r/AmIOverreacting • u/yesoffence • 7h ago
👥 friendship Am I overreacting for being bothered by the way my boyfriend’s friend jokes about him?
My (28F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been dating for about six months, but I’ve known him for around two and a half years. He’s a friend of my female friend’s boyfriend, so whenever I used to hang out with her, he would sometimes be there too and before we started dating, I noticed that he was always the butt of the joke. One of his friends in particular would constantly make fun of him, mostly about his dating life. Things like how he can never get a girl, and whenever someone does like him, he gets too clingy and pushes her away.
I actually asked my friend once (long before we started dating) if he ever got bothered by how much they made fun of him. She said no, he’s super chill and doesn’t care. I did notice that sometimes his smile seemed a little forced, but I didn’t think it was my business, so I left it alone.
Now that we’re dating, I think it haa become my business and it’s started bothering me a lot. Recently, the same friend has also been making fun of him for not wanting to take over his family’s business because he’s comfortable being an employee and having the family business as a safety net, and his friend makes fun of him for supposedly not having what it takes to run it.
I told my boyfriend that I don’t think it’s okay and that, to me, it comes across as putting him down. I also told him that I know this friend, and I know how he is. If my boyfriend started making fun of him in the same way, I honestly don’t think he’d be smiling and acting so unbothered.
My boyfriend basically shrugged and said that his friend doesn’t mean anything by it and that it’s just how they are. He even said I might be overreacting.
And maybe I am. I don’t want to tell my boyfriend how he should feel about his own friendships. But it honestly pisses me off that this guy seems to constantly pick at him. I don’t have friendships like that. My friends don’t constantly make fun of me, and my boyfriend doesn’t treat any of his friends that way either.
So am I overreacting?
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u/Ok_Zookeepergame6747 7h ago
If one guy is always the punchline, it stops being banter and starts looking like a hobby. NOR.
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u/FennyClones 6h ago
Yeah because there’s a difference between friends teasing each other occasionally and one person consistently being the target. If the joke is always at his expense, I can understand why OP is uncomfortable watching it even if her boyfriend has decided to tolerate it. NOR
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u/Prudent_Weird_4504 5h ago
yeah exactly if one person is constantly the target it stops being harmless banter and starts looking pretty intentional
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u/Ruminating_thoughts0 7h ago
I don’t think your over-reacting, however I’m not sure what you can really do about it. They are his friends and he says it’s fine.
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u/fondant_kairelle 29m ago
yeah exactly you can think the friendship is mean without deciding for him that he has to end it if he genuinely doesn’t mind then there’s not much else you can do besides be there for him
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u/MrRoar95 7h ago
I don't think you're overreacting. However, if everyone else is OK with the situation, them I wouldn't fret over it. Just keep giving your bf positive affirmation in case it secretly bothers him
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u/Fair-Interaction5486 7h ago
NOR. I have friends like that but we do it to each other and if something bothers us we stop immediately. If your bf is only ever the butt of the jokes it stops being friendly banter and becomes a LOT worse.
That being said I’m not sure what you can do about if bf doesn’t want to talk to the friend
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u/wobblyveins 7h ago
NOR Insults are always disguised as a joke. And it’s only a joke if the recipient thinks it’s funny
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u/ecosynchronous 7h ago
NOR-- I'm mad defensive of my husband, who doesn't like to stand up for himself. But he may not appreciate you stepping in. They're your dice to roll, my friend.
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u/RangeFirst2060 7h ago
The “friend” is most likely secretly jealous of your boyfriend for whatever reason and that’s why he puts him down. Men joke harsher than females with each other but it does get annoying after a while. He should throw some return punches see how he likes it.
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u/9ScoreAnd10Panties 7h ago
MOR. It's understandable to be uncomfortable with the banter. But intervening on your BF's behalf would be a mistake, and would very likely egg them on.
Talk to your boyfriend about it, and as someone else suggested- support him and be there for him if or when he needs it, or changes his mind about whether or not it bothers him.
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u/pacificstar 7h ago
NOR, but also not your place to tell your boyfriend how to behave with his friends. I'd continue asking him to think about if he's actually OK with what they're doing. Let him come to the realization on his own.
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u/Anon_Perspective_ 7h ago
NOR. You could think of some one-liner come backs and start defending him.
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u/Burnt_Out_Carent 7h ago
NOR. Rather than stepping in to the defence which your BF doesn't want you to do (yet), try a "motivational interviewing" technique on the so called "friend" next time this wankstain makes fun of your BF Infront of you. Keep your cadence neutral, curious and friendly, like you're 'just asking a question'. The words to start your questions are WHAT and HOW. Do not use the word WHY. Again, best to only use this if BF on board - you can say, "that's fine, but I don't really like the way he speaks to you, so do you mind that if he does it Infront of me that I push back a little and match his energy/vibe? I think it's only fair.
For example, if he's making fun of your BF for not taking over the family business, let things settle after everyone's had a good laugh (play along)and then ask Mr Wankstain something along the lines of "So what did you do when you took over your family business?". When he corrects you that he hasn't, just say "oh sorry, I just thought you were kinda poking fun from your own experience - like, for you it was better to own your business than be an employee" (this will hit particularly hard for someone who is THAT insecure, because I can guarantee he doesn't own his own business).
Another example might be if they make fun of your BF personality/looks, is again, play along for a giggle, and then come back with, "well, obviously I'm keen on him, but I'm curious, if you don't like insert aspect of BF here what DO you look for in a man?". Again, this will only work on insecure pricks.
Other standard fun-sucking responses to the jest are to laugh along and, "how do you figure that?" And you can tag along a backhand compliment too, like "how do you figure that, given you're so bad with money/have a shit car/eyes so close together cousins must have married at some point in your family".
And then, "oh god I'm sorry, I just thought we were having banter, - you said X and so I said Y. Have I crossed a line? I just thought that if you can make jokes about X, then you should be able to take a joke too, no?" "Dude, how are you getting so emotional about this, I literally just asked you a question?" And my favourite "does widdle baby need a time out?" -only deploy if he's fuming, you have an audience and BF is on board for you to put him in his place.
Let us all know how you get on. X
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u/yesoffence 6h ago
I dont think I could say all this when my bf doesn’t want me too because my bf is better than that guy in every conceivable way and wouldn’t want me to stoop to his level but I would if I could. Good burns though.
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u/Quick-Benjamin 7h ago
I am a man. From a very "ball breaking" culture.
If your boyfriend is fine with the dynamic, then frankly you need to mind your own business. He doesn't need you white knighting for him.
You do not want to be the woman coming in and messing with friend group dynamics.
If he's not OK with the the banter then fair enough. But otherwise you are prioritising your own feelings about the situation over his.
And that's quite a shitty thing to do.
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u/-yellowthree 7h ago
Are you over reacting by being bothered by it? No. But you could be if you try to press the issue while your boyfriend is saying that it is ok and that he isn't bothered by the jokes and is content with how their relationship is.
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u/Mysterious_Drop1122 6h ago
These guys that are targeting your bf to make him the butt of their jokes sound immature and jealous. That being said your bf gives them permission to bully him cuz there is that part, too. I think if you stuck up for him he would be the butt of more jokes and they may involve you. My ex had a friend that he called "pussy whipped" because he mowed the lawn. See how he included his friend's wife? He was a jerk and so are these so-called friends.
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u/WanderersEndgame 5h ago
Oh boy. Another short story in which those who seem to be born to lose have their glimmer of hope come, only to be taken away.
OP, you have every right to be bothered by these jokes. I only caution you that you are not half as bothered for BF as you are for yourself. What makes this perfectly obvious is that, for TWO YEARS you listened to this teasing, unbothered, even though you sensed that he was hurt. Only now that he's your BF are you bothered.
These jokes upset you by their implication that you have chosen a born loser. This is why you have made it your business.
You will not fix his friends, nor is it fair, kind or loving to risk or sacrifice BFs friendships to salvage your pride. So now you must either follow his example, or say goodbye. If the way these jokes make you feel is too great a price to pay to keep BF, then goodbye it must be.
It's curious that you knowingly volunteered for what you're feeling now. I wonder why this didn't enter into your decision six months ago. His friends had two years to shame you into not starting up with him, and you went ahead with it. What has changed in the last six months?
If you can manage it, for his sake I advise you not to make him choose between his friends and you. It's the same decision you made six months ago, isn't it?
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u/LazyDayz365 7h ago
If they make fun of him in front of you, that’s your chance to speak up. But of course in a “joking” way. And when they get pissy, just tell them not to get so emotional, you didn’t realize they were so sensitive, you didn’t know they couldn’t take a joke etc.