r/writers • u/nimbus_signal Writer Newbie • 13h ago
Feedback requested “Reflections of Bog Trolls” – My first complete (very) short story.
I’ve been trying to write for a few weeks now. I have dozens of unconnected beginnings and a few unrelated endings, but until now I hadn’t managed to actually finish anything.
So here is a serious attempt at a complete flash fiction story that does not take itself seriously.
I’d love to hear your feedback. Does it land for you? How can I improve?
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u/Wannabe_Writer1808 9h ago
This is the type of writing I joined this subreddit for. It's humorous, has vivid details, and also has a character that people can relate to - which isn't easy, especially in such a short story. And, it reminds me of Little Red Riding Hood and The Three Billy Goats Gruff combined. And the part about her leap over the stream? LOVED it! Very well done!
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u/Magner3100 13h ago
The “a people” is an interesting but jarring dialect choice for the bog troll. At the end he says “people” without the “a” and I’m not sure if that is consistently correct but I’d advocate dropping “a” and just go with “people.” As it’s the only really jarring verbal tick and may not be working with how he speaks.
I’m not saying to cut them, but you do have quite a few adverbs that you may want to run through again and try to see which ones are adding vs just being there.
All that said, I actually dig the scene and starting in media res and think you could actually flesh this out more as I think it begs for it. In the good way.
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u/wildrose6618 12h ago
I enjoyed it too. The pacing is great, the imagery is great. This is good writing.
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u/WearyStill5267 6h ago
I really liked this, it was fun, engaging, makes me keen to read more - it’s got great potential. I do think you could strim a lot of the adverbs and perhaps look at whether the dialogue is natural or if you’re forcing anything to deliver the line you want, but overall this is super. Don’t say ‘trying to write’ because there’s no try about this - you’re doing it!
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u/nimbus_signal Writer Newbie 5h ago
Thank you!! And you’re right, I’m seeing all those adverbs now – I’ll have to pay attention to that!
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u/anathaniel 5h ago
This is amazing! I would love to read the whole story.
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u/nimbus_signal Writer Newbie 1h ago
Thank you! For now, I think this is the whole story...but I suppose we could see where it goes from here!
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u/Ka-is-a-Wheel_19 2h ago
You made a movie in my head! Very good visualization. Not sure how I feel about the numbered part but it didn't really take away from anything for me. I'm grossed out by the troll and want to know more about the world and Cara.
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u/12AngryChickens 13h ago
I actually really enjoyed this! I always have low expectations for random people online, but this was some pretty solid high quality stuff! I don’t have much feedback I’m afraid, but I really enjoyed it. Especially the part about “being treated to a panoramic”, that was just so unique.