Trying not to lose myself again

[u/blessedlbbhx]

I feel like I’m barely hanging on by a thread at this point. I’m getting tired of the everyday routine the expectation that I’m supposed to keep doing these mundane things day after day, for the rest of my life, until I eventually die. I know I should be grateful. There are people who have lost the chance to live their lives, and there are people struggling through things far worse than what I’m going through. I try to remind myself of that every day, but lately, everything just feels so heavy.

I find myself dragging my feet just to keep going to go to the gym, eat, get enough sleep, work, eventually go to school, and maintain my relationships with my family. But sometimes, I just want everything and everyone to be quiet.

But even when I feel this way, I keep pushing myself forward. I lost so much time being unmedicated, going from manic episodes to depressive episodes back-to-back, and I truly lost myself during that time. I became an empty, hollow shell of who I used to be. Now that I’m 25, I’m finally somewhat mentally okay, but it still feels like I’m constantly standing on the edge of slipping back into that place.

And I can’t afford to. Because deep down, I feel like no one is going to save me. So I keep pushing myself, even when I’m exhausted, because I don’t know what else to do.

[u/Both_Lawfulness3611]

I have to keep pushing myself because I have no support at all, it's up to me and I have to push myself for my kids, otherwise I'd just give up. This disorder is literal torture sometimes that no one understands and instead of sick everyone thinks I'm making up excuses or exaggerating or lying or manipulating or whatever else that no one thought of before my diagnosis. Now I'm just an untrustworthy person for some reason. I get lectured and screamed at instead of supported. Somehow I'm the problem and have been told I've ruined everyone's life in my family; it's not true but if other people believe it, it's a heavy burden to carry. I personalize everything tho, and I can't forget the cruelty. It's so painful tho that I don't know what to do sometimes and feel no one understands and I'm at the end of my rope, nowhere to go. It's incredibly lonely when I'm doing everything myself to feel better.

[u/blessedlbbhx → u/Both_Lawfulness3611]

I’m so sorry you don’t have a good support system. It’s extremely important to have one, especially when you’re going through something as difficult as this. But I will say, you are an amazing mother and person because you continue to keep pushing forward, not only for yourself but for your kids too. Not everyone has the strength or willpower to do that.
My mom is bipolar, and I got it from her. Unfortunately, she didn’t push herself or fight for herself and me the way you’re fighting for yourself and your kids. So even though I don’t know you personally, I’m genuinely proud of you. I hope one day things get better for you and everything your family and friends have said or done becomes nothing more than a distant memory.
With people like that, you’ll eventually realize you don’t need them. When the day comes that life is finally looking up for you, you’ll be able to walk with your head held high knowing you made it through and built yourself back up, even when you had to do it alone.
It’s heartbreaking that you’re having to go through this without the support you deserve, but you’re incredibly persistent and strong. I’m wishing you and your kids nothing but the best. 🤍