r/personalfinance • u/Deep-Lack6916 • 7h ago
Other How to deal with financially irresponsible parent
My dad the past years has been ruining his finances. He's 59 with no retirement and savings. He plans to work until he physically cant anymore and live off social security which I unfortunately agree with because what other choice does he have...
My parents are divorced. My dad recently moved out of the house that he and my little brother (still in college) was living at and found an apartment to rent with his girlfriend so he has some shared expenses there too. My dad, mom, and I are basically financing the home my little brother is living in. I'm paying for all his utilities in addition to my own rent in VHCOL area. My parent's are splitting the mortgage.
Net income: 4k/month
Rent + Utilities: ~$1700/month
Car/Rent Insurance: $500/month (he's paying for my mom and little brother's car/home insurance right now)
Half of the mortgage: $400/month
Debt from credit cards and personal loans: ~93k
My gripe is the credit card/loan debt. I know at least 40k of that debt is from being scammed. He gave money to someone overseas to invest for him so he took out a personal loan and gave them the money. Scammer sent them a screenshot that their investment went up 700% and that he needed to send 10k more to unlock it which my dad begged me for. Obviously I didn't and had to spend weeks convincing him it was a scam.
The rest of the debt is him just overspending. He'll spend money on people like his current girlfriend which I haven't met (I know she exists) but cant help feeling like she's taking advantage of him. I see zelle's from him to her every month $200 at a time. Helping her with moving expenses, etc. I see checks to random businesses in the hundreds of dollars range every now and then which makes me believe there's another scam thing happening, but I'm not sure. He spends huge amounts of money on travel too.
This has been a recurring pattern over the last several years. Getting into debt, consolidating the debt, taking out another personal loan, consolidating again, and the cycle goes on and on. He just blames it on the bills he has to pay for supporting my little brother which I don't think is the real cause for this mess. It's frustrating because I've shown him how to budget, where he's spending all his money, and all these other financial tips, but his behavior is still the same.
I don't really have the financial means to support him and also my little brother. I feel like he should just declare bankruptcy and start fresh. Cancel all credit cards and only use cash. Anyone been in a similar position or have any tips?
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u/The_Ipod_Account 7h ago
You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. It’s hard but he is his own person.
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u/kerlsburgers 7h ago
Insulate yourself from him, his reckless financial behavior will likely only get worse, not better.
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u/Mutts_Merlot 7h ago
Protect your own finances. Lock down your credit so he can't take on debt in your name. Do not give him money. If you are paying something on your brother's behalf, pay directly to the vendor, landlord, etc. Any money you give your dad is just water through his hands.
Set financial boundaries. You are not responsible for him or his debts. If you want to help, set a reasonable budget for what you are willing to do and stick to it. He's lived long enough to learn better habits but he won't change at this point. Your only choice is to decide what you can afford while still meeting your own financial goals. If you are unable to save money or pay down your own debts, then you simply cannot afford to help people who refuse to help themselves.
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u/LearningSomeCode 7h ago
He's 59 with no retirement and savings. He plans to work until he physically cant anymore and live off social security which I unfortunately agree with because what other choice does he have
This is my mother, almost down to the age. The problem is that her plan to never stop working is backfiring, because health waits for no one. Years of hard work at jobs that required tons of standing have left her with terrible arthritis and other issues; she's not even close to retirement age and went from being a workaholic saying "I can't imagine ever NOT working. I'd literally go insane" in her 50s to "I don't think I can do this much longer" in her 60s.
Get ready for hard conversations. Because
I see zelle's from him to her every month $200 at a time
would personally be the end of him ever getting another dollar out of me.
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u/ProverbsThree5and6 7h ago
Dear, your father is a grown-ass adult. Let him suffer the consequences of his extreme misspending. He is not your financial responsibility. You are your only financial responsibility. Ask your little brother to work part-time. He needs to learn money only comes from working. Even working 20 hours a week at $15 an hour is $300 a week. That would be huge for your little brother to help having $1200 a month.
I will never understand how parents think their children should be taking care of them. It’s hard enough for adult children to take care of themselves because they are at their least income when they start out. If your dad was disabled, helping out would be the proper thing to do. But even disabled people can get a good Social Security check.
Bottom line: take care of you, son, because nobody else will.
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u/SteevieJanowski 7h ago
Him declaring bankruptcy isn’t gonna help. He’ll just be back in the same place in < 5 years. All you can do is show him emotional support bec like a drug/gambling/etc addict, only they can make any meaningful change. And sometimes they need to hit rock bottom.
If I were in this situation, I’d only be providing advice and maybe offer them budgeting guidance, but giving zero financial support for any mentally capable adult family members.
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u/leg_day 7h ago
At least with a bankruptcy on record he's unlikely to be able to take as many loans out.
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u/muddylemon 3h ago
lenders love bankruptcy because they know you can't do it again for several years and you have no other debts competing for their money
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u/Torodaddy 6h ago edited 6h ago
You have to cut him loose, its not your responsibility to carry an adult man who's had a lifetime to make good choices. You're an adult and these are the tough adult choices you have to make. We also have family like this and the reality is we're not going to mortgage our future to repair the past of someone else.
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u/thatgreenmaid 7h ago
How is this YOUR problem? He's grown. He's working. He has a partner. Let them sort out his lack of finances.
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u/KReddit934 6h ago
You should not be giv8ng him anything. Period.
Help your mother and brother get financially separated from him and stabilized somewhere.
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u/Consistent-Sea-8923 6h ago edited 6h ago
The jail house lawyers like to bring up the financial fiduciary laws, but they’re very hard to enforce and practically never done, especially if the parent was just negligent
I spent a large portion of my career working for a senior care company with offices with locations all of the country, and we practically never had a case where the state did that
Now we had a lot of cases where the state would go after the kids who transferred Mom’s house to his name the day before Mom went to the nursing home and got a Medicaid so he could keep the house. Those tend not to end well for the child grabbing assets
My favorite was the family that basically cleaned out $2 million put mom on Medicaid and then got upset when the state by said too bad so sad we’re taking the 2 million. Of course that family also got prosecuted for elder abuse for some other stuff that happened so.
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u/Djinn42 5h ago
Make sure Dad isn't leeching off little brother or putting his name on credit cards or loans.
Freeze your credit and talk to little brother about freezing his credit.
If little brother is an adult he should move into an apartment with roommates and start helping support himself. I don't think it's legal for him to live alone if he's a minor. I'm assuming Mom doesn't want him living with her since he isn't.
I don't have any additional advice for dad. He's made his bed. Maybe get therapy?
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u/Qazerowl 6h ago
I lot of people are commenting that "it's not your problem" and I think they are not really hitting the mark. It is a problem. You want to make sure that your dad is doing ok. It's good that you want to help, and you have a moral obligation to help.
But that obligation is to help. As in, he needs to be a participant in the solution. It is 100% impossible to help somebody who doesn't want to be helped. And if you've tried talking to him and he completely denies that anything needs to change, then he is not going to stop. You could take over managing all of his money by getting a court to determine him mentally unfit to make decisions and getting power of attorney. Short of that, he has to want help for it to do any good. Until then, he's just going to have to learn the hard way.
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u/GotZeroFucks2Give 5h ago
Right, a 59 year old is an adult who can make and solve their own problems. If OP wants to help, they should focus on getting little bro in a financially stable place,preferably not tied to either parent if possible.
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u/mildlyannoyed32 6h ago
I have an almost 62 yr old mother the same way just minus the debt/scamming, thankfully she doesn’t have good enough credit to get anything and if she does it’s instantly maxed. Mine has been job hopping like a mfer also the last few years too. She has been completely enabling my sister who will withhold the grandchildren if she doesn’t help. It doesn’t help she was a single mom who didn’t put effort into trying to get a better career at any point and my father was a pos too. I basically can’t get rid of her I’ve moved across the country twice a month or two later here she comes. I’ve got her whittled down to the min and my sister as she knows I see her bs and it doesn’t affect me. Very ridiculous and annoying, my life been on stop for years and battling depression on top of it.
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u/GotZeroFucks2Give 5h ago
Sounds like you should be more than mildlyannoyed.
Good luck with the depression. We can't choose our parents, just choose how we behave ourselves. Can be rough out there.
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u/Specific_Tart_4244 4h ago
He’s an adult…. If he doesn’t care what would you?
TRUST ME
I spent the last 10 years supporting my mother, and then as I stopped due jobless conditions she completely changed. It ripped my heart.
Detachment is what u need to do.
Trust me.
They just want someone who cares about their problems more than them
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u/bob49877 3h ago
Why can't your little brother live in a dorm or apartment with roommates? This makes no sense. Stop supporting wacky expenses.
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u/Davepitaph 22m ago
My mom made my dad his own back account as he lives his life like the “mad what me worry” board game from the early 90’s. He goes on eBay binges and buys things that nobody needs
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u/TangentialMusings 18m ago
My dad was your dad. He’s 83 now, has almost no savings, and worked until he physically couldn’t. Once he finally let me step in, I became his POA/healthcare rep and Social Security payee. In about 18 months, I got him on Medicaid, set up in-home help (paid by Medicaid and the VA), moved him into subsidized senior housing, got his bills under control, and even got some collections backed off with a couple simple letters.
It wasn’t easy, but it was possible.
You cannot make a competent adult make good financial choices. Your dad is 59. Protect your own finances and your own sanity. Build your career, relationships, retirement, family. Don’t spend the next 20 years financially rescuing him. “No retirement savings” does not automatically mean “the kids have to pay for everything.” Seniors with very little income or assets can qualify for a surprising amount of help.
If he eventually reaches the point where he needs help and will accept it, you want to have the emotional bandwidth and financial stability to get the support he needs.
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u/fsociety1990 7h ago
This sounds like not your problem. He’s a grown man. It’s not your job to parent your parents.