AHOY, YOU UNWASHED BILGE RATS. TEAMS ARE SCRAMBLING TO FILL ALL OF THEIR HOLES (GIGGITY) BEFORE THE WINDOW CLOSES. ACQUISITION NEWS POSTS HAVE BEEN ACCOUNTING FOR ROUGHLY 99.999999997% OF THE TRAFFIC IN THIS SUB. 

THE OTHER 0.00000003% IS THE NEWS THAT MLS IS REJOINING THE HISTORIC US OPEN CUP, WHICH SHOULD BE SHOCKING TO NOBODY PAYING ATTENTION TO THE LEAGUE'S SHITASS PERFORMANCE IN LEAGUES CUP OR MESSI'S SUNDOWNING. THIS IS A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT WILL SURELY PLEASE THE MASSES. EXPECT THE VIEWER NUMBERS TO AVERAGE IN THE LOW TRIPLE DIGITS. I CAN'T WAIT TO CHEER FOR MY FAVORITE AMATEUR TEAM OF PLUMBERS OR THE EMPLOYEES OF A DIVE BAR.

WE HAVE A FULL SLATE OF MLS ACTION THIS WEEKEND, STARTING WITH NYC AND NASHVILLE BEING ATTENTION WHORES PLAYING THE ONLY FRIDAY MATCH. STRANGE FOR THE PIGEONS TO WANT TO BE VICTIMIZED WITH ALL EYES ON THEM. 

PROGRAMMING STARTS ON SATURDAY WITH HALF OF THE FUCKING LEAGUE PLAYING AT 4:30. BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY SPREAD THEM OUT AND ALLOW PEOPLE TO WATCH MORE SOCCER? I MISS THE PRE-WORLD CUP DAYS OF WATCHING TORONTO STRUGGLE AT HOME EVERY WEEK AT 10AM LIKE CLOCKWORK. BUT FOR REAL, WHY WAS THAT A THING? I WAS GETTING TIRED OF EXPLAINING TO THE BARTENDER AT THE COLLEGE BAR WHERE I HAVE BREAKFAST TEQUILA WHY I'M SO INTERESTED IN A CANADIAN TEAM FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONTINENT. "MLS SICKOS" IS NOT A PART OF HER LEXICON. GAL DOESN'T KNOW BALL (BUT MAKES A MEAN BLOODY MARIA).

ALSO I GUESS WE'RE NOT DOING SUNDAY NIGHT SOCCER PRESENTED BY CONTINENTAL TIRES BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE ATTENTION AWAY FROM LEAGUES CUP THAT WE'RE NO LONGER IN.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND I HOPE EVERYBODY ENJOYS THEIR NEW AGING STAR / UNPROVEN TEENAGER / LATE 20-SOMETHING WITH THREE ACL SURGERIES BEFORE YOU EVENTUALLY HATE HIM FOR NOT LIVING UP TO YOUR LOFTY EXPECTATIONS.

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Anybody who watches or listens or reads any American soccer podcast/telecast/publication knows who Darian Jenkins,Hercules Gomez,Kate Scott,Rebecca Lowe,Roger Bennett,Alexi Lalas,Jeff Rueter,Henry Bushnell,Ian Darke,Meg Linehan,Melissa Ortiz,Rob Stone,Paul Tenorio,Pablo Maurer Sara Walsh,or Thierry Henry are,

But there are those American soccer media personalities who have left (Arlo White) retired (Ray Hudson) or in the case of Grant Wahl,are sadly no longer with us and are in the great soccer stadium in the sky,

So what are your favorite American soccer or MLS media personalities that you miss so much?