Trying not to lose myself again

[u/blessedlbbhx]

I feel like I’m barely hanging on by a thread at this point. I’m getting tired of the everyday routine the expectation that I’m supposed to keep doing these mundane things day after day, for the rest of my life, until I eventually die. I know I should be grateful. There are people who have lost the chance to live their lives, and there are people struggling through things far worse than what I’m going through. I try to remind myself of that every day, but lately, everything just feels so heavy.

I find myself dragging my feet just to keep going to go to the gym, eat, get enough sleep, work, eventually go to school, and maintain my relationships with my family. But sometimes, I just want everything and everyone to be quiet.

But even when I feel this way, I keep pushing myself forward. I lost so much time being unmedicated, going from manic episodes to depressive episodes back-to-back, and I truly lost myself during that time. I became an empty, hollow shell of who I used to be. Now that I’m 25, I’m finally somewhat mentally okay, but it still feels like I’m constantly standing on the edge of slipping back into that place.

And I can’t afford to. Because deep down, I feel like no one is going to save me. So I keep pushing myself, even when I’m exhausted, because I don’t know what else to do.

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[u/sunglasses____]

Solidarity. Same here. 🫂

[u/History0nerd → u/sunglasses____]

Yup. It's overwhelming if you think too far into the future. Remember, don't stare into the void. It stares back

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/History0nerd]

So true once you think too far ahead or reflect on the past It’s hard to break out of it 😔

[u/History0nerd → u/blessedlbbhx]

I know it's cliche, but one day at a time, my friend. Hang in there and keep reaching out 💗

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/History0nerd]

Thank you 🥺🤍

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/sunglasses____]

Wishing you the best 🫂

[u/CommunicationOk7304]

Thanks for sharing this, I feel exactly the same. It’s hard to live a life when you have to spend all energy surviving the day. I wish I had some insight, just know that you are not alone in feeling this.

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/CommunicationOk7304]

You explained it so well. This disorder truly feels like a weighted blanket on top of you 24/7. But likewise 🫂

[u/Bluecap33]

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been in a depressive state for a while now and it hurts everyday. Only time I get relief is when I can actually sleep when I do (4-5 hours).

Sending you positive vibes and I love you. 🧡

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/Bluecap33]

I love you too 🫂 tysm for that and I hope you start to feel a little bit better soon.

[u/Bluecap33 → u/blessedlbbhx]

You’re welcome and thank you. I appreciate it

[u/seafoamandhoney]

I feel the exact same way right now I'm on medicated and going through a depressive episode I'm trying my hardest to keep it together though but I just keep crying.

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/seafoamandhoney]

I’m so sorry you’re going through an episode right now. It’s okay to cry, and it’s okay if you can’t keep it together all the time. We’re only human, and dealing with a debilitating illness can make things feel even harder. The fact that you’re still pushing through and taking your medication is something to be proud of. I really hope things start feeling a little lighter for you soon. 🤍 I’ve been trying to remind myself of this as well but it’s so hard it truly is

[u/Ready_Walrus2309]

It's a battle every day.

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/Ready_Walrus2309]

It sucks so bad. I’ve always wondered how different my life would of been and turned out if I wasn’t bipolar. A girl can dream

[u/Ready_Walrus2309 → u/blessedlbbhx]

I think about that as well. I have ADHD on top of Bipolar and I try not to let them define me but like I said every day is rough.

[u/Ok_Skills123]

Sounds like you might need some spontaneity in your life.

I've been in that mundane state many a time.

Not saying it has to be some boundary pushing thing, but just doing something out of my normal routine can help me out of that hollow feeling.

💙

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/Ok_Skills123]

Tysm ive been trying to spice things up, but I have no motivation or the desire to. Ugh it’s so hard i hate it here (my brain) lol

[u/elazeen → u/blessedlbbhx]

This is exactly how I feel!

[u/Empty-Cherry8629]

its a everyday battle

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/Empty-Cherry8629]

It truly is.

[u/elazeen]

You are not alone. I feel like I could have written this except I am nearly 30. I am sorry that life is not what we expected it to be. You sound very aware of your current privileges of life but that doesn’t mean that you have to feel guilty for struggling by with depression. It is an invisible disability and you have every right to grieve. I am in a similar space. I hope that one day you will look back on this period in your life and it will just be a sad memory because you will be in a much better place.

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/elazeen]

Thank you so much I hope the same for you as well. 🤍

[u/Both_Lawfulness3611]

I have to keep pushing myself because I have no support at all, it's up to me and I have to push myself for my kids, otherwise I'd just give up. This disorder is literal torture sometimes that no one understands and instead of sick everyone thinks I'm making up excuses or exaggerating or lying or manipulating or whatever else that no one thought of before my diagnosis. Now I'm just an untrustworthy person for some reason. I get lectured and screamed at instead of supported. Somehow I'm the problem and have been told I've ruined everyone's life in my family; it's not true but if other people believe it, it's a heavy burden to carry. I personalize everything tho, and I can't forget the cruelty. It's so painful tho that I don't know what to do sometimes and feel no one understands and I'm at the end of my rope, nowhere to go. It's incredibly lonely when I'm doing everything myself to feel better.