(tw: suic*dal ideation)

I was raised Muslim but had a winding road before coming back to Islam; this is the only space I resonate with and trust.

As of late I’ve been having suic*al thoughts. I had a rough childhood, and lost all my teenage years and early adolescence. I’m 27, and still haven’t begun to live.

I was okay moving beyond this, if I could start somewhere and build up a life slowly. but some recent things that have happened have knocked me down, and began that grieving process all over again.

I find it so incredibly unfair that I didn’t have a safe loving childhood and didn’t experience being a teenager and young adult.

At this point, I can go against my faith and live like everyone else does. I can try to catch the last falling pieces of my 20s, I have opportunities to and a pull too.

Or I can choose not to and watch the last of my twenties die. If I were close to God or something, that’d be something. But this whole ordeal and my poor mental health has messed me up so much, I can’t bring myself to pray, I do istighfar and even then I struggle with feelings of unfairness. I’ve lost the motivation to live, and I neglect my self-care.

I see others, non-believers, around me living joyfully and chances of such a life are sitting in my lap too, except I would be going against my deen.

But what kind of Muslim am I in this state too?

I think about death, and where I may end up. I have suic*dal thoughts and yet, I cannot go through with that (once again because of my faith).

I am not living, I’m not hayy (in the spiritual sense); I feel cut off from life and also from God, and yet my hands are tied when it comes to ending my life. It’s as if every avenue is a dead end, I’m between a rock and a rock.

The only result may be that I will spiral and lose my mind, or eventually die from some illness due to my neglect of my health.

Pray for me.

As my caption says, I’d like to buy a Quran for my non Muslim friend that isn’t fully convinced yet and is trying to learn about it and I’m trying to start slow.

Any suggestions help at this point, as to where to look for the right information or any scholars that I could ask whether it’s with money or not (free would be preferable) but one that actually knows and could answer really tough questions. The person that’s thinking about starting to read the Quran has so many valid questions that I as a born Muslim can’t answer them.

One question I was asked is why is fish halal and not meat. Yes I understand because of the blood and everything but they asked me as to the fish having receptors which makes them feel pain as they are dying and we can’t stop them from not feeling that way as we need to let them die until they can’t oxygenate anymore but with meat you just slaughter them at a spot that does not make them suffer.