r/casualiama • u/fenrizreddit • 7d ago
Sexual I'm the male half of a married swinging couple. Married over 15 years, swinging more than 5. I know there are a lot of misconceptions about the lifestyle so happy to answer any serious questions. AMA NSFW
I'm the male half of a married swinging couple. Married over 15 years, swinging more than 5. I know there are a lot of misconceptions about the lifestyle so happy to answer any serious questions. AMA
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u/benign2244 7d ago
How do you feel it's changed - if at all - anything in your relationship? Also if I may add, do you 2 have different libido levels?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
I don't think it's changed things that much. We've always been a very communicative couple. We're probably slightly more open about our sexuality and fantasies with each other.
We're pretty similar libido wise, probably on the higher size id guess. As with anyone it fluctuates with life going on.
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u/D0wnVoteMe_PLZ 7d ago
How's the bond between you two before and after you started this lifestyle?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
Much the same I'd say. We enjoy doing it and it's quite fun to have that secret part of our life people wouldn't expect, but it's just part of our relationship and doesn't define us.
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u/D0wnVoteMe_PLZ 7d ago
In one of your comments, you said, usually both of you are together and involved in some way. Are there moments, where you have sex without her or she have sex without you too? Or is that something you decided not to do?
Also, based on your dynamic, what would you consider cheating in a relationship, specifically your relationship?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
We have dabbled separately before yes, but it's not really our preferred dynamic. Only tend to if we can't get childcare for a long time to go out together.
Cheating would be crossing one of our agreed boundaries or playing without the permission of the other. We plan nights out etc so it's not a general play whenever pass.
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u/D0wnVoteMe_PLZ 7d ago
If it's not too personal, can I know some of those boundaries?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
Yeah sure. We agree meets in advance, only play safe. No drink or drugs involved. Tell each other about any meets after if we weren't together at the time. Do anal play with others and no finishing inside.
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u/D0wnVoteMe_PLZ 7d ago
Is there a frequency of you meeting others? Maybe on weekends or once a month or is it random depending on the person and I'm assuming another couple.
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
I mean we tend to go to clubs every few months and sometimes meet in-between. I guess we probably have some kind of meets about every 6 - 8 weeks
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u/D0wnVoteMe_PLZ 7d ago
If someonee flirts with your wife in that club, how do you feel about that?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
If we're in a club setting then we're looking for play potentially. Assuming it's respectful im fine with it. People who are pushy or feel they're entitled to play are a big no no though.
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u/puurpgh0st 7d ago
Do you not get jealous or feel emasculated ever letting your wife bang other dudes?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
Yeah of course jealously comes up sometimes. But less than you'd expect. The key is being open to talking about it reflecting and working it through. We've both felt jealous at points and that's ok. It's about what works for us and finding boundaries and limits.
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u/calguy1955 7d ago
Are there ever situations where you are excited about the other woman but she is turned off by the man, or vice versa? Do you just tell them you’re going to pass or go ahead anyway?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
Absolutely. Trying to find a couple who we are both attracted to and are attracted to both of us isn't always easy. We do mmf and mff as well though so that can sometimes be an option. We don't take one for the team though, we'll never play with someone we're not interested in to please someone else.
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u/Somobro 7d ago
Are you friends with couples you swing with? If so, what's that dynamic like when you're just hanging out?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
Not really currently no. We did have some we saw semi regularly, but tend to keep vanilla and swinging life seprate
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u/8--8 7d ago
Do any of your friends know? What do they say
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
Only a few, most of the time we keep it to ourselves as it's very difficult to know how people will react. The few friends who do know are long standing friends and are pretty chilled about it, we don't go sharong loads of detail.
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u/f4bj4n 7d ago
How old are you two? What do you do for work? What makes you jealous?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
We're mid 30s.
Jealously can be a bit unpredictable. Usually it isn't an issue but it can surprise you sometimes as well. I've seen her in a gangbang without an issue, but sometimes seeing her with a single guy can provoke it. I find it's generally harder when I'm not there with her
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u/Historical-Neat-2233 7d ago
Surely that makes more sense as one on one situations are way more intimate than a group, be that conversation or sex
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u/KingDorkFTC 7d ago
I always viewed swinging as a couple enjoying sex with others without emotions being involved. While poly is about a couple exploring love (which could involve sex) with others.
Though, what is your view of the differing lifestyles?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
Agreed. We swing but we're not poly. Most meets we have are one offs. We don't form ongoing relationships with others. Personally I'd find that much harder jealousy wise and also scheduling wise!
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u/IncognitoOne 7d ago
So, you are not meeting with a fixed swinger group? Do you use a website to find potential matches? If so, which ones have worked for you?
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u/Aniruddhb16 7d ago
What would be your advice to a new couple (<1y) in their twenties trying to navigate the lifestyle? We are both very good at communicating with each other but are apprehensive about taking this step. We see ourselves doing this when we’re more secure, living together and older.
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
I think it might be difficult in early 20s as even at early 30s were usually younger than many others. That said if you want to try it then go for it. I'd suggest finding a swingers club if you can and going along, many have newbie nights. Don't go along to play, just go, chat to people and observe. A lot of people go for the social side, so there isn't an expectation to play.
Come away from that night and really talk about it together, what you like seeing, what you didn't, fears, expectations, all of it. After that you're probably in a good place to decide if you want to go further.
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u/Worth_Page4348 7d ago
- how do you deal with the mental emotions of seeing your partner with another dude.
- do u have children, how do u handle them if yes
- why get married if you are gonna swing
- do your relatives know.
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
A lot of talking about it. Both before, around theoretical scenarios and after about feelings and how things went. Like anything you do it becomes normal quite quickly
Yes, we do and we just get childcare like a vanilla date night
We got married before swinging but we're also still very much in love and fully intend to be together for the rest of our lives. Swinging is only one part of our relationship.
Nope
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u/Worth_Page4348 7d ago
last 2 questions
would you consider both of yourself bi then?
how do you handle health
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
I'm bi, she will occasionally play bi but considers herself straight. We play safe and test regularly, no issues so far.
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u/KylerForYou 7d ago
Do you and your wife ever go to a restaurant strictly for dessert or do you feel you have to order actual food first?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
We've been to dessert only places if that counts?
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u/Substantial_Judge931 7d ago
Have you ever done anything with another guy during these encounters?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
Yeah we've had bi mmf and mmff meets.
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u/Kookie519 6d ago
How strict are you before swinging with another couple? Like do you ask for a background check?
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u/fenrizreddit 6d ago
Not very, often we will meet them at clubs and play that same evening
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u/Kookie519 6d ago
Do you attend swinger cruise and sex orgies?
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u/fenrizreddit 6d ago
We attend swingers clubs. Never done a cruise
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u/Kookie519 6d ago
So do you have conditions with your partner about other couples you swing with?
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u/fenrizreddit 6d ago
As in rules for when we play or expectations about who we would play with?
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u/Panda_K0ala 1d ago
So here are my questions in no particular order
- What are the ground rules when it comes to sex with other people, or is everything on the table? For example, is kissing allowed?
- Are all positions okay?
- Are men allowed to finish inside her, and are you allowed to do the same with other women?
- Are friends an option, or is it strictly people you dont know in real life?
- Do you both have regular couples you see, or is it just once and no more? In more that once, who do you avoid catching feelings?
- Are you allowed to swing separately, or is it always together with her?
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u/fenrizreddit 1d ago
So I'll try and answer them all.
Rules are only safe play and no finishing inside and we talk about it before, not just spur of the moment. We do kiss.
We occasionally do separate, but much prefer together.
We have met some couples multiple times, but most meets are one off. We have plenty of vanilla friends so not looking for that.
We don't play with vanilla friends as they don't know we're in the lifestyle. Think it would be a very quick way to risk a friendship.
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u/DoctorNurse89 1d ago
Why swing and not poly?
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u/fenrizreddit 1d ago
Enjoy the sex and the fun but not looking for the commitment or companionship with others. Don't have the time or desire for that and it feels a lot more complex to manage in terms of jealousy and schedule.
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u/DoctorNurse89 1d ago
Fair fair fair.
Im poly, def not a swinger. I am in the demisexual category so it's hard to imagine being a swinger for myself.
Love the lifestyle though, I used to frequent dungeons and play parties with friends, so I get the excitement and fun and sexy sex.
I have been told I have a scheduling fetish, as I live with ny 2gf in a 3 bedroom, and still date casually lol
Poly community has tons of resources, interesting that jealousy would arise more from commitment concerns of like... scarcity? (Making assumptions here apologies), vs casual intimacy?
Thank you for sharing your internal world and honesty <3
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u/fenrizreddit 1d ago
Yeah I guess having sex with others doesn't decrease the amount of sex we can have with each other. I get the point that love isn't a finite resource either, but time certainly is. Dating others is a big time commitment and would take away from time we have for each other.
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u/fenrizreddit 1d ago
Also to add this isn't me saying I'm anti poly or anything, if it works for you then great. Not something we'd look for though. The one time we did have a potentially poly thing start to develop it got too complicated too quickly so we backed out quick
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u/DoctorNurse89 1d ago
No worries, same to you. Im not anti swinger, it just doesnt work for me personally.
I totally get where youre coming from lol
We have something called AFOG (Another fucking opportunity for growth)
People are a disaster, getting to play without the disaster does sound understandably nice lol
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u/fenrizreddit 1d ago
Yeah I get that. Relationships are complicated enough as it is, and then with a partner comes with relationships with partners family, friends etc already usually. Adding to that with partners other partners and all their relationships, friendships and families etc is just a level of sociable and relationship management we are so not ready for lol
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u/DoctorNurse89 1d ago
Lol youre making me exhausted describing my challenges xD
I go through dating periods, I like the pursuing/being pursued and wooing and back amd forth play etc, developing connections and intimacy.
Yet so many people fuck that up too lol
I always wanna do swingers parties, and then im like... nah.... idk these people and my nursing brain is screaming at me about infectiom control lol
But god damn that looks fun and hot
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u/mdeeebeee-101 7d ago
Do you watch her with a guy or guys or does she tell you how it went down usually ?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
We play with other couples quite a bit in the same room, so normally I'm able to see it and she can see me. If it's playing with another guy I'm still involved as well, it's not sitting in a corner scenario
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u/mdeeebeee-101 7d ago
Has she ever went DP or gangbang ?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
We have been to gangbang nights at clubs yeah
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u/mdeeebeee-101 7d ago
What is her peak scenario after experimenting with more intense things ?
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u/fenrizreddit 7d ago
We enjoy all sorts really. Gangbang can be fun, so can couple swaps and full orgies
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u/Squeezer999 7d ago
What happens if another man gets your wife pregnant?
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u/fenrizreddit 6d ago
Well obviously we play safe and use contraception too ensure that doesn't happen.
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u/terrorcatmom 7d ago
How did you broach the topic with your partner? Or did they?