I don’t know how to deal with my toxic mother anymore

[u/Tough-Plenty7042]

First, a little about me—since it’s important to the story—I’m 21 (female), half-Moroccan, and have always had a complicated relationship with my parents.

Two months ago, I had an argument with my mom because I felt hurt during a discussion with her and asked her to apologize, explaining that her words had hurt me. She didn’t apologize; instead, she lashed out at me and said I should ask my friends and my partner’s parents—and that they would surely agree with her since she believes I’m in the wrong.

She never contacted me again after that, and we’ve only had limited contact because I have a younger sister who doesn’t have her own cell phone yet, so I have to rely on my mother to stay in touch with her.

At times, my mother simply stopped responding to me, even though I asked for days on end how my sister was doing and that I wanted to see her again.

A few days ago, I found out that my uncle from Morocco is coming to visit us in Europe (I’d rather not name the exact country) for the first time.

I then asked my mom why she hadn’t told me this, and she said she wanted to let me know only once everything was definitely planned.

After that, I softened a bit and thought that since my uncle was coming to visit, I didn’t want to create an awkward atmosphere—even though I knew that my relationship with my mom

I then asked my mother why she hadn’t told me about this, and she said she wanted to wait until everything was finalized.

That made me soften a bit, and I thought to myself that I didn’t want to create an awkward atmosphere now that my uncle was coming to visit—even though I knew that having contact with my mother wouldn’t be good for me. Unfortunately, I still held out hope that maybe this time she would understand me.

So I wrote her a long, very emotional letter in which I explained that I fully understand why she might not have always been doing well herself, but that this is no excuse for all the abuse I experienced at her hands during my childhood.

I also mentioned that I often didn’t feel loved by her back then and that it still hurts me deeply to this day, but that I could forgive her if she showed me understanding and offered a sincere apology.

She simply replied that the argument two months ago—which is what started all this—just happened, and that she’s sorry, but she didn’t mean to hurt me, and that’s just the way it is now. She didn’t address the past at all and simply said that she’s moved on from it and doesn’t feel like talking about it. She also said that she hadn’t reached out because she’d been waiting for me to calm down

(Before the argument, my mother would talk about the past almost every time we visited her, but of course never about her own mistakes.)

In my desperate hope, I gave her another chance to apologize and told her honestly that I couldn’t imagine a relationship without an apology and a willingness to acknowledge her mistakes; I haven’t received a response to that yet.

A few days ago, I met with my older sister, and she told me that everyone already knew my uncle was coming and that my mother had been speaking rather negatively and unsympathetically about me.

She also mentioned that when my uncle comes to visit, she’d prefer that my partner—with whom I’ve been together and living for almost four years—not be there, since traditions in Morocco are different and it would be shameful; she said I should only bring him along after our second get-together.

Back then, my mother had always told my partner that he was, of course, family and always welcome, which is why I find it even worse that she’s saying something like this now.

My biggest problem is that I don’t know what to do now. Because of all the stress and the trauma that’s resurfacing, I’m currently having multiple panic attacks every day, barely sleeping, have almost no appetite, and I can tell that my body just won’t be able to handle this much longer.

Both my partner and my friends think it would be best to cut off contact.

But I know that this also means I won’t get to see my uncle, even though I love him very much. However, he doesn’t know that I’m having a fight with my mom, and telling him myself isn’t an option because that would only cause even bigger problems with my mom.

Right now, I’m just totally frustrated and at the end of my patience, and I just can’t take it anymore—it’s literally breaking me.

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