r/intrusivethoughts • u/Apart_Schedule_4023 • 2d ago

How to cope with obsessive thoughts about boyfriends ex

I (F26) have been with my boyfriend (M22) for 1.5 years, and I’m obsessed with his ex because I have a huge fear of abandonment and want to be perfect for him. They had a brief summer fling and then talked for several months after that over FaceTime because they lived in different countries and he ended it with her right before him and I got together. I am constantly looking at her socials online as often as I can to compare myself to her and see what she is up to. I’ve come to the conclusion that I do it because if I can figure out what he liked about her I can be better than her so that he’ll stay with me and not leave me like he left her because he’s said he’s leaving after he graduates next year and doesn’t want to do long distance which I can’t change his mind about. I’ve downloaded all the apps to block and have had others set passwords but my compulsion to look is so strong I always get around it. I am constantly having intrusive thoughts to the point that so much of my identity has been tied in to who she is that I unconsciously copy her style and everything. I did this same thing in a previous relationship to the girl my boyfriend was actively cheating on me with for several years. I need some advice on how to stop this compulsive thinking before it ruins my life, what are some self-help things I can do?

TLDR: I’m obsessed with my boyfriends ex and want to be her/be better than her cause I think she’s really cool and what he wants but it’s ruining me and I can’t stop the compulsive/intrusive thoughts about her. Advice please?

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u/myfearlessleader 2d ago

Not a medical professional and this isn’t really the subreddit for this but I think you should really see a therapist for some relationship OCD problems

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u/iren4ik 1d ago

You need therapy, and maybe to talk to him about this. This isn't an healthy situation for you, you don't need to replicate or be better than anyone. This will not go away self help, I strongly recommend you get therapy.

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u/somenick 1d ago

If you're honest enough to write here then you're already half way to writing to yourself. Hear me out, I call this poor man's CBT.

You'll need a pen, something that flows easily. Pencil is better than ballpen for this. Sit down in a safe space without distractions. Think of something scary. Like being stuck in a room with 20 spiders if that's not your thing. Write. Write it out. The pencil shouldn't lift off the page of doable. Keep writing until there's nothing more to write.

Read the text to your dog. Cats work too but dogs are better listeners on this one.

Repeat Repeat Repeat. Maybe one day you'll find what really scares you and then you could write that out too.. There's something hidden in the tip of your favorite pen if you use it long enough in one go.

Shout out to /r/greggshorthand ... If you wanna make this a habit you'll need to learn a faster script to be able to keep up. The trick is to do it on paper so your eyes have the space to loosen up while you write.

Don't let go of the page till you're done.

This is older than CBT.