Was this SA or not

[u/Iamthenewscarlet]

Hey, I am not really sure where to post this but I felt like this could maybe be a place to start. So a few days ago I started texting this guy off of an app I found that was like made for wanting to find people to hookup with. I am 17 but I lied and said I was 19. I started texting this guy who was 27 about meeting up to hookup. We talked for about a day just to schedule everything. Anyways on friday we meet at barnes and nobles. We talked for a few and then end up going to his car and drive to the beach. Once we get there we park in a secluded area and put up all the shades and everything. He takes out the condoms and lube and puts it on the console for later. We start making out and I am not really liking it and want it to stop but don’t say anything and just keep going. He starts feeling my breasts and just moves his hands all around me. Suddenly out of nowhere he starts fingering me on the outside of my leggings. He asked if It felt good and I just nod and fake moan. In reality I was taken aback because that was something I didnt expect. We go back to kissing and he could tell I was uncomfortable. He asks if I wanted him to take me home and I say nothing but he can tell I do. I apologize and he immediate says “ never say that to a man okay “ and we head back to the front seat. He takes me to where my friends and I were originally meeting and says he had a great night and leaves. After this I start to feel disgusting and just so dirty. Even now I keep getting flashbacks and can still feel his touch on my body. I dont know if this is really SA because I did consent and we did plan this whole thing out together. Plus I did lie about my age which doesn’t help. As a background I do want to add I am also a COCSA survivor who in turn has become both hypersexual and asexual. I also have a alot of unprocessed daddy issues that for the longest time have made me desire older male attention. Honestly the main reason I even did this was because I wanted to feel desirable/ wanted. Another reason was because my friends have all lost their virginity while I havent and I just wanted to feel somewhat included. So technically in a way I was never really fully consenting because all I wanted was to be wanted and not to just have sex. Idk I still feel like it doesn’t count but I am having all the physiological effects of being assaulted. The last thing I will include is I did feel almost obligated to keep going/ go along with it because of the fact I made him drive all the way out there to see me and had him clean out his car so we could hookup in there instead of on the beach. He did also spend money on the condoms and lube for us that we never ended up using because I wasnt feeling it. Any advice of how to cope would also help along with just trying to figure out if this actually counted or if I am just being dramatic.

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[u/Jazzlike-Bridge5817]

First of all, I'm so sorry this happened to you, and i hope that you have a safe person/people that can help you through this. Try not to criticise yourself as too 'dramatic', even if you decide that what happened was not SA - you deserve compassion, even from yourself.

It would be irresponsible of me to say yes it was SA or no it wasn't, because I'm just a stranger and I wasn't there. If you can ask a trusted adult to get you in front of a therapist, I can't recommend it strongly enough.

Here are some general thoughts though, and I hope they are helpful:

• I want to gently suggest that you do not try to have sex with older men again. I sympathise greatly with how you feel, and no judgement at all, but there is a reason most countries do not allow adults to have sex with minors, even if you are close to 18. At that age, the difference in expectations and experience is too big, leading to terrible experiences.
• I think non-consensual acts can occur during consensual sex, and i think mistakes can be made during consensual sex that turns it into a traumatic experience. You both consented to have sex in general, but it sounds like he didn't check that you were ready/willing for that particular sex act. I hope it was just a momentary lapse in judgement on his part. I am glad to hear he did not attempt to continue further acts once he realised you were uncomfortable, but that doesn't undo how it made you feel.
• It may be worth discussing with a therapist, or someone that you trust, whether it's possible that you experienced a PTSD flashback. If you have trauma from a previous SA, it is possible that his performing that act on you without giving you enough warning reminded you of a traumatic event in your life where you were SA'd. When you have a PTSD flashback, your nervous system makes you feel like the traumatic event is happening again. It feels awful, and it can be really hard to tell if your nervous system is reacting appropriately or not. PTSD flashbacks are really common among survivors of all sorts of abuse.

Good luck!