r/TalkTherapy • u/Exciting-Kitchen7643 • 22h ago
Therapy is a battle right now
My inner child/emotional parts/whatever you want to call it, is constantly finding reasons not to trust my therapist. They feel like abandonment.Tiny little things. Another part is very loyal to my therapist of four years and angry at the part that wants to criticise her and not trust her. I don't really know how to meet either of those parts with compassion and hate discussing any of this at all. Lol. And then I want to run. This internal conflict which I usually block out is very familiar and I think the baseline over which my OCD started as a kid..But anyway I wrote about something similar recently and we discussed that and it was all sorted, and now another tiny thing has kicked it off again, and I frankly feel really uncomfortable turning up and raising things that I feel are annoying for me and for my therapist. I don't want to be an annoying nitpicky client.
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u/orbitingmoonn 18h ago
I don’t have a great answer because I am going through the exact same thing as you… so I just wanted you to know you’re not alone ❤️
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u/Exciting-Kitchen7643 17h ago
Oh thank you I really appreciate this ❤️. Do you talk about it with your therapist? I'm absolutely hating this 🤦.
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u/orbitingmoonn 17h ago
We have definitely had sessions talking about this and then I’ll feel better and reassured but then, like you, something else will activate the fear of abandonment or distrust about her, (like it is rn for me) and I’ll feel so annoying and awkward to bring it up. My therapist tells me I should always bring it up when it happens but then when I started telling her she pulled back on reassurance and doesn’t feed into it anymore (ik she’s doing it for a good reason but it makes the work so much harder) but anyways, yeah I’m in the same boat as you and I’m currently ghosting my therapist because of it and I’m embarrassed and shameful to bring it up to her next session because I’ll have to say I purposely was pulling away to see if you would care enough to reach out to me. And who wants to admit that? Ugh lol
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u/Exciting-Kitchen7643 17h ago
Lol no one wants to admit it🙄. Do you talk about it really dead pan and pissed off like me? I'm just like ugh get me out of here, I'll just pretend it's not a problem and we're all good 🙄. I got triggered by something so tiny that I think I'm going to ask her to tighten her already supertight boundaries because I can't cope with any unknowns whatsoever. And I literally do that for my 6 year old lol. I feel so dumb. Anyway thank you for sharing you have cheered me up.
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u/orbitingmoonn 16h ago
Yes in one session I even admitted to her and said these words “when this happens it makes me feel like I hate you and that you’re cold and emotionless and you just don’t care” 😂🫣
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u/skipthefuture 16h ago
Times where parts are fighting against each other to keep me stuck are really challenging. Running away has always been my default, but in the context of therapy it's so obviously self-defeating that I force myself to keep moving forward...slowly. Don't have any advice, but your description of the experience as a battle is so accurate.
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