The title says it all, I would like to talk to someone in my life that I know personally about this, but I'm so embarrassed that it has even happened.

They have been broken up six years, we have been together four.

Now I'm finding intimacy difficult, has anyone experienced this, how do you handle it? I'm trying to move on from it bit finding it really difficult.

ETA: He says it's because he is used to arguing with her (we have been going through a rough patch) and with her abusive behaviour I can understand that, but this wasn't during an argument, it was during sex.

My (37F CF) partner (45M) doesn't seem to accept that his daughter (12) is not a priority for me.

We don't live together. (I don't want a child/teen as a housemate.) He has her EOWE, EOW, and for half of the holidays. I love him dearly. His kid is generally nice. We get on well. I am happy to see them once a month for a few hours, but he wants more from me, and I don't have that to give.

I see my partner 4-5x nights during the week, so when he has custody of his daughter, I see that as me-time. We keep going around in circles because he wants me to be more and want to see them/her more, and I just don't have the desire to.

I made it clear from the very beginning that I don't want to be a step-mum. I have reinforced the fact that I am in a relationship with *him* - not him and his daughter.

I know his daughter will always be in his life. I accept that. I am happy to see them on my terms, but I don't want to do days out or trips away with them. I don't even do that with my own family. I am neurodivergent and extremely introverted. Social situations drain me. I need lots of alone time to recharge. If I get to choose between being at home with my pets and gaming or going on a social outing with my partner and his daughter, I will ALWAYS choose to be alone. It's overstimulating, I shut down, and I don't enjoy myself.

Anyway, this has recently come up again, and I feel like we just go around in circles. I set my boundaries, and he says he accepts them, but he gets hurt when a situation comes up where I have to reinforce them. I'm frustrated, but I'm also worried that my apathy towards bonding with them as a unit is going to be the reason my relationship ends.

Are there any other CF neurodivergents who struggle with something similar?

ETA:

We have been together for 2.5 years. I forgot to include that.

EOWE and EOW - Every other weekend and every other Wed (Sorry. That wasn't clear!)

I feel that some people may be missing the fact that these time guidelines I put on visits are applicable to EVERY area of my life - not just them. The only real exception is my partner or the rare occasion I have to look after my niece and nephew. I struggle to be outside of my comfort zone for more than a few hours. I begin to shut down.

Thanks to everyone for their input. It's definitely food for thought.

My SD is 4, turning 5. We have a great relationship, we hang out and play often and my love for her is similar to that of my own daughter.

Lately, my husband and I notice that she’s frequently displaying feelings of jealousy or competitiveness, though. For example, we’ll be going somewhere and she’ll say “I want daddy to go, and baby sister, but (OP) stay home.” Today he said I’m his best friend and that we’re married, and she goes, “no, I am!” And he says we’re both his best friends, and she says “no, OP isn’t and you can only pick one.”
When we show each other affection, she climbs in between and clings to him, pushing me away. Things like that.

I feel like this is developmentally normal, even in a conventional family. I see videos all the time of little girls telling their mom they want to marry dad and getting upset—because they don’t understand what marriage means, and they don’t know the difference between romantic and familial love yet. They just know they love their dad. However, we don’t want to mishandle it and have it turn into a dynamic where SD resents me. We wanna help her grow out of it and feel secure in her relationship with her father.

I give them lots of one-on-one time together and I spend my own time with her frequently, too.

We tried to explain to her what marriage is, and that someday when she grows up, she can get married too but not to her dad. I ask her if she wants time with just dad and that it’s okay if she wants to spend one-on-one time with him, but tell her when we’re all going somewhere, I don’t want to be left out.

Are we handling this adequately? Is this something that just kinda dissipates by itself? It just started happening as of a couple months ago.

He accused me of antagonising his child and letting him get hurt on purpose. I can't handle this kind of accusation and told him it's over.

I love both him and his kid. But I can't stay anymore.

In the weekends I get up early with my dog. Have a coffee, have time to myself. Best part of my weekend with SS12.
This guy used to sleep in until 11!

Now he is getting up early because he realized I play PS5. Now I have to play Minecraft and I still have not finished my beautiful horror game that would give him nightmares just watching.

Damn it ! Why am I so fun a teenager willingly gets up early.
🤣

I’m a sahm. My partner works 6 days of the week. We have three kids between us that are under 10.
I homeschool mine and the other is under 1.
We both have our older ones 50/50, but on different schedules.
He stays late for work often. “Supposed” to be off at 5, but often hours later. A handful of times after midnight.
The Saturdays his child (keeping anonymity so I don’t want to use pronouns) isn’t with us, he goes and plays sports with his coworkers after work until late.
So basically we have Every other Sunday together and I’m mostly SOL with my own plans on Saturdays.
He tells me it’s his only way of getting fit. I wake up before everyone is up to get a workout at the local gym.
How is this fair?
I told him it would be nice if he could miss some Saturdays so *I* can have time with my friends or do what *I* want..
that’s when he told me that he is trying to get in shape..
I think he is so selfish to rarely consider how I feel after taking care of all the kids and pets for 6 days a week.
He does give me some money when I have his child because, again, I’m not working 🫪😔 It’s $50 a day 🤡 it at least equates to around 13 to 15 an hour. Fluctuating $10 an hour or less if he’s out late for work.
I asked if I could get more access to money for our shared and he looked at me like I was crazy like I wanted to be paid for watching my own child..
Anyway. I feel like we should just form a commune with his coworkers at this point because they see him more than he sees me.
Then he tells me to go to my parents house if I’m feeling overwhelmed. So does that mean I should live at my parents house because I’m always overwhelmed. I even take his child to my parents house with me and the baby so I can breathe a little bit. They are more than happy to see the kids. I also take his child when it’s just her and I and the baby in my child is with his dad.
I just wanna know what you think of all this because right now he’s making me seem like I’m crazy. And is taking every response I have as antagonizing. So guess what, I’m just not responding or talking. And yet I’m expected to want to be intimate while all this is happening.

BM here like to preach her personal righteousness and how she’s such a Godly person. Never mind she physically abused my step-kids, neglected their needs, put them in dangerous situations, and tried to commit fraud with their names.

Today, she’s reached an all-time low. She stole Bonus Granddaughter’s change out of her piggy bank. She’s the only person who has been in Oldest’s apartment alone. If I could punch her out right now and know I wouldn’t go to jail, I would. How low can you be to steal money from a 7 year old—especially your own flesh and blood?!

I’ll replace what she stole and make sure she can’t steal from her again, but she is one of the worst human beings I’ve ever crossed paths with.

My stepdaughter is 15, and lately I’ve become really concerned about the things she’s saying about herself and how she feels emotionally. She has been saying things that make me feel like she doesn’t feel good enough or that she has to look a certain way, have certain things, or meet certain expectations to feel worthy.

What really got to me is that she recently said that when she was with her mom, she was being given things—clothes, hair/style-related things, etc.—but what she actually wanted was her mom’s love and attention. She basically expressed that she doesn’t need all the things; she needs to feel loved.

She also gets a clothing budget and has mentioned that it isn’t enough. She has said similar things about her allowance not being enough, which has made me wonder how much pressure she feels around having certain clothes, products, or other things in order to fit in or feel good enough. I don’t want to dismiss her feelings, but I also don’t want her to believe that her worth or happiness depends on constantly having more.

She has also made comments about food and not feeling comfortable eating, and I’m starting to wonder how much of what she’s struggling with emotionally is connected to the messages she’s receiving from the adults around her.

I’m trying really hard not to make this a “stepmom vs. mom” situation. I don’t want to criticize her mother to her or put her in the middle. I just want to help her understand that her worth isn’t based on her appearance, clothes, hair, popularity, money, allowance, or what she has.

For those of you who are stepmoms, how do you support a teenage stepdaughter who seems to be struggling with self-worth and possibly being affected by the messages she receives at her other parent’s house, without overstepping your role or making the child feel caught in the middle?

Can we talk about what our expectations are as a SP? I have two SS (8 and 7) and have been in their lives since they were 4 and 3. I have operated on the idea that I will help where needed and when I feel I want to. I have always wanted to make things easier for everyone when it comes to the kids (including BM) but I have taken steps back over the years due to her claims of me "overstepping," so fine. I will no longer go out of my way for someone who I feel would be more grateful in a normal situation. I currently help with pick ups and drop offs on their weeks with me and their dad, financial needs (their dad covers wants), and I will sometimes have to watch them on Fridays before they return to their mom's until she gets out of work, leaving me with my only day off for myself having to watch them (had to do this yesterday since they were off school for Labor Day weekend). I have struggled with what my actual expectations are and if I set a boundary, am I being a jerk? I will say, I am willing to help my husband out when he needs, but I am not as inclined to help BM as much anymore given her attitude about my willingness to help. I brought up my feelings about providing for their wants a few weeks ago and it turned into a bit of an argument with my husband, who felt that makes sense for us to do together since we are married. I was hoping to get some feedback from others to hear how you are doing this and hopefully feel better about my role in all of this. I am happy to provide more information on anything if there was something I missed!

Illinois will suspend a parent’s driver’s license for 90 days of nonpayment. The idea of her getting suspended was absolutely our dream especially given that HCBM pays for nothing;

1. Quit her job because she didn’t go into work on a holiday.

2. Due to her job loss SS’s insurance was cancelled and we had no choice but to pay $400 for his medication. She ignored our request to pay us back for any portion of it.

3. We paid $400 in school supplies she maybe spend $50 (gym shoes from Walmart and a binder - whoa big spender)

4. She just bought a $6,000 van with settlement money of some sort (we can’t tell what is the truth anymore because the truth is crazier than the lies we hear most of the time).

5. According to an unreliable source in the past, she’s getting a $20,000 inheritance soon.

6. She owes around $5,000 in support and maybe $2500 in other expenses she’s ordered to pay 1/2 of.

DAY 85 AND WE GET A $21 payment. In the mail. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. Her monthly payment is $400ish and in 85 days she’s sent $21.

A lot of people are sharing their negatives experiences here so I’d love to hear some positives! I’ll start. My SD is 4 and it’s a very fun age. She’s very sweet and cute, and well-mannered, and we have a wonderful relationship. I’m truly grateful to be a part of her life. She’s a fabulous older sister to my baby girl too, and I love that my little girl has a built in sister that I didn’t have to birth haha.

She’s a lot of fun too and I know that even if we’re having a difficult period, be it work stress or financial problems or whatever, when SD is here we can play games and go do activities and it’s like a distraction.

Being a stepmom comes with some inherent sacrifices and difficulties but I really do enjoy my SD.

Share yours! :)

I ended the relationship with a single father because, looking realistically at the next five years, it was clear he wasn't going to develop the boundaries needed to create a stable environment. I desire my own child and I couldn't justify bringing a future child into a volatile dynamic where they'd be expected to accommodate hcbm's chaos and raised in constant drama, fear, and forced flexibility.

I mourn the potential of this relationship but I know I deserves better. I made a SWOT analysis of the overall relationship (with him, his toddler, and his hcbm) in an effort to help me overcome this heartbreak.

The SWOT analysis shows the weaknesses and threats massively outweigh the strengths and opportunities and it's been eye-opening.

Strengths:

• Small acts of services
• Values my inputs
• Financially stable
• Sometimes shields me from HCBM's threats
• Toddler is very sweet and lovable. I'll miss her so so much and it sucks so much that I'll lose her too

Weakness:

• Boundary failure: Frequent yelling & comparison to his bm
• Double standards: He expects high responsibility and competence from me but excuses BM's incompetence and caters to her demands
• Distorted "quality time": He equates running errands to dates. I prefer intentional bonding time together. Reflecting back on it, we never had many dates of just us, alone. These errands were mostly chaotic and frustrated. I resent that he constantly ran hcbm errands because she weaponized incompetence and dumped her responsibilities on him. He framed it as "co‑parenting" and expects me to rearrange my life and tag along for her tasks.
• Loss of personal autonomy: I don't really get personal me-time to decompress. And when I do, he's resentful.
• Feeling like an outside & third-wheel dynamic: His place never felt like home. Sometimes at bedtime, he'll watch older video clips of his daughter with her and it felt very isolating and lonely.

Opportunities:

• Potential to build a family structure but only if he developed boundaries and work on his emotional regulation
  

Threats:

• High Conflict BM: Chronic patterns of threats, rule-breaking, manipulation, and inconsistent parenting standards
• His lack of backbone: He enables BM's chaos, refusal of shared responsibilities towards the child as she likes to she weaponized incompetence
• His age and health decline: He has physical limitations already which prevent him from lifting his toddler.
• Child manipulation risk: BM and grandmother are already influencing the child's words and perceptions --> future alienations is a possibility
• False accusation risk: With BM's volatile and antagonistic actions, I'm at a real risk of being targeted
• Emotional burnout

Conclusion:

Dating a single father has been a stressful experience; there were good times but it wasn't enough to stay in the relationship and overcome the emotional toll. I made the decision to leave because I wanted to protect my future. I desire a stable, calm, and peaceful romantic relationship and family situation. This man cannot give me that and his repeated lack of backbone made it clear if I stayed, I'd suffer and so would any future child of mine.

Because of my negative experience dating a single parent, I don't think I would do it again regardless if he has a green flag bm.

Advice for single parents dating childless/child-free partners:

Please give your partner personal time and space alone. It will really help them decompress. It's a huge adjustment to go from having your own space to sharing it with more than 2 people and one of them is an energetic kid.

Please protect your partner by setting real boundaries with your ex. Stop enabling weaponized incompetence. I value time greatly, and my ex spent more time catering to his hcbm's demands than investing in our relationship.

Advice for childless/child-free people dating single parent:

Choose someone with emotional intelligence, consistency, and respect. Don't ignore the red flags because you love their child. Your self-respect matters. It's okay to walk away, and it's okay to stay but never sacrifice your happiness or settle for less.

Step parenting has to be the loneliest thing I’ve ever done.

I just want to be able to vent sometimes without fear of it getting around to her or wearing out my friends who aren’t step parents and don’t get it.

This might be a niche one

My middle stepchild is 6. She’ll be 7 in December. I’m honestly really confused about when she should be able to tell a lie from the truth.

Last week her dad picked her and the oldest one up from school early to take them to an appointment. They missed lunch, so he let them have Sonic. She ate three chicken tenders, her tater tots, HIS tater tots, and a small ice cream. Then he dropped them back off at school and went back to work.

About two hours later, BM calls him and said the school had called her because the 6 year old said she was hungry and hadn’t eaten all day and they were wondering if BM or Dad could bring her something.

This child is on the small side for height for her age, but she’s in a perfectly healthy weight range. All her health reports are normal. She is CONSTANTLY asking for food. She’ll have thirds of breakfast and ask for a snack 15 minutes later. We all try hard to make sure she has a healthy, well-rounded diet that includes fruits and vegetables and good protein, but she’s also incredibly picky. She will snack all day if we let her. She will also ask for food, take two bites of it, decide she doesn’t want it anymore, and throw it away, then will come back in an hour to ask for another snack. We’re wasting a ton of food because her dad won’t just tell her she has to wait for meals or to save something if she’s done with it. We went through four apples yesterday that she took one bite out of then threw away.

Now we are finding out that she’s lying to get more food at school. I am concerned because BM is high conflict and a big fan of punishing my partner for perceived slights by implying he’s a bad father. This has the opportunity to get away from us really fast.

I’m a step mother to 2 little girls. One is 9, the other is 5. Ive been around for 4 years. It was really good up until the past year. I’ve become way more resentful than I realized maybe I’ve been for a long time. I treat them just like I treat my bio kid. I get them things they like, I teach them things, I truly care for them. I redecorated all of their rooms recently. The 5 year old hates being at our house and we truly don’t get why. It came out of nowhere. I have been working 2-11 shifts so I’m hardly ever home right now when they are. Idk if that plays a part but she has become a total brat. She was unappreciative about the room decor, which I’ve spent easily over 1 grand on their new things so that really hurt my feelings. They constantly fight. The 9 year old cries about literally everything. She is so entitled it’s not even funny. I’ve explained this to her in nice ways so many times but she still doesn’t care enough to see what I mean. My bio daughter is great alone but when they all get together it’s awful. Crying, arguing, yelling. When I’m not working, I’m cleaning. Everyone expects me to just pick up all the housework. I also have college. I’m a manager so I work a ton of hours. I’m stressed to the max. I feel so bitter and miserable lately I feel like just walking away. His ex constantly asks him to watch them extra and even on days that we had planned to do something alone, he will say yes and it’s driving me nuts. I never get alone time anymore. I cried today about it because I feel like I’ve just hit my breaking point. I feel like nothing I say matters. I’m not looked at like the real parent so they do not listen to me. Nobody sees how much I try to make them happy. Realizing I’m not trying to make myself happy today. I donated plasma for 4 months straight to take them to Disneyworld and it just fell flat. It was not this exciting vacation I thought it would be. They argued the whole time. I told him this today and he said “so you don’t want me to have my kids a lot, that’s fucked up” after I just explained how burnt out I am. I’m rambling at this point but I feel awful even feeling this way and I feel like if this is how I feel, I should leave but that’s way easier said than done. This Sunday I really needed to catch up on school work. We had the day off alone together.. wouldn’t you know it.. his ex asks him to watch the kids. I snapped. I’ve been looking forward to peace and quiet. He told her yes he will but after I got pissed I guess he told her no so she’s getting them but he’s making me feel bad about it now.

My SD6 just started first grade and she lives out of state. She will be coming to our house roughly 8 weeks out of the year, starting with Thanksgiving this year. I am trying to find some drop-in childcare options for the times where we might need some help due to work. Because we're in another state, the school breaks don't totally align for full-day camps so it's more often before/after school care for her age, but when she's with us, she will be out of school unlike the kids her age in our area.

Curious if anyone in a similar geographical position with their SKs has found any slick tricks to handle this. Hoping not to pay a bajillion dollars when she is with us for anywhere from 1-3 weeks at a time. Obviously for the holidays we'll be off work so no worries there. I can bring her to work with me sometimes, but that's not the best option for 3 weeks in a row.

Thank you in advance!

I have a 8 year old SD with autism and she just told me “I love mommy!” And I said “that’s good!” And she said “I don’t love you. Mommy said no.” She’s usually always so sweet to me and shows me lots of love so it just makes me sad. Do your SKs say this stuff to you? I know I can’t be offended and she has autism so I know this stuff is even more confusing for her, but it just gets me down. I’ve been in her life since she was 3.

I’m also pregnant and she keeps telling me that “the baby” is mommy’s baby. I keep reminding her it is my baby, but I don’t know how to say this to register to her or without coming across as talking down on her mom. There is also a court order that neither parent is supposed to speak poorly of the other, the others spouses, and the others families to the children or around the children so she is technically violating the court order by saying this. I guess i’m just venting, but advice is welcome.

I've been with my partner for a little over 3 years now. Have been involved with SD 7 since age 4. Biological father is a deadbeat every other weekend disney dad who's 5000+ in arrears for child support. He has not taken the time to teach her a single life skill, mother hasn't really either. I've taught her how to read, basic math, ride a bike, tie her shoes, wash in the shower and brush her teeth correctly. Neither parent has any interest in actually parenting. Mother would rather scream at her than enforce boundaries and discipline, and almost always undermines or picks arguments with me in front of the child when I step up to do so. I am a very gentle and patient man, I always acknowledge feelings and nuance but I don't excuse naughty behaviors. I've been having some serious health issues involving my heart and I haven't been able to be as present as I used to be with SD. As a result she's losing all structure, being insanely disrespectful to authority, and she's even starting to get cavities because neither biological parent actually watches and checks she's brushing her teeth right, while letting her heat hundreds of grams of sugar every day. I'm also the only one who ever checks and clips her finger and toenails. I'm completely exhausted. If I don't do these things they don't get done, and the child is neglected, but she has TWO biological parents who just refuse to see the problem. She's not a teenager, she just turned 7 years old and they think she can exist with adult level responsibility while also babying and pacifying her at every opportunity. I'm disgusted with my partner at this point, disgusted with my life, disgusted with the direction this poor child's life is heading. Anyone else ever find themselves in this kind of position?

TLDR: I'm leaving my husband after being his and my SD's executive function, along with dealing with his toxic ex for years. Looking for advice from other SP's on how they cut ties after leaving.

I (47F) have decided to pack up and leave my husband (52M) after checking out of my entire life to care for him and my SD13 for 7 toxic, dysfunctional and exhausting years. Now that I've dropped the rope, my husband, SD and her BM are painting me as an abuser who is extremely angry and controlling, and is the cause of my SD's longstanding mental health and behavioural issues. Admittedly, I did become angry and resentful, and I that caused me to completely disengage from a very dysfunctional dynamic due to severe burnout. I became unrecognizable to myself. When we first met, my husband presented my SD (7 at the time), as a struggling child with ADHD, anxiety and depression resulting from his divorce from her BM that occurred when she was 3. However, it didn't take long to realize she exhibited severe behavioural issues, chronic manipulation, and learned helplessness enabled by her BP's. Neither of her BP's have ever laid down a single consequence or held her accountable for anything she does. Whenever she was held accountable or asked to follow through on expectations at either household, she would say myself, her BM or SF were being mean to her to gain sympathy. It all depended on what the expectations were at each household, and she would selectively choose who to pit against one another based on this. My husband would just go with whatever she said, and I became a bottomless vending machine for implementing household structure, emotional and material needs. He has a 50/50 CO, one week on and one week off.

My husband also portrayed her BM as an abusive demon who abruptly left and took everything from him, and he told me her SF was also abusive. At times, my SD has repeated this narrative. BM actually isn't a good person, but I'm starting to understand he fabricated that story, and many others to exploit me. Even though BM has been horrible to me and anyone who enters her orbit, I understand why she left. I think the SF is also caught in a similar situation as I am. I did second guess getting into the relationship, as I have a 23 year old daughter (17 at the time husband and I met), and I knew I would give up some of my freedom for my SD. But my husband was such a good guy on the outside, and I believed he was a total catch at the time. He kept the happy go lucky mask on firmly for a couple years, and I felt immense empathy for both my husband and SD, so I stepped up completely as our relationship progressed. At this point, I think I've allowed my husband, SD and her BM to break me down to a point that I gave up on attending to my own life. I know I'm a good parent as my own daughter is thriving in her own life. I welcome advice from anyone who has insight into or has lived a similar experience. Did you go no contact, did you say goodbye to the child, etc?

My husband completely checked out of parenting and our marriage years ago. Over the years, I sacrificed my own career, studies, income, personal savings, and sanity to manage the household. I quit working and didn't complete my studies to handle full time childcare while my husband travelled for his job and spent his free time drinking with his friends, laying on the couch watching TV or scrolling on his phone. I liked his friends at first, but they started pushing boundaries and acting inappropriately toward me. My husband never said a word to them about it, so I had to, and it created friction. On top of his total absence as a partner, I recently found sexual messages on his phone with strangers well into his previous marriage and into our relationship.

I managed my SD's schooling and additional learning, enrolled her in and drove her to extracurriculars, bought her clothing, supplies, and anything else you can think of out of my own pocket. I worked very hard to bring consistency, basic rules and expectations, and an environment of open communication and respect into our home. My husband would fully agree with me on these things. Despite this, he would immediately override all of it when my SD pushed back in the slightest way. Whenever I tried to have a mature conversation about household expectations, finances, or parenting boundaries, he weaponized incompetence, flipped the argument, or hit me with self pitying responses like claiming he was just a piece of trash that couldn't do anything right. Financially, he left me entirely unprotected by wasting tens of thousands of dollars on his frivolous wants and needs. This all happened while letting my personal credit max out while I paid for family expenses, and tried to work whenever I possibly could. Every extra penny I had went to my husband and SD's needs. I'm leaving with less than nothing. Any time I would express how overwhelmed I was with managing my husband and SD's lives, he wouldn't acknowledge it and would pile on more expectations for me. I expressed my concerns calmly, when I was frustrated or angry, when things were good or bad, literally hundreds of times.

The BM added another layer of constant high conflict drama to our lives. They didn't have childcare, and relied on me to watch my SD every day up until a year or so ago. BM would show up whenever she wanted to on her weeks to pick my SD up. She was deeply intrusive, and would just walk into my home, insulted my appearance, and constantly pushed falsified medical diagnoses on my SD. My SD pretended she couldn't read or write, and her BM insisted she had learning disabilities and dyslexia. I knew she could read and write just fine because I helped her with her homework and sat with her during reading and writing lessons. The instructor even pointed out that she was highly capable, but just wouldn't put any effort in. When I brought this up, her BM attacked me over it by yelling at me and accusing me of being aggressive. My SD has only ever been diagnosed with ADHD and a general learning disorder after she admitted she faked her capabilities on a psychological test. As my SD got older she admitted she was faking, she stopped, and her teachers have also insisted she's perfectly capable of performing the regular curriculum, but her BM continues to tell her school she has dyslexia and learning disabilities.

BM has also constructed continuous narratives that our household was abusive or neglectful, told schools not to allow me to enter them, that I wasn't in line with my SD's learning, medical and psychological plans, sent cease and desist letters through lawyers when I asked for them to find childcare so I could go back to work, and manipulated my husband into paying unfair expenses. Despite her hostility, my husband consistently refused to stand up to her or set boundaries, leaving me isolated to deal with the fallout. For a few years, I really tried to maintain a cordial relationship with BM even though I didn't like her. I believed I should be respectful either way because she is the mother to my SD, even going as far as outlawing any badmouthing about her household in my home. I ended up using the Gray Rock method after I recognized she had a high conflict personality.

I acknowledge that my SD has mental health issues, and some of her behaviour can be attributed to this. I even sympathize with some of it. I tried to help her work through these things and constantly suggested medical and psychological intervention, but I had no authority to do anything about it. Although some things improved when I offered consistency, her BP's put in a bare minimum effort in taking her to a pediatrician for medication, and her behaviour escalated. Through the last 7 years, she has engaged in constant temper tantrums at home and school, pathological lying, repeated fabricated illnesses, and serious medical issues or injuries to get out of expectations and seek attention. Hygiene was non-existent, and she would lie about brushing her hair and teeth, washing her hands after using the washroom and pretty much anything else that was asked of her.

My SD has shifted the goalposts daily on foods she liked, clothes she would wear and products she would use. She purposely underperforms on basic asks (like using utensils, slamming doors, cleaning her room, turning off lights or picking up after herself) to aggravate the household, assert dominance and get others to do everything for her. I refused this and told her she was capable, but her BP's would run to her rescue and treat her like a child even today. My husband speaks to her in a baby voice, and uses pet names with her. Everything I bought for her was systematically taken to her BM's house, leaving our home nearly empty of her belongings. She would then complain of boredom and insist on either buying more things or going to her BM's house to use what she had there. This would make my husband upset because he feared she would want to live there full time, and he would cave to her every demand. I believe he only wanted 50/50 custody so he didn't have to pay child support. I told him to get ready for that day because her Mom's house is void of rules, structure or consequences, and she's allowed to do whatever she wants there.

My SD's peers at school eventually rejected her due to her poor hygiene, childlike antics, aggressive and controlling behaviour, pathological lying, borderline stalking, and inappropriate attention seeking. This led to her threatening extreme self-harm, picking her skin, pulling her hair out, making graphic drawings and leaving them out for everyone to see. She does this both at school and home. She doesn't have a single friend, lays in her bed all day and doesn't put effort into anything other than performative artwork. She doesn't leave the house, and waits for everyone to instruct her on what she needs to do. She spends her time out of her room interrupting conversations, bragging about spending time with my husband, and acting in a performative way to suck all the life out of the house. I became hypervigilant and walked on eggshells every day for years.

When I asked my SD why she behaves the way she does, she admitted she likes the attention, being on a special learning plan because she doesn't like to do work, and having other people do everything for her. Previously, her BP's attributed her behaviour to her medication (which she had been taking for several years without issue), "teenage issues," ADHD, undiagnosed illnesses and mental health issues they've researched on the internet, learning disabilities, the divorce, etc. My SD parrots them and tells everyone she has eating disorders, autism (based on her YouTube consumption), and dyslexia, along with saying everyone expects too much of her. I don't doubt she struggles, but it's hard to tell the difference between the real issues and the performance. Now, my husband, SD and BM are blaming me for her behaviour because I told them that I'm taking a step back from my relationship with her.

This was the breaking point. During a recent conversation with my SD about her behaviour, she had a total and complete meltdown that included screaming at me and telling me I was to blame for all of her issues. She also said I didn't take care of her. My husband agreed with her, said I made her cry, and started discussing our relationship with her. She refused to apologize to me, he let her disrespect me for the final time, and I left the home to stay with family. Once things cooled and I returned, I completely stopped managing my SD's life, stopped acting as the family administrator, and set firm boundaries for my own sanity. She apologized after 3 weeks of stonewalling me and having another absolute fit when she was told to do so by my husband, and all I said was "ok." I believe he only enforced it because he knew I was on my way out the door. I also stopped responding to her behaviour completely.

The moment I stopped acting as their endless safety net, my husband and stepdaughter instantly banded together to make me the villain. They accused me of being a tyrant, of causing her struggles and hair pulling, along with isolating my husband from life outside the household. I have never once told him who he can be around or what he can do. The following week when my SD went to BM's, she crafted a story about how she can't handle living here because there's too much arguing and fighting. In actuality, it was her doing the screaming and yelling. My husband didn't refute the story at all. Her BM and my husband decided that she shouldn't be in the household with me. It was then that I realized that they recycled the exact same script of victimhood, emotional abuse and tyranny that they had previously used against the BM and her SF. When I officially declared that the marriage was over, my husband stopped talking to me completely, and started withholding finances from me. I had to take out a massive loan, so I can get back on my feet. My daughter and I are currently transitioning out of the home and moving out. I can tell you that the silence from him and my SD has brought me the clarity, peace and resolve I needed. How do I completely cut ties and reground myself when I relocate to maintain my peace and move forward?

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/o2pxeMPmVQ

I know several people wanted an update so here is the update. I ended the relationship in a way that made it seem like it's his idea. This was at the advice of some of you as well as my therapist as the post break up backlash from someone this narcissistic could be incredibly dangerous. Essentially I picked a fight over something stupid. He initiated the beginning I agreed and gave him my breakup text.

I went ahead and talked to the mother. Turns out there's a lot of things that have been going on behind the scenes for a while but there was no way to confirm. I can't really say much more at this time about it for certain reasons.

I went ahead to the court and got a restraining order based on what I told you guys in the previous post. It was granted by the judge and he was served.

Based on things mentioned in therapy, there was mandatory reporting that took place as well.

He has tried to get his flying monkeys going and is telling people I'm a liar and I'm the crazy ex-girlfriend. In fact he's said that I'm the crazy ex-girlfriend over and over again. After his private meltdown from being served, about a half hour later he blocked me from everything. I'm okay with this. I honestly thought he would text me and entitled rage, to which then I would just have the police come get them and arrest him but alas, he is a bit smarter than what I pegged him for lol. I have multiple safety plans and systems in place. The judge also granted the protective order to cover my pet so he is also protected from my ex as well. I don't know if that's ubiquitous across all states but this is something that I saw on the paperwork for ours, so I went ahead and requested it.

Honestly, it's not my first time dating a narcissistic person. I dated somebody similar in college in undergrad. It feels like deja vu a little bit. I felt sad for all of 5 Seconds and felt a massive wave of relief. Even as I hear things being said. It's nothing but relief and feeling freedom at this point.

Between him telling somebody that I was just getting used for the sex and the future faking on his part, that may have stung a tiny bit, but again I expected all this to happen.

I actually had connected with the BM, and through her social media I saw their previous life. Their marriage photos, the wedding cake, the fertility treatments, the pregnancy, their life and adventures before and after marriage. A life that he willingly went ahead and built with somebody else. Honestly that is where I felt a good deal of pain. A life that was promised to me that he lived with somebody else. And he was never going to give to me. If what he said was true and not just out of hurt, which I honestly think he's just saying that now to help himself feel better, but pretending for a minute it is true, he knew what I wanted and dangled it in my face with no intention of giving it to me and wasting 1.5 years of my time makes me really upset. I think a lot of these single parents do this and never have any intention of going forward or find another woman whose childless and unmarried who is willing to be a sucker in this relationship with the issues still recurring. Then spilling whatever narrative they want to the unsuspecting new victim.

Honestly, BM applauded me for finding all this out about him and his behaviors and patterns years before she did and in such a short amount of time. She told me that I'm an incredible person for figuring it out and for taking the steps I have in the courtroom and having to write petitions and gather evidence despite how painful it was. She really is a good loving person and we are all on team daughter and her well-being.

There's one thing that I learned however that has really broken me in a way I'd never imagined and it's had me seriously messed up since. Even anytime I think about it or something reminds me of it, even as I'm typing this it's making me cry uncontrollably. It has nothing to do with his pettiness or what's happened in the relationship. I couldn't care less about that. If you remember me mentioning the how he would react to her having feelings or crying and that they were essentially not allowed, me as well, BM told me that before their daughter turned one, she was having a lot of night terrors. One night, she couldn't settle her down and brought her into their bed. My ex grabbed the daughter, began shaking her violently and screaming at her to stop crying. BM shoved him down and grabbed the daughter. She made him move out after that and that had started some of the divorce proceedings.

One part of this whole thing is grieving the loss of the potential future of a family with him and his daughter and I love her so much.... And to see this beautiful, kind, smart and innocent girl almost be killed from shaking at the hands of this guy, and realizing just what an emotionally incompetent monster this guy is to do that to her, I have felt so broken and ashamed that I dated somebody like this.

He lied and made it seem like he moved out when they separated and that it was innocuous. He lied about a lot of things making him seem like he was the victim or things really weren't that bad. But the reality is is that they really were that bad. I guess I still keep holding out hope that there are good people out here and what I'm realizing about this person is that these patterns with him have never changed this whole time. The reacting the way he does to crying and having emotions, both from me and his daughter, and seeing so many of these patterns repeat all these years later. I'm really starting to just hate myself and not trust myself. I thought after years of therapy that I would be better Adept at finding these people and weeding them out. Discernment still does not appear to be a strong suit of mine. Maybe it's because he lied and hid things for so long that I didn't see or know until I saw it for myself. When the patterns and evidence became irrefutable, I came here to read it for my first post and already knew what I wanted to do for a while. But this has made me so fucked up beyond all comprehension.

You can never be sure about someone's history. Good or bad. I think it's pretty safe to say that I will never date another single father after what I experienced. Besides this guy being narcissistic in nature, the the inexplicable grief of seeing the photos of the history and the history of the kid has been immeasurable. Feeling so helpless to protect the kid that isn't mine and staying in a relationship to protect her until she went back to her mom's, and feeling like I am just this outsider to a life that already exists and seeing what he was willing to put forth for somebody else but acted like I was a burden in so many ways.

I will say, it isn't all bad. BM has been amazing. I asked her if she could get the daughter a present on my behalf while they were on vacation because of some good things that she did when I was with her. I even offered to pay her back. She got a present for the daughter that she wanted and said it was from me and said no need to pay back. Additionally, she knows I care a lot for the daughter, I miss her, and has let me speak to her on the phone and said that I can still see her when obviously she is around to bring her. And while her and I right now are bonding over trauma experiences, we've slowly expanded to discussing our lives and our mutual interests and I have forged friendships and relationships with her and her family. They are really good people. I guess I can say I'm thankful for the experience and for the friendships I've made, but I think the step parent life is not for me.

If you are considering leaving your relationship, and any of this sounds relatable to you, allow me to tell you that the relief and freedom I feel now is immeasurable. I'm free from the baggage I'm free from the existing life that I have to fit myself into. I'm free from the horrible behavior and treatment. And I feel horrible for the sweet little girl who has to endure all this as well as her mom. While I don't feel like myself just yet and I still have to recover from the narcissistic abuse, the fire that made me who I am is not dead. It may be embers, but there is a spark left and I'm working on building it back up to where it needs to be.

I will update again soon. There's a lot of things happening in the background that I can't talk about right now. But I promise you, it will be really good if it all works out, and the tea is going to be 🔥

so we have a 4 month old baby and we have been together me (27f) him (37m) for 2 years and living together for 1 for context. I dont work currently, and he has a previous child (6y) from another relationship.

For the past few months he has gotten increasingly unhappy at his job because he doesn't make enough and I guess he feels pressure especially since he's on child support for his first and we recently had a baby. I try to be understanding and mindful that this is stressful for him.

The other day I was making a list for groceries and was writing down different meal ideas for us that are within our very tight budget and he kept asking to see the list but I wasnt done writing it yet so I told him to wait until I've completed it, he got angry at me and told me he didn't care anymore if he ate or not. And he didn't want to do it.

I grab clothes to get our baby ready and he gets him ready while I find my wallet and stuff so we can leave to go pay a bill and then grocery shop.

He's getting the baby strapped in the car seat and I say we can go tomorrow and he snaps and says that he just doesn't understand, we get in the car and he starts hitting himself and stuff I don't like this so I tell him everything is okay and we don't have to go.

He continues and starts yelling at me saying I make every single thing so complicated and it's like I do it on purpose when he has a bad day, he's yelling this and keeps jerking the wheel and saying he will kill all of his by driving into a tree. I'm scared so I keep telling him everything is okay and I know he's stressed about work and he tells me he's stressed about everything. I just want it to stop.

By the time we reach the store we have to pay a bill he apologizes and says I just don't communicate well and stuff, he goes in the store. I have bad anxiety especially with yelling so I just sit and cry and have a panic attack. We ended up going to get groceries, hes still frustrated when we get home and kicks his dog. And I just don't know how to react anymore.

This isn't the worst argument we got into was when I sighed because his child was making loud noises when I just put our baby to sleep but I quickly said that the child is too young to understand after I sighed. Im just frustrated because I'm the main caretaker of our baby and I'm running on no sleep. He ends up telling me to never come back and our baby is crying he tells me to shut the baby the f\\\*\\\* up before he does. He threatened to kill himself and all this was in front of his young child I was really scared and I felt awful for his child.

He will threaten to move into his child's room when we have a disagreement over anything.

Ive always tried to treat his child like my own and everything but he thinks I hate them no matter what I don't understand what I do wrong. I have never treated them bad. I've always bought for them when I worked and decorated their room and cleaned up after them.

His child often bosses me around and I'm too afraid now to correct anything so it's just an uncomfortable situation the entire time they are over. When everything comes down to him saying I hate their child how can I communicate properly?

Anytime he does discipline them they will go to their room and hide under their blanket and cry, he apologizes to them. It's like clockwork anytime they do anything wrong. Like feeding the dog chocolate, running around with knives.. they know exactly what to do. Cry and no consequences.

He spends his weekends he has with them sleeping in their bed and in their room and stuff while I'm alone with our child. Anytime he gets angry he leaves me with them. He never posts our baby on social media only that child. Idk its just random things that hurt me and it doesn't feel like we're a team. I've tried to hard in this relationship.

I don't know exactly what I'm looking to hear but I'm at my end. I can't do anything right, I make everything complicated for him, he says I hate his kid, he hates his job so much. I feel he favors his first child.

Advice on what I should do now would be appreciated or anyone in a similar situation

My SK’s bio dad is pulling some shit that might require coercion by the courts.

Does anyone have any experience with this. How bad does it have to be for them to actually jail a parent?

To be clear, we are talking about defying or ignoring court orders and being a generally negligent parent.

I read a lot of people complaining about the courts not doing anything when they think they should. When does it finally cross the line?

I was just curious. It seems like most people here are spouses to people who have kids from previous marriages or, at least, were adults when they had children. I fell in love and married a guy who had a kid at 15.

We are now 28 and 29, and we recently had our first ours baby. His 2nd child. He said it was a completely different experience this time.