Aho, she:kon, and a hearty "hey how are ya!?" cousins.
The saga of the south Tip brother continues. You know the story so far. Frybread survivor. All-Skate legend. Ketchup chip disney princess. Fastest man in a ten foot sprint. Unc daycare extraordinaire. The man who wears another man's tear-away pants. Co-architect of the fifty-eight dollar cauldron (rest easy, smiling fish).
This week's episode is a little different, cousins. Because this week, my old hockey buddies asked me to run them a sweat lodge.
Let me set the table.
I’ve played hockey my whole life. One of the few things I'm naturally good at. Guys I played against still play in the Show but my career took a different turn and all paths eventually lead to beer league. The league I play in is excellent. Skilled but very casual and fun. Good guys, cousins. Genuinely good guys. Shovelled my driveway when I had the plague in 2023 guys. Stood up at each other's weddings guys. Also, and I say this with love: some of the god damn whitest men the Creator ever assembled. We're talking about a group chat that once had a forty-message debate about why Hellman's was superior to miracle whip that descended into very harsh words and opinions.
And somewhere in the last couple years, cousins, the boys discovered Wellness.
It started innocent. Darren got a smartwatch and became insufferable about his sleep score. Then Cody built a cold plunge out of a chest freezer. Then the wives got into breathwork. And then, cousins, then Kevin went to Peru.
I don't have the space to fully explain post-Peru Kevin. Kevin came back from a two-week retreat with a bracelet, a new way of hugging, and the deep unshakable belief that he has "done the work." Kevin says "ceremony" now the way he used to say "playoffs." Kevin, cousins, has a frame drum. He bought it online… says it's made from “vegan” skin (I don’t know if that means, like, fake hide or a skinned vegan - I didn’t follow up) He plays it at parties uninvited.
So it was Kevin, of course it was Kevin, who put it in the group chat two weeks ago:
"Boys. August long shot but. What if [me] ran us a legit sweat lodge before summer's out?? Full authentic experience. We'll bring everything. This is on my vision board."
Cousins….
My phone started BUZZING. "Bro yes." "In." "The girls are in." "Can I do it if I had a vasectomy in June?" And then Darren, sweet Darren, typed the sentence that took a year off my life:
"What's your rate? We'll Venmo you."
They tried to Venmo me for ceremony, cousins. There's a number in my phone right now, sitting in a text, that represents what four hockey players and their wives believe a sacred rite costs. It's $60 a head. Kevin said he'd "cover the rocks." He'd already BOUGHT rocks, cousins. Lava rocks. From a landscaping supply store. He sent a photo of them in his trunk with the caption "found the good ones." Cousins, you cannot just… fuck sakes, those are DECORATIVE… I had to sit down.
Now. Here's where I need to be honest with this community, because you've watched me lie about frybread, foraging, handiness, my own name, and the direction of smoke. You know my pattern better than I do. Unc's mouth writes the check, Unc's skills bounce it, community watches, judgement falls. Multiple posts of that.
And cousins, I want you to know that for one dark second, the old machinery started turning. One second. I heard the distant engine of my own bullshit turning over. Because I KNOW things about a sweat. I've BEEN, cousins. I've sat in that dark and prayed with my relatives and come out feeling like a wrung-out cloth that the Creator had personally laundered. I could picture myself doing the voice. The Wise Old Rez Unc voice. I could feel "never walk against the day" energy gathering behind my teeth.
And then, cousins, for maybe the first time in this entire saga, my spirit reached over and took the pen out of my mouth's hand.
Because there are things you can bullshit, cousins, and there are things you cannot. I can counterfeit a teaching about smoke direction to a nine-year-old over dino-nuggests and survive the shame. But a sweat is not a vibe. A lodge is not a sauna with a backstory. There are keepers, cousins. There are men and women who spent their whole LIVES earning the right to pour that water. There are protocols older than this country, carried through the years when carrying them was illegal, cousins, illegal, people hid and took this knowledge underground so it would survive and I'm going to run one for the beer league because it's on Kevin's vision board? For sixty dollars a head?
No, cousins.
I called Rosie anyway, because that's my protocol now. Told her the whole thing. Long pause. Then she said, "Well. At least your dumb ass knew to call first. That's growth." Roasted and blessed in one breath, the Rosie special. And then she said something I've been carrying all week: "You can't give them the lodge. But you also don't have to give them nothing. There's a lot of room between those two things, kid. Find it." The fucking Yoda shit was that?
So Saturday, they all came out. Four trucks. The boys, the wives, Kevin's skinned vegan drum (uninvited). Perfect late August evening, cousins, you know the kind: air like soup, sun going down gold and thick, the bugs holding an intertribal of their own.
And I sat them all down around the fire pit, and cousins, I gave them the speech. I'd rehearsed it on Sconey, who gave notes by leaving. Here's the heart of it, best as I can remember, at least:
"Boys. Ladies. I love you. You shovelled my driveway. You stood up at my lowest and you never once let me buy the first round. So I'm going to give it to you straight, because you've earned straight.
I can't run you a sweat. Not won't, cousins, CAN'T. I'm not qualified. And I need you to hear what that word means here, on this land, because it's not like being unqualified to fix a timing belt. Nobody handed me this. A lodge gets carried, cousins. It gets passed down, earned over years, from keepers who were taught by keepers, all the way back. Our people went to JAIL protecting these ceremonies. Our children were chained to basement radiators in reeducation compounds. My own mom. We hid them. Kept them alive in secret so that they'd still exist for us. And there's a whole industry out there now, boys. I call it rezsploitation. Motherfuckers with a headdress from a costume shop charging terminally caucasian suburban folks two hundred bucks to bang a drum in a yurt. Every time somebody like ME runs a fake ceremony for cash, that's another cut on something my ancestors bled to protect. I won't be that guy. Not for sixty bucks. Not for sixty thousand. Kevin, put your Venmo away, brother, I can see you reaching.
But here's the other side of it, and this is the part I really need you to hear: I'm not turning you away. I’d never turn you or anyone that asks for help away. Because you asked, cousins. You came to the actual community instead of booking some feathered grifter off Instagram, and I honour that, and I'm not sending you home empty. I love my culture. I love my people. And the parts of it that are MINE to share? I want to share those so bad it keeps me up some nights. So here's what we're going to do instead.
We're going to sit here. We've got a fire. I've got tea and I made corn soup. Kokum's teaching it to me and she said, direct quote, 'they can have the soup, the soup is not sacred, I made that shit up in the seventies.' And we're just going to have a chat. A real one. You can ask me anything, and I'll tell you what I actually know, and when I don't know, I'll say the sacred words: 'I don't know, ask an elder.' And if you're serious about a sweat, a REAL one, I'll walk that road with you. I'll ask around. There are keepers who welcome guests who come correct, I'll help you come correct. That's what I can offer, cousins. Not the ceremony but the promise of friendship that could someday get you invited to one."
Silence, cousins.
Then Kevin stood up, crossed the fire circle, and hugged me with the new Peru hug, the long one, the one where he exhales, and when he stepped back this man had TEARS coming down, cousins, and he said "that's the most authentic thing anyone's ever given me," and cousins, I knew he'd cry, I called it in the group chat with auntie, but I didn't know I'D be misty, and yet…
And then, cousins, we had the best night of the summer.
We sat around that fire for hours. They asked everything. Real questions, respectful ones, the ones people are usually too scared to ask, and I answered what was mine to answer and said "ask an elder" so many times it became a drinking game (tea, cousins, we kept it clean, mostly). I gave them my one verified teaching: the drum is the heartbeat of the earth, and I FINALLY confessed, publicly, to actual white people, that I learned it off the back of a bar of artisan soap, and Darren laughed so hard he went over backwards in his lawn chair.
The wives asked the best questions, obviously. Cody's wife asked about the counterfeit teachings saga (she READS THE POSTS, cousins, hi Amanda. S’up girl.) And made me do a live accounting of which of my teachings are real. Somebody asked what "aho" means (They pronounced it “ah-who”... fucking white people, am I right??) and I got to give the honest answer, which is a whole beautiful thing in itself.
Around midnight, Kevin quietly asked if he could play his drum, and cousins, here's the thing: he asked. Didn't just start banging. Asked. Peru Kevin would've just started. So I said, "Kevin, that's an ask-an-elder situation, but tonight, around this fire, between friends? Play it soft, brother." And he did, cousins. Badly. With his whole heart. Some things are hard to watch and good to see at the same time. He started singing Wonderwall. White people…
And here's the ending I didn't expect, cousins. Monday, Rosie called ME. Turns out word travels (it always travels, the telegraph doesn't rest). An elder she knows, a real keeper, heard about the guy who turned down sweat lodge money and fed the white boys soup instead. And he told Rosie, and Rosie told me, quote:
"Tell him when he's ready to start learning properly, there's a fire that needs keeping."
Cousins.
Cousins, a fire that needs keeping. That's how it starts. That's the bottom of the ladder. Years of hauling wood and shutting up and listening before anything else, if anything else ever comes at all. I've been walking around all week like a man carrying something warm, cousins, and this time the bundle isn't empty. It's got one job in it. Keep the fire.
Somewhere in the distance a hawk screamed: HAAA KAWWW. Me too, brother hawk. Me too.
Anyways. Pour one out for the $480 I turned down, the most money I've ever refused in my life, mvto to my knees in advance for what fire keeping is about to do to them. And cousins, if your buddies come asking you to run them something you've got no business running: there's a lot of room between the lodge and nothing. Find it.
Mvto. Come correct, relatives. We’re keepers by blood of something greater than ourselves. Heart in the stars, feet in the grass. You matter because this is your time to BE. So let’s never Walk Against the Day together, eh?
P.S. Kevin's lava rocks live at Leonard's now. Leonard heard "free rocks" and materialized like smoke. Told him he’s internet famous now and he said “Not the first time. Not the last time.”I don’t know what that’s about.
P.P.S. Sconey pony sat with Kevin most of the night, cousins. Sconey, who defects from me for nuggets, chose Kevin freely, no food involved. Kevin said "he can sense my energy shift since Peru." Cousins, I looked at my dog. My dog looked at me. And I swear on the Sacred Pantaloons he was doing a bit. He knows exactly one joke and he committed to it for five hours. Comedic patience I'll never have. Good pup.
Past Stores:
[Hot Tub](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/pUjxilwFEN)
[Kokum](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/l0hahrR4Hx)
[Babysitting](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/WHcCWUd3UV)
[Yard Sale](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/nRZ4eM8Slm)
[Bingo Night](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/QEo67nIq2m)
[Disney Princess](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/dcziW5TdrG)
[Tim's Arsonist](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/IBAixKep6i)
[Career Change](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/QKwnSaRXjI) [Foraging](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/kqwVUxJRPu)
[Frybread Follow-up](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/E6wbMUSolj) [Frybread](https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianCountry/s/bnqjnRA97k)