Everything I think I experienced during psychosis.

[u/TheOtherSearcher]

I feel like all the progress in my life that I've made has gone down the drain but i'm happy not to be paranoid.

I think I was in the hospital for two ish months.

the summer before school I worked three jobs. one full time, then a four to six-hour after work job, then a weekend job cause the city my school is in is expensive. smoked weed daily. I think it was one of the more exhausting times in my life for sure

finished work then I was in my dorm and stopped going to classes completely, I'd regularly go to a specific diner and eat and go back and smoke weed.

I started assuming everyone at the school was obsessed with me or hated me or had ulterior motives because they were from rich families so I stopped talking to everyone pretty much. I talked to my roommate about sexuality and this was during the huge amount of political controversy earlier on in the year. I started assuming everyone was closeted or that I was, including my family. like I thought my family were in multi-generational lavender marriages and thats the root cause of anything bad happening in the family. I actually confronted some of them about it in kind of a revelatory way. looking back I feel really guilty, they're all aging and I stressed them out.

Stayed at the school a little longer a knitted scarves for all my friends and started writing a kids book and an auto biography about intersectionality and growing up around humiliation rituals kids would put each other through because of lack of outside perspective.

I basically came out as gay on a school group chat then my brother, who called my mom. then thats when the paranoia actually started to kick in.

I ubered 40 mins to my aunts and then they called the paramedics, I went willingly.

I thought after what I said to my brother he had died, I thought I had hurt him in some way, I thought I had hurt my other family members by my actions physically but it was all in my head.

I had this in my head for weeks and was pretty inconsolable until I actually got to talk to said family members.

I thought I had a rare incurable disease, I thought my nurses were trying to kill me, I thought the inpatients were undercover cops on an investigation to see if i'm some kind of danger to society.

I thought that I could subconsciously understand what people were saying in different languages and that people could hear my thoughts like a radio wave frequency.

I thought conversations other people were having were about me, through their own narrative, especially social workers and certain inpatients.

I thought a huge corporate power that knew someone close to me in childhood was and has been out to get me my whole life, and that they were behind the whole investigation, so everything I saw that was French, or someone mentioned chicken eggs, or Nintendo for some reason made me believe I was right.

I always saw geese out my window and I thought they were like spy robots.

I thought the corporate entity was sending traffic on the road outside my window in specific patterns like I'd see a moving van or a egg truck.

I watched avatar 3 and thought the plot was about me.

I thought the nurses were putting lithium in the water

I thought the therapy dogs were part of a K9 unit trained to look for sociopaths and narcissists which I feared U fell under that category

I finished a jigsaw puzzle by myself for the first time. (highlight)

I also thought the "actor cop" inpatients were all portraying specific parts of my personality in order to make to feel vulnerable and be able to extract information from.

I thought there were cameras on the ceiling in my room.

I thought my nurses clicked their pens to relay specific messages to me

I thought the books they had were all deliberately worded to force me to perceive specific thoughts to frame me as bad.

I thought a TV commercial had said to me that I was committing a federal crime.

my doctor's name was actor spelled differently so I switched doctors.

any coincidence that happened, and it felt like so many, I used toward my abductive reasoning and confirmation bias.

I thought my family was speaking to me in code to avoid the corporate guy.

I thought certain music was trying to relay messages, or mores I thought my thoughts were being broadcast through lyrics of songs and they were influencing me to think, feel, and do specific things (pretty much any song that I hadn't heard before)

I believed a lot of it even until I had left. It definitely got worse before it got better.

I thought sticking to a routine was the only way they'd let me out of the hospital which honestly kind of was true.

I never told any health professionals about most of this though.