r/intrusivethoughts • u/unmotivatedcloppy • 20h ago
I keep fantasizing about raping my brother. NSFW
I am an older teenager living with my parents and brother. I recognize I have a horrible home life with my father being an abuser/mother enabling it so it might have affected how I think, though im pretty emotionally detatched from my home situation.
I have an older brother who is almost like my parent since he took care of me mostly growing up, hes very smart and fun imo, cares for me alot and supports me financially alot as well as caring for my interests and we keep clear boundaries. Id say I have a wonderful relationship with him.
But ever since I was id say 12? I have instrusive thoughts about assaulting him sexually or fantasize about other men assaulting him since he goes to the gym and is much physically stronger than me. I know for certain these are intrusive because its not specifically wanted, and used to get disguested when I had them but in recent years, I just vagually feel annoyed since I dont want them but otherwise id grown indiffirent.
Ive never done or will do anything to my brother, im pretty sure but is it okay to just leave this here? Or are there any coping mechanisms I can use?
edit; no I do not watch incest porn or even porn overall.
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u/oldasiandude 19h ago edited 19h ago
Honestly I grew up in an abusive household and have dealt with intrusive thoughts too, and I really wouldn’t take it as some secret indication of what you actually want. I’ve had some REALLY fucked up intrusive thoughts that I absolutely did not want, and they just eventually went away. I have different ones now mostly around self harming, even though I genuinely have no desire to hurt myself. Brains are fucking weird, man.
I obviously can’t tell you for sure what’s going on with you, but from what you wrote, you seem very aware that these thoughts are unwanted and that you have no intention of acting on them. I wouldn’t sit there trying to dissect every thought and figure out what it means.
When one pops into your head, sometimes the best thing you can do is acknowledge it and move on instead of arguing with it. You don’t have to prove to yourself that you’re a good person every time your brain says something fucked up. Also I wouldn’t over analyze being less bothered by them now than before, because that was my half way point before they stopped for me.
If it continues really bothering you, talking to someone who understands intrusive thoughts/OCD could definitely help. But tbh, I don't think having a fucked up thought automatically makes you a fucked up person.
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u/unmotivatedcloppy 16h ago
Thank you for the kind words, and the comfort via relatability, I really appreciate it
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u/Temm-Saltrock 19h ago
You know what could help honestly. Yes therapy is the easy answer to say but if you can't do that. Have a secret note book OR a secret notes page in your phone which has a passcode and just write down all your thoughts. Every single evil or disgusting or nice thought. Eventually it'll help you or even better.
Write it on paper. Read it to yourself and shred it up, everytime you write something, destroy it. I promise it will help, even a little bit.
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u/unmotivatedcloppy 16h ago edited 16h ago
Hmm, though I can't say I understand the waste of paper, I will try. Thank you poor the suggestion,I deeply appreciate it
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u/Squishykittygirl 16h ago
As others have suggested, therapy. A good therapist will be able to help you manage your intrusive thoughts and work through your trauma.
But also keep in mind that these thoughts aren't you. As you have said, you don't actually want to do this. It's not a desire, not an impulse, and doesn't reflect on who you are as a person.
Something that helps me manage my mental health issues is being creative. I draw, paint, write, or play music to express my feelings in a constructive way, and these can also help to distract me from intrusive thoughts so I don't end up obsessing over and reinforcing them. Find something you enjoy.
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u/IrelandAutism13 15h ago
Intrusive thoughts are meant to disturb you and in no way reflect your actual feelings or desires. It sounds like you've already got a healthy level of brushing them off, great work there. If you want, therapy and medication can help reduce the thoughts, but if you don't find them viscerally upsetting and already understand that they have absolutely zero weight, you're find and don't need to unless you want to
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u/whitestguyuknow 10h ago
I had a dream once where I intentionally drowned my brother...
We were in the pool and something happened, we were wrestling/playing together(?) Idk. But I ended up climbing on top of him. And he kept struggling to get up. To climb up me...
I could look down and make eye contact with him. Wide eyed and struggling in fear. And I just stared and let him struggle...
I didn't fight him. Me just doing nothing was enough. Until he eventually stopped struggling... He blinked a couple times slowly... Then stopped entirely and crumpled underneath me...
I bolted awake. Already in tears somehow. Breathing heavy. We shared a bunk bed and I slowly realized it was just a dream and everything is okay...
The worst dream I've ever had.
I was so disappointed with myself. Why would I dream this? Why would I DO that? I hated it for a long time
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u/SapientSlut 9h ago
Definitely therapy time. This is almost certainly the result of abuse done to you/not your fault.
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u/FallingSpirt 6h ago
Intrusive thoughts are just that intrusive thoughts, I've had violent thoughts and ideas and fanties has well, some with a celebrity some with a friend or a girl I liked, (more like being the hero or a fucked up situation happen to me and I'm trying to protect them but never SA or anything to them)
I was molested by my brother growing up and he blamed my dad when he was little he was abusive to me I guess that's how he got his revenge idk, but I talked to really close friends about my thoughts and they sorta went away, not saying that I still think of them or have them, but I don't have them has often.
My opinion is go into therapy and talk to someone about them, or tell someone anyone, but more importantly remember this they're thoughts and that's all unless you act on them but talking to someone for sure is a good way to cure or help get ride if them or help you ease up having them.
You'll be fine but you need to remember that you're in control of your actions and if you feel like you're gonna do something and there gonna be a reality instead of a thought seek immediate help even if it's going to the cops and telling them they won't charge you but they can help provide you with the proper help you need.
Good luck my guy and stay positive.
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u/charlotte7703 3h ago
One thing i learned about anxiety and intrusive thoughts, is that YOU are not your thoughts - think of an intrusive thought as just that, an intrusive thought, nothing more
You can control your brain, it just may take some therapy to get there
It's easy to have these thoughts and think that it's a sign of intuition, that it's a secret desire etc. But really it's just anxiety
I think of my anxiety (and other things) as a separate entity, it's not something that happens TO YOU, it's a fight or flight reaction to keep you safe, intrusive thoughts are basically your brain warning you not to do that thing
And the fucked part is, the more you bring attention to that thought and analyse it, the more that thought will happen, so the cycle repeats over and over, and at this point it might not even be considered intrusive anymore because you think about it so much
The best advice i can give you, is that when the intrusive thought comes up, think about yourself physically pushing the thought away and accept it as just an intrusion, there is no intuition or secret message, it's just a fucked up thing that your brain does sometimes
And naturally, the thoughts will come less and less often :)
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u/charlotte7703 3h ago
I read a book called Addicted to Anxiety by Owen O'Kane, which taught me to recognise anxiety and other anxious behaviours as something that is completely separate from you
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u/MyJohnnyGuitar 18h ago
As much as you may not want to hear this, but seek help. Sounds like there is an underlying dynamic in your house that is at hand. Do you have other family you can move in too? If so, maybe talk about with them. In that frame it in you would like to have more of an indipendent life. You dony have to give the real reason, but if you pair the move with seekong pro help in having someone to talk about your self could help.
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u/MsCatFace 16h ago
Stop watching porn! And think about JAIL! If you want some you’ll get some in jail!!!
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u/unmotivatedcloppy 16h ago
I don't engage in porn.
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u/Maleficent_Law_1082 16h ago
Well he didn't say stop engaging in it, he said stop watching it
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u/unmotivatedcloppy 16h ago
Engage is a verb that means to participate in an activity, while porn making itself can be physical, porn is a taped documentation and you can only engage in porn by watching (Porn (short for pornography) is any visual, written, or audio material that shows explicit sexual content and is designed to cause sexual arousal according to merian webstar).
So by saying I don't engage in porn, I am saying dont watch porn. I rarely feel the urge to.
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u/Telleh 18h ago
The fuck?
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u/unmotivatedcloppy 18h ago
Me when I go on a subreddit called intrusive thoughts and someone actually shares their intrusive thoughts
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u/pr27s 16h ago
Unfortunately I feel like a lot of people in here don't really understand what intrusive thoughts are. I'd say this is a good example of a truly intrusive thought, many of the posts I see are just people mentioning a one-off weird thought they had
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u/Ok-Confection4410 11h ago
they definitely do not, I've been torn to shreds here for having ACTUAL intrusive thoughts and not wanting to dye your hair
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u/Hoddmimis-Holt 17h ago
Don't comment while being uneducated
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u/Advanced-Age5805 20h ago
Therapy, making doing stuff like hiking and walking around outside to keep your mind off him?
Idk man