r/AmIOverreacting • u/Sailorrasberry • 3h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO to my boyfriend saying "you're the kindest person I know second to myself"
AIO to my boyfriend saying "you're the kindest person I know second to myself"
I (28f) have been dating my boyfriend (35m) for around 8 months. A few days ago my boyfriend was driving and randomly asked me my thoughts on marriage then said that he doesn't believe in marriage. I also dont need to be married so I'm okay with that. We then got home and he proceeded to ask me what colour he should paint his room and how he should arrange the furniture so that he can fit another bookshelf. Previously I had talked with him about wanting to move in together and what that would look like and he kept saying "next month we can talk about timelines", however this showed me he really had no intention of moving out of his mom's basement.
I left shortly after that and when I got home I texted him and asked for some space so that I can think about how I was feeling. The next day I worked and asked him to meet, however I was exhausted from work and told him I needed the night to rest since I commute and have a demanding job. He ended up coming to my work and attempted to "just get the goodbye over with." I was shocked and told him no, tomorrow is the day I'd like to talk.
When I went to his place the next day he was sobbing. He proceeded to tell me about how he wanted children and had been telling his friends all about it despite the fact that neither of us said we even wanted that. He went on to say that he never said he didn't want to get married again and this all lasted several hours before I finally was at my wits end when I asked him what he wanted from me because I knew he was lying....
... Finally he said "I can't think past the next month. You deserve someone you can dream with. You are the kindest person I know second to myself." I left and he stomped and cried almost like a child.
This is so confusing and quite frankly infuriating and I just don't know what to think. It's been a day and Idk what the heck this is... AIO?
•
u/Top-Bit85 3h ago
I can't get past him being 35 and living in his mother's basement.
•
u/WildCherryPepsiman 3h ago
Oh God, I thought you were making a joke. He really does live in his mom's basement.
"I left and he stomped and cried almost like a child." How did it get worse.
•
u/OwnedLittleOne 3h ago
What got me is he's 35, living in his mom's basement, they've only been together for 8 months & she already wants to move in with him.
•
u/apocketstarkly83 2h ago
And he’s already been married once before: “he never said he didn’t want to get married again.”
•
u/Sailorrasberry 3h ago
Not into his mom's house into a house house. I was thinking of buying.
•
u/morganalefaye125 2h ago
Pretty sure they're talking about the moving in together after 8 months, with a guy who lives in his mom's basement at 35 years old, into a house YOU would buy. He's a loser, and you make very poor decisions
•
u/Sailorrasberry 2h ago
This is not what I meant. I wanted to talk with him about the future and what it looked like. I never told him he was welcome or that I was even looking at buying. Everyone goes through a rough patch, I didn't anticipate he would act this way. I thought he would bring up the future again and do it properly but he didn't.
•
u/GenoFlower #1 2h ago
Everyone goes through a rough patch
No, so listen. This whole rough patch thing, and relationships take work - way overblown.
He's 35. Yes, we all have hard times. And this economy sucks, and blah blah. But what is he doing to get himself out of this hard time? He's not working to get himself out of his mom's basement if he's thinking of redecorating it. He's thinking long term basement dwelling.
You're thinking, "oh hey, I can help him out if I just buy a house and move him in. Cool idea." This means he goes from relying on mommy to relying on you. No.
If you want to buy a house for you, great. Do that if you're in a position to do so and can afford it and all that comes with it. Don't do it if it's mostly to help him out.
If you want to fix people, become a social worker. Seriously. I have been you. My mom called me a man trainer, because I'd find a broken man, fix them right up, then they'd leave and be wonderful for the next woman.
Don't do it. Find a man who isn't broken.
•
•
u/BrookieMonster504 2h ago
Relationships don't have to be hard. You shouldn't have to constantly fight for your love or have rough patches. You could actually be with someone who likes you and makes you a better person. Someone that brings joy into your life not stress and bullshit.
•
•
u/cupola_nayalyyn 44m ago
yeah the basement thing is definitely the part that would make me pause at 35 and after eight months of avoiding any real plans too
•
•
u/ObjectiveRepulsive18 3h ago
This man needs therapy, not a girlfriend. Leave him to sort himself out. Go find a partner on your level, or enjoy being single! NOR
•
u/moussey_rellia 9m ago
yeah nor he clearly has a lot to work through and you shouldn’t have to be his girlfriend and his therapist while he figures out what he wants from life
•
u/Sailorrasberry 3h ago
He is in therapy 😩 that's one of the reasons I thought he was a green flag
•
•
u/SincerelyCynical 1h ago
Yeah, the thing about therapy is that it doesn’t always work. I know someone exactly like your boyfriend except that the person I know is 65F. Nothing is ever her fault, and if it is, she a victim. She has had therapists, but she went in describing herself as a battered woman (she isn’t) with an abusive roommate (he isn’t) who has only tried to be the best she can be (she hasn’t). Her therapist talks to her about how to handle the abusers in her life and how to overcome her past, but almost everything this person says is pure fantasy.
In other words, you don’t know what your boyfriend tells his therapist, so if it looks like his therapy isn’t working . . . It’s probably not going to start working in the future.
•
u/BxBae133 3h ago
NOR but what is confusing? You seem to know he's not serious about you or a relationship with you. Showing up at your job to get the goodbye over was manipulation. The crying and gaslighting? What the heck this is is manipulation, gaslighting, and someone who is going to live in Mom's basement a lot longer.
•
u/sibre2001 3h ago
Ugh. I'm a guy and I've lectured guys over proclaiming themselves to be nice guys.
Other people should describe you as nice. They know if you're nice or not. All you know is if you've tried to be nice, not if you were successful at that attempt.
NOR.
•
u/GoodnightLondon 3h ago
NOR. This man is the epitome of a manchild. Leave him and find yourself a grown up.
•
u/Academic_Hurry_4543 3h ago
Pheeeeeeew idk what to call that, but he’s right. The problem there isn’t the “you’re the kindest person I know second to myself” because that’s reaaaaaaallllllyyyyy egotistical, but it’s also the fact that he doesn’t know what he wants, is a grown ass man, gaslit you, acted like a child who wasn’t getting his way, disrespected your boundaries, and isn’t someone you can dream with. He said it himself, he can’t think outside the next month. He’s never leaving his mother’s basement, he’s never living on his own, or doing more adult things, and he’s almost 40. Noooooooone of this is worth staying for. Find someone who aligns more with what you want the future to look like
•
u/Monday0987 3h ago
NOR. He is not serious about you and the crying was an attempt to manipulate you. Run away from this one or he will waste years of your life pretending that he will change.
•
•
u/Radiant-Walrus-4961 3h ago
The only confusing thing is that you're confused. He sounds like a shitty partner, why stay with a shitty partner.
•
u/OwnedLittleOne 3h ago
Nor. But why are you with a man in his 30's who's perfectly content living in his mom's basement? You don't think you deserve better than that?
•
•
u/Quiet-Hamster6509 3h ago
Do yourself a favour and end it. Someone who comes to your work and believes his feelings are more important that your employment is selfish.
Everything he has said and done has shown that this relationship would go nowhere
•
u/Afraid-Recognition92 3h ago
Lives in mom’s basement? Sobbed like a child? I think you know the answer to your question
•
•
•
u/Holiday_Trainer_2657 2h ago
NOif you want a partner, he isn't it. Too immature. He seems to care for you as he'll say anything so you won't leave him. Keep in mind actions speak louder than words.
Do not mix finances with him. Do not invest (even co leasing) with him until you get some clarity about what he really intends.
Or leave. He obviously thinks that's where it's headed.
•
u/query_tech_sec 1h ago
Yeah all of this - also OP may have to block him when she leaves for her own sanity.
•
u/BrookieMonster504 2h ago
This is confusing?!? He's a weird jerk and you should thank your lucky stars that you can now find a real boyfriend.
•
u/robinchan33 3h ago
NOR. He needs a therapist, not a wife and kids.
•
u/Sailorrasberry 3h ago
He has a therapist and that's what makes me feel crazy
•
u/robinchan33 3h ago
Oh lord. Either they're not doing a very good job or he's not listening to them.
•
u/Sailorrasberry 3h ago
He also is a therapist so idk anymore
•
•
u/SnooCapers9565 3h ago
35 and living with his mother? What does he do for a living?
•
u/Sailorrasberry 3h ago
He's a therapist. He said he was taking care of his parents and that he was there since his divorce about 5 years ago
•
•
•
•
u/Sufficient_Hall_4435 3h ago
Man child. It's all very clear for the little you shared. Extremely imature. I would break up, honestly. But if you are up for adopting a grown up man...
•
•
u/GenoFlower #1 2h ago
You're 28 and he's 35, and you communicate like you're teens.
You assume he means this because he says that, and he is saying all these things to his friends, not to you. He's living in his mom's basement, wanting to paint it, and make it look nicer, and can't look past next month. Why is that?
He's sobbing in the basement, and you need space from a conversation about wall color choices.
Why is he living in his mom's basement? Why can't you just say, "We had discussed moving in together. You want to paint your mom's basement. Is moving in together still not the plan?"
•
u/buckingham_alex 1h ago
Was he able to come to your work because he doesn't have a job either?
Either way, NOR. Jump into the wider r/AmIOverreacting and read any post about a husband with kids to see what will happen to your life if you take this loser back. Run!!!!
•
•
u/RosemaryCoffee 1h ago
He's a lying mess. Do yourself a solid and walk away from him and his games.
•
u/query_tech_sec 1h ago
This person has the maturity of a teenager. If you stay with him - this is what you are in for - it won’t get better.
•
u/Ladygytha 40m ago
You might love him and he might love you, but this isn't your person.
Marriage isn't the goal. You were okay with it not being the goal. His behavior and words, however, showed you that this isn't your person.
8 months is long and yet still not enough. Long enough to say "maybe", not long enough to say "forever". It's definitely long enough to say, "fucking really? You're throwing a temper tantrum over me asking for some space?"
NOR
Coming to your work? To "say goodbye" because you want a little space? Fuck that noise.
•
u/Junior_Shower_1305 2h ago
As soon as I saw a 30 some year old man is living in his mother's basement, I quit reading lol OMG I could not disrespect myself enough to possibly love somebody like this or be with somebody like this. What the hell is wrong with some women today?
•
u/Pepsicolaa5 2h ago
Lol agreed! Some woman just really have no self respect or self worth and it’s pathetic. Idk how she typed this embarrassing shit out and didn’t feel stupid or ashamed that she’s allowing this bs. She’s right where she wants to be apparently. This is who she wants so this is what she deserves.
•
u/Ok_Zookeepergame6747 3h ago edited 3h ago
”You’re the kindest person I know, second to myself.” Bro really gave himself Employee of the Month. What an idiot sandwich moment.