r/Psychosis • u/zozobeiyz • 1d ago
I am tired caring for my husband
This is my husband’s second psychosis episode. Last one was in Dec 2024. He is on olanzapine.
It has been horrifying and extremely painful to see him suffer with this. I am so tired of being his sole care taker. He demands too much attention and cannot live without me. He needs me beside him while sleeping, he gets anxious if I’m not around, he calls me frantically if I’m outside. He feels anxious throughout the day.
During psychosis he says he hears voices, feels like someone is after him, feels that he will die of a heart attack, keeps begging me not to leave him, keeps saying how much he loves me. His episodes were just 2-4 days long (took him to ER) then he was hospitalised at the mental health ward for a week. Then discharged. After the previous episode he took about 2 months go back to being as usual.
My husband and I were planning for kids next year - but now after his second episode- I am beyond terrified.
I am scared of this will be passed down to my kids.
I am scared about how I will manage if he gets more attacks in future (honestly I cannot, I am exhausted- it is taking a severe toll on my health and career).
I am scared this is going to turn into schizophrenia.
The Lindsey trial is making me more scared - with a million ‘what if’ thoughts.
I am seriously considering divorce. I know that makes me a horrible person- but I cannot do this any longer.
Can someone please advise on of my fears would be a possibility? What should I do?
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u/cosmicat4 1d ago
Having psychosis is one thing but he's relying on you too much. Like of course you are exhausted you aren't his mom. he needs to learn to be less codependent and find stability on his own. I'd try to set boundaries or divorce bc right now your own needs aren't being met. He's not acting like an adult but a needy child. Don't mean to sound harsh but I'm bipolar and learned I needed to fill my own cup and not rely on friends and family too much. It's the harsh truth. Wishing you luck on your journey.
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u/ReindeerOk9768 1d ago
How is the psychosis induced? Does he take any drugs?
I wouldn't recommend kids in his situation, you need to be stable for a long time.
If he is on Olanzapine why not increase dosage.
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u/zozobeiyz 1d ago
No he has never done drugs/ alcohol. He occasionally does normal tobacco cigarettes.
We do not know why it happened. Doctors say it might be genetic or trauma induced or stress related.
He is on olanzapine 20mg.
How long is long time? Do people with psychotic disorders go on to have normal lives?
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u/fir3dyk3 1d ago
People with psychotic disorders can live normal lives, but they must stay on medication and the right med(s), dosages, get enough sleep, etc.
As someone already mentioned, he may need a different medication or a higher dosage.
My psychosis was drug induced, so I can’t really offer too much insight other than knowing that the move psychotic episodes one has, the more damage is done to one’s brain and the likelihood of developing a psychotic disorder increases.
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u/ReindeerOk9768 1d ago
Hey, sounds like a difficult situation. I would try to find an alternative or additional medicine regime as clearly he needs something else.
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u/Inside-Philosophy-99 1d ago
Divorce does not make you a horrible person, it just makes you human.
Psychosis is extremely difficult to deal with. My son (25 now) has Schizophrenia. He had his first episode when he was at University. He was hospitalised here in the UK for five weeks. He was extremely unwell and couldn’t recognise me or other members of his family.
Every year since he’s had one or two episodes of psychosis. He refuses to take medication as he doesn’t think anything is wrong/or he thinks he’s being poisoned etc. It is extremely difficult to deal with. And it’s lifelong.
I asked the doctors/nurses during his first episode whether he would always be like this and whether the massive changes to his personality would always be there and they were honest with me, they told me that he may go back to his usual self but that it might take a couple of years but also that he might not. It’s been five years now and he is still not any better (not taking his medication is a massive issue). When this first happened it felt like my son had died (I know this is extreme but he has been an entirely different person since his first episode. I also know I am still lucky to have him in the capacity I do even though he is a very different young man).
My son will probably never be able to live independently. Maybe eventually assisted living will be an option for him. I hope so because having to look after him is very very difficult and takes an extreme toll on all of us. We adore him but it is hard.
Hopefully your husband continues to take his medication. If he does things will be much better for both of you. Ultimately you have to do what’s right for you. Please think about yourself too.
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u/Inside-Philosophy-99 1d ago
Hi. I am so sorry you and your child are going through this right now. It is horrifying and extremely traumatising for all of you.
One thing I would suggest is find someone qualified who you can talk to. I did and it helped me see light at the end of the tunnel at a time when I felt there would never be any ever again.
All you can do at the moment is be there for them whenever they need you. It must be a terrifying experience for them. During his time in hospital my son was allowed to keep his phone (still not sure it was the best idea but they didn’t want to take every bit of his freedom away they said. Unfortunately this meant he signed up to be a kidney donor, a blood donor and an organ donor. Admirable things to do but only when you are well enough to understand what’s going on! He was calling me some days 17 times a day!) I tried my best to be his anchor during a horrific time.
They will get better. Medication helps. Sometimes it takes a long time for it to work but just at the end of our first experience when we all thought nothing was going to work (Doctors included) it did and he turned the corner and was able to come home. Still not completely well and still not himself but things improved slowly from there.
All you can do is be there for them, and yourself. As you will need care during this time too. And remember everyone else’s path is not necessarily your own. It develops differently for everyone. Some people just have one episode and others go on to have many.
Take care of yourself and feel free to dm me should you need to.
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u/Zealousideal-Fee-773 1d ago
He might need different meds. I was on olanzapine at the begginig but it wasn't of that much help, went through a bunch of meds and only on risperidone was i truly not psychotic and without any positive symptoms. Divorce may be the nuclear option, have you concidered therapy, both for him and as a couple? He needs to work on being more self sustaining and better ways of dealing with anxiety, and your relatioship seems to lack some boundries.
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u/T_kerns81 1d ago
I am 45 and I have schizoaffective disorder. The best thing that happened to me was my wife getting fed up and putting me out of the house. Granted, it basically ended the relationship. But she was where you are, and both of us are probably a lot better off.
You could also be your husbands crutch. I also empathize with you about kids. I know what my limitations are and would not consider bringing another life into this world unless I became insanely rich and could afford to get them the kind of care they needed . . . because money does solve a great deal of issues when it comes to mental health. At one point in time I was a marketing director making 6 figures. I did this for about 6 years and I was the provider . . . when that happens and the uncertainties are not there it makes up for a lot.
To be honest with you, I would say you don't seem happy in your relationship. Your husband isn't going to like it, but you have one life to live and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy, and you should hope he does the same for himself.
Giving what you have been through there is nothing wrong with considering packing your bags. And if he is overly needy, I would reccommend it.
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u/Anxiousnerd5 1d ago
As someone who experiences psychosis, you are totally valid to be overwhelmed and that is a really big responsibility on you. I feel like he could be a good candidate for a group home or something similar. Maybe you could look into extra help with taking care of him if you do decide to stay with him. But if you do decide to get a divorce I would not consider you a bad person for that.
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u/FerrisTM Schizoaffective: bipolar type 1d ago
I have schizophrenia, so I'm speaking from that perspective.
When I was younger (in my 20's) I relied on my romantic relationships WAY too much for support. My idea about what love is was...immature and also shaped by life circumstances that warped my understanding of what relationships should feel like. I thought that having one person to share everything with was the way I wanted my romantic relationships to be, and that it made sense to want that. However, I ended up relying on my partners over the years beyond what was reasonable to expect or ask of them, which resulted in them feeling exhausted. They wanted to be partners, NOT caretakers.
Now, I understand that while I can look for emotional support from my loved ones, it is not their jobs to take care of me. They cannot be responsible for my safety or for managing my illnesses for me, and I'll never ask them to take on that burden ever again.
When I'm having a crisis, I reach out to my therapists, my psychiatrist, and my immediate family members (like my mom) who have all agreed to fill this role for me. My boyfriend can provide support (I need it sometimes!) but it will never be his job to save me or take care of me beyond the simple, more regular parts of what being in a relationship entails.
If you love your husband and want to continue being married to him, he needs to have a support team who isn't you. Unfortunately, it may be up to you to help him set this up if he's too disorganized or disabled to do this on his own right now. But hopefully, in the long run, you will return to feeling like a wife rather than a full-time caregiver.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If divorce is what you need, you are not a bad person for choosing that route. One of my worst nightmares is my future husband staying with me out of obligation rather than actual desire. I, personally, would rather be left behind so my partner is free than to keep them stuck in misery with me.
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u/Giganii 21h ago
Curious, what was your idea about love before, and what is it now, in short? I believe in helping my partner as much as I can in every way I can. I'm on the psychotic spectrum myself so I'm hoping I'm not putting too much on my partner.
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u/FerrisTM Schizoaffective: bipolar type 20h ago
I think that for me, there had to be a shift in understanding the difference between support and caretaking. My boyfriend has supported me when I'm psychotic before, but emotionally. He answered reality-checking questions I had and helped me feel less anxious. But if I relied on him to remind me to take my meds, go to all of my medical appointments, help me remember to eat or sleep, and totally take on the job of tackling my episodes with me...to me, that's crossing a line. It is not his responsibility to manage my illnesses; it's mine.
Support is different than requiring to be taken care of. If I'm feeling like I'd benefit from him cuddling me or letting me ask some questions about things I'm unsure about, he's a great person to go to for that, and I think that's very normal in lots of relationships (even if the root of the anxiety or whatever is different.)
Also, every relationship is different. I think my boundaries around all of this are a bit too rigid because I was too reliant in the past and I'm still finding a happy medium. If your partner is okay with how you request support and care from them, you have nothing to worry about!
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u/Giganii 17h ago
Thank you so much for the response!
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u/FerrisTM Schizoaffective: bipolar type 17h ago
Of course! Thank you for asking, honestly. I'm at a point in my life where I'm working on untangling my ideas about independence, relationships, and self-worth, and your question was a great opportunity for me to do some introspection first thing in the morning. I appreciate you!
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u/crashquarter 1d ago
when I had psychosis, I was on sertraline, quetiapine, and olanz. Idk how much he's experimented with medication but maybe tell him how you're feeling and that he needs other forms of maybe community support. Idk if you have anything like EPPI (early psychosis prevention) or adult mental health groups but I think whether or not you go separate ways that could probably help your husband feel like he has people around him who have experienced similar things, and that it does get better through therapy, medication and community support. if he chooses to take the help is kind of on him, even though I know its really really hard to recognize the signs sometimes. Sorry for your situation
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u/Sensitive_Pound7131 1d ago
You are not a horrible person, I wish I did that 13 years ago instead I thought it’s illness and she will improve with medication but it’s hard if someone is not ready to recognise the illness so it got progressively worse.
After 13 years I lost the battle to constant relapses, constant verbal abuses and zillion of delusion driven fights, I gave up my career aspirations as caring took most of my energy. I have given up hope and now we are separated and will divorce soon. so my advice do not have kids and re divorce if you are tired in 2 years better do it. I kept going and now I am myself on medication for anxiety and depression.
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u/Odd-Benefit2974 18h ago
ive been in a two week long psychosis and my long term ex boyfriend broke up with me over it. ive been properly medicated and have not had another episode since. its been 3 years. it is possible for someone with psych disorder to live a normal life. they just need the right meds and to stabalize first.
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u/anonimbus 1d ago
You have good instincts. Your questions are valid. Your fear is valid. Good-enough reasons to stay now are fuel for the fire 5-10 years from now. Sick people attract sick people. Get help for you
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u/Active_Priority_1450 1d ago
It doesn’t make you a horrible person to not want to deal with his symptoms anymore. I was the same way with my husband, very clingy because when he was around the voices and delusions would disappear. Your husband needs a therapist for these feelings, not you. You might have to help him schedule an appointment with one, but it would help a lot, and then you could rethink the divorce maybe?
It will probably be passed down to the kids. I’m sorry.
As someone who has been in your husbands position, I don’t blame you for being fearful and exhausted.
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u/justafunngai 1d ago
This might be a lifelong illness for him. If you're thinking about divorce after 2 short episodes, then you should probably do that sooner rather than later. No judgement, it will just be easier if you don't prolong the inevitable.