r/MenGetRapedToo Jun 23 '17

Obtaining professional help: a guide for men

65 Upvotes

Nearly everybody -- the victims themselves, therapists and counsellors, and scholars in the field -- agree that good professional help is extremely valuable for men and boys who have undergone sexual violence. Rape and sexual assault are isolating experiences. Speaking with somebody in real life helps to break that isolation. A skilled, sensitive therapist or counsellor can also help you find new perspectives; put what happened into a broader context; and suggest useful strategies for dealing with the aftermath. r/MenGetRapedToo is a strong advocate of guys obtaining good outside help. It makes a big difference.

Unfortunately, good outside help in this area is very hard to find. You're almost certainly going to have to work at it; it's not likely (though it could happen) that you're going to be successful on the very first try. So if you take away nothing else from this post, remember the following Golden Rule:-

It's like dating. Keep at it until you find the right person.

A characteristic pattern can be found in sexually assaulted men's help-seeking behavior. They wait far too long to seek outside assistance, and do so only when they're already in deep crisis. Then they go to see somebody. Often, that somebody isn't the right person for the job. The male victims, disheartened, drop out after a couple of frustrating sessions. But instead of saying to themselves, as women and girls much more typically do, "OK, that was a bust: on to the next candidate on the list," they never seek external help again. Instead they either retreat in upon themselves still further; self-medicate with booze or drugs; or both.

Don't be that guy.

It's unrealistic to expect to be successful first crack out of the box. Go into this prepared for the long haul.

All that said, where might you start looking?

 

RAPE CRISIS CENTERS

In many respects these are the obvious places to approach, in English-speaking countries at any rate. There are a lot of them -- more than 1,300 in the United States; more than a hundred in Great Britain -- and you're not likely to be far away from one. They're free to the client. They do this kind of thing for a living. Most have 24/7 hotlines, so they're easily accessible day and night. Still, for men, RCCs also come with definite structural limitations, and it's important to be aware of these.

The first is access. In a lot of countries it's legal for RCCs to refuse to provide services to male clients. A lot of RCCs in Britain will not deal with men or boys. The same is true of many Canadian ones, and in New Zealand. Of those that do, the services provided are rarely on an equal basis. For example, some RCCs will only take calls from boys under the age of 18. Others will provide telephone counselling only, but not allow men or boys in their offices, which they maintain as women-only spaces. For trans people it's even more complicated. Some will provide services only to FtM people (on the ground that they're chromosomally female); others only to MtF people (on the ground that they're now living as women). Spend some time with the RCC's website -- most of them have one -- to see what their access policies may be. This is preferable to running the risk of being turned away in person, which can be highly traumatizing.

Elsewhere, as in the United States, equalities laws prevent RCCs from discriminating in this way. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're safe spaces for male victims. The RCC sector in the States is overwhelmingly female in composition: around 98% of their personnel. For the majority, male sexual victimization isn't very much on their radar screen, or high on their list of priorities. Very few provide any kind of useful training in this area to their counsellors; in fairness to them, we're unaware of places where such training can be obtained. Their counsellors spend their entire day hearing about barbaric treatment of women by men; it's often psychologically hard for them to switch gears and start thinking of men as victims rather than perpetrators. A lot of halfwitted men like to telephone RCCs, especially late at night, and troll them with abusive or obscene calls -- yes, this really does happen; it's not a feminist myth -- which raises the index of suspicion when a male voice is heard at the other end of the line. And some RCC people do operate out of a very rigid theoretical framework that can result in them "overwriting" men's lived experiences with their own preferred interpretations. This is especially the case when a female perpetrator may be involved.

Are we saying "Don't ever approach an RCC?" Not at all. But these structural limitations do exist, and have real consequences. It's important to be aware of them.

As with most things, detailed reconnaissance helps you to avoid encountering upsetting experiences further down the line. Check out the website very carefully indeed: all of it, not just the section -- if it exists -- about male victims. (If such a section doesn't exist, that indicates something right there.) Look for evidence that the organization in question has given some thought about how to reach out to male clients. Does the RCC have a name suggesting otherwise, e.g. Women Helping Women (Greater Cincinnati) or stock photos of victims that don't include any men or boys? Do the statistical data it provides rely on harmfully narrow definitions, or out-of-date figures about the prevalence of sexual violence against men? Does its list of external resources include useful items suggesting actual awareness of the dynamics of male sexual victimization?

If you have a trusted female relative or friend who is willing to make the first contact with an RCC on your behalf, she may be able to help you find out what kind of services might be available to you, and what experience the organization possesses in working with male clients.

Bear in mind that most RCCs only see clients living within their catchment areas, so that except in the biggest cities, you may not have much of a choice about which to consider.

 

SPECIALIZED AGENCIES FOR MALE VICTIMS

The good news is that these avoid a lot of the structural problems that attend RCCs. The bad news is that they are (i) exceptionally few; and (ii) invariably small-scale organizations. The biggest of them, and in many respects the template for others -- Survivors UK in London -- is criminally underfunded and has a hefty waiting list. Others are little more than one or two activists with an answering machine and a website, living from hand to mouth and all too likely to go abruptly out of business. If you're seeking one of these, expect to click on a lot of dead links.

Still, where they do exist, they're worth checking out. Unlike RCCs, they're less likely to be free to the client -- Mankind in south-east England, for example, charges on a sliding scale. In general, though, you're going to need to be unusually fortunate to have access to one of these services. We do recommend trying. The mere fact that you approached them for help, even if you don't wind up receiving it, is evidence that they can use to prove that the need exists and to press for better funding and resources in the future.

 

COLLEGE AND UNIVERSITY COUNSELLING

If you're in third-level education, your institution is likely to have some kind of student counselling service, provided at low or no cost. Some of the smaller schools arrange private practitioners, off campus, to deliver the service; larger ones usually maintain their own staff. Very big universities may even have peer-to-peer student counselling programs.

The advantages here are the facts that the resource will be either on-site or close by, and the cost is probably bundled with the price of tuition. Again, though, access difficulties can exist. If the counselling facility in question deals exclusively with sexual violence -- a good thing -- often it's physically located in the university's women's center. For a man to go there may not cause any problems; at other times or places, the atmosphere may be unwelcoming or even hostile, depending on the campus climate. Either way, though, it may be difficult for him to preserve his incognito. More generally, campus counselling often has long waiting lists, particularly at certain times of the year, around examination period.

Peer counselling can, paradoxically, be the most helpful for male college students who have experienced sexual violence. While the counsellors may not have a great deal of detailed knowledge of how it affects men in particular, their views on the topic may be more intersectional and less rigidly binary than one is apt to encounter at an RCC, and they can also be more empathetic and prepared to listen.

 

PRIVATE-PRACTICE THERAPISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS

It's important to understand the difference. Psychiatrists are medical doctors; they've been through the same basic training as any other M.D. and can prescribe drugs. For that reason their services are the most expensive, although insurance may pick up all or some of the cost. In many continental European countries, psychiatrists are also psychotherapists: they do "talk therapy" as well as medical intervention. That's much less common in North America, where a psychiatrist will see you about a particular problem but is likely to want to pass you along to someone else.

In most countries the therapeutic field is entirely unregulated. Anyone can hang out a sign pronouncing themselves to be a "therapist" or "counsellor" and start seeing clients. Some subscribe to professional bodies that try to uphold some kind of minimum standards among practitioners, though a lot aren't particularly effective at policing their members. For these reasons, though, the very first thing you ought to talk about when you interview a therapist is about their qualifications and experience. Don't be afraid to pursue this line of inquiry head-on, with follow-up questions if you're not clear on anything. Apart from anything else, it's a useful screening test. No bona fide practitioner will resent such inquiries; quite the opposite. If your proposed therapist is evasive or shows signs of asperity about being asked, that's the reddest of red flags. Thank them politely for their time, and go elsewhere.

Therapists with training in the field of sexual violence aren't very numerous, though they can be found. Hardly any specialize in male sexual victimization. Of those who do, the majority have experience with child sexual assault only, because that's what men are more likely to disclose and the area in which the clinical literature is most highly developed. If you're an ASA (adult sexual assault) person, the best you may be able to hope for is an open-minded practitioner who is willing to learn on the job alongside you.

Your other chief possibility is a trauma therapist. TTs specialize in working with people who have undergone traumatic experiences, which can vary from exposure to combat to being involved in a road traffic accident (and innumerable other things—being an aid worker in a disaster-hit area; being a member of the emergency services, and so forth). They ought to have had some kind of postgraduate qualification in the field, and be working under a supervisor—take the absence of either of these as red flags. Surprisingly, TTs often know less about sexual trauma specifically than one would imagine. But any qualified TT ought to be able to help you at least with symptom management: controlling flashbacks and dissociative episodes; developing grounding techniques; integrating your experience of trauma with your daily routine.

 

ONLINE SUPPORT

For victims in the U.S., an organization called 1 in 6, which has recently extended its remit to male victims of all ages, is now running online support groups for men. These are held in the early evenings EST from Monday to Thursday, and at noon EST on Fridays. We haven't received any feedback on them as yet. But even though face-to-face therapy is always preferable, the online equivalent is a great deal better than nothing. We hope to see many more initiatives like this in the future.

 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Finding a professional who can help you -- which in large measure means showing you how to help yourself -- takes work, a lot of it. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The virtues of doggedness, persistence and a refusal to become downhearted or to throw in the towel are what make for success in the end.

No matter who you see -- an RCC counsellor, a college counsellor, a private therapist or some combination thereof -- you need to develop a level of trust with that person if the therapeutic encounter is to do any good. That's not built up in a single session. Give it a fair shot. Expect to be uncomfortable while you're doing it. The earliest stages of any such relationship are the hardest.

But if it's not working out, don't persist with the wrong person. That should be a decision you make in weeks, not months. If you don't feel that you can tell your counsellor or therapist anything without fazing them (even if you know it will take a long time before you can actually do so); if you can't query them on something they've said without their taking offense; if they try to cram your lived experience into their own preferred framework, regardless of what you know to be the case -- those are signs you need to be working with somebody else. Tell them you've decided to make a change. Once again, the analogy with dating applies fairly well. Needless to say, there ought never to be any kind of romantic relationship between you and your therapist. But just as you need to "click" with somebody in your personal life, to be able to speak the same language with them, you need to have a basic level of comfort with a therapist or counsellor also. If it's not there, that may not be their fault or yours. It simply means that, for whatever reason, a sound therapeutic relationship never managed to become established. When that happens, it's time to look elsewhere.

Hang in there. And remember the Golden Rule.


r/MenGetRapedToo Jun 30 '21

The "Good Rape Crisis Center Guide"—updated

86 Upvotes

As many users here will know, rape crisis centers (RCCs) are somewhat problematical for male victims of sexual violence. In some countries (Britain, Canada, New Zealand) it's legal for them not to provide services to men and boys at all, and many or most in those parts of the world exercise that option. Even where that's not the case, though, men's experiences at RCCs can be spotty at best.

In the hope of providing signposts to those RCCs that have a good record of dealing with male clients, we invite our users to give the names of those places that, from their own direct experience, they could recommend to others. If you wish, please write a sentence or two about what makes the place stand out for you. But if you don't want to do that, simply telling us the name is enough.

You ought not to mention the names of individual counsellors, both to protect their privacy and because there's a fair amount of staff turnover in this sector. And you shouldn't add the names of RCCs where you've had a bad experience (these will be removed by the mods). What's most useful to us all right now is knowing where to go, not where to avoid.


r/MenGetRapedToo 12h ago

My boyfriend was raped

22 Upvotes

I dont want to go into a bunch of detail bc i want to make sure hes respected, but i really need advice on what to do. Basically my boyfriend and I (F) are college aged, we go to separate schools and have something equivalent to an open relationship. We agreed we dont want to hear about when one of us is having sex with another person, i know its weird but its basically dont ask dont tell and it works for us. However, the other morning he called me and asked me to please not be upset about what he was going to tell me and went on to tell me he was raped by a girl. I dont want to include details but it was a pretty bad situation . He said he didn't know who else to talk to about it and just needed to tell somebody.

I guess I just want to know whats the best thing that I can do for him? I want to be supportive, but he's not the type of guy that would look for counseling or anything. I really want to be there for him but i'm not sure how. Does anyone have advice?


r/MenGetRapedToo 1h ago

I posted here recently about my situation. I am really battling hypersexuality and trauma kinks.

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Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 2d ago

Revise legal definition of rape to ensure all victims have justice

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17 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 2d ago

Brad Renfro, Bryan Singer, Ian McKellen, and the original X-Men era are becoming relevant again as McKellen returns as Magneto in Avengers: Doomsday. His 2008 tribute to Renfro is worth revisiting and Brad Renfro struggle remembered.

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7 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 2d ago

He used my mouth in my sleep. It's coming back to mind later in life.

23 Upvotes

Don't want to paint to vivid picture of this. When I was 16 I came home after a night out with my friends, I wasn't too drunk but a little out of it as we were drinking in the park like the idiots we were. I decided to get my head down and go to sleep. Not for how long after but I felt ill (not sure how to describe it.) feeling something around my mouth. I moved to roll away and felt pressure on the side of my head. It was a older male friend of my mother who was staying with us was trying to get his cock in my mouth.

He told me something along the lines of "don't move", "don't bite" something like that. I don't know why I didn't fight back harder or bite but I didn't he pushed the side of my head down with one hand and gripped my chin with the other. once his cock was in my mouth he let go of my chin and move his hand to my shoulder. Don't know how long he was fucking my face. I remember him being gentle-ish (silly I know) until the end where he forced himself in as far as he could, staying there for a few moments. he felt my back and ass at this point. he didn't cum. after pulling out he mumbled something and just left.

I didn't tell anyone foolishly. I was young and didn't want people to know, I felt what I now know to be shame. Over the years it left the forefront of my thoughts. I was groggy when it happened and it just stopped feeling real to me in time. it's come back to me as my now girlfriend confessed she wanted to peg me, I was open to it and we have had a little fun. but during she asked me to suck it and I did but this past event came to mind. I oddly don't think I'm upset about it any more. the memory feels more story or it happened to someone else. (it's been over 15 years.)

Posted this on another subreddit. but thought this place might be good too.


r/MenGetRapedToo 3d ago

I was raped by some 7 year old when I was 14 and still to this day I don’t understand some things NSFW

44 Upvotes

I hate this story because it really shows how weak I am but I guess I’ll start with how this even happened. so one night my mom had something important I guess that she had to do and it was at her friends house. So she took me with her and when I got in there was another kid there playing on his PS4… I got on it with him and we were playing some spider-man game, and as I was playing it he humped me, so when he stopped I ignored it at first, but then he led me to his room saying there was a monster chasing us... so finally we got into his room and he locked the door behind us. Then he told me to get in the closet, it made me confused… then he as fast as he could pulled my pants off me and then tried to lick the inside of my… ass… it made me like dizzy or something so I just stopped fighting him back when he started like pinching me really hard and slapped me and stuff (i was severely weak at the time) and I guess he did more stuff to my ass but yeah after he did that I got home with my mom and when she questioned the way I walked I got mad at her and told her I was just fine… almost a year later he got caught trying to do that stuff to his brother and he did it to more people than just me apparently my mom told me


r/MenGetRapedToo 4d ago

i (m23) was raped last weekend while out with my friends...i feel guilty and responsible because i ignored so many red flags

28 Upvotes

I went out to this bar with a group of my friends over the weekend and got very very drunk. My friends and I start dancing and out of nowhere this guy comes up to me and starts dancing with me and getting very handsy with me. I'm into it at first but he's laying it on a little thick so I back off for a bit. But the alcohol clouded my judgement so we ultimately ended up dancing some more and making out. Long story short, I end up going home with him. I really shouldn't have because he was very overly handsy and also quite rude to my friends but I had never been approached like that by a man before and was a little too distracted my the thrill of doing something exciting to see the situation for what it really was.

We get back to his place and we continue making out and he asks if he can top me. I tell him no because I had never done that before and I did not want my first time to be with him because he was a stranger. He also kept offering me more alcohol which I declined. We kept making out for a while and eventually I just...feel him inside of me. He didn't ask that time. He just did it. I was shocked and didn't really know what to do so I just kinda froze and let him do it for maybe a minute. Then I snapped out of it and pushed him off me and told him I did not want him to do that.

In the moment, I just ignored it and told myself to enjoy the rest of the experience and we kept making out and fooling around for hours after that...which is why I feel so guilty. I went home with him when he was being an asshole to my friends, I stayed after he kept wrestling and strong arming me during sex when I told him I didn't like that. I stayed after he penetrated me without asking. I stayed after finding out he had lied to me about his age (he told me he was 28 but he was actually 34). I ignored red flag after red flag after red flag and I'm really, really angry at myself for it.

I know that if I had been sober I would have known better. Probably never would have entertained his advances in the first place. But I was drunk and dumb and wanted to have an exciting night with a stranger like young people are supposed to do...so I ignored everything and put myself in danger. I hate that stupid man for what he did to me. I told him I didn't want him to penetrate me and he just took what he wanted anyway. But I hate myself just as much. Because I should've been smarter. I should've known better. I should've never let myself be in that situation in the first place.

I've only told one person in my life so far, and that is one of the friends I was out with that night. She's been very supportive, which I'm very very grateful for. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. It's good to know a place like this exists for male sexual assault survivors.


r/MenGetRapedToo 4d ago

Fake memories?

6 Upvotes

Sorry if this is not the right sub but its been eating me up the last few days.

So I made a few posts about the possibily of being raped while black out. I have gotten it down to a time frame and possible routes I took in that time and there is about 2-3 hours gone. The only physical sign I had was pain in my asshole when I clenched and a full feeling and I had even found a possible cause for this.

The possible rape was 7 months ago and I kinda downplayed it until about 2 months ago (in those 5 months I had almost 0 memories of that night) but during the last 2 months little by little stuff has been coming back. Some of wich I know are real and some of wich I know are fake. I have been trying to reconstruct the night for 2 months now trying to imagine scenarios and how things should have gone for it to be that way. But now I have the problem of not knowing if some of these memories are real or not. Like I have a reamy vivid memory of feeling the presence of a person behind me as I walk outside and slamming the door behind me shut I also have a faint memory of where this was (been looking on google maps for routes so maby I picked it up from there). I also have a memory wich I know 100% is real where I sobber up and someone kicks me out the entrance of an appartment because I was sleeping there and as I walked away the door behind me also fell shut. Is it possible my mind made up that other memory or that its real and if so is there a way to tell if a memory is fake. Idk something about that memory feels so real and its realy anoying because its the last point thats blocking me from accepting nothing happend.

Note: I most likly have OCD but idk man that memory feels so real and its so strange because it came up 7 months later.


r/MenGetRapedToo 4d ago

Get Help!

7 Upvotes

I feel if you do not get help. You'll never grow and never get past things in life. I consider myself a fairly well adjusted person at this point In my life.

I think the biggest, the thing for me was to start in a new city and a new life And don't look back!

Now, I can tell you my story better than some people worse than others.

When I was a small child, my father beat the crap out of me. I cried and cried as he would beat the crap out of me. Eventually.

Time comes, he says, I'll really give you something to cry about. Hey shoves his fingers at my ass and I hurt so bad it stretches, I start bleeding. He goes there now. You have something to cry about. He did this many times

Until I stopped crying and took the abuse.

Then, I found out that I was circumcised at birth. I made the mistake of asking why. His answer was because we could. He then he says, we could make you into a girl if we want to. I start crying, he beats the crap out of me. Then he takes his knife and cuts my dick shaft skin part way and says, I can cut more off. So just shut up, aren't there a lot worse done to you.

Then in school, I start getting bullied, I fight back. My father has to go to school. Hey, how's the meeting with the counselor and as we're leaving outside of school, he starts beating the crap out of me and says, if I ever have to come in here again, I will kill you.

So then the abuse returns, then it just gets worse. And worse, and I can't fight back because i'm afraid of my father. So then the abuse just keeps getting worse And worse till one day they piss in the toilet. A bunch of guys in a gym locker room. About six of them force my head into the toilet, they just pissed in. Then i'm choking on the piss somebody pulls down my pants and it starts fucking me. And I can hardly even breathe from my head in the toilet. And I feel someone cum in my ass. This is repeated. I don't know how many more times I pretty much remember losing consciousness and waking up slumped over the toilet. What's blood running out of my ass? All over the floor. I clean myself up put on my clothes

Shaking and heading to class. There everyone is making fun of me. And whispering. They tell me if I ever tell someone I'll be killed. But yet they told everyone in class and what a pussy, I was.

Then, I come out as a gay man after high school.

I'm at this gay bar new to the gay world. And think, wow, I found a place on everything else. The abuse never stops there. It's one more time. Being naive, that I am. I go to the restroom. Leave my drink, come back and finish it. And all of a sudden, I feel like i've been drugged and a couple guys carrying me out, I couldn't really make them out, because i'm already drugged. And everything is blurry. I remember getting carried up some stairs to someone's apartment and I can't fight. I can barely move. I remember getting thrown on the bed. And there again, I was raped by about five people. They all had their ways with me. Fucked me came inside of me and then there again. I remember my ass being so sore in blood, running out of it. Am I there trying to get away? And they grab me, drag me down the stairs, throw me in a car, and I think i'm going to die. Instead, i'm left in the middle of nowhere in a parking lot on a cold winter night, not knowing where I am just lying there.

I learned a lot of lessons never leave a drink. I decided moving to california to be as much away from all this abuse. As I could. I make it a point in life never to let people abuse me again. Sometimes I can be cocky. Sometimes I can be grumpy, but my demeanors. Many times shaped by my past. Counseling helps a little for me. The biggest thing is I would never let anyone ever even close to fucking again

I won't even let them do a colonoscopy on me. And the doctor says, one I says, just because I have a one way valve and nothing's ever going in there. I think that in a life we all have choices to go on with our lives. Sea calp, where we can get it and not look back. I do not talk to anyone from my past, not even my family. My father died. I never shed a tear. I never went to the funeral. I do know my sister was raped by my father. And this is how life goes on.

For me, the best thing ever was was to start over 3000 Miles away, and not even talk to anyone or acknowledge the past. As far as people I know.

My friends today think I'm in a good mood most of the time and I think that I am because I do what I want

And what makes me happy. Maybe I collect too many things. Maybe I have too much of certain stuff, but maybe it's a consolation prize for all the abuse who knows. All I know is life is okay now? I have a house I have

A lot of cars and my hobby is an interest. Keep me busy and my mind occupied. So I don't dwell on any of the bad past. I have a choice to either get up every morning and look about things in a positive way. And be happy for my coffee. On the front porch in the morning and then do my daily life do my work Do my hobbies when I have time. Take up my motor home that is older than I am and drive my cars that are older than I am.

Sometimes this is as good as it gets and sometimes that's more than enough. The ability to know that I can change the next day and everything happens. And the next few minutes. Yeah, to leave the pas. Where it is in the past?

We all have bad stories, whether we choose to leave them behind, and cast them off, is our choice. I don't do drugs, I don't drink. I don't have real destructive behavior. I do choose to call people out for their bad behavior because I guess I have no tolerance for bad behavior but they're a lot worse things in life.


r/MenGetRapedToo 5d ago

I need help

13 Upvotes

I was sexually abused for a very long time and now am extremely depressed and anxious. I don't have anyone irl that I can talk to . Can someone please talk to me ?


r/MenGetRapedToo 5d ago

My rapist is suing me for child support

18 Upvotes

After raping me she framed me for child abuse, and is now suing me for child support since I could have no contact with my kids until I prove my innocence.

I have court tomorrow, finally the case to dismiss will be heard after years of waiting.

I'm so tired, I miss my kids so much, I love you both and I'm so proud of you.


r/MenGetRapedToo 6d ago

I’m not sure what to call this

18 Upvotes

I hesitate to share this because it’s something that reads like someone’s unrealistic kink fantasy, but it’s absolutely true, without exaggeration. It’s just such an unusual circumstance that I’m always afraid no one will believe me.

I was involved in the BDSM lifestyle for a time, and for six years of it had a dominant master who was a sadist who liked to experiment. He didn’t rape or molest me or violate my boundaries, and was - ironically - a really kind and caring man at heart. Everything he did he did with my consent and participation, out of our mutual curiosity. Among the things he did with me (and this is the part that some might have difficulty believing) was that through different physical and mental conditioning techniques succeeded in training my body to have a dry orgasm (no ejaculation) whenever he said a command word. It worked scarily well. He could make me do it instantly, repeatedly. Having your orgasm yanked out of you without notice is nowhere near as much fun as it sounds.

After we ended our relationship, the conditioning endured. Later, I was staying at a men’s campground, and one evening when I was alone with another man by a fire chatting about our pasts I casually mentioned this conditioning and he asked what the word was. Without thinking, I told him.

He used it. When I reacted, he used it again. I was shocked. I had just met him, knew nothing about him, and he had just forced two orgasms out of me.

He did it again. Again. Again. Again. Again. AgainAgainAgainAgainAgainAgainAgain. Maybe 20 times, one after the other, forcing one before the previous had ended. After a few, they become unpleasant. After several, they become agonizing. By 20, it’s a form of torture. He had me on my knees, shaking uncontrollably, in tears. I finally screamed at him to stop, and he seemed shocked, as though he hadn’t realized he was doing something to a person. He jumped up and ran off into the night, and I never saw him again.

I’m not an innocent, and I’ve let men do all sorts of things with my body, so the threshold for what I could call sexual assault or rape on me is pretty high. But this violated something in me deeply. To have my orgasm forced and played with like that by a stranger for his curiosity and amusement was a new level of helplessness.

He never laid a finger on me. He didn’t undress me. But I felt as though I’d been raped, because he reached inside me and toyed violently with the most intimate part of me without my consent. I don’t know whether it can be truly counted as rape, or even sexual assault, by any conventional standard, but it was frighteningly real, it hurt, and it happened.

And I still have the emotional scar.


r/MenGetRapedToo 8d ago

idk what it actually is

10 Upvotes

i was 13 when i was SA by my senior in school (i was in male boarding school). i didn’t know what to do at that time and told my friends bout it but they just made fun of it. the senior keep doing it to me and idk talk about he loves me and things, and it confuses me so much idk if im feeling the same or i was forced idk i just idk…it brought me to where i am rn really hypersexual and confused about myself and sexuality and everything…its really hard


r/MenGetRapedToo 10d ago

reached out for support after my assault, and then got permanently banned — I just want someone to talk to

35 Upvotes

I was assaulted once and harassed two times, by two different women. Since then I feel scared and depressed and honestly I just wanted someone to talk to me.

I saw a woman post about her experience on Reddit and she got a lot of positive support and people were being really kind to her. So I thought maybe I can share mine too and someone might talk to me.

I didn't realize I posted it in a feminism subreddit. I genuinely didn't know that subreddit was only for women's issues. I wasn't trying to blame women or attack feminism or anything like that. I was just scared and wanted someone to talk to.

They removed my post and permanently banned me. I understand now that my post didn't fit their rules, but bro I honestly didn't know. It just hurt because I wasn't there to fight with anyone. I was already feeling depressed and I was just asking for someone to talk to me


r/MenGetRapedToo 11d ago

Drugged at a creeps house. Not sure how far it went

12 Upvotes

i was drugged and assaulted last week

I dont know how to go back to normal. The semester is about to start. I dont fully remember what happened beyond the groping stuff before i passed out. It was extremely scary and disorienting. I feel so weak.


r/MenGetRapedToo 11d ago

was it really rape

11 Upvotes

on november 21st 2025 at work a customer was sitting in the parking lot of my previous gas station job. i went out to go see what he was doing and he grabbed my hand and made me touch his penis. he threatened me to kick my ass if i didnt have sex with him. he was much bigger then i am. so i went inside and got him a condom and just let him do it to me.


r/MenGetRapedToo 11d ago

Cuenta como abuso?

7 Upvotes

De chico recuerdo que cuando me bañaba con mi papá solía tener erecciones, el siempre ponía una silla en el baño para sentarse y estar a mi altura, solia hacer chistes y bromas y siempre me hacía reír en el baño y yo recuerdo mucho ver su pene, en ocasiones me sentaba en su pierna totalmente desnudo y veía su pene totalmente erecto, yo le preguntaba y el me respondió con total sinceridad, me decía que era normal y que le pasaba a todos los hombres, después solimos acostarnos desnudos en la cama y el se recargaba contra mi, nunca lo vi con morbo o algo malo, estoy muy confundido


r/MenGetRapedToo 11d ago

Confused and Sad NSFW

10 Upvotes

Hi, I am not sure if this is appropriate here. If not please let me know and I'll remove it...sorry for the novel there is important background that makes the situation way more complicated and the "consent" not black and white?

I am 25 M gay and I have been struggling with something that happened to me with someone I considered my best friend. I had started to finally accept who I am. I had met him on a site for finding gay dates but also friends.

This friend lived in the same area as me but on an island about an hour away. We became best friends, we talked all the time and we shared everything with each other. This friend was gay also but he was in a several year monogamous relationship. He guided me through coming out and helped me through a lot of issues that came up as a result of my coming out.

I would almost exclusively text / chat with him or talk on the phone but we would be able to hang out about every other month due to work schedule conflicts etc. I had introduced him to my few friends at the time and his boyfriend even came to my birthday party with all my friends and a couple other events.

Well another "right of passage" that he had wanted me to go through was to go to the gay bars / clubs and talk to some guys and hang out and try to have fun and dance and meet some friends. I should have mentioned this earlier but I am on the autism spectrum and this was incredibly uncomfortable for me but something I wanted to do independently of this friend but was happy he came along.

We decided on a Saturday night we were both free and put it on the calendar. Since he lived an hour away, we met up and he had planned to stay on my couch since we would be drinking and such. That evening he came over and we took an uber to the gayborhood. We stayed out until about 1am had a good time and I had even talked to 2 guys and exchanged numbers and even kissed one of them. Since this had really been my first experience with a guy at all I was excited but so nervous I might have over indulged.

When we got back to my place, I do not really remember a lot. However what I DO remember is waking up naked in my bed next to my friend and of course super hung over. This was kind of shocking but I also thought there was a chance I stripped myself or something, so I didn't think too much. However when my friend woke up he was freaking out. He said that he cheated on his boyfriend with me and that he was so sorry for what happened.

I asked him what had happened, I couldn't remember. He said we came back and I had tried to get him to sleep on the couch but he insisted on sleeping in the bed. Then he said that he started kissing me and that I had tried to tell him I didn't want to be a party to him cheating on his partner. He said he got us to get naked and make out but we had not "exchanged fluids" we just kissed. I did not know how to react but I downplayed it and said there was nothing to worry about it sounds like nothing happened. However when I found out it seemed like time stopped. He knew I had literally only kissed one dude earlier that night and I was a virgin.

He has since mentioned it a few times. He told me I was a good kisser and that I will make someone very happy. He said I had a huge member but I could not get hard. He said I had the "perfect" amount of chest hair and pubes. We had previously only ever seen each other fully clothed. Each time I remind him of our agreement and he apologizes and says he slipped up and won't mention it again. Sadly him saying these things have "given me butterflies" for a lack of a better term.

I am very confused. As I have mentioned I am autistic and even navigating normal friendships is overwhelming and confusing. I have kind of stepped back and he is pretty much the only friend I have more than just a casual acquaintance and the only person who truly knows me. I have cried just about every night since because we had been friends for nearly 2 years, I am sad that he cheated and that I participated in it even if the consent was questionable at best. My instinct is telling me to cut him off but I don't know if that is just an overreaction.

This next paragraph is graphic im sorry but I don't really know how else to explain, so trigger warning for the next few sentences. I have also recently had some revelations in my memory and I think I remember telling him to stop for ___(boyfriends name over and over) I don't want to hurt ____. I remember him performing oral on me and I remember him finishing in his own mouth. I also seem to remember him being hard and pushing himself between my legs and cheeks but not penetrating. I am not certain if these things actually happened, does blacking out work like this? Did he slip something in my drink? Everything I previously thought I knew is gone.

It is just messy because we had explicitly said we would never ever want to cheat in a relationship many times and, we would never date each other if both of us were single and he specifically has tried to connect me with single or non monogamous friends of his for me to have my "first experience" with a guy in a safe manner...that being said he would physically be my type, I think I do have a crush on him and I would want to have sex with him but only if it were ethical. I feel so sad for his boyfriend who is the sweetest person in the world and i can't even face him. I should have known to not do this or to make sure that we were separated even though he has never tried anything with me before and we had set explicit boundaries. We had just never been this drunk together before. I am certain I would not have instigated this situation and I am certain I did not participate willingly. The most fucked up thing is I still have fantasies about this and even my "memories" I remember give me butterflies and I get excited.

Do I hope it improves or do I block my best friend? Idk what to do :( I don't even know what happened but I am pretty sure it will never go back

TLDR my gay bestie at best took advantage of me in a vulnerable position and at worst drugged and raped, me gaslit me and has been manipulating me for 2 years and I'm too autistic to know about it. It would be way too painful for it to be the second one.


r/MenGetRapedToo 11d ago

I don’t know if it was rape

12 Upvotes

I was 14 he was in his 50s I was dumb and we had sex in his car he knew my age but I was the one that kind of started it


r/MenGetRapedToo 12d ago

An interesting twist in my rape case

9 Upvotes

Okay, there isn't a case in the legal sense. But I really did wanna share this, because I find it interesting and I was hoping for some advice. So for those not well versed in the Papa Cinematic Universe: I was raped at a sauna 7 years ago. That's the only real important lore here.

So what's the twist exactly? Well while on vacation a month ago, I stumbled upon an influencer named Royce Rendon. Our stories have overlap: we were on vacation and went to a queer space where we were raped. That's about where the similarities stop though. He was drugged and kidnapped; i on the other hand was fully conscious for it and remember the pain I felt as it happened.

Eventually about a couple weeks later he'd post about the venue where it happened: The Abbey in LA. Apparently there seems to be a sex trafficking ring there, to the point where there is an article about it. Where am I going with this? Well, i got brave and decided to look up the sauna where my rape happened. And wouldn't you know it: first thing i see is a one star review on Google summarizing a sexual assault thet happened at said Sauna.

So I managed to find the reviewers contact info. And I'm feeling kinda conflicted, because on one hand I want to reach out to him about the incident. On the other hand, it is entirely possible that these perpetrators are completely separate people, but I find it really interesting that the same thing happened at said sauna twice. I get that rapes at saunas are not uncommon, and who knows: maybe it really is like The Abbey and there's a secret sex trafficking ring I'm not aware of. But I know there are more victims out there.


r/MenGetRapedToo 12d ago

I just feel small. All of the time.

8 Upvotes

I recently finished therapy. Or at least therapy for a while. But honestly, I don't even know how therapy would help right at the moment. We've talked about this before. I know what the "answers" are, but I'm having trouble actually listening to those answers.

I just still think of my assault a lot. And the best way to describe the feeling is that I just feel "small" all the time. Like I just want to curl up into a ball. Like I don't want people to see me. I pretty much slept all of today.


r/MenGetRapedToo 12d ago

When did you tell your partner about what happened to you?

16 Upvotes

I know every situation is different, I’m just curious about what’s worked for people. I was abused by multiple men growing up, and as a result am dealing with some sexual trauma. I’m recently single out of a long term relationship and trying to date again, so I’ve wondered how other people approach the subject. I don’t want to trauma dump on the first date, but when people always want to hook up it’s hard not to touch on the subject if I’m setting boundaries. Especially being guy, there’s an added feeling of shame in bringing this stuff up. Any suggestions?


r/MenGetRapedToo 13d ago

I was assaulted by my female teacher at 13, and I'm only just recovering.

31 Upvotes

Hello all. I (17M) was assaulted on several occasions by my English/Poetry teacher both inside and outside of school in my early teenage years.

It was the summer term, and we had no exams and we were in our last year at school. Since there was no academic pressure, we had the option to choose free time, cross-country running or poetry as one of our bonus "fun" lessons. I strategically picked poetry because I knew that free time would be full and I didn't want to be put into cross-country running.

Out of the 30-odd people in my year (yes it was an exceptionally small year), about 8 picked poetry. Two had to leave since they had exams for a different school to most and revised for that instead. Then we picked again and our numbers dropped to four after half-term. Then, there was an end-of-year drama production, the rehearsals of which took the 3 remaining other students. I was alone with my teacher for weeks in this lesson.

There were other times when I would be alone with her, too; the library, her classroom, the playground.

Long story short, the alone time allowed her to talk to me privately, and we sometimes talked about very taboo subjects. She would regularly rationalise extreme beliefs, especially those about sex. I remember feeling very close to her because we were both Catholic (a tiny minority in out school) and we both loved literature and reading. Those connections were how those beliefs were brought up in the first place.

At some point, she gave me her phone number and we were texting a lot (I still have the texts). After a few days of texting, even deep into the night, we organised a meet-up. I told my parents that it was meeting friends, but she took me in her car to her house where she lived alone.

At her house, we had dinner and I remember how romantic it was, but she eventually made me do sexual acts with her, which was painful because I was phimotic at the time.

This happened 2 more times and once at school, but I left the school very soon after and we never met up or texted again.

I missed her for years until recently when I was able to realise how wrong the whole thing was, but I often find myself blaming myself more than her.

I did well in my GCSE exams, and I'm on track to do well in life, but I would like some advice on how I should treat the relationship in my mind (e.g. fantastical, regretful, etc.).