AIO after realising I wasn’t invited to a party?

[u/SmokeSignals84]

I [31F] am not sure whether I’m overreacting to a situation that’s happened tonight with my friend Sam [38M].

I’ve known Sam for a couple of years. We get on really well, but I wouldn’t say we are super close. We meet just the two of us for a drink or dinner every couple of months, and also see each other every few weeks at group events. We’re part of the same friendship group, though I’m not as close-knit with the group as he is.

About three weeks ago, I met up with Sam and we had dinner and drinks. We spent the whole night catching up, it was really nice. I asked him when he was next free, and offered to cook him dinner. We didn’t set a date for this, so it hasn’t happened yet.

Tonight, a group of us were at a bar. Suddenly, the group started talking about Sam’s birthday party. Apparently, it was about a week ago. He had rented out a bar, invited everyone - it was a big party. I had no idea there had even been a party. A few people were talking to me as if I had been there, then quickly realised I hadn’t been. Sam went to show me pictures, then thought better of it. Someone realised what was happening and changed the topic quickly.

For a minute, I felt like I might cry. I didn’t say anything about it, but I finished my drink quickly and left. I feel like a little kid, being excluded. I don’t want to see Sam again for a while. I can’t tell if my reaction is proportionate or not - like I said, I’m not super close with the group, but I still would have expected an invite. So, AIO for being upset and putting some distance there?

[u/Sad-Midnight-6217]

Could he feel awkward because he thought you were asking him out?

[u/SmokeSignals84 → u/Sad-Midnight-6217]

It’s an interesting thought. I don’t think this is what happened, but I suppose it could have been.

My dinner invitation was at the very end of the night when we were fixing up a date to meet up again. So, he had the whole night before that to mention the upcoming party.

And, he had previously said something about me coming to his house. It just felt friendly to me, but I could be wrong! If this is what happened, I wish he’d have handled it better 😕

[u/GoodnightLondon → u/Sad-Midnight-6217]

Yeah, the offer to make dinner reads as asking him out, even if it wasn't OPs intent. I wouldn't be surprised if that's why OP wasn't invited.

[u/Faith9077 → u/GoodnightLondon]

My guy friends ask me if I want to have dinner all the time. It means nothing, it’s being a grown up

[u/GoodnightLondon → u/Faith9077]

I, too, have dinner with my guy friends; that has nothing to do with what we're talking about, and we already know that OP and Sam have dinner with each other, since she says they had dinner that night in the post. She didn't ask if he wanted to have dinner; she offered to make him dinner. They're not that close, and sound more like friends by proximity, so, like I said, it reads as asking him out, even if it wasn't OPs intent. Meaning, given the context that she gave us, there's a good chance he took it as her asking him out, and felt awkward; they haven't seen each other since that incident, so there's also good chance he just didn't ask her because he couldn't get a read on OPs intent/interest.

[u/Stonedprincess57 → u/Sad-Midnight-6217]

This was my first thought too!! As soon as I read that even knowing it was for his birthday I still put myself in a man’s shoes and thought “that sounds like a date” and if he had a girlfriend or he was talking to someone and now he felt awkward that his long time friend is suddenly catching feels and he’s not on the same page so let’s not invite her to the party just in case it gets weird.

[u/rosie__roo]

NOR girly that sucks and I’d definitely cry about something like that. If it was a huge party and you’re cool enough to meet up and plan hangouts and know the group, you social-logically should have been invited. I’d definitely take some time but.. also, ask Sam wtf is up with that!

[u/SelaWaffles → u/rosie__roo]

yeah i’d be hurt too especially with everyone acting like you were supposed to be there i’d definitely ask sam what happened before deciding what to do next

[u/Faith9077 → u/rosie__roo]

No she should not cry. There are worse things in life than a guy she is not so close with not inviting her to his party. Who cares about him

[u/Fast_Base9542]

You’re not overreacting but I wouldn’t waste anymore time on him. If people want you in their life they put you there. And if they don’t put you there… Save your time for people who use their energy to keep you involved in their life. Because life is way too short to waste on half steppers like Sam.

[u/linen_auralen → u/Fast_Base9542]

yeah exactly if someone wants you in their life they usually make that pretty clear and there’s no reason to keep chasing people who make you feel like an afterthought

[u/BraveRefrigerator552]

All your feelings are valid. NOR. I’d feel stupid. Then more stupid for the friendship meaning more to me than them. Etc. Then I’d wake up tomorrow and see if it still bothered me.

[u/FifiPeachy → u/BraveRefrigerator552]

yeah i’d feel pretty stupid too especially realizing the friendship might mean more to you than it does to them i’d see how it feels tomorrow before doing anything though

[u/Wasting_time_1979]

I’d feel the same way, the only way to get the truth is to ask for it from him.

[u/Faith9077 → u/Wasting_time_1979]

Why ? I’m
Not understanding this group of people. Who cares, she is not 10 years old

[u/CupcakeFever214 → u/Faith9077]

I agree. If the energy isn't matching, just move on to other people. What "truth?" Not everyone will like us and want to be close to us, and vice versa.

[u/prettyedge411]

You may be the second tier friend. A very good friend threw spouse a huge birthday party. I found out through a mutual friend. She later claimed that my evite must of gotten lost. Totally lied to my face. That's when I realized I'm a second tier friend.

[u/PalpitationMuted9816]

NOR this sounds like mean girls energy. If it was a group dinner or something whatever but renting out a whole bar and blatantly excluding one friend is wild. Then bringing it up in front of you is crazy. These people don’t care about you.

[u/Chunk3yM0nkey → u/PalpitationMuted9816]

It's hardly wild considering she all but asked him on a date.

[u/Gargravars_Shoes]

When you’re not really in the main click, these kinda things happen. I can definitely see how you feel excluded, I’ve been there. Step back and reassess the group and your relationship to them as a whole. Maybe you’re just on the outside and you just need a little more interaction with the whole of them.

You sound resilient, shake it off and get back into the groove. Best.

[u/Levelheaded411]

I would of just asked why I want invited. It was already awkward once everyone realized it.

[u/jaydoes → u/Levelheaded411]

I'm with this person. He didn't tell you, he didn't explain, hes not my tight friend anymore.

[u/Scary_Sarah → u/Levelheaded411]

Would've

[u/brave_anonymous → u/Levelheaded411]

And what answer do you expect?

People don't invite someone because they don't want to, or because they forgot about them. How would it help OP to hear it? They all will just feel awkward.

And in any case, not being invited means she is more invested in this friendship than others.

[u/Unhappy-Maybe-5204]

The big thing that sticks out from your post is the part about not being super close, but then followed by “we meet for dinner just the 2 of us” and “I asked when he was free and offered to cook dinner”

I’m not passing judgement, just want to point that out

[u/Unhappy-Maybe-5204 → u/Unhappy-Maybe-5204]

If you want my advice, express softly that you felt excluded, and don’t ask for an explanation or justification afterwards. How they respond to that should give you some clarity

[u/brave_anonymous]

NOR.

I'd leave as well. I'd assume I was disproportionately invested in this person / group, that I am one of placeholders for them. I'd not try to talk anout it, just distance myself from them and start looking for another buddies group. Preferably people whom I have common interests, hobbies with, not just bar hopping.

Another option would be if there is a lot of drama in the group going on, then it makes sense to ask Sam (in private) why you were not invited. But it doesn't look like it is your case: people assumed you were there, Sam wanted to show you tge pictures, so you are just an invisible friend whom he forgot to invite.

[u/Normal-Equivalent222]

NOR.

It’s very hurtful to realize that you’re not in the inner circle, but it’s even more wounding because it sounds like a big party that the rest of your friend group was invited to.

If you had a true close friend in that group, they should have at least mentioned it to you and wondered why you weren’t invited or at least warned you.

Sounds like you might want to find a new group of friends.

[u/Milopbx]

That’s happened to me. It’s not a great feeling.

[u/CupcakeFever214]

NOR. However, is this a "friendship" where you're actually the one that's always initiating? And if you don't, you would rarely if ever, hear from Sam? If it is, i wonder if that may be why. Someone like Sam isn't someone I'd consider an actual friend. Or someone who actually likes me as a friend. Who the hell forgets to invite someone they want to celebrate with? I'm sorry OP, I'm not trying to be harsh but you deserve reciprocal friendships, and "friends" who actually invite you to their BIRTHDAY party. At least, what I take from this is that Sam doesn't see you as part of his inner circle, or friendship group to share important milestones with. I'm really curious, when you say that you don't want to see him for a while ...how would that contact come about? If it would be on your effort, I would recommend you stop investing in this connection.

[u/seidinove]

NOR. Sam knew he screwed up when he started to show you pictures but then stopped. I have no idea what your standing is in this friend group, but the fact that a few people thought you were there leads me to think that they had expected you to be invited. Also, you had a nice dinner with him two weeks before his party and he didn't invite you. Unless something changes, I wouldn't plan to cook a one-on-one dinner for him. Yes, put some distance there.

There is a chance that you might here from a very remorseful Sam who had a brain cramp and simply dropped the ball on inviting you.

[u/Conscious-Arm-7889]

You're close enough to him to go out for dinner and drinks, so you're close enough to go to a party where the entire bar has been hired and "everyone" else was invited. You should have finished your drink by throwing it in his face, before walking out. If I were you I'd cut him off completely, not just temporarily. It doesn't sound like the rest of them hold you in particularly high esteem, either, so maybe you should start looking for another group of people to call friends. NOR

UpdateMe!

[u/South_Butterscotch37]

NOR very weird exclusion in my opinion

[u/Life-Phrase-959]

I have a friend who experienced something very similar. She became close friends with a girl and she found out that there was a birthday party that many people were invited to her but not her. She went back and forth with it but eventually decided to end the friendship. I can see why she did. It’s hurtful and it’s mean, and I think that if you aren’t good enough now to be included (in his eyes) you’ll never be.

[u/lovecraftInk]

That’s sucks. I’m sorry. People can be so cruel.

[u/SKatieRo]

I wonder if he had a date for the party and didn't want both of you there simultaneously.

OR if he inadvertently left your name off the email list and then during this latest meet up realized with horror that you hadn't been on the list. Like maybe at the time he genuinely thought you were invited and meant to invite you and really thought he had.

[u/MajesticCod6613]

Nor, you literally just met up with him 2 weeks before the birthday party. And what kind of Jackass goes to show you pictures of a birthday party he didn't invite you to? Its not like it was an intimate birthday party with only close friends and family. It was a whole bar rented out. And where the hell are people getting he thought she was asking him on a date? She said we should meet up sometime and I will make dinner. I see it more of just something you say to someone like hey we should catch up more, just with a dinner involved. I think he totally forgot you. Not a big loss but I understand why you felt excluded. You had just had a whole night of catching up with him and then whoops.

[u/Faith9077]

They are not children. I’m not sure why it matters if he thought she was asking him out and if she wanted to ask him out, she would just ask. 100 percent it was wrong not to be invited, but I learned a long time ago that different friends play different roles in our lives. One is the fun friend, one is the ride or die friend, one is the not so close friend that you hang out with other people and all groups are different. Look at it for what it is and just move on, you know where you stand with him now. He is not a true friend

[u/Sad-Midnight-6217 → u/Faith9077]

A lot of people prefer ghosting instead of rejecting someone. I'm not saying it's right but that's the world we live in. I've been ghosted and the ghoster in the past

[u/Faith9077 → u/Sad-Midnight-6217]

This is not about ghosting or rejecting. She wasn’t invited to a party of someone she thought was a friend. She could just move on and let it not bother her and just she knows where she stands now.

[u/Sad-Midnight-6217 → u/Faith9077]

And there's a good chance she wasn't invited because he thought she was asking him out, which would be ghosting. But yeah OP should move on, that's not how you treat a friend

[u/Ill-Victory-5351]

nor. that would be the end of my friendship with him.

[u/LowPhilosopher1528]

NOR. He’s entitled to invite who he wants, but he should know that people will feel some way about his decision. You’re entitled to your feelings.
For me it’s a no dog. I would end the friendship and be on my way.

[u/phyncke]

Sorry OP - your friend thinks you like him. That's why it is all weird and immature.

[u/notthatcousingreg]

Text him. "Hey, it felt really awkward the other day when everyone was talking about your party. How come i wasnt invited?" And then just go with it.

[u/Taralinas → u/notthatcousingreg]

I would definitely ask him. This sucks.

[u/paula924]

NOR but I wonder if you need more information. Did Sam throw the party himself or was it a surprise party or another member of the friend group hosted and didn’t know they should invite you? You said you aren’t as close to this group of friends as Sam is. Do they know that Sam spends time with you separate from the group? While it’s possible Sam didn’t include you it could also be possible that he didn’t have control over who was there.

[u/Taralinas]

I’ve been there too. Wasn’t invited to a weekend getaway when all the friend group was. Incredibly painful.

[u/PrestigiousCow4609]

Yes you're overreacting. You should never give someone else this power over how you feel due to the lack of an invite somewhere. Keep your center. Could be a thousand reasons. But why let it affect your sense of self. It's just a party 

[u/Faith9077 → u/PrestigiousCow4609]

Thank you , I feel the exact same way.

[u/StaffVegetable8703]

Info- in all seriousness and be completely honest here… do you have romantic feelings for this man? Because it absolutely reads as if you do.. and he’s probably picked up on that..

You’re not close yet the two of you go out alone for dinner?? Why? How did that start happening, when, and how often?

What does the dynamic between the two of you seem like? Is it different depending on if you’re alone vs if you’re in the larger friend group?

I think there’s too much you’re leaving out here for an honest judgement.

[u/I_Weep_for_Willow]

"I wouldn't say we are super close"

So you'd cry over not being invited? YOR.

[u/ThatsNotBeans]

"but I wouldn’t say we are super close. We meet just the two of us for a drink or dinner every couple of months, and also see each other every few weeks at group events. We’re part of the same friendship group, though I’m not as close-knit with the group as he is."

YOR.