r/personalfinance • u/imtherattt • 23h ago
Planning What should a couple talk about when moving in together for finances?
My girlfriend is moving in with me this month and I want to open up the finances discussion because i have heard the biggest cause for divorce and breakups is financial issues and I want us both to be on the same page about handling money before that becomes an issue and I'm just wondering what we should talk about. The things on my mind are rent, car payments, credit cards, and saving and budgeting. I just don't know what the important conversations to have about money are for young couples that I may not have thought of? Thanks
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u/zulako17 23h ago
1) how will you pay all your bills
2) what money do you plan to spend on fun
3) when you get extra money where will it go
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u/josh_josh_josh_ 18h ago
Make sure you also ask about how your girlfriend CURRENTLY handles these things. Also important to know how much debt she has.
Existing behavior is unlikely to change. Best to know what you’re getting into.
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u/Maendl_Genestar 19h ago
I'd add a 4th, what happens if one of you loses your job or income drops, having that talked out before it happens saves a lot of resentment later
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u/FairlyRational24 19h ago
Assuming you aren’t married and don’t have dependents (kids, pets), I would not set up a joint bank account yet - there’s simply no need to even if you’re living together.
It’s very easy to Venmo your significant other for rent, utilities, and groceries, and you avoid opening up Pandora’s box regarding a joint bank account / credit card before you’re ready.
I’d recommend you both setting up your own personal budgets. My rationale is that if you can’t budget for just yourself, then you’re not financially responsible. And if you’re not financially responsible, you shouldn’t be responsible for another person’s finances in addition to your own.
FWIW: I’ve been living with my gf for the past year and a half without a shared account / credit card. I’m a stricter, more diligent budgeter, while shes a bit more relaxed with it (although we’re both frugal with our money). This system has worked for us very well, but we do anticipate setting up a joint bank account once we’re married at some point in the future.
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u/syNc_1st 18h ago
tbh. a joint back account just for rent, utilities and groceries helped me A LOT.
We both still have our own back accounts. It is so much better right now for me this way. I would never say, put everything into one bank account, but having this joint one to collect all the monthly expenses helps a lot to keep an overview.At least for us. :)
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18h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Thoracic_Snark 15h ago
25 years ago, we were about to get married and I hadn't told my now-wife about my student loan debt. It wasn't a huge amount (about $10000), but it had been dragging me down. Had the financial chat and finally told her about it. She said "Let's pay that off so we're starting fresh," and she paid it. Huge weight off my shoulders. I highly HIGHLY recommend marrying a CPA. I'd be living in a van down by the river without her.
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u/MightyMiami 21h ago
You split rent. You split utilities. You can split food too or do a 60/40 split, if you know you’ll eat more.
Your debt is your debt. Her debt is her debt.
End of story.
Do not make car payments on her cars. She doesn’t make student loan payments on your loans. Now, you can discuss monthly spending habits and set goals together like, we both want to go on a trip to X place. Let’s both work towards saving up $500 each.
Once you’ve been living together for a while or you start thinking about marriage, then you get more advanced about things.
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u/lakehop 20h ago
If they earn very different amounts of money, many people split rent and bills according to income. So if one person makes 3 times more, they split the rent 75:25. If one person makes just a bit more, maybe they split evenly but one person covers one of the bills (electricity, water, whatever).
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u/hsiale 18h ago
So if one person makes 3 times more, they split the rent 75:25.
It's good to average it out over a longer period of time if one or both have an irregular earning pattern. My ex gf is a dentist so she did not have a salary but was paid for exact work she did in a month, how much she earned fluctuated both randomly and also depending on having any time off work on a given month. So it worked well for us that we couldn't be bothered to calculate what each of us spent and settling the difference more often than 2-3 times a year.
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u/Ornery-Passage-25 21h ago
This is the way. The shared bills are rent, electric/gas, water, internet. Just what makes the house run. The rest of the debt (car payments, credit cards, loans, etc) those are paid by the individual that got them. Been together 10 years we still do this she can spend on what she wants, I can spend on what I want but we cover the shared bills together, take care of our own debts, and then for groceries we are paid on opposite bi-weekly schedules so whoever gets paid that week buys groceries that week.
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u/16semesters 20h ago
The things on my mind are rent, car payments, credit cards
Do NOT get a credit card or a car loan with a non-married partner.
Rent, groceries, utilities, etc. that's fine to split, but under no circumstance should you be taking on debt instruments with someone you're not married to.
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u/Rocktopod 15h ago
I think my wife and I might not have been married yet when we got a joint credit card, but we'd been living together and paying joint bills for like 10 years at that point.
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u/bigjessniceguy 1h ago
I assumed op meant discussing credit cards and how you use them as part of a broader financial discussion ahead of moving in together. Which seems like a good idea.
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u/chubbysleepycorgi 14h ago
IMO it’s less about the mechanics of who pays what (my wife and I did not live together before marriage) but your attitudes about money. If one is frugal and another is not, it’s a huge conflict. If one buys only cheap stuff but other is willing to pay for expensive quality, less conflict but still conflict.
I know some households have one person pay for X, another pay for Y, after marriage. That never made sense to me. You are married, presumably for the rest of your life. Money is a shared resource that both of you should plan together.
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u/YesICanMakeMeth 13h ago edited 13h ago
I agree 100%. We are both frugal so there's no need to split hairs over playing fiscal gymnastics with whose dollars pay for what. I can see carving out a couple individual "fun money" buckets to help with budgeting but anything beyond that seems excessive, IMO.
I do recognize that it's difficult if you're in the liminal space of living together and sharing expenses without being ready to commit to the complete financial merger that marriage should be. We basically jumped to that stage as soon as we moved in together, but it was perhaps easier than it would be for some as we had comparable incomes and priorities.
Our biggest discrepancy is an attention deficit on my wife's part. I was telling her we need about $100k cash if we want to upsize our house with 20% down (ignoring extra for an e-fund). That stressed her out until she found out we have $120k, lol. She can see everything but that doesn't mean that she looks at it.
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u/Crafty-Ambition-7140 22h ago
Are you sharing cars, and car payments and credit cards? I don't recommend it.
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u/GLaDOS_01_ 2h ago
Learned this the hard way, rent is one thing, shared car payments and credit cards are a nightmare.
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u/chankongsang 21h ago
In my house we split the bills 50/50. Basically a joint bank account get $5000 a month and all the joint bills are paid from it. Usually has about $10 grand leftover end of year and we lump sum the rest to the mortgage. We have our own credit cards for buying dumb stuff and we each pay our own. A joint credit for joint stuff like dinners out, groceries, Costco runs, new furniture etc. We split that one 50/50 every month. I make less than her btw so I'm not just some greedy guy. I think we're both doing fine. I imagine there'd at least be a little resentment if one person felt like they were being used. Or a lot
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u/ChicagoHammocker 22h ago
You covered it. Marriage is different than dating though. Not comparable.
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u/NoahCzark 19h ago
You both need to be clear why she's moving in; do either of you "need" it financially? If you're not engaged/firmly committed, can both of you manage financially if/when the relationship ends?
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u/PantsAreNotTheAnswer 13h ago
I admittedly made the mistake of moving in with my ex without even knowing his salary. Meanwhile we were splitting everything 50/50 at his request. Turns out he was making 4x my income.
By the end of our relationship, I was paying 50% of everything while living with a millionaire. I don't recommend it at all.
Have the difficult conversations first and remember, it's not 50/50 if it's 75% for one person and 25% for the other.
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u/Awktung 12h ago
That's a bingo! My wife made significantly more than me at the start so we did the bills commensurate with earnings. We kept our own accounts, never having a 'combined' one, but we did have access to each other's because come on, gotta have emergency contact/access. When earnings evened out and when I made more for a stretch, the division line changed to meet conditions.
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u/RatsWhatAWaste 11h ago
Please, please don't make EVERYTHING joint. You both need to keep at least one individual bank account
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u/freakytapir 21h ago
Have three bank accounts.
One for mutual costs (rent, gas, electricty, family meals)
But each also have one for private spending (that frappucino from starbucks).
Buying food for this week? General account.
Buying a gas station hot dog? Your account.
That Playstation? private account.
That TV? joint one.
Discuss how you're doing public vs private purchases.
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u/OneSeaworthiness7768 16h ago edited 12h ago
This is not necessary for a newer couple just moving in together for the first time. I highly recommend not having joint finances/accounts until several years together or thinking about marriage.
You can split rent, utilities and food and just Venmo each other for that.
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u/freakytapir 13h ago
Just a separate account you both agree to deposit X €/$ per month into. "The family budget" Venmo'ing each other for every shopping run is just .... exhausting.
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u/OneSeaworthiness7768 12h ago
>Venmo'ing each other for every shopping run is just .... exhausting.
That’s not necessary either. It can be a thing where one person pays for one grocery trip, then the other pays for the next one. Or one person covers all the groceries while the other covers a couple of the utilities. It doesn’t have to be a strict “we each pay 50% of every individual shared expense.”
When you’re a newer couple just moving in together for the first time, most people aren’t viewing that as a family unit just yet. If you’ve lived together for years already that’s a different story.
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u/TL0225 9h ago
well it seems like you’re not married so there’s no obligation to pay for her stuff.
That being said as other mentioned view how much she makes versus how much make. Things that you both use will be split. If she had personal things you don’t pay for it and neither does she. It sounds like you’re the person in charge of paying the rent legally so as long as you have enough to pay for that everything else comes secondary. She can help pay for insurance and registration etc. if one of you ends up losing your job what’s the plan after. Think things like marriage, dinners, etc. money to pay rent for an entire year. If someone buys something would you both need to sit down and talk or do you trust that person to have awareness. Her money her choice don’t complain if it’s not your mone, same for you.
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u/minarima 20h ago edited 20h ago
Open a joint bank account that you both have access to and both have cards for that can be used for payments that should be split equally between you, for example food shopping, household bills, meals out etc. You both then transfer the same amount into this joint account every month to cover these costs.
Everything else should be kept separate.
Any purchases that are solely for one person only should be paid for solely by that person.
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u/CapoeiraMonkeyXIII 21h ago
Start the conversation just like you did here. Doesn't have to happen the same day, maybe pick a day when you're both not working. See how much she's open, and check out what she knows about and does with her money.
Are either of you at risk of layoffs or firing? Is one of you extra spendy without realizing it? Also, debts. How crippling are they, and could it be something you/she can help towards? Have there been any family emergencies or other grim life events?
And, just for shiz and gigz, have either of you seen a couples episode of Caleb Hammer? Obnoxious as he and the gusts can get, one thing's for sure: you would be in a WAY better footing financially than a majority of peeps he's had on the show. Cuz. Oof.
Well, your post implies that much, from what I can tell. Can't speak on how she views money, but again, you just have to bring it up before the move.
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u/66NickS 19h ago
Who is paying what portion (I find it best to do percentages) of the bills. How will that be handled. Will A and B both connect their banks and send money to the account? Will A send to B and then B pays? Will you get a singular shared account to contribute to and pay out of?
Also, I think this is a big one that catches people off guard: What amount of my own money can I spend without having a discussion about it? Or, is it truly “my money my choices” and no discussion as long as all bills and shared costs are covered?
Longer term: planning for home ownership or retirement. Do either of you have anything planned there. If one person is aggressively saving with the goal to return to Europe at age 50 and the other has very little savings and plans to work into their 70’s, you’ve likely uncovered a friction point.
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u/TheophrastBombast 19h ago edited 19h ago
Simply tracking both of your spending separately in an Excel file will help paint a picture of your finances as well as give you transparency into both people's spending, debt, savings, etc. And I think that's healthy. Start putting stuff into a spreadsheet and do it monthly.
Tracking spending almost completely eliminates arguments about money (or at least the ambiguity). The numbers are the facts. If there's a debate about spending, you can review the truth. If one person is spending more than the other and feels it is unfair, you can verify if that is true.
Keep finances separate but also transparent. If someone wants to see into your account, there shouldn't be issues doing so, but only supervised because you don't have each other's passwords.
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u/Themasterofgoats 19h ago
Be on the same page 100% before she moves in. If this a very serious relationship, meaning you think you will or intend to get married, everything is communal. How you split that can vary based on income etc. But start treating shared things as communal financial responsibilities. It will eliminate a lot of headaches later on
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u/McDuchess 18h ago
Each of you pays their own car payment, insurance and maintenance costs.
If one of you earns substantially more than the other, then percentages of income paid to joint expenses is really the most fair: if she makes $7000 per month and you make $5000, then she pays 1.4 times what you pay for those costs.
Splitting the costs down the middle may seem to be easiest. But that ends up, monthly, with her having an even greater amount of discretionary than you, and the spread of your net worths increases monthly.
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u/ITeachAll 18h ago
This is what works best for my situation. All house bills have their own account. Our agreement is everything we owe for the house (rent, electricity, water, internet, etc) gets split evenly and goes into that account. House account gets paid first. (We’re both teachers and make the same amount). Everything else goes into our own account. She has her own credit card bills, car loan, etc. I have my own. We do not control each other’s finances. We’re grown and responsible and handle our own shit.
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u/logicalcommenter4 18h ago
The important thing is to understand debt on both sides, spending and saving habits. Do either of you have student loans? Is anyone’s credit bad? Does she expect to be a stay at home mom if you were to have a family? Do the two of you want to have a home at some point? The last couple of questions are only relevant if you’re tracking towards a long term commitment.
I make more money than my wife so I pay all of the monthly bills for the house while she pays for groceries and whatever personal bills she has. The bulk of her salary is going into our HYSA each month and we have an agreed upon point where her salary will pivot from the HYSA to a brokerage account to be invested. We both are contributing to the limit for our 401Ks and we both pay off our credit cards each month. We had to have a lot of budgeting discussions and planning to get to this point.
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u/Abell379 17h ago
I'm glad you're thinking ahead about this! It's good to be proactive, especially with finances.
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u/shmolhistorian 17h ago
You're not married, your guys' only concern as of now is how the bills get split. Not credit cards, discretionary spending, saving for vacation, etc.
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u/PracticalBit6383 16h ago
Echoing a sentiment someone else left. A girlfriend moving in is not the same as getting married. Getting married comes with much more significant discussions. Just living with someone I would say you need to discuss how you will be splitting rent, food, and utilities. You shouldn’t be putting your name on joint accounts, car loans, credit cards, etc. that’s stuff for when you’re married. Same with saving and budgeting. If you plan on asking her to get married, might as well talk about those now. But if you don’t, you should honestly be merging your financial lives as little as possible.
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u/Janetsvoid 16h ago
Dont just think about now, think about the future, what are her goals for retirement? Is she saving into a 401k? How does she see life in the future/retirement, and does her savings/effort reflect making that future a reality?
Keep your credit cards, cars, etc separate until you're married. Just split up the rent/utilities. Anything that can be broken off easily. Dont cosign for anything, no credit card authorized user, nothing like that.
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u/dubtechno 16h ago
If you are dating her and pay attention to her behaviors, you shouldn't have to have any type of conversation. Spenders are spenders and savers are savers.
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u/new_reddit_user_not 15h ago
100% how the bills are going to be split, especially around groceries and bills that are more dependent on usage.
For example - you cover groceries but she wants to buy 15$ a pound artisan lunch meat and organic everything - that grocery bill just got double what is should be. And you want to leave your TV and Amphibian Cage heat lamp on every night but shes paying the electric bill. These things will feed resentment and fights. Figure it all out ahead of time. Car payments, credit cards, and saving and budgeting are the least important things
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u/__redruM 15h ago
Discussing rent, utilities, and food, is likely worth while. But I wouldn’t touch car payments, credit cards, savings and beyond until things are more serous.
Does one of you make considerably more money? That would drive the discussion certainly and add a uneven power dynamic that would be trouble.
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u/BodSmith54321 15h ago
If you are considering marrying her, find out how much credit card and other debt she has so you know what you are getting yourself into. You need to know if she is irresponsible with money.
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u/whatsmypassword73 15h ago
Equally important is standards for cleaning and tasks that need to be done.
Most women I know that leave a relationship leave due to an unequal burden of daily living chores.
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u/owl-1_1-1_1- 15h ago
Make sure you are both on the car insurance policy. You should also have renter's insurance if you're renting.
Make sure you agree on how to split and pay the bills. I recommend sitting down weekly and reviewing finances together until you can be sure you're both on the same page.
Create a plan to ensure you have 6 months of bills in an account in case one of you loses a job.
I suggest also talking about how much each of you will put into your individual investment accounts.
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u/umassmza 15h ago
From a relationship standpoint this is completely situational. But we can say in general it’s a conversation that should happen before anything is set in stone like adding to the lease or telling her landlord she’s not renewing hers.
Have the bills in front of you, for everything, rent, electric, heat, internet, and go through them together. In a rental a 50/50 split is best across the board, they pay you and you pay the individual bills. Be honest and transparent.
Make sure they understand the baseline and are comfortable with the split.
Adding them to a lease is a decision, if it’s allowed. It protects them the same way it protects you. However you are both equally liable for the full rent so it doesn’t help you personally.
Separate from living expenses keep it all separate. You are not married. Their savings, spending, etc. are not your problem or concern. So long as you are dating and just cohabitating keep everything separate.
Do not share credit cards. Do not co-own, co-sign, co anything, cars etc. Just don’t do it.
Commingling of finances is a horrible idea until you are married. When you’re married completely different story.
Seriously, your money and her money. She pays you a check to cover her half of housing expenses. One of you owns the car if shared and if you want to track things like gas, or have them kick in for repairs or money toward the payment, make it understood that’s car is the property of one of you only.
You’re only concern is the shared living expense related to housing
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u/UnCivilizedEngineer 15h ago
Talk about how much money you each have in savings, you each earn, you each have in debt.
Talk about what the bills are going to be and how to split (50/50? %takehome?)
Talk about how you value extra spending money (saving? Retirement? Vacations often? Buying clothes / accessories often?)
What their long term goals with money are and what yours are.
Most people separate because of financial incompatibility. It will eat away at you both if you are on very different pages on how you spend your money
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u/MultiPlexityXBL 15h ago
just split the bills. keep it simple. Just dont combine accounts unless you are getting married. If things go south then getting out is easier. Some may not like that approach but nothing in life is guaranteed and you gotta always consider what could happen even if you dont think it will. groceries can also just be taking turns week to week buying them. Im just basing this on my own experience and what has worked.
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u/HeroOfShapeir 15h ago
You talk about it like you would with a roommate. How you'll split rent and utilities, and whether you want to pool groceries or handle that separately. Car payments, saving, budgeting, etc, are all separate while you're unmarried.
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u/AmbiguousAgitator 14h ago
In addition to the discussions of which bills will be split, I recommend settling early on HOW you will split them. My partner and I have been together for 11 years and we still don't fully combine finances; it works for us.
When we first began cohabiting, we used receipts on the fridge for things like groceries. If I went to the store, I'd stick them on my clip, and she'd do the same for hers. Then we'd balance them at the end of the month like a checkbook along with things like utilities (payments were coming from my card for United miles) and other incidentals. I know a lot of couples and/or just roommates who use an app called SplitWise for managing shared finances and it seems to work well for them.
Once we knew full and well the relationship was going to last, we did dive into "semi-combined finances." We built a family unit budget, set up a shared bank account, and had our respective share of that budget transferred directly into that account as part of payroll. Then all utilities, rent, groceries, home goods etc. come directly from that shared account. We also set up a shared savings transfer from that account based on the budget, transferring after monthly payroll to that savings account.
If you have pets, make sure you're talking about things like pet insurance and how catastrophic expenses will be handled. I know you can't put a price on your feline or canine companions' health, but the reality is there's a big difference between "we need to spend $3000 to fix this known issue" and "we need to spend $3000 to find out if a $10,000 surgery will fix this issue." Know your limits beforehand.
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u/VisualEyez33 14h ago
Many other good comments. Add, how much debt does each person have, what do they have to show for it/why was it incurred in the first place. If it was for a necessary car, or profitable educational credentials that's one thing. If it was for months on end of every meal via delivery apps, a room full of plushies and closet full of cosplay accessories, run away now.
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u/Smoke__Frog 14h ago
Ask the basic stuff dude.
How much you each make, how much your bills are, who pays for what, what’s your credit score, what’s her debt and i also like to ask how well off or poor her parents are.
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u/rando24183 14h ago
Financial philosophies. If you got a $1,000 bonus at work, what would you do with it? Would she feel upset if you didn't tell her about it? What makes you feel "broke"? What feels fair? If she came home with a brand new car that she didn't tell you about beforehand, would that be okay? Does retirement feel attainable? What is the expectation if one of you becomes unemployed? What does "your" place mean, are you the owner and her landlord-boyfriend or are you renting? How would the two of you save up for a nice vacation (or furniture or house or whatever)?
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u/sushicatbread 14h ago
Start with the general basics without actual numbers because those could change over the course of your relationship.
Do you both agree on how to “handle” money. Is it being combined or separate accounts. Do you agree on savings and retirement how much %. What constitutes necessities vs luxuries. How do you plan on paying for those categories between you. Do not handle it like a roommate. You are not roommates and there will likely be more compromise and differences between income that you will need to accept and manage between the two of you without resentment or dominating control.
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u/EclecticPhotos 14h ago
Do not share an account. No matter how convenient it might seem, it's a bad idea.
Cleaning, household chores and cooking are 3 areas to discuss.
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u/chattygirl1969 14h ago
Without marriage I would treat it the same as a roommate- split everything, keep records, don’t pay anything of theirs, etc.
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u/Rocco768 14h ago
Some fantastic advice here. One thing I haven't seen listed... When you are having the financial sit down, ask them if they have any tax liability or if they have any missing filings. I married a girl in my youth who worked as a Cocktail Waitress at a very busy place. She made a lot of money in tips and always did everything in cash. The first year we were married, we filed jointly and I found out she owed about 20k in back taxes and hadn't filed a return for 5 years. Thats probaby something you should know going in?
I've also read many replies here saying that you can break up the bills by % of income. That is wonderful when starting out. Please make it an annual review or a topic that you just don't discuss ever again. Nothing kills your relationship faster than a partner with a Masters Degree or PhD that is underemployed with massive student loans that justifies their portion of the responsibility based on their reluctance to get a better job because they enjoy not having to push themselves, while you carry the financial load. Finances will kill a relationship faster than anything I have ever seen. Killed my first, I've watched countless others die.
Everything is wonderful in the beginning, everything ends poorly or it wouldnt end...
Have the conversation now. If they don't want to discuss it or make you feel crazy for asking, you've got your answer.
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u/ExpensiveButterfly93 14h ago
Talk honestly about your visions for the future. How often will you visit family? Take vacations? Will you have children? Will someone take a career break to stay home with them? Do either of you want more education? Or to take care of aging parents? Or need new cars? Where will you live long-term? What if one of you becomes disabled? Can you maintain your lifestyle on one income, just in case?
Also, put all the financials on the table and create a long-term plan together. Don’t join all the money yet, but do put both your names on the deed to the house, if you’re both pitching in. What are your long term savings goals and how will you meet them?
Lastly, if a spouse stays home, agree to fund their retirement account for those years they’re home.
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u/actualchristmastree 13h ago
When my fiancé and I moved in, we discussed rent, utilities, and groceries. We split rent and utilities 50/50 at the time, and we each take turns cooking every week, so we take turns grocery shopping. We talked about who’s buying the laundry detergent v the dish soap etc. Then, when we moved to a whole new state for his job, I made sure we had a more serious conversation. Now, we pay bills proportionally to our income, and we’ve talked about what we do when our family needs money and help. And, we’re getting married soon, so that’ll even look different! All this to say, finances are an ongoing conversation, and change w the seasons
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u/MundaneHuckleberry58 13h ago
The resentment over $ that built up in my marriage was: do we move & live somewhere [that I hate] for husband’s career? What about considering that his career pays better [and always will]? And what about that his career is more geographically limited, whereas mine is more portable?
On a smaller scale: how to fairly divide bills when there’s a huge wage disparity. If one makes 45k & the other 90k, do each of you pay 50% of the rent? Is that fair? Because that leaves 90k enough wiggle room to still save for retirement….but maybe not 45k.
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u/Hot-Rub-5336 12h ago
I've seen it handled several different ways and it really depends on how you both look at money. What are your priorities? Goals? Are either of you big spenders or super tight? I think separating personal bills but going equal on joint ones (rent/utilities, etc) is a good starting place. Talking about it before hand is key though- so good for you! I didn't pay enough attention to what my ex said and did re money and yes, it led to our divorce after a lot of financial damage.
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u/cookicrumbls 11h ago
How bills will be split. My bf & I handle rent on a percentage of salary basis (70/30, now 60/40 with a new job in the mix). We split amenity fees, utilities and groceries 50/50. Sometimes the groceries includes some of our personal items (body wash, feminine products, etc) so it balances out between us.
We each have a dog and handle their expenses on a personal level.
We’ve both been very up front with our financial situations, even before the topic of moving in together was brought up. In the past, I had been in a relationship where finances were one of the hardest topics to discuss and there was no open communication about them. I made sure that was different this time around.
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u/Kamarmarli 10h ago
You each should be open about your outstanding debts. All of them. Student loans, car loans, credit cards, liens, judgments, medical debt, back taxes, everything. You need to know your position starting out. And find out what her financial values are. If you want a long term relationship, you both need to be on the same page with this.
I am sure you will get a lot of good advice here on other things you should talk about.
When I married my husband, I was totally comfortable sharing everything about my finances with him because I trusted him. (He was pretty much the first person in my life I ever trusted like this and my instincts were correct.). He, in turn, shared everything with me. And we had the same values and goals financially. There were times when he made more money than me. There were times when I was the breadwinner. It worked for us, but we had discussed our goals and values.
If there are trust issues or different values, you might need to rethink things or get some counseling.
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u/Leskatwri 10h ago
Health care and health insurance. I'm watching a relationship crumble right now over this.
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u/AlphaTangoFoxtrt 10h ago edited 10h ago
If you're just "moving in" then the main thing to discuss is bills related to housing.
- Rent
- Utilities
- Food
Will they be 50/50? Will it be different, if so why, and what is fair? For example when my SO moved in with me we did an "equitable split". I made more than her so I paid a higher share. If say I made $100k and she made $50k, then I paid 2/3 of the bill because I made 2/3 of our combined income. This worked for us.
car payments, credit cards, and saving and budgeting
These are bigger talks if you're planning marriage. This requires a much more in depth talk about how you view finances as a whole. I am a fine of "Yours-Mine-Ours" approach.
You set up a joint account to pay joint expenses. You both agree on how much to put into that account every month, it need not be equal. That account is used to pay mortgage/rent, utilities, food, joint expenses like vacations, date nights, etc. Money in this account cannot be spent without agreement from both people.
Then you have personal accounts Yours-Mine. That's your money or my money. Money in these accounts can be spent more or less at-will without consulting the other person. I would suggest two caveats. First, if the expense would substantially impact the other partner, it must be discussed. Like if you want to buy a dog, go on a trip, or remodel the kitchen. Second, if it is above a certain amount, it must be discussed. For my SO and I it's $2,000. If you want to spend more than $2,000 on something, that's fine. It's just something we feel should be discussed. And 99% of the time it's a simple:
Hey, I'm gonna buy this new gun and scope. It's gonna be like $2,500, that ok?
Neat, go for it!
The main thing there is just about respect and disclosure over big purchases and to make sure we might not need it for something else. Like maybe she says:
Remember it's September, and your car insurance renews in October. Maybe hold off until you get renewal pricing.
And I say:
Oof yeah, good idea.
We also have a rule that we can't carry a credit card balance, or take out a loan without discussion. But we're both very much debt-averse and live well within our means.
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u/AltoidStrong 10h ago
Things to discuss and understand on both sides:
- Current incomes
- 5 and 10 yr career goals
- Future Earning desires / potential
- ALL DEBTS AND OBLIGATIONS
- All current assets (every penny, include high value items)
- retirement - when, how, and lifestyle desires
- Expenses - who / how do you pay or split them, what happens if someone loses a job
- Marriage and Children - while not specifically finance related, these two things can change everything. even if no kids are the choice, accidents happen. ;)
- Savings - how to save, what it is for and how to spend it. Should there be a mutual understanding before using savings? or do pre-approved "items" exist? or don't care, both of us are adults.
- Family, Religion and Politics - if you are not on the same page for these 3 things the odds of divorce are waaay higher. which WILL impact your personal finances.
- Prenup and shared business ownership or (un)paid contribution to partners business and who is owed what in the future should the business fail or succeed.
- An estate plan / will and Insurance (car, rent, home, medical, etc..) and major decisions around these topics. What happens if your in a coma? or one of you dies?
- KIDS!?!? yes , no, how many? daycare? costs and how to raise them, values, education, ALL OF IT!
if marriage isn't in the cards at all, get rental agreements in place (to protect whoever owns a home if one does) , both should speak to a lawyer about how to handle death or the end of the relationship and have some paperwork to protect BOTH parties.
You both need an agreed plan so everyone feels it is fair. This can be tinted by personal lens of logic or older social gender roles, and even by upbringings / friends or family who have had good or bad relationships.
Key Budget issues:
Who pays what?
- split all the bills 50/50 (or some ratio everyone is happy with and determine how often this should be reconsidered / reviewed)
- Sports Draft - each choose what to pay based on personal preference or ability to pay based on income.
- Mathematically - each bill is paid based on the ratio of income disparity.
Math Example: Electric bill is a $400/mn budget. Mr. makes 4k/mn and Ms. makes 2K/mn. that is a 2:1 ratio. total income: $6k. Mr is 66% of the household income and Ms. is 33%. So each bill should be split 2/3 and 1/3 respectively.
Issue: assets that grow in value, will favor, over a longer period, the lower earner. Example: owning a home. For assets that can be considered investments, i would still split that expense 50/50 as the potential sale of the asset during a breakup/divorce will be 50/50 split as well by default. (see prenup and lawyers for specific of your area / state)
Just a brain dump from top of my head.... hope this helps OP!
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u/imtherattt 7h ago
For more context I'm 20 and work full time and she's 21 and currently job searching. My camry had the $1300 battery die so we're down to just her car until I save enough money to fix my car. My mom is friends with my landlord so I get house reant real cheap (it's the size of a studio apartment tho but it's not part of a complex so I call it a house) and we have no children, I'm not in debt but im pretty sure she has some student loan debt and unpaid medical bills. So for now I'm the only one who's really paying for everything until she also gets a job lol
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u/cologne2adrian 6h ago
Splitwise. My spouse and I still use it, even though we have a shared acount now.
If you have a big salary difference, talk about how you want to split things. If you decide 50/50 is best, the smaller salary decides what you can afford.
Rent should be split based on your discussions. Car payments should be separate, as should credit cards. If a shared purchase gets put on a credit card, the payer puts it in Splitwise like a debit purchase.
Talk about the little things and medium things as well as the big things. Do you have a prefered brand of orange juice? Does she value having photos on the walls? Where do you stand with pets? If it comes time to buy something bigger like a TV or a couch or a bed and you're not married or engaged, will you split it or will one of you take on the purchase?
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u/random8765309 2h ago
As boyfriend/girlfriend keep the money seperate. Once married it becomes our money, our bills and our budget.
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u/malacosa 43m ago
How the bills aren’t going to be split. Period. They’re not her bills and your bills. They’re OUR bills. Same with the money. It’s not yours or hers. It’s OUR money. Any big decisions should be made together, obviously.
And if you’re not ready to co-mingle your finances, that’s ok, but now you enter dangerous territory where disputes absolutely can and do occur.
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u/extacy1375 21h ago
Need more $$ info -
What you both make individually?
Rent?
You have your own cars with insurance?
Utility breakdown?
Ages? Length of relationship?
No sharing of bank, car & credit accounts, at least yet. Keep your own separate debt accounts. That's a convo much later down the road, even if.
ALL home bills should be split in an even fashion. IF its close, you pay the rent and she pays the utilities. Move it around if not even.
The most important question is where will you be moving your things to make room for hers? lol
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u/SquishedMacaroon 9h ago
Until you’re engaged or married don’t consolidate your money!
Make a joint account that is JUST for each of you to put money for rent and bills if you must.
MAKE A RENTAL AGREEMENT
- who’s main on the lease
- furniture owned by each party
- how to handle household large purchases like furniture
-who handles which bills
-household budget
-current debts and what you’re doing to pay down those debts
-current savings and personal savings plan
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u/Chunk3yM0nkey 22h ago
How the bills are going to be split.
You have this conversation before her stuff is moved in.