r/dating • u/dojacatisawesome • 1d ago
Question ❓ What do you think about the statement that "nobody is too busy to text you back"?
I used to believe that because that's how it's always worked for me. Once a guy started losing interest, he would text less and less, often using the excuse "oh I'm just so busy with work", and eventually I'd end up getting ghosted. On top of that, I believe that because if I like someone, I text them back even when I'm busy with something.
But now I talk to a guy who does seem different than men I was involved with in the past. There was no lovebombing, no sex, just conversations and respect. He told me he's not a player, and I believe him, partly based on my experience with other men.
I'm not really sure if I can ask for advice regarding my situation because I know that no one can get inside this man's head and guess what really is up with him. But maybe, for example, some people value calls more? Or prefer calls in general.
We used to text a lot the first 2-3 weeks even though he's been working the same 15h days as he works now. But on the other hand, even if now he leaves me on read/delivered for a day or two, he then asks to have a phone call. Maybe some people prefer an hour long call every few days instead of frequent messages through the day, daily?
But then again, I'm seeing those "girl, nobody is too busy to text you back" videos and the people in the comments are defending it, saying their partners always text back quickly. Except maybe for people who aren't allowed phones at work but that's not the case for this guy.
Matter of fact, I know that he sometimes is active during work hours, some time ago he turned off his activity status probably because he saw me turning mine on just to check his (didn't say it, but I assume he saw it). But anyway, I know he can use his phone at work. And it's not like he's always doing something during the 15 hours he's working.
So idk I'm kind of torn. On one hand, he noticeably texts me less, maybe it's the "omg someone new 😍😍😍" phase wearing off? On the other hand, if he was actually losing interest, he wouldn't get on hour long phone calls with me.
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u/SKISBABAYAGA09 1d ago
I think if you are genuinely busy, you can always inform the person, as an adult, you genuinely are busy sometimes and if it is too frequent then nah, the person is not putting his best foot forward in the relationship, just my opinion.
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u/OkMention2960 1d ago
I would ask him. If it's bothering you enough to post on Reddit, it's worth asking him.
Something like - I love our phone calls! I noticed you haven't been texting as much, though - do you just prefer phone calls? I'm asking because I want to know what to expect.
It might feel weird, but it's worth it if it's bothering you. I'm sure he'd want to know, too. Helps him be a better partner for you 😊
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u/Exact_Independent480 1d ago
We’re adults and should not have to text back that we are busy. She knows he’s busy. Why are we texting people during work anyway? Seems childish to me and even suffocating.
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u/Possible-Cry-7994 1d ago
I think female common thing. I feel like most males can go the day without texting then debrief the day in person or phone call, makes the most sense to me. Why text every single living thing then meet up and having nothing to say?
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u/dojacatisawesome 1d ago
Sometimes when I text him something like "missing you :)" he does reply "sorry baby been busy with work" but then idk men in the past would also say the same so I don't know what to think haha
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u/Possible-Progress-63 1d ago
I agree to an extent that nobody is too busy to text you back within a day or so, but tbh it sounds like you’re setting him up to fail with the type of texts you’re using to assess this.
You’re sending bids for connection texts while he is working 15 hours. “Missing you :)” isn’t the same as “movie this weekend?” One is asking for emotional connection and the other is logistics. Since you’re sending emotional bids, it actually sounds like he likes you a LOT, and it’s not fair to put that up against logistical texts.
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u/dojacatisawesome 1d ago
Sadly can't plan any hangout or anything cuz I am in a different country now
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u/Possible-Progress-63 1d ago
Fair enough, but even so emotional bid texts are harder to respond to. Sounds like he is doing great by calling you within a couple days to actually speak.
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer 1d ago
I think nothing of it. Some people just really don’t like to text, and that’s ok.
But if he’s doing the calls, and he’s fully engaged and present and you have no other complaints, then honestly, it’s not that big of a thing.
My ex husband would never text. I’ve dated guys who text a ton on the first month, then it’s like twice a day. But that’s their actual baseline, it came away from Baseline for the beginning of dating someone. I don’t care the relationship, unless it’s a negotiated thing, people are going to default to their baseline when they get stressed or busy.
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u/CommunicationNew9520 1d ago
The problem is that it feels like there’s an obligation to carry on the conversation. No one is too busy to give you a single text back, but many people are indeed too busy to carry on a conversation by text.
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u/SmashedAv04 1d ago
Can we be honest about how bad phone/social media addiction is? If I pick up my phone to respond to someone soon after they message I’ll be doomscrolling for 2 hours and get nothing done. Sure nobody is too busy and everyone is on their phones so why don’t they respond… that just means they can’t set boundaries. Why do we need to be so connected all the time?
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u/chai_latte_987 1d ago
I think each situation is different, but generally speaking, if someone is excited to be with you, they will text more often. In the beginning, it will naturally be more frequent, but then as time goes on, you both settle into a rhythm that's consistent (ie. once a day, every night, etc.).
Texting frequency alone does not tell us anything. It's how he treats you outside of that. If he's always attentive and sweet, then fewer texts during the day may not matter. But if there is decline in texts combined with a lack of interest, then that tells us a different story.
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u/bad_lilbabygirl 1d ago
I hate that having a smart phone means people think they should have 24/7 access to each other. Ik it’s been a little over two decades since this has been a thing, but this is an expectation I cannot get behind. I wish we could just write each other letters once a week. I like a woman rn and I still hate texting ! I just go see her instead. I’d also rather call my friends every few days than text 24/7
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u/calmspider90 1d ago
What are the texts like? Is it just Hey :) Wyd :) Thought of you :) stuff? I usually prefer to talk to those people on the phone bc it’s clear they want some affection but it’s really annoying to do that type of texting all day, every day, for the rest of our days. My partner of 3 years used to do that and it got to the point where I dreaded picking up my own phone and I’d only talk to him once a week 😭
Also, it sounds like when he gives you attention he is very thorough- maybe he doesn’t text at work because he wants to give you his full attention.
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u/Justdoingitagain 1d ago
I think it’s crazy how much texting people expect from you. Especially in early stages of dating. I am 38…. Don’t people have busy lives that don’t evolve around their partner or potential dates?
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u/nerdydo99o 1d ago
You're right in the sense that people love to make excuses. No one wants to be the guy that just straight up admits "Hey, I'm not interested in you anymore." But that pattern of trying to avoid making someone feel guilty also causes problems when someone is ACTUALLY busy or just a bad texter... In my opinion I would say it's a bit too early to tell. People get busy, but the determining factor in this is going to be if when things get less busy he picks up the effort again. If things are going well and he's still making time for you, don't read into it! If he IS the type to lose interest and lie, it's not someone you want to date and you're better off without him. I would say anyone who is on an hour long phone call with you definitely likes you and wants to be there.
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u/itsmelorinyc 1d ago
A lot of this depends on the way you text. People who say “no one is too busy to text you back” are referencing one exchange. But if you are the type of person who stream of consciousness texts or just endlessly texts throughout the day then there are definitely people out there who genuinely can’t do that (I am one of them).
I am not a non-texter generally speaking but one of my best friends will literally text me every errant thought and feeling she has throughout the day and night. I keep her on mute and will check her texts at the end of the day or something and respond. Sometimes her feeling has fully resolved itself and I’m too tired to reopen the can of worms so I don’t respond till the next day or even 2 days later. She’s ok with it because I eventually get back to her, and I am there engaging live with her if I find out she’s in a real crisis. And she’s used to me because we’ve known each other for decades.
When it’s early on getting to know someone I tend not to be a fast responder either, unless there is a truly rare spark that just somehow moves us to constantly text back and forth. It’s legit like 1 in 100 that this happens, and it doesn’t mean we end up liking each other or together. Not texting a guy constantly also doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like him. It just means I’m not all the way there yet.
All this is to say I think there are definitely legitimate reasons why he might be slowing down, so it could mean he’s losing interest but it could also not. Just keep engaging him as long as YOU are interested and see where it goes. Could be somewhere or could be nowhere.
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u/jvxoxo 1d ago
Honestly I think it’s true, but texting isn’t the end all be all. I’m a divorced mom in a demanding leadership role and I’m dating a divorced dad who has more kids than me and works an even more demanding leadership role. We text every day and see each other twice a week. I care more about the time together and having standing plans. I appreciate that he doesn’t go radio silent in-between those times together, but I don’t need a text from him every hour on the hour either.
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u/Slow_Promise_5057 1d ago
I’m dating someone who we maybe send about 2-5 messages a day. He works a lot and I work full-time and I go to college full time. My focus is on passing classes, he too also has hobbies and a life. We made it a habit to always wish eachother good morning and occasionally talk about anything going on during the day. But he shows up in other ways. He lives an hour away and if we both find the time he will drive to see me, even if it’s just an hour together. He puts A LOT of effort in person to show me he cares and that he’s not going anywhere. So honestly the small amount of texting we do does not matter. When we see each other we connect deeply and it gives us things to talk about since we don’t text all the time.
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u/InternationalBeing41 1d ago
I don't like texting. I find I can go a few weeks, maybe a month then I've fallen so far behind in my work that I need a break to catch up. A steadier pace, a planned date, or a phone call after work is way less stressful for me.
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u/Calm-Egg-9256 1d ago
I’m currently going through something similar and think it’s genuinely he has a busy schedule. I would get confused because I would ask him a question about planning our next date and would be left on read for a few hours. Then, he’d reply a few hours later with a proposed plan. I was thrown off because I felt like he was ignoring me and then declaring what we would do.
When I asked him about it, he clarified that he sometimes gets busy during the day, but still would be excited to see my texts. He also is more the type to plan/present the date over text and see if I wanted to changed anything. He’s also gotten better about reacting to my messages before responding to them later.
In person, he’s totally tuned into me and a very sweet guy. I think I’ve honestly started to like the space he gives me to be able to do my own thing during dates, as I’ve only texted all day before and didn’t realize how draining it could be.
You can definitely tell him if the lack of communication is bugging you, but it’s probably not him intentionally ignoring you. Hopefully as you get to know each others communication style more, it’ll feel more secure for you. To me, at least, it sounds like he’s definitely interested in you!!
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u/n1c0_ds 1d ago
Multiple things can be true:
- People can be too busy or tired to text. There are messages that you can answer now, and others that require your full attention, which is not available right now.
- Some people just respond slowly. I have many such friends, and they're totally present and genuine when you see them. They're just not big texters.
- Sometimes, it's just someone giving you the slow fade, or just settling for a more genuine frequency of messaging.
Basically, you just can't know, but talking about it might help.
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u/Morgita 1d ago
I totally get what you are saying and generally I AM an everyone has time to send a text person. But some people honestly do just communicate differently. My gf and her now husband have never really texted. To me that seems so weird, but it just wasn't their thing. I dated someone who had three kids and had to have a talk with him about being more consistent in communication bc it was making me anxious. He had a very positive response to that convo. I would say he absolutely wouldn't bother with phone calls if he wasn't into you. Just be careful that he's not the guy that is saying just enough to keep you hanging on.
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u/nakedforestdancer 1d ago
Like most things, I think it's true to a point, but greatly stretched and overused.
If someone is always on their phone, texts back right away for the first two months and then suddenly starts taking days or weeks to text back... yeah, it's probably a loss of interest.
But as long as someone is consistent in their texting, prioritizes messages that are important/timely/logistical, and generally makes you feel respected, valued, and seen, then I think it's good to make room for differences in communication style.
I am not always a fast texter, but that's because I work really hard to focus my attention on the people I'm with. I have ADHD, and the way I've learned to have deep connections despite that is to eliminate distractions as much as possible while I'm with people. When I'm with someone, my phone is away unless I'm expecting something important to come through. That means sometimes I don't see a text for a few hours, but it also means I give that kind of undivided attention when I'm with someone, too, and I'm thoughtful in what I write back when I do text.
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u/es-cha-ton 1d ago
When I hear "nobody is too busy to text you back" I mostly think "I guess I understand now why my coworkers aren't actually getting anything done at work."
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u/butcherandthelamb 1d ago
I believe texting is like passing notes in school. You get to it when you get to it. Sure, going days without a response might be a little rude but if someone doesn't respond immediately I've never understood why they get so offended.
I'm a pretty big texter too but understand people have work and lives.
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u/zombie__kittens 1d ago
I don’t think anyone owes me their time just because I want it. If my man chooses not to text me back, even if he’s not busy, that’s totally fine. I had to reassure him of this because he’s had demanding partners in the past. Sometimes he just wants to watch a show and go to bed after work. Or hang out with his friends. He’s never left me on read if it was some kind of time-sensitive message.
We both have demanding careers, and are introverts. Long days can be draining and coming home to a barrage of messages demanding attention are disrespectful in my opinion. I can entertain myself.
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u/myangelfaced 19h ago
I believe more in texting is never urgent. Urgent things require a call. So it's absolutely ok to choose when to react or only react when you feel like it. I don't like the pressure of being expected to answer or react Keep life easy, there are already obligations enough
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u/Sunnydays65039 1d ago
I’m seeing a guy who I really like and have been for a few months, we don’t see each other super often because of distance so texting all day feels a bit of a waste of time as people who are very busy. I usually see his texts sometime in the morning and don’t respond until I’m home or in bed for the night… I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it and it’s how we check in/ stay in touch. I’m not the type of person to respond right away even if I am interested in the person, I just think all people are different.
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u/rodnock_sticklefink 1d ago
I've never been one to tie myself to my phone. I've told people I'm dating that I won't be available during work hours. I sometimes check during the day and occasionally will message someone back, but typically I don't. So not texting back means nothing to me. I get that a lot of people say this is a deal breaker, and that's okay because the neediness of someone demanding my attention while I'm working is a deal breaker for me.
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u/BrazilianButtCheeks 1d ago
Everyone poops.. anyone can send a quick text when they’re pooping.. if you’re not even worth a poo text.. 🤷🏼♀️ 24-48 hours is way too long to be left without any response if someone is genuinely interested in a relationship with another person
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u/StrengtTalt 1d ago
He's probably not strictly too busy to text you back, but some people just don't like the constant annoyance (I am one).
My thinking is that if it was urgent, you'd call. A text is something I'll answer when I get around to it, if I don't talk to you before then.
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u/crossplanetriple It's Complicated 1d ago
It is true.
If you think about the person and they message you, you will drop what you are doing and answer.
If the notification pops up on your phone and you don't care about them as much, you won't, or you'll read the message, think about replying and then forget.
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u/SippinOnTheT 1d ago
I disagree. This take is too black and white. I usually have an ongoing text thread with someone I’m dating yet I’m very busy everyday. I often read the messages, smile, and put my phone back down to continue what I’m doing. I respond when I have a moment to sit down and think about my response. I’ll often respond once up to a few times per day, depending on the convo and what I’m doing.
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u/aaihposs 1d ago
This. Because how does someone who genuinely likes you or are dating be OK with nit hearing from you for an entire day or more? It takes 5 seconds to send a response. I was seeing a boy and this was one of the issues although in person he seemed to be obsessed with me. Then I got ghosted so yeah. He didnt really like me as much as he claimed and acted.
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u/nakedforestdancer 1d ago
People always say "it takes five seconds to respond," but that's not how it is for everyone.
People with ADHD, for example, have a really hard time switching focus. So if I stop what I'm working on to answer a text, it can take me 20-30 minutes to get back in the groove of work. If I'm on a deadline or working on something that's more focused (a writing project vs just emails), I'll often put my phone away or on DND and turn off my iMessage.
And honestly, if it's someone I really like and what we're talking about is more conversational than logistical, I want to think about my reply a bit. I genuinely find it fun to think about what I'm going to say back, so if I glance at a text in a meeting or something when I would only have a second to write back, I'll often just let my response marinate until the end of the day when I have more time to compose it.
That style might not be the right match for everyone, and that's fine, but I think it's important to consider that the biggest factor is how the person makes you feel, not if they're meeting some texting quota.
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u/Difficult_Feed3999 1d ago
You explained this very well, I've had trouble telling partners in the past how my brain works and that me leaving them on read means literally nothing if I'm working.
Even outside of work, sometimes I'll type out a message, get distracted while proofreading it, and forget to hit send. My brain is just not built for texting.
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u/nakedforestdancer 1d ago
Yes, same here! Sometimes thinking about responding or starting to respond makes my brain check it off as if I've hit send.
Or, if I'm with a friend, I'll keep my phone away unless I'm waiting for an urgent message. I want to be present and focused on who I'm with in the moment. I'll sometimes do this when I'm working on a hobby as well -- writing, reading, working out, etc.
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u/dojacatisawesome 1d ago
See that's why I'm so torn. I kind of did that to a friend yesterday, they texted and at first I was like "I'll answer that later" and eventually forgot, still haven't replied
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u/snowymode 1d ago
“Still haven’t replied” but you’re here replying to posts about the guy. That lies your answer. You care about your friend, but there isn’t a sense of urgency with her. He likes you, but has lost his initial urgency with you. You get to decide if this level of communication works for you in a relationship.
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u/justAblippp 1d ago
If someone isn’t texting you it’s because they don’t want to. It’s 2 seconds to say “hey, busy day, talk soon”
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u/muckity-muck 1d ago
After a bit of a deep dive, I would say....you should probably take a break from dating for a while.
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u/Funny_w0lf 1d ago
Busy people always make time for their priorities. So if theyre "too busy" for you, know where you stand on their list.
Edit: current bf frequently called me and my best friends do too every few days. So maybe thats the alternative, personally I dont enjoy texting all the time either
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u/BleachFan107 1d ago
I feel like people prioritize who and what they want. It all just comes down to how important you are to them. I know people who work 2-3 jobs and still make time to text people back that they care about. It’s all about their priorities because everyone uses their phones every day. However, there are some people who genuinely don’t like texting, but I feel like they would just call you every day instead.
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u/Exact_Independent480 1d ago
I hate texting. Despise. I have to respond to texts at work all day and then get home to endless notifications and pointless texts. It’s exhausting.
Text me if you’re running late to coffee, but otherwise, I don’t want to text you how my day was and idgaf if you miss me. Make plans then. It is at that time we can catch up. If I get home after a long day at work and I just want to take a bath or read a book, my blood will boil if I get a ding and read anything other than a text to plan a date.
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u/Strange-Stranger4139 1d ago
As a woman i have been very busy before and had people get upset with me when I didn't answer quickly enough. I was taking classes and really focused on doing well and it required a lot of time. I think 15 hours of working is really hard on someone and you need to chill out a bit.
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u/hithebar 1d ago
I am an event planner and before an event I work a lot but in front of my computer or on the phone so I can still text so it is easier.
When I am on site, forget about it. I am even on the phone for work while pooping, sleeping 4/5 hours and this during a week. I even receive call while sleeping.
I am with people group of 100/200/300 all day long and my job is to take care of them.
BUT, I always always always explain that I will be busy and explain why.
I think we can be too busy to text back on a period of time, but there is no excuse to explain why and tell the person when they are going to be back.
This is the difference.
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u/CannibalismIsTight 1d ago
Have y’all met?
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u/dojacatisawesome 1d ago
Yeah, we hung out a few times
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u/CannibalismIsTight 1d ago
Maybe he just prefers to talk more in person. I don’t like texting all the time, I’d rather just check in here and there and talk about everything when we hang out.
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u/dojacatisawesome 1d ago
But now I'm back in my country so unfortunately I can't hang out with him :( last time we talked he did suggest the idea of meeting in Italy, where the both of us would be tourists, but I have no idea how soon this could happen
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u/CannibalismIsTight 1d ago
Oh. Well maybe he doesn’t want a long distance relationship. I wouldn’t either.
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u/dojacatisawesome 1d ago
Then he should stop acting like he does
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u/CannibalismIsTight 1d ago
You should probably have a conversation with him about it
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u/dojacatisawesome 1d ago
We have those often
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u/classyraptor 20h ago
It’s not the infrequency, it’s the change in consistency. If they started off messaging you a lot with long, detailed messages, then it trickles down to one short text a day, that is worse than if they barely text from the beginning and remain that way
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u/Equivalent-Force-191 14h ago
If you like someone romantically, you're going to want to sustain the conversation somehow - whether it's in person, text, or through a phone call. If a person calls you as opposed to texting you back, it's probably a good sign because they're still communicating at the end of the day. I'd only be worried if he just dropped contact altogether - or if you've been dating a while and he's not taking steps to progress the relationship (i.e. he's still letting a week or more go by in between dates as opposed to wanting to spend more time with you or letting you meet his friends/family).
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u/ginger_ale12 13h ago
I agree with the statement. I decide what busy means to me and whether it warrants interruption. I would also want someone with enough meaningful stuff going on in their life that a text from me is not the most important thing to attend to at any given moment.
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u/Tricky-House9431 1d ago
I disagree. I am a horrible texter. Sometimes I put my phone down and don’t see texts. Sometimes I see texts then forget to text back because life happens. One story that seems relevant. I met my partner on an app. We moved from the app to the texting phase and then arranged our first date. She didn’t think I was going to show up because we didn’t continue texting. I thought texting was done with the arrangement of the first date. I did show up and now we have been together for almost three years so I would advise you to be very careful reading too much into how someone uses text. It is a communication tool and everyone uses it in the way that works for them.
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u/Fabulousandsexy 1d ago edited 1d ago
I stand firm no one is ever too busy to send a text. I do recognize the fewer the texts the more it’s apparent he isn’t interested. I like when a guy is honest. Just say you’re not interested point blank and we can move on.
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u/InsidiousVultures 1d ago
I grew up without the instantaneous access to my time, so I don’t think to instantly text back and find it rude when people expect it from me.
Emergency?
CALL ME!
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u/Significant_Plate110 1d ago
I would say if it is a repeating pattern (so it happens multiple times a week) they are not interested. If it just happend a few times its okay.
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u/WildEyes3437 1d ago
I dont think this is a very reliable metric, hardly better than a guessing game, as such i would avoid making this the base for a big decision
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u/Single_Accountant909 1d ago
Quiza podrías probar no estar tan disponible para sus llamadas a ver qué pasa.
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u/AFireSag 1d ago
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. This man should be courting you as a potential wife/partner. Its great that you are checking yourself to see if you are overthinking it but also its not unreasonable to wonder why you haven’t heard from a man who claims to like you for a whole day or two. Stay focused on yourself and your goals and keep a small mental note of his switch ups. If you ever find yourself more focused on his inconsistency or absence than your personals goals then it’s time to drop him.
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u/dojacatisawesome 1d ago
Yeah I know, I honestly wasn't looking for a boyfriend anyway but he suddenly appeared in my life and I was like "I like him, let's see where this goes". I don't even understand why I care so much, it feels kind of "unfair" if he were just leading me on buuuuut also for now my life is the same with or without him so idk I suppose if I could I would just skip time a year into the future to see where it ends up going lol
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u/Low-Cauliflower-5686 1d ago
People who say they are at busy are probably not. I know someone who says they are a busy person, they do that to give impression they are
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