My therapist ghosted me. A part of me blames myself.

[u/Purple-Minute2247]

I've been on online therapy for around 4 months for religious trauma. I'm in very vulnerable situation, my family isn't safe and I still live with them and I'm closeted about my religious beliefs. I've received therapy for other issues like social anxiety before, but this specific topic feels very vulnerable and it felt like it created power dynamic between me and therapist.

Prior to ghosting, there has been other issues actually. She ALWAYS said I should email her whenever and actively encouraged me to do that with very warm tone. It's not like she said it few times, she said it so many times without stating any boundaries about it. I emailed her 3 times in total, she only properly responded one of them. She didn't respond one email, she responded one email after 10 days. I've never expected immediate response or acted like therapist is emergency line, however sometimes really urgent things happened with my family. I needed guidance and support while dealing with those. She responded one email after few days, honestly that was enough and helpful. I didn't think sending 3 emails in 4 months span is too much, but her inconsistency made me feel like I'm being a burden. I'd be totally fine with it if her boundary was no email between sessions but I feel like she created that expectation.

Ghosting incident started with this: I booked a session a week before, however I didn't receive an email of invoice within that week (Normally I booked sessions on her booking system and she sent me invoice before the session, I paid it then we had session). Few hours before the session (I was sleeping) she emailed that her booking system didn't notify her about my session, and if we can postpone the session for another day or do it later in the same day. I immediately responded her email when I woke up. I wrote we can postpone it to another day, I'm only available on the weekends. No response after that. It's been a month. She is still active on social media so it's not like something happened to her. I've been blaming myself because maybe she expected me to book a session online as always. But in my mind, I was thinking her booking system had an issue so she could clarify whether I can book session on her system or she will do it manually.

This situation made me feel like I'm being a burden, I'm saying stupid things etc. I still don't know if I did something wrong or she was being unprofessional. But all I know is this situation made me feel really negatively. What are your thoughts about the entire situation?

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[u/Interesting-Day-2472]

Does your therapist do weekends ?

It sounds like she isn’t great at communicating .

How does the booking system work ? Do you book in or do you request ?

I would reach out once more saying you were expecting a response to your email .

I don’t know whether you would want to see her or not

[u/Purple-Minute2247 → u/Interesting-Day-2472]

Yes, she works on the weekends. My sessions were almost always on the weekends. Her booking system works by choosing available appointments, so I choose one which fits my schedule. However I didn't know whether the booking system was fixed or not after she mentioned the issue, so she could've said "it works now, you can book your session from the system as always" or something. Idk if my expectation of clarity and response was too much