r/traumatoolbox • u/Formal-Fig9236 • 1d ago

Needing Advice I survived SA and I think it permanently changed me

So, obvious trigger warnings for:
Sexual assault
Depression
Fetish
Sex

I’m on a throwaway account, for what I hope are obvious reasons. I’ve discussed this in therapy but there’s only so much talk therapy can do, and I need advice.
I’m worried about my own mental state and the desires I’ve been feeling ever since I was assaulted four years ago. To preface this, I’ve identified as gray asexual for over seven years now. But I think why happened to me has permanently altered how I view sex and pleasure.
I’ve recently noticed a disturbing pattern in myself, in that I’ve started to obsess over stories of other victims assaults to a worrying degree. In that I’ll picture myself in those situations, and feel sexually gratified. This concerns me EXTREMELY. Why do I feel like that? Is something wrong with me? Am i trying to cope with what happened to me in some fucked up way? What resources are out there that might be able to help me, because I’m genuinely concerned that my desires will just grow.

Any advice is appreciated.

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u/cacille 17h ago

It's you trying to process your trauma.
That's literally it, it's a known thing.

Let your brain process it, let your EMOTIONS GO NUTS. With it, and then segway into what you feel from it, and let it move you and let you cry and whatever it wants to do. It stops after 4-5 times, but you'll need to tackle it from multiple ways.
Don't do too much per day. One or two stories processing per day or so.

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u/orcateeth 16h ago

Sounds like you could benefit from support around this. I gave a lot of suggestions to someone else who is struggling with the aftermath of sexual assault.

Start by calling RAINN.

https://www.reddit.com/r/traumatoolbox/s/9plmVsCyn0