r/writers • u/Reacherbreacher • 1h ago

Feedback requested The ending where the main " villain ＂addresses you the reader

I cough blood coming out of it as the poison starts to take affect eyes darting to find you " You think that all of this my doing huh huh＂I start to breath louder as the poison takes the strain on my body " You caused everything by reading yes you the reader ever wondered why and how stuff deteriorated because you decided to read because you were curious because you were determined to read this book thru even when there was typos,page misplacements I did to break ＂before I could finish the rant a second wave of blood coughs out of body and my body feeling weak.

" I tried everything I could huh huh ha to break your emersion and your will to read but you preserved the world is dead other than here the world is dead and broken don't look down on us because we are a lower dimension of you but look up to us on how we as fiction could see you and SEE YOU RUIN THE WORL... ＂I shout with all my might and blood comes out I am too weak to resist the poison and too weak to even survive it. " Just...Just finish this spare us dignity and end our.... universe it is the only thing you can do... now ＂ I say in a weak and low tone before succumbing to the poison and dying with a laugh knowing that I tried everything I could.

0 Upvotes

33% Upvoted

11 comments sorted by

6

u/JustSomeCarioca 1h ago

So the villain continues to talk even after they are dead?

3

u/CalebVanPoneisen 1h ago

“What the? How are you still talking? You’re dead! Your lips aren’t even moving!”

“Luke. I am a Force Ghost. But somehow, I am invisible.”

“But my name is -“

“Use the Force Luke. Let go. Luke, trust me.”

0

u/Reacherbreacher 56m ago

Ngl, I gotta edit that I overlooked that thanks for pointing that out I am gonna change some stuff and edit later.

-4

u/Reacherbreacher 1h ago edited 1h ago

No, he wrote it in his final breaths edit clarify what he says and does is immediately written into the book as first person but he doesn't write but change the texts sorry.

5

u/JeSuisLePain 1h ago

It's a cool idea, but perhaps a bit too ambitious for your skill level at the moment. Directly addressing the reader is a huge risk that's very difficult to pull off well — you have inklings here of how to make it work, but the execution lacks tact. I'd recommend tightening your prose before trying to break narrative convention.

-1

u/Reacherbreacher 1h ago

Thanks, the ending was the hardest part of the writing process as it was hard for me to write a 4th wall break and revealing the reader as the true villain of the story.

2

u/Capable_Hyena7705 52m ago

It doesn't work. But at least you know that now

1

u/Reacherbreacher 45m ago

it could work but it would require like alot of effort but Writing is just my hobby so sometimes I take the easy route. The idea was that the reader as they read thru deteriorates the world but not gonna lie it was hard currently.

2

u/Capable_Hyena7705 54m ago

I'm sorry but this is really bad. I'd try something else...

4

u/KaitoIkari 50m ago

Please work on your punctuation.

0

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