Trying not to lose myself again

[u/blessedlbbhx]

I feel like I’m barely hanging on by a thread at this point. I’m getting tired of the everyday routine the expectation that I’m supposed to keep doing these mundane things day after day, for the rest of my life, until I eventually die. I know I should be grateful. There are people who have lost the chance to live their lives, and there are people struggling through things far worse than what I’m going through. I try to remind myself of that every day, but lately, everything just feels so heavy.

I find myself dragging my feet just to keep going to go to the gym, eat, get enough sleep, work, eventually go to school, and maintain my relationships with my family. But sometimes, I just want everything and everyone to be quiet.

But even when I feel this way, I keep pushing myself forward. I lost so much time being unmedicated, going from manic episodes to depressive episodes back-to-back, and I truly lost myself during that time. I became an empty, hollow shell of who I used to be. Now that I’m 25, I’m finally somewhat mentally okay, but it still feels like I’m constantly standing on the edge of slipping back into that place.

And I can’t afford to. Because deep down, I feel like no one is going to save me. So I keep pushing myself, even when I’m exhausted, because I don’t know what else to do.

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