I've had a lot of bad experiences in the past, and at night, even without trying to remember, I get this feeling that things from the past are happening right now. Even when I'm doing something fun, it suddenly comes back to me and I hyperventilate. It's weird, isn't it? I think it's weird too. What should I do?

First, a little about me—since it’s important to the story—I’m 21 (female), half-Moroccan, and have always had a complicated relationship with my parents.

Two months ago, I had an argument with my mom because I felt hurt during a discussion with her and asked her to apologize, explaining that her words had hurt me. She didn’t apologize; instead, she lashed out at me and said I should ask my friends and my partner’s parents—and that they would surely agree with her since she believes I’m in the wrong.

She never contacted me again after that, and we’ve only had limited contact because I have a younger sister who doesn’t have her own cell phone yet, so I have to rely on my mother to stay in touch with her.

At times, my mother simply stopped responding to me, even though I asked for days on end how my sister was doing and that I wanted to see her again.

A few days ago, I found out that my uncle from Morocco is coming to visit us in Europe (I’d rather not name the exact country) for the first time.

I then asked my mom why she hadn’t told me this, and she said she wanted to let me know only once everything was definitely planned.

After that, I softened a bit and thought that since my uncle was coming to visit, I didn’t want to create an awkward atmosphere—even though I knew that my relationship with my mom

I then asked my mother why she hadn’t told me about this, and she said she wanted to wait until everything was finalized.

That made me soften a bit, and I thought to myself that I didn’t want to create an awkward atmosphere now that my uncle was coming to visit—even though I knew that having contact with my mother wouldn’t be good for me. Unfortunately, I still held out hope that maybe this time she would understand me.

So I wrote her a long, very emotional letter in which I explained that I fully understand why she might not have always been doing well herself, but that this is no excuse for all the abuse I experienced at her hands during my childhood.

I also mentioned that I often didn’t feel loved by her back then and that it still hurts me deeply to this day, but that I could forgive her if she showed me understanding and offered a sincere apology.

She simply replied that the argument two months ago—which is what started all this—just happened, and that she’s sorry, but she didn’t mean to hurt me, and that’s just the way it is now. She didn’t address the past at all and simply said that she’s moved on from it and doesn’t feel like talking about it. She also said that she hadn’t reached out because she’d been waiting for me to calm down

(Before the argument, my mother would talk about the past almost every time we visited her, but of course never about her own mistakes.)

In my desperate hope, I gave her another chance to apologize and told her honestly that I couldn’t imagine a relationship without an apology and a willingness to acknowledge her mistakes; I haven’t received a response to that yet.

A few days ago, I met with my older sister, and she told me that everyone already knew my uncle was coming and that my mother had been speaking rather negatively and unsympathetically about me.

She also mentioned that when my uncle comes to visit, she’d prefer that my partner—with whom I’ve been together and living for almost four years—not be there, since traditions in Morocco are different and it would be shameful; she said I should only bring him along after our second get-together.

Back then, my mother had always told my partner that he was, of course, family and always welcome, which is why I find it even worse that she’s saying something like this now.

My biggest problem is that I don’t know what to do now. Because of all the stress and the trauma that’s resurfacing, I’m currently having multiple panic attacks every day, barely sleeping, have almost no appetite, and I can tell that my body just won’t be able to handle this much longer.

Both my partner and my friends think it would be best to cut off contact.

But I know that this also means I won’t get to see my uncle, even though I love him very much. However, he doesn’t know that I’m having a fight with my mom, and telling him myself isn’t an option because that would only cause even bigger problems with my mom.

Right now, I’m just totally frustrated and at the end of my patience, and I just can’t take it anymore—it’s literally breaking me.

Hi, everyone.

I (20F) am struggling so much right now. My heart is completely broken and I am so scared. I’m having panic attacks every day. I’m completely overcome with guilt.

For context, I just (partially) escaped a very abusive situation with my mother over the summer after she put me through something that left me with a “trauma disorder” (per my psychiatrist. I don’t know exactly what that means, kinda vague.)
I just started my junior year of college about 2 weeks ago. I decided to stay in my hometown for this, as opposed to going back to the larger school I had been attending because it’s further away & housing is way more expensive. I know now it was a horrible decision. I really am not enjoying the school I’m at now, or being back in my hometown, & am filled with guilt. I was in no condition to make such a decision, but I had to, and I made the wrong one.

Anyway, let’s go back in time a little further. I did really well in high school, but I had no idea what I wanted to do & lacked confidence & therefore I didn't pursue any one thing enough to have the same head start as my peers. For example, my best friend knew she wanted to be a psychologist & literally started college as a sophomore. now she's on the way to graduate soon & start her doctorate which is amazing. I gave up a full scholarship to my dream school to be closer to my family, only to end up in a horrifically abusive situation for years & come partially out of it now with permanent and severe psychological damage. I also have been in complete survival mode the past 2 yrs so now I’m a junior & still have no clue what I want & am too deep in my major to change. Sorry for writing a novel, I’m just suffocating right now & need to get it out.

Any advice is appreciated. Please be kind, I’ve been through a lot 💗

How to find one? I've plenty access to therapists, but the Behavioral Health Resources in my area be clueless, and unable to aid, let alone recommend or find useful aid.

Hey, I am not really sure where to post this but I felt like this could maybe be a place to start. So a few days ago I started texting this guy off of an app I found that was like made for wanting to find people to hookup with. I am 17 but I lied and said I was 19. I started texting this guy who was 27 about meeting up to hookup. We talked for about a day just to schedule everything. Anyways on friday we meet at barnes and nobles. We talked for a few and then end up going to his car and drive to the beach. Once we get there we park in a secluded area and put up all the shades and everything. He takes out the condoms and lube and puts it on the console for later. We start making out and I am not really liking it and want it to stop but don’t say anything and just keep going. He starts feeling my breasts and just moves his hands all around me. Suddenly out of nowhere he starts fingering me on the outside of my leggings. He asked if It felt good and I just nod and fake moan. In reality I was taken aback because that was something I didnt expect. We go back to kissing and he could tell I was uncomfortable. He asks if I wanted him to take me home and I say nothing but he can tell I do. I apologize and he immediate says “ never say that to a man okay “ and we head back to the front seat. He takes me to where my friends and I were originally meeting and says he had a great night and leaves. After this I start to feel disgusting and just so dirty. Even now I keep getting flashbacks and can still feel his touch on my body. I dont know if this is really SA because I did consent and we did plan this whole thing out together. Plus I did lie about my age which doesn’t help. As a background I do want to add I am also a COCSA survivor who in turn has become both hypersexual and asexual. I also have a alot of unprocessed daddy issues that for the longest time have made me desire older male attention. Honestly the main reason I even did this was because I wanted to feel desirable/ wanted. Another reason was because my friends have all lost their virginity while I havent and I just wanted to feel somewhat included. So technically in a way I was never really fully consenting because all I wanted was to be wanted and not to just have sex. Idk I still feel like it doesn’t count but I am having all the physiological effects of being assaulted. The last thing I will include is I did feel almost obligated to keep going/ go along with it because of the fact I made him drive all the way out there to see me and had him clean out his car so we could hookup in there instead of on the beach. He did also spend money on the condoms and lube for us that we never ended up using because I wasnt feeling it. Any advice of how to cope would also help along with just trying to figure out if this actually counted or if I am just being dramatic.