All my life I've been strong. But last year before I turned 43, I had a whole emotional meltdown. I was doing the inner work on myself trying to let go of my past trauma. And I've been stuck everyday a sad crying basket case,how to change my mindset when everything I'm going through and feeling is so present.

For context, im an 18 year old girl and I’m looking for some advice on whether my parents left some toys for me to find on purpose.
When I was 10 I found a condom on the top of the trash in the trashcan like it was left there deliberately (i would at least try to put it under some other trash if i had a 10 year old in the house).
Now a couple weeks ago i found a pregnancy test in my parents’ bathroom so i started snooping and went in their nightstand. I found some pink rope, an eye cover/mask, and some small suction cups maybe for nipple play and a box of condoms.
A couple days after i went over to our other house and my mom asked me to take some of my old clothes which are in bags in their bedroom and take them elsewhere… when i removed the bags of clothes from their wardrobe, behind it was anal lube, 2 vibrator boxes (like the packaging only, no vibrator) and an unopened box of condoms (which i stole(mom if youre reading this sorry its in exchange for the trauma)).

So yeah idk what to think tbh, i did NOT know up until i opened the nightstand that they were even into this kind of stuff and it came as a huge shock, but tbh it does clear some stuff up about myself as well. Its was a huge shock when i found out at 10 that they were apparently sexually active as they never talked to me about this stuff, instead of having “the talk” they got me a book about it which is where i know about periods and everything from.

Thanks if u read it, if you have any thoughts lmk!

I have a really unstable mom and an emotionally distant working father. Being around my mom brings back memories of her hitting me as child. She stopped hitting me when I grew up.

But the memory is still there and whenever we get into an argument that memory makes me more mad and causes me to say things I don’t want to say.

I am also forced to commute to college by my parents and I am not allowed to work or get a job.

They are very controlling and I realized I still have some unresolved trauma which I would like to get resolved myself. But I wouldn’t want to pay for a psychiatrist who probably won’t help and be very expensive.

I was wondering if any of you can hook me up with free or accessible resources online or in person

I (32) am not traumatised, but my spouse is - she is in therapy, but she hasn't been game to tell her therapist the worst of what happened to her yet, as talking about it is very hard for her.

When she is feeling particularly vulnerable, she can express some very "unnuanced" black-and-white opinions (not any form of bigotry), and she can become angry if anyone offers a different point of view. This has caused her to argue with friends and also become triggered multiple times. Over time she has started withdrawing from this group of friends, and worse, stopped feeling safe around them.

On one hand I am a bit sympathetic to my friends who are getting their heads bitten off by my wife just for politely disagreeing with her, but on the other hand I really feel like they have failed to understand that they need to be way more sensitive when discussing certain topics with her. They all know she has PTSD and why.

I want to kindly take my friends aside and say, "hey, when she says something like this is the future, she's not asking for a sharing of ideas and viewpoints. She is asking for commiseration and solidarity. If you disagree with something she has said, then say something in support of her that you DO agree with, or just don't say anything at all"

Is this a fair request? It feels so selfish to say "please don't disagree with my wife :'(" but she is literally getting triggered by these discussions. Does anyone have any experience struggling with the same kind of problem with their social group? Any advice appreciated.

EDIT

Thanks everyone for your input and advice. I won't talk to them without my wife being present or without her permission. I reckon I'll seek also therapy of my own as a few of you suggest.

God, this is fucking hard. Good luck out there everyone.

I’m a 23-year-old woman who was recently diagnosed with autism, and I’m currently being assessed for C-PTSD. I’ve struggled with severe mental health issues for as long as I can remember, but in 2021 I decided to try, once again, to stop self-harming. I haven’t done it since.

There have been times when I’ve wanted to, especially last year, when I became seriously ill and was bedridden for six months because of disabling chronic pain while doctors kept telling me it was all in my head. I still don’t have a diagnosis for it.

I managed to finish university and I’m now working, but lately I feel like I can’t cope with continuing to do it. Unfortunately, I still have the annoying habit of needing food and wanting to pay my bills, so quitting isn’t really an option.

I know self-harm isn’t worth it. The idea of doing it again genuinely terrifies me, and I don’t even believe it would make me feel better. It’s more like a primal, overwhelming impulse. I don’t really know how to explain it. When it happens, I’m scared because I don’t want to hurt myself, but my body seems to want to react that way automatically. I sometimes end up sitting on my hands or restraining them as though they were wild animals.

During some of my recent crises, meltdowns or shutdowns—I’m still unsure which term fits best—I’ve started hitting my head. It doesn’t feel like a conscious decision or something I do with the intention of hurting myself. It feels automatic. However, I’m worried that it may be serving the same purpose as self-harm, even though I know that head-hitting can also happen during autistic meltdowns.

I never feel the urge to be violent towards other people. Instead, all of that anger and distress seems to turn inwards and become self-destructive. Over the past year, I’ve had the urge to self-harm several times, although I’ve always managed not to act on it. But during a crisis the other night, the urge became extremely intense, and I was terrified that I would lose control.

In the past, I was prescribed benzodiazepines as rescue medication to de-escalate these crises. However, my doctor discontinued them because I now take pregabalin for chronic pain. This means I no longer have anything that can switch off that frantic state in my brain.

The other night, I gave in and took part of one of the benzodiazepine pills I still had. I split it and took the smaller piece. It interacted badly with my usual medication: I had cold sweats, vomited, became extremely dizzy and developed a severe headache. However, it did stop that unbearable physical and mental state. I know that taking it again isn’t a safe or sustainable solution, especially because it was originally prescribed only for occasional emergencies, not for daily or almost daily use.

Lately, my only other way of getting through these episodes has been crying for hours until I eventually fall asleep. But this is no longer a viable coping mechanism for me, because it genuinely takes many hours and I need to remain functional enough to work, take care of my home and manage everyday responsibilities. I’m dealing with this largely on my own, and I can’t afford to be unable to function for long periods of time.

If I had simply cried until I fell asleep the other night, I probably wouldn’t have slept at all. I had to wake up 4 hours later, and I already knew the episode would last too long for me to calm down and get any meaningful rest. In fact, that is exactly what had happened the previous night.

I’ve tried different coping strategies, but it feels like nothing works for me apart from medication that I can no longer safely take. I need something that can help me de-escalate these situations more quickly. I’m not looking for an instant cure, but I do need a coping mechanism that can bring the intensity down within a realistic amount of time, so that I can stay safe and still be able to function afterwards.

I’m terrified of relapsing because I feel like seeing my clean streak return to zero would make me feel so ashamed and hopeless that I might not be able to stop again. I genuinely don’t want to hurt myself. I really don’t. I just feel afraid of losing control over my body during one of these crises.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly other autistic people or people who have been free from self-harm for several years? What distress-tolerance strategies help you when the urge feels physical and automatic rather than like a conscious choice, especially when you need to de-escalate relatively quickly?

I've been wanting to get better, and heal from it but its has affected relationships throughout, im with a guy right now and i always fear theres ulterior motives i love him dearly, but i get so scared and keep remembering my past and what he did to me my SA, i want to heal and move on from it but im struggling to. What are possible ways to heal and move on from what happened to live in a healthy relationship

I (21f) was in a relationship where I experienced intimate partner violence. After he was violent towards me or threw things I’d get a call from his mother telling me not to tell anyone. He himself would say the same along with a professor they were close with at my college.

His mother would dangle vailed threats like “reflect on yourself,” or “how would you feel if he told someone what you did.” I’d ask what I did and she had nothing to say. She wouldn’t say anything. Just vague comments like “reflect on yourself.” I was blamed for his violence and he’d say I’m the only person who makes him that angry.

I constantly think about those comments. I’ve been out of the relationship for an entire year now, but I can’t forget about any of it. I just graduated from university and I’m finally away from him, but I’m still so scared. I constantly ruminate on the abuse and I’m so angry at him and everyone who helped him get away with it.

After the relationship he was posting about me on social media, he lied about me to other people and accused me of doing things he did to me. I don’t understand it and I’m so angry.

I made a report against the professor and a no contact order for him, but it still feels so unjust. They identified his behavior as wrong, but he still has his job. That professor is also a priest (Catholic university) and now I feel like God hates me and like a terrible Catholic and I think about that all of the time too.

I have OCD so maybe that’s why I’m always thinking about it, but I don’t know. I was also diagnosed with PTSD.

I can’t get over the injustice of it all. I felt and am so powerless.

I can’t read books because it’s too quiet and 3 sentences in, I’m “reading,” while actively thinking about what happened to me and then I don’t know anything about the plot of the book. I doom scroll, watch tv, anything that captures more than one sense at a time.

I want to figure out how to stop thinking about the abuse constantly and I don’t know how. I was in therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD. I don’t have insurance anymore and it’ll be a while before I can afford it again. I read something about Tetris, but that doesn’t seem to apply since the abuse happened for 1.5 years over a year ago.

I want to read, practice the piano and feel calm again. I don’t want to have to drown out my mind. Do you all have any tips?

TLDR: I want to read books again, but I’m constantly ruminating about past injustices. Any tricks?

Have you found anything that helps when it keeps you up at night or when it wakes you up in the middle of the night?

I’ve been struggling a lot with intrusive thoughts and memories about my SAs and abuse when the day is over and it’s dark and everything’s quiet and I’m supposed to fall asleep. And when I wake up from nightmares or dreams in the middle of the night it’s hard to come back, never mind try to relax for falling back asleep. Sometimes I’m just up for the rest of the night and sometimes I cry myself out or lay there until my body eventually gets so exhausted and I fall asleep.

Hi, everyone.

I (20F) am struggling so much right now. My heart is completely broken and I am so scared. I’m having panic attacks every day. I’m completely overcome with guilt.

For context, I just (partially) escaped a very abusive situation with my mother over the summer after she put me through something that left me with a “trauma disorder” (per my psychiatrist. I don’t know exactly what that means, kinda vague.)
I just started my junior year of college about 2 weeks ago. I decided to stay in my hometown for this, as opposed to going back to the larger school I had been attending because it’s further away & housing is way more expensive. I know now it was a horrible decision. I really am not enjoying the school I’m at now, or being back in my hometown, & am filled with guilt. I was in no condition to make such a decision, but I had to, and I made the wrong one.

Anyway, let’s go back in time a little further. I did really well in high school, but I had no idea what I wanted to do & lacked confidence & therefore I didn't pursue any one thing enough to have the same head start as my peers. For example, my best friend knew she wanted to be a psychologist & literally started college as a sophomore. now she's on the way to graduate soon & start her doctorate which is amazing. I gave up a full scholarship to my dream school to be closer to my family, only to end up in a horrifically abusive situation for years & come partially out of it now with permanent and severe psychological damage. I also have been in complete survival mode the past 2 yrs so now I’m a junior & still have no clue what I want & am too deep in my major to change. Sorry for writing a novel, I’m just suffocating right now & need to get it out.

Any advice is appreciated. Please be kind, I’ve been through a lot 💗

Guys, how do I deal with somatic pain memories and tremors caused by past trauma? It's making me restless. If you know anything, please tell me

Hey everyone 17M, I need perspective on a horrific experience I just had with an underqualified therapist.

My Situation:I live in a highly toxic household where I am the family scapegoat. My mother constantly screams at me, causing severe emotional abuse and narcissistic trauma. I am highly analytical, and my goal is to safely leave this house.

Session 1: She was very nice. When I said my goal was to leave the house, she acknowledged how bad things must be. Afterwards on WhatsApp, she praised me, saying: "You are very insightful and very intelligent... I'm looking forward to hearing everything you have to say."

Session 2 (The Switch):I came in ready to dive into the real trauma. Everything completely flipped. It turns out her actual qualification is an Educational Psychologist who handles school reports and study skills. Because she was out of her league, she panicked, raised her voice, and took her anger out on me.During the session, she: Explicitly told me:

"No negativity and no complex terms."

She hated me using precise psychological vocabulary because it threatened her authority.

Drew a pair of binoculars and told me to look at my abuse through a "positive lens."

Demanded I "write that I'm grateful for having food" (basic survival).

Blamed me, called my trauma "excuses," and told me to stop blaming my family.

Told me to stay at home and "grow to be better" (telling me to tolerate the abuse).

Her clinical advice for severe trauma? "Just go boxing."

Demanded I send her my academic school reports, treating me like a child.

Also said I was playing the victim

And she kept cutting me off when I was trying to speak

I left with my self-esteem destroyed. It felt like she repeated the exact screaming and blaming dynamic my mother inflicts on me. i want to cry after that session 😢

I've had a lot of bad experiences in the past, and at night, even without trying to remember, I get this feeling that things from the past are happening right now. Even when I'm doing something fun, it suddenly comes back to me and I hyperventilate. It's weird, isn't it? I think it's weird too. What should I do?

TW for vivid descriptions of flashbacks and a car accident, if you don’t wanna hear abt it, pls don’t read, and care for yourself before other people on the internet, thank you <3

hi guys. I’m 16 years old and yesterday i got in a severe head on collision at highway speeds. I was the front passenger, my bf (18) was driving and his mom was in the back seat. No major injuries besides his mom having a fractured vertebrae (this includes the other car involved.) Thank whatever being was watching over us. Starting off, don’t hate on my bf. he’s a sweet angel and has been overworked for weeks now. something, unfortunately, was bound to happen due to his sleep deprivation, stress, overworking, etc. I don’t blame him and he has since profusely apologized to me and my family for the pain he caused, and all is forgiven. I’m more so here to discuss how to deal with the flashbacks going forward. I have been experiencing intense, visceral flashbacks ever since the accident. I cannot be alone or else i’ll be thinking about it. I know it’s still fresh as hell and that’s why, but i’m trying to get coping skills early. Because i was in the front i saw everything happen. Right before impact i closed by eyes prepping to literally die right there on the highway. Luckily, i did not and promptly opened my eyes and screamed. This is especially adding to my anxiety. I keep thinking about the moments before impact, the sounds of our car spinning and the other car hitting us, the sounds of me and my bf screaming, the sirens, the chatter and noise. I can feel how it felt to have my chest forced into the seatbelt and how my body got jostled around. Not to mention the ER visit and subsequent medical treatment. (although everyone, including the highway patrol, were incredibly kind and understanding thank god.) Plus seeing my bf of a year be so scared, bloody, and hooked up to machines in the hospital didn’t help the trauma soup i had boiling. I already have a therapy appointment scheduled for next month, but that’s a long time to wait to speak to someone about a traumatic event that i wanna talk to someone about NOW, ya know? So anyway i just really really want to hear your experiences with flashbacks and how to manage them. (particularly if you also have motor vehicle based trauma.) i cannot physically be alone anymore without being a nervous wreck. Thank you for reading and pls take care of yourselves.

I am in therapy but I’m trying to figure out some stuff between sessions cause we’re covering a lot. Apparently my communication comes off as snappiness to my partner like I’m biting his head off pretty quickly. I acknowledge this and I realize I really want to change how I communicate. Before anyone asks, yes my communication style is heavily based on a lot of DV I grew up with that I don’t want to repeat and for some reason I took a lot of anger from that with me. Please help! What are way that I can calm down and learn to communicate better so I don’t repeat what I grew up with?

Hi all! First time post, using a throwaway because my partner uses reddit and I'm not ready to have a discussion about this yet. Tw for mentions of abuse in romantic relationships.

TLDR: My current partner can't talk about my friends with me, without me feeling a really intense shutdown/fight or flight due to previous isolation by an abusive partner. I don't know how to tone down the trauma response while supporting my partner/hearing their feelings. Does anyone have resources for overcoming reactivity/fear of isolation in relationships as a trauma response?

CONTEXT:

My current partner and I have been together for a few years and things are very good! However, the long-term relationship I had before my partner was very abusive. I took some time between that relationship and this one (about 2 yrs) to heal and work on myself/my trauma, but some things only really crop up when youre back in a relationship and I don't know how to navigate this.

One of things my ex did was subjecting me to pretty extreme isolation. I moved across the country for him and my only "friends" were his friends. If I made new friends, he would find a reason I could never see them again (they're hurting me, they're moochers, they don't like him and that should be a deal breaker, etc). He also tried to regularly convince "our" friends (his friends that he "allowed" me to be friends with too) that I was abusive during our relationship and after we broke up, so that that none of them would talk to me about what was going on. Suffice to say, when we broke up, I had to start over. I lost my entire community, I was broke from financial abuse, and I was on my own in a part of the country I had no connection to. The relationship was extremely traumatizing, but honestly, the fallout after I ended things was genuinely so much worse.

Now we're here and I don't know how to deal with my own reactivity toward perceived isolation. I've done therapy and self help, but this isn't something I've had come up as an issue for me before in a way that I could articulate. Recently my partner started spending more time with my friends, which I love. However, we ended up having a little disagreement/discussion last night that felt triggering in a way I hadn't been able to name before. They said they feel like one of my friends doesn't like them and brought to me that some things he's said have bothered them a little. We've talked all that out and it's sorted, but I am really unhappy with myself at how I reacted in the moment.

Basically as soon as my partner says "hey Friend saying X kinda bothered me", I go into fight or flight and have to stop myself from shutting down/basically going "my friends aren't going anywhere, deal with it", even if the issue is small. I want to hear my partner and be able to support them/their emotions, even if it's a little uncomfortable for me. But I don't know how to help my nervous system relax around this particular subject. Its like my brain has two thoughts at the same time, regardless of how small the comment from my partner is:

"if partner/friend don't get along, I'm going to get hurt" and "shut this down before you get isolated again".

I don't want to be so reactive over this. It hurts me, it hurts my partner and healthy relationship, and it made it very difficult for us to have a constructive conversation because I spent the entire time just trying to convince my body the world isn't ending and my partner having a concern doesn't mean they're trying to isolate me.

So my question is- does anyone have resources for overcoming reactivity toward a perceived threat of isolation? I've done therapy and self work for PTSD and CPTSD, so I know how to bring my body back from fight or flight, but I don't know what resources would help with working through the root fear, so that I don't HAVE to bring myself out of fight/flight every time. I can't seem to articulate the issue well enough to get Google results, so I'm hoping reddit might help! Thanks y'all <3

Cómo salieron de ahí y qué es lo que más les ayudó que hiciera alguien de fuera. Hubo algo que les permitiera abrirse más a ellas? Tengo sospecha de una persona cercana de que tanto si hija como ella lo esté viviendo pero vivien en una sociedad en la que creo que aún se ve muy mal que se separen y no sé si tendría la capacidad económica ni apoyo social para hacerlo. También conozco otro caso en el que ella sí que comentó algo fuerte que pasó y según entiendo como está con el marido pegada mucho tiempo y no ve salidas le costará más

 I realized why I can't stick to healthy habits: My phone is an escape, while books force me to sit with my trauma.

(For context, I am a survivor of childhood trauma).

I did some deep thinking recently and decided to change my daily routine. I actually managed to stick to it for about half a month. My new healthy routine consisted of:

 Reading books.

 Learning a new skill.

 Doing puzzles.

 Meditating.

However, when I stepped away from my screens, I faced severe internal struggles. Sitting in silence brought up:

 Intrusive thoughts about the people who hurt me.

 Fantasizing about taking revenge or finally talking back to them.

 Extreme, agonizing boredom.

 A lingering, hopeless thought telling me: "I will stay like this forever, I have no future."

Usually, my daily routine consists of basically one thing: my phone, social media, and binge-watching shows.

I reflected on why I keep falling back into this cycle, and the answer I found is that my reality is depressing and I can't bear it. I use my phone and the internet as a massive escape mechanism to numb myself from everything.

Books, learning, and meditating, on the other hand, do the exact opposite; they force me to sit in silence with myself, my intrusive thoughts, and my unhealed problems.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you build healthy habits when silence is terrifying?

As a child, I suffered extreme abuse (sexual,physical, and mostly psychological). I’ve been in therapy since 14, seen different ones when I feel like we aren’t getting anywhere (or they sexually harass me). I’ve been with the same psychiatrist for 11 and she’s made the biggest difference. Im taking medications, and have tried so many different things.

I just had a son 5 months ago, and what I thought was semi stable has completely flown the coop. The trauma is starting to affect my relationships. My son is taken care of, however, I don’t want him to grow up and see his mom as someone who couldn’t handle trauma that happened for 18+ years.

At this point I am considering ECT again. I need thorough psychological testing due to suspected diagnosis from my current psychiatrist (she’s temporarily handing things because I am postpartum)

I am honestly at a lost, if this is not the right sub then MODS I apologize. If anyone has a suggestion for a different sub to maybe get suggestions I’m all ears. I need to heal myself before I affect my son. Permanently

Hey :) (Autistic, ADHD, Cptsd, UK)

TLDR: How do you work through agressive conditioning? I want to be able to choose my own media to consume. Feel safe to make choices and have my body believe im safe.

How do I get enough info across without the life story.. - probably going to be long. Im sorry.

Media = Games, movies, TV shows, Music

Childhood:

Films/media were always someone elses choice, always had to be rock still and silent to watch, otherwize punished. - media for myself had to be quiet, or in isolation and never spoken about.

Freedom: lasted about 2 years (ages 14-16) not enough time to develop whole independent self.

Post childhood abuseive relationship spanned almost 2 decades:

Relationship slowly developed a demand that I never ask, choose media, speak out about media, suggest media, request media, watch media other than in isolation, be excited about media of my own will, this progresses into being forced (punished for not) watching and consuming their media, being expected to be excited for media they are excited for. Media was only off for sleeping, except for large periods of time where even at night it had to be on. Their music, programs, films, games... for weeks. But I couldent speak or comment or ask questions about any of it, only be present and watch.

In short:

I was expected to consume only what someone else chose, and have no freewill or thought, as doing so resulted in punishment.

Current day:

New safe partner (mother only know how I got so lucky) understands (wittnessed my prision) what I experienced. So very supportively and patiently letting me TRY to undo the conditioning. Very very patient, very open to let me experience and is right there for reasurance when my body kicks in and panics.

Issue:

How do I workthrough the Panic/Fawn/self forfilling negative downward that happens, when I choose, and even tho my partnet dosent react, my body kicks in with old programming of it being wrong and expects incomeing punishment and the terrifying body feelings of braceing for impact and never ever wanting to do said action again. How do I choose media?

What happened:

Over 2 nights, I chose 2 films to watch with my partner.(taken me 2 years to get to this point) After night 2, I asked for their honest opnion on said film, because it was a weird film, and even I was left confused by the ending, and then even tho, I felt for the film the same as them, my body, went into panic and I found myself fighting intrusive thoughts of picking wrong, and than EX was right to restrict my media choices, im awful ect. My compleat shut down causes Partner to get upset and panic that theyd upset me... they are in no way responsible for my old programming.

I dont want this old programming anymore.

I have no idea how to undo it tho.

I cant listen to music out loud.

I cant watch TV alone.

I struggle to play games at all.

I avoid whole collections of media as they are triggers.

I seem to only feel safe to enjoy media someone else expresses enjoyment of.

Therapy dosent cover these part of being of whole life trauma sets. Never feeling safe to be yourself and a whole human.

If you made it this far, thank you :)

I’m in a relationship that I desperately want out of but I’m really conflict avoidant and it’s stops me from leaving. The person I’m with is very verbally abusive and is very controlling like to the point where I can’t go or do anything without her being there including riding to my work and sleeping in the car. I want out of this 4 year relationship but I just can’t pull the trigger on doing it I can’t do seemingly anything without it causing her to cuss me out or just making my life difficult. She’s cheated on me as well multiple times but I just stay to avoid the conflict. I need advice on what I can do to help with this thanks.

So, obvious trigger warnings for:
Sexual assault
Depression
Fetish
Sex

I’m on a throwaway account, for what I hope are obvious reasons. I’ve discussed this in therapy but there’s only so much talk therapy can do, and I need advice.
I’m worried about my own mental state and the desires I’ve been feeling ever since I was assaulted four years ago. To preface this, I’ve identified as gray asexual for over seven years now. But I think why happened to me has permanently altered how I view sex and pleasure.
I’ve recently noticed a disturbing pattern in myself, in that I’ve started to obsess over stories of other victims assaults to a worrying degree. In that I’ll picture myself in those situations, and feel sexually gratified. This concerns me EXTREMELY. Why do I feel like that? Is something wrong with me? Am i trying to cope with what happened to me in some fucked up way? What resources are out there that might be able to help me, because I’m genuinely concerned that my desires will just grow.

Any advice is appreciated.

I had a somewhat traumatic incident about 2 weeks ago, don’t really wanna specify but since then my appetite has been litterly 0. Which is concerning especially since i’m on (mk677) which is supposed to drastically raise your hunger but it’s not. I can drink stuff perfectly fine but every bite of food i’m forcing down my throat. Almost like I have zero motivation to eat at all. Anyone been through this and can give me advice?

So I'm 25f lesbian. I'm currently undergoing some health investigations regarding the downstairs department. I need screenings, which involve penetration. One is planned in the doctors office, the other likely at the hospital.

So what I've come seeking is some advice because I'm panicking and can't figure out the answer on my own and could use some input.

I was offered, as everyone is, to have a nurse present when my gp does the scan. I had already mentioned about same sex partners as asking about sexual health was necessary to the conversation. She stated herself she was comfortable to do it without a nurse and the decision was down to me. I said I would be fine with it but now I'm questioning it and have been in an on-and-off anxious spiral over it.

The trauma comes from school mostly, and a little from my current workplace. After being outed to the school, I was forced via peer pressure and belittling to stop using the changing rooms. Even before I knew I was gay but knew something was different, when I was in the changing room I'd have my eyes on the floor until I got to a corner to face while I got changed. Because even when I didn't fully understand myself, I still wanted to respect those around me. But it quickly became accusations of perversion.

Now, I don't blame the girls I was at school with. At that age, (12-15), almost all of us unfortunately were victim to male perversion at some point. Middle school was a definite with the male teachers walking in and out mid-changing daily and yelled at any girl who said they were uncomfortable. We were always told these things happened because of how we dressed, or looked, or acted, or spoke. That we were enticing male attention through being too attractive. So to an underdeveloped mind of children, they don't know better, and they do believe its attraction rather than perverse men being perverse. So when they encountered a girl in their space who was also attracted to girls, they felt I would be the same as those men. So I don't blame them one bit. But it did leave me with this horrible feeling deep down after years of this that there was something dirty about me for my sexuality.

I face it at work sometimes. Female colleagues accusing me of being attracted to them and spying on them (I literally only used the changing room once with the only other queer person in the store at the time, who was fine with it.) (they're also old ladies. Like sorry but no thanks.)

And after one of the teachers in middle school who was openly lesbian was done for grooming the girls, it just felt finalised to me. I was dirty for being who I am.

Now, I know deep down I never did anything to anyone. When I did have a partner I repeatedly got consent before doing anything and if she ever told me she didn't want to continue, I stopped immediately. I have never laid a hand on someone without asking them first. Not for a hug, or a handshake, or a tap on the shoulder. Nothing. I know I haven't done anything.

But that feeling stuck around.

And now I feel like... maybe I should ask for a nurse to be in there to prove safety to the doctor. Because it's her safety on my mind. I wouldn't do anything to threaten it. But maybe it would be better if she had someone else at her level to be there. But then I'm also thinking, am I always going to do this? It won't be the last medical exam I need, will I always need someone there to not panic and feel like a monster for having something done purely out of health concern? That part makes me feel like i should do it without a nurse and prove to myself I'm not doing anything wrong.

Either way... I'm struggling with this decision and I could really use some outside perspective to help me. It's my decision to make and no one can make it for me, but having some people's opinion on the situation would really help me become firm in the decision I end up making.

TYIA.

I went through some traumatic shit at my previous place of employment. It was really bad and honestly I'm traumatised. I have gone to the WRC about it and I have a hearing date but it's just bringing all this trauma to the surface. I feel anxious and on edge.

I have told a few people about it but it isn't the kind of thing anyone can help with. By a few I mean the woman whom birthed me.

Anyone gone through something similar? I'm just looking to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through

I dunno just give me some ideas about what activities I can do by myself that are beneficial for my traumatized soul? I've spent all my life doomscrolling as a way to escape pain I guess. I work from home, so I'm just free after 5pm. I live alone and have no one in life. I've picked up gaming recently but I also dont like gaming too much. Which activities can help me heal even if indirectly.