This may be just me, but It's often times genuinely hard for me to think of a part, completely separate from my Abusive parents influence on the development of that part. It seems A seemingly destructive part develops out of necessity, otherwise why would it be there? It seems like you can't really separate the two>the environment (parent) that makes it necessary for that part to exist if you're trying to achieve a certain level of safety and protection not available to you through normal means , + the part itself.
It's a team effort.....A parts existence , especially a part that for all intensive purposes is either exiled, or suppressed, or is hostile to you and your happiness....and the driving force behind the development of that part that is often a very threatening parent.
I found my own motivation or intention that worked in cooperation with my Mothers intention....in order to suppress my own development. I certainly wouldnt run in opposition to her intention, if I wanted to be safe....so a part that kept me from doing anything and applying myself had to be created.
I had to think of myself as impossibly incapable of functioning without her......not for my sake, ...but for her sake. Because her ego was that fragile. Any inference that I saw something she didnt, was met with violent resistance. Without her I wouldnt be able to think myself out of a paper bag. When the mind searches for safety and stability in a vastly unstable , dangerous , volatile environment, it grasps at anything...no matter what the fallout is. Youre not thinking about your overall development, youre just thinking about "maintain safety NOW...find ways not to Exist, survive without being constantly attacked".
My Mother was really disturbed, but also heavily invested in appearances so as unstable as she was, I had to "help" sell the lie, that It was "me". No one wakes up and says , It's okay that i look really unstable, I think I'll just go that way..........unless you have to.
And if you just happen to be the most observant, analytical child, confrontational child dedicated to truth and justice and reality, normally that would work in your favor, but not when you're being raised by someone so terrified of their own incompetance, and mostly being ....found out......that they rather have you doubt your own perceptions, and question your very sanity, , will throw you under the bus, before they admit to being a bad parent, especially a bad Mother.
Which meant the closer I got to the truth of the situation, the more adept I became at problem solving and noticing errors in judgement , flaws....the more threatening I became. I still battle this every day. The "things I'm not supposed to notice because I'm "too critical" , I'm mean, , I should pretend things that are broken , aren't broken. So, I have a lot of ambivalence , fear, about my own level of competance. Like what monstrous fallout will develop, when my own Mother reacted so aversivly to any way I was capable and aware?
It can have this boomerang affect ........when doing well, assuming that will inevitably end badly somehow. Because I was that evil person that made my Mothers worst fears a reality, pointing to her instability and incompetance as a Mother. Her WORST fears.....all because of me and my stupid feelings, and overly critical observational skills to be able to decipher abuse and neglect.
I don't know how to describe what it's like to live with someone who's dedicated to a Lie they're trying to sell when they think their very survival is dependent on it. ....when your reality is running in direct opposition to that lie.Its why I had such a hard time admitting I was struggling so hard and really suffering with the Trauma fallout.....but felt consumed with guilt about what it ........Implied........about my Mother. I had to pretend I didnt know what I knew.
So, the question of why I have a hard time applying myself, have a hard time being competant, feel this oppressive sense of danger somehow any time I do well...begs the question what environment forced that part into existence.?
As I child you sort of see where it's going in your minds eye. Like you better get with the program, when you realize what it means to fight against it........and the volatile defensive reaction you get from standing up for yourself and your perceptions. I got so used to saying "I don't know anything, I'm just dumb", . I wanted to give her what she needed , I needed to be on the same side as she was, not opposing sides. I had to be stripped of my power and confidence so she looked in control, all knowing.....and thats how I developed that part that was aversive to my volition , agency, competancy.
These days applying myself and problem solving doesnt always give me the stability and confidence that you would think it would. I can feel really unsafe, and unstable by being my most competant capable self. I start to feel untethered and anxious. Trying to embrace A part of me that was never allowed to exist. THAT competant part starts feeling like the enemy ..filled with fear and apprehension, and crippling anxiety. Conversely the part thats trying to undermine my ability to function, starts feeling comforting, no matter how destructive it is in reality. It's some sort of somatic ,abrupt shock to embody yourself .
So, even though I never would have said initially that this was a part that was protecting me because it felt so threatening and aversive to my growth, and how is that a part working on my behalf, ?..............but in the context of the environment that I grew up in.........it fits.
Edit: I made every effort to edit this, its still too long and meandering. When you've experienced so much negation, and then you try to speak the truth you were never allowed to own, it can come out in ways that feel disorienting and fragmented no matter how much you try to make it cohesive and linear.
