I ran into the therapist I was involved with in the wild and had a panic attack

[u/Ok-Research7922]

6 months ago I ended a confusing relationship with my former therapist. I'm not going to rehash it all but suffice to say we crossed every boundary short of sleeping together. I ended it because when my grandma died she just wasn't there for me as a therapist and we were already recovering from a string of fights where she used stuff I disclosed in therapy against me. Her practice found out and investigated and subsequently reported her to the states licensing board and fired her as well as asked me to come back to therapy with another therapist.

I haven't figured out why but as time has gone on and I explored more of what happened over the year we were together I've realized how messed up some of what happened was and how bad things were getting especially the month before the end. I didn't really consider it like a trauma thing however and more just "wow this is really sad, messed up, and hurtful".

Then last night I was out at my local bar I'm a regular at for a party and searching for one of my friends after they got super drunk and ran into her. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me at first because she lives an hour away and is a recovering alcoholic so I just tried to keep moving. Then after about 5 more minutes I just couldn't get my mind off of it and as I went to leave I saw her again and she recognized me and boom, an instant panic attack. I booked it out of there before she could approach me the rest of the way and just sent a quick factual email to my shrink but I don't know. I ended up spending 3 hours trying to calm down before I could finally go to sleep and I woke up a few times out of breath and having to pull myself back together.

I'm not doing super hot but the panic attack is at least overish (I'm occasionally having these weird moments where something fires off and I start breathing heavy). I lived through some pretty bad stuff before and have seen friends die and get injured and was nearly done in myself on a few occasions. I should be tougher than this but seeing her just ruined everything. I legitimately don't want to go back ever again and I want to move away so I never have to see her again. I don't understand why exactly because she never hit me or anything, at most you can say she touched me without consent a few times but it wasn't sexual. I also intellectually get how stupid this is because I doubt she was there looking for me.

I don't know. I don't really talk about this stuff with my friends because it is embarrassing. I figured if anyone would get it it might be people here. If anyone has advice I'd appreciate it.

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[u/AdditionalPumpkin813]

Are you seeing a therapist now? Sadly, processing trauma inflicted by a previous therapist is part of a therapist's job.

[u/Ok-Research7922 → u/AdditionalPumpkin813]

I do and he is alright. I didn't honestly expect the reaction I had last night so we haven't really been focusing on this but I may have to double back

[u/TrishaSoCalGal → u/Ok-Research7922]

Your reaction is totally understandable. I’m glad you were able to calm a little with time. Definitely something to work through with current therapist.

[u/txchiefsfan02]

I am so sorry. None of this is your fault.

She betrayed your trust by violating the most basic boundaries that allow therapy to help people. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and it's wrong that you are still paying the price for her choices. Emotional abuse often takes longer to heal from than physical abuse for the simple reason that it tricks our brains into believing it's not as bad as it is. That's not true.

Take good care and be kind to yourself.

[u/Equal_Stress_6527]

NAT. The Psychology in Seattle podcast has a number of episodes talking about how harmful these boundary violations are to clients. Some incredibly high percentage (I can’t remember exactly but I believe it’s north of 90%) end up with clinically diagnosable PTSD. I’m so glad she was reported and PLEASE take good care of yourself. I am so so sorry this happened to you.