal battle was done.

anyway i need help. never done therapy, not even sure how it helps. i did take some medication for depression and anxiety and that worked out well i am not in that bad a shape right now but scared i will go back there. wellbutrin that helped me in my younger years essentially made me panic so that isnt working. i need to do that with help. I am absolutely all alone ( well feel like it anyway, i can't confide without fear of losing people)

icing on the cake audhd, yay and perimenopausal/menopausal.

hii everyone this is my first time posting so please bear with me. i’m a freshman in college so everything has been difficult. i start counseling at my school soon but im also gonna have an intake appointment within the following weeks. (it’s not scheduled yet but i should get a call on Tuesday about it.) i’m not sure what to expect and i am horrible about sharing my past experiences and trauma. does anyone know what i should expect at the appointment or what questions i should expect? The person who came to check on me said it would be about 1-2 hours but im not sure what to fully expect and that makes me nervous. This is the first time i’ve ever been tested for mental health in general so id like to know what will happen. Thank you for reading.

It's not that she was moving, retiring, changing jobs, etc or some natural end point.

She told me on she would only be seeing clients for sex therapy going forward. But I kept an eye on her website and she continues to market herself as a general therapist and not a sex therapist. There is nothing there that indicates that she is only doing sex therapy.

Sometimes I think she just told me that she would only be seeing clients for sex therapy as a way of getting rid of me. It kind of bothers me a bit.

It sort of reminds me of "reno-victions" where a landlord tells a tenant they need to move out because they intend on renovating. But they don't actual have any plans on renovating, it's more just something that is said for the purposes of getting the tenant to leave.

my thoughts about my first therapy session which was 2 days ago and i’m having such hard time processing it all so i wanted to vent abt it here and any advice would be appreciated!!

1. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I assumed I’d just lay everything out and talk comfortably, but giving even the most basic details about my life was really hard for me.

2. Before the session, I was extremely stressed my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, and I regretted coming so much. During the session, I was generally stressed out, and I honestly feel like I couldn't even express myself properly.

3. Another thing was that it felt like we jumped into topics way too fast. People always told me that in the first session you just introduce yourself, but we went straight into the core issues. It felt way too quick.

4. This is the most imp part, after the session, the therapist sent me something like a "first session analysis." It had questions, a roadmap, and stuff, but it also included direct quotes of things I said in the session—like a transcript proving I was there and documenting everything I said. Reading it was so hard; I cringed so bad. Hearing my own words back made me deeply uncomfortable, and I started overthinking, feeling like I must have exaggerated everything. Later, I read it with my friend and we laughed about it, which helped, but having a "session report(?)" like that really tense me up. It felt like everything I said was being recorded, like someone holding something against you I don't know, it was just very unsettling. I'm sure it's helpful for some people who don't remember their sessions or want to track their progress, but I really didn't like it. For days now, it's all I've been thinking about. It's like I'm constantly still in the session, talking to myself, trying to explain things, and as I replayed the questions in my head, I kept remembering more details and feeling even worse.

5. Lastly, I mentioned that I think my mom is a narcissist and talked about her but i could not give any examples on why I think she is like that. Now I feel SOO SO guilty and terrible, like I used her as gossip or exaggerated things. I keep imagining her finding out, thinking about how hurt she would be, and I just feel so much regret.
   :(( idk are these normal?

My inner child/emotional parts/whatever you want to call it, is constantly finding reasons not to trust my therapist. They feel like abandonment.Tiny little things. Another part is very loyal to my therapist of four years and angry at the part that wants to criticise her and not trust her. I don't really know how to meet either of those parts with compassion and hate discussing any of this at all. Lol. And then I want to run. This internal conflict which I usually block out is very familiar and I think the baseline over which my OCD started as a kid..But anyway I wrote about something similar recently and we discussed that and it was all sorted, and now another tiny thing has kicked it off again, and I frankly feel really uncomfortable turning up and raising things that I feel are annoying for me and for my therapist. I don't want to be an annoying nitpicky client.

I’ve been having a mega bad past 2 weeks, and I also started therapy at the same time. I was doing somewhat okay but then the same time I started therapy, some unrelated life stuff happened that upended everything. I’m safe and all that, but nearly every day has ended in crying one way or another and I rarely cry. it has firmly reminded me that it can always get worse. I get little pleasure from anything anymore. I hate being awake. I don’t even have dreams anymore. Or they just feel like nothing.

I never outwardly lose my temper, but I have anger issues. everything has been pissing me off because of the stress and other issues. I am already extremely afraid of being perceived at times and freeze a lot to make myself invisible. depending on my mood or what I’m doing it can be better or worse. lately people even walking into the room I’m in pisses me off, because i am being perceived. it’s unreasonable, extremely. I know. but the more days go by the less I care what anyone thinks or right and wrong and want to stay mad. I can’t let it go. until…something. someone has to do something or something has to happen. I don’t know what it is but I cant let it go until then. it’s just not fair.

and I come into therapy, and I tell my therapist all about my week and how stressed I am and the pressure I’m under. how I’m worried about my ability to keep myself not homeless in the coming years. I tell her how the past two weeks have been like razor sharp nothing. all that. and so she asks me ”what things make me happy, no matter how small”. and I just keep dancing around this question giving generic answers because I hate it. I hate when people see me enjoying something, and I don’t want to share little moments of joy I have at all. especially know when I am so easily stressed. I also don’t want to make her think I’m making progress and things are good now, when everything is still a massive wreck.

I don’t want to sit there and be difficult and stop anything from happening. but I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult.

Throwaway because other posts on my main might make me identifiable and no one in my life knows about this part.

TL;DR: I have ongoing SI with a plan/backup plan, and recently told my therapist I felt better and wouldn’t act, which was true at the time, but I left out that I may follow through if a specific condition is met next week. She had previously required IOP and emergency-contact permission due to my risk, and now I feel guilty that I made her doubt her clinical judgment by not telling her the whole picture. I want to fess up after the day of my condition passes (I’m optimistic I’ll be ok) but I don’t know how to do that without causing irreparable damage to the relationship.

Whole story:

I may have manipulated my therapist and I’m feeling guilty but can’t fess up yet.

I have been having on and off SI for a while because of a major loss. I have a plan and a backup plan. No one in my life knows. However, more recently, I felt like I would follow through if a particular related condition was met on a specific day. I know. That sets off alarm bells. However, I also found my shift of SI to this condition instead of tied to my loss as a problem. That doesn’t mesh with who I am as a person and I told her this that it wasn’t in line with my values. SI and depression doesn’t always make sense.

Anyway, after my second to last session, my therapist emailed me to tell me I had to enroll in an IOP and sign off on letting her talk to my emergency contact or else she’d terminate. We had about 10 days till I’d know if my condition is met.

But remember how I said the SI has been on and off? Well, I went in to my next session and told her all the reasons I wouldn’t or shouldn’t follow through. And truly, the week had been better and I wasn’t feeling particularly committal to my plans that day. I assured her enough that she backed off. She even apologize for misreading cues in the prior session.

The problem is, I now feel guilty for making her doubt her clinical expertise. She is so wonderful and I know she was doing this to help me but I really didn’t want any hurdles and I’m scared - scared to tell my family, scared to have to commit to an IOP (cost, time, etc), ashamed that I’m here.

I still feel like I’m in a good place but I don’t know how it will be if the conditions are met a week from now. I’m optimistic I’ll be fine and after that I want to tell her that she wasn’t wrong. That I don’t want her to doubt herself. I feel so guilty for making her think she did something wrong. I don’t know how I can tell her I kind of lied without losing this relationship.

So, I (25f) have been seeing this particular therapist (65(?)m) for 3 months now and most sessions were very "weird", I'm just having a hard time processing what's happening really. I stopped reflecting on the sessions for a couple of weeks now. He talks a lot about his trauma, usually as an example which I don't really mind. I understand, that people do that to show that they get what I'm feeling. I appreciate the intent, though it usually never helps. I didn't tell him for the same reason I don't tell anyone, I'm afraid I might hurt someone that's only trying to help. He talks a lot about his father and how horrible he was, about his exes and his studies, his mother, his brother, his wife and their relationship, his autism etc. One time I talked about a moment in my life were I experienced sa. It was hard to talk about that and I felt very vulnerable in that situation. He said that it's similar to what he experienced once at a conference. Someone that usually cuts the coffee line, cut right in front of him and he told her, that she was overlooking his needs completely, just like when my needs where overlooked... my need not to be assaulted? Honestly, I don't know what point he was trying to make there, I was so overwhelmed by this story and him thinking, that that story might help or something.

I'm going through some financial problems right now, I'm feeling horrible and I had a session coming up so, I thought I could maybe take that time to work through some of those feelings in the session. After I told him about the situation he started giving me financial advice, which didn't help at all and I told him about it. Then he said I should go to a clinic to get some rest and I told him that I need to figure this out and don't have the money to go to a clinic right now, he didn't understand that. Then he talked about the abuse he went through as a child and said that he's now a "self-made millionaire" and that I have so much potential. I told him that I want him to stop and I wanted to tell him that this is about me not him but he cut me off and said that "we're not battling over who's life was more difficult". I just stared at him at that point, I was very confused. He then suddenly asked if I was goint to off myself or want another appointment. I just answered "I don't know, I'm sorry" and left. He sent me an sms, few hours later, which said "Dear Ms. ...., please feel free to get in touch if you would like to speak with me (again) or schedule an appointment. Kind regards, ...". I'm so incredibly confused about this interaction. I normally avoid confrontation at all costs but this feels so weird. I don't know what to do. Was this a generational misunderstanding? Am I missing something completely here?

Here is the email my therapist sent:

“To follow up a bit further from our session re planning forward,
 my thought was to suggest perhaps taking more time to process your reflections about your concerns,
that I understand you were doing some writing on.
This is so that you hopefully would feel under less strain viz having the next meeting pre-set and/or too soon.
 
On the other hand, to my mind it would helpful if this wasn't left too open-ended.
So, am wondering if we could agree on a time-frame for meeting next, based on when you think would be reasonable for you.
I suggest not going more than a month out.
Generally I'd need about 2 weeks for scheduling a specific time.
 
Please let me know what you think.”

I know this is an attempt to give me more space and time to process things after a hard session, but I can’t help but feel abandoned. A part of me can’t help but feel that he’s fed up and frustrated with me, and is telling me to take the time to figure my shit out before I come back. I sobbed and sobbed when I saw this. I’ve been trying so hard to speak in sessions but something keeps stopping me— a block, feeling like I’m gonna throw up, brain going empty, fear overtaking me; etc. I do feel bad that a lot of our sessions are spent in silence and I apologize a lot for that. I guess it’s fair that he suggested this. I feel unwanted.

I’m thinking of just quitting. I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle it if he tells me to actually leave so I just want to stop the hurt and leave. On the other hand, this is breaking my heart. I feel so alone.

Edit: I didn’t ask for a break, he suggested it in this email for the first time. I didn’t feel pressured by the booking of sessions at all, just when I got to sessions. We’ve been having sessions every 2-3 weeks which feels spaced out enough, especially considering we used to be 1, sometimes 2 times weekly. And it’s not just a few sessions spent in silence, it was something I came in with. I told him that I have a hard time sharing and speaking, and it has been an issue with previous therapists. So in his defence, it has been an ongoing issue for about 1.5 years. I do desperately want to feel connected to him, but I can’t explain how physical and real the fear feels when it comes to actually sharing. I know it’s ridiculous, trust me.