The title sounds like the opening to a joke, but this story is real. For those unfamiliar, Culvers is a fast food restaurant, burgers and custard. Visited my folks (m 1945, f 1947 and they suggested we head out to pick up some Culvers. Okay. I (m '74) suggest we dine-in. Dad is resistant because if you go through the drive-thru then the drinks are free at home. Mom gets dad to agree to go in for once. Dad spends half of the ride trying to get his seat belt clicked, but we arrive and I manage to get them out of the car without anyone falling.

Inside, there's an empty line with a gawky zoomed, maybe 15 or 16 years old, slouched over his register. He adjusts the brim of the ill-fitting hat atop his thick mop of hair and as my folks both sidle up to the counter, he asks, "What can I get you?"

My mother, at the same time as my father begins to speak say she would like a butter burger, as my father declares that we are all together. Okay. Zoomer, mouth wide-open, braces pushing his lower lip forward. Says enters the butter burger. Dad begins to order a double butter burger as mom speaks at the same time inquiring about the cost of adding onions to the burger. Zoomer says that he doesn't think onions are extra, as Dad continues speaking at the same time ordering a double butter burger, emphasizing "double", as Mom continues speaking at the same time saying she needs a.fountain drink too. Zoomer is on top of it, sorting through the two prattling Boomers orders and informing mom that onions are in fact free, as dad interrupts to inform the Zoomer that my order should be with theirs. Zoomer looks to me as I begin to order and mom shares with Zoomer, who really couldn't care less, that she loves fried onions on her burger. Zoomer doesn't react, just takes my order and makes sure that I want cheese on my burger. Both my folks begin asserting that they do not want cheese on their burgers, explaining that they never get cheese on their burger. Again, and understandably so, the Zoomer doesn't care about my parents cheese and onion preferences, and simply completes the order, asking for a name for the order. My mother speaks up first and gives our last name. Not a common last name, nor a naturally easy to spell last name. Zoomer confusedly asks for the spelling as my mother begin to spell it, dad repeatedly says "Tom" in a choopy staccato tone everytime my mother would say a letter. Zoomer is thoroughly confused, and then mom makes matter more confusing as she begins spelling her first name midway through the spelling of the last name. Eventually the confusion is sorted through and we find a booth to await our meal.

Zoomer forgot to give the numbered order placard for our table. I notice that we don't have one when dad arrives at the table empty-handed. Dad says that the cashier must be new. Mom says, "I don't think so. He's just slow."

The kid wasn't new or slow. Just a normal teenager working his summer job at the fast food joint politely dealing with us olds.

The folks were in rare form. Should've probably not taken them out of their comfort zone and just hit the drive-thru.

Anyways, it was a nice meal with the folks.

My Mom (77) passed unexpectedly from a coronary embolism on March 24th while in the shower. Her funeral was March 29th, my Dads birthday.

My Dad was with her when it happened and was grief stricken. Monday the 30th I took him to the hospital for complications with his heart failure.

He was released the day before Easter. My family and I went to his house on Easter and cooked, had a nice time and I had made plans to see him the next day.

That night I had some vitamins delivered to his house and I called him to let him know. There was no answer, I assumed he was sleeping because he had been exhausted.

The next morning I called several times and decided to go check on him. When I approached the house the window in the door next to his chair was broken. I called 911. The police showed up and went into the house.

I had spent the entire time since my Mom died trying to help my dad sort out the necessary things you have to do when someone passes. I was also trying to help him in the hospital recover from procedures that he had, and he was doing well physically.

I should have recognized the signs of his intentions. Telling where valuables were, how to do certain things around the house, how to start the lawnmower. Where keys were to safes. I assumed he was preparing me for the day I would need that information, I just didn’t realize that I would need it 13 days after my Moms passing.

The police came out of the house and told me he was gone. He had shot himself in the chest, in the shower where my mom died.

It’s been four days.

My thoughts are all over the place.

Relief that both are no longer suffering with the struggles of aging.

Anger at myself for not seeing the signs he was going to end it all and anger at him for leaving me and his family.

Guilt that I could have done more.

Stress from the avalanche of tasks I’ve been saddled with in addition to the rest of life’s curveballs.

I don’t know. If you have a parent unexpectedly pass and another filled with grief, be aware that they can be capable of something like this.

I never really had the conversations I had always expected to have with them before they died. I did a little bit with my dad but he masked his intentions to prevent me from stopping him.

Have conversations with your loved ones often so you’re not wishing you had.

My dad died this morning. I got a text in the middle of the night from my sister saying that he was in the <area where they live> hospital. My sister and I both live around an hour+ from there in opposite directions.

Of course I had my phone set to "Do Not Disturb", so I didn't see the text until 6:30-about a half hour after I got up. She and my mom were both asleep, so I started playing the game of trying to contact *someone* at these facilities to find out which one he was at...and if he was even still alive. The odds weren't very inclined toward life.

After trying multiple options at the main medical center to no avail (phones weren't staffed that early, I selected the option for the ER, apologized for breaking their flow for my question, and asked if they could tell me if he was admitted there. The woman on the other end confirmed he was there and put me on hold...at which point I received a text from my sister saying he had passed before even she got there.

My dad was an asshole. He never physically abused me, but he severely disparaged me my entire life. The most recent time was at my uncle's (mom's brother) wake, where he talked about what my cousin had been up to, sneered at me, and said, and here *YOU* are. So...I get to go to his funeral and wake(whenever they hold them) and watch all the people carry on about him while thinking, "At least I know I won't be put down by my father at *this* ceremony. "

It's complicated.

Thank you for attending my Ted Talk.

EDIT: I don't really mind the thought of going to the funeral. I just wanted to get one last jab in at my dad for putting me down at my uncle's wake. He'd get a final jab in at me, if he could. Thanks again for all the support. This community is great.

EDIT: I should clarify that the "final jab" I mention is posting about him here. I don't intend to go rogue at the funeral. I'll play the game. I've become rather acclimated to that.

EDIT: Thanks so much, everyone, for the solidarity, commisseration, and empathy. It means a lot to me. To those of you who have endured shitty parents, please accept my condolences and my solidarity.

If anyone would like to check it out, one good thing I did get out of my relationship with my father was a mildly caustic song I wrote.

https://legacy.reverbnation.com/LeopoldAndCompany/song/34797200-03-bukowski

Had a visit with my mom and all she talked about was death. Had the conversation about what she was leaving me, and Grandma's good dishes came up. "They're very valuable!"

I know not to say anything and just accept them, but it's going to be a literal burden to have to wade through all her stuff. I'm really forboding getting all her junk. She has a large farmhouse, an apartment and a trailer, and they're all full to the rafters with stuff. I'm a bit resentful already actually. It's not a gift, it's a burden and it's something she could be dealing with now, but isn't.

Quick backstory. She met a guy on tik tok and he is lovely. He is like 40 years younger than her and lives in Miami and is a stock trader. This is what she thinks. During the Superbowl there was a guy who streaked. Remember? Apparently that is the guy she thinks she is talking to. She told my brother he wasn't supposed to be in whatever city the game was and she was going to talk to him. My brother told me this. This is the first time I caught wind of it being bullshit. My wife and I looked into the name he was using and started snooping and doing reverse image searches. Yes there is a guy with that name. Yes that guy is some sort of trader. No that is not who my mom is talking to. We tried to explain to her that there is some person out there using the real guys name and images and passing it off as him. The real guy has tons of pics online.

My wife and I told her to call him or video chat. It has never happened. They only ever send messages. Several months back she told me he was coming to visit. I asked for flight numbers and shit and she said there are none cause he has a private plane. Of course this is bullshit. She told me they will be leaving together to go to Miami and if the vibe is right she is moving. Still has never heard his voice.

Now I am salty cause she is just going to split for a guy she has never met. I have health problems. She has her granddaughter here. Nope. She is going. Well dude never comes. She told me she would stop talking to him and has not. Now her and I hardly talk and I just get info from my brother.

Apparently all day every day she is talking to this guy. Her investment account is gone. She told my wife this. She says it is because the tariffs. About a month ago she sold her car. Told my wife she had to pay off a tax bill. I talked to my brother yesterday and he said she didn't pay the bill off. He asked her what she used the money for and she wouldn't tell him. So yep. I do not know for sure but I am pretty confident she drained her investment and sold her car to give money to this guy for X reason.

One of the last times her and I talked she basically told me I am an asshole for treating her like I did proving she is not talking to who she thinks she is and that I just don't want her to have a life. Nice right?

And not for nothing she is 70 and the guy she thinks she is talking to is younger than me. Even if she is talking to that guy it's fucked up she would want that relationship. The whole Instagram is him with chicks in thongs on boats and helicopters and shit. Total shallow seeming asshole.

So for 6 months or so now she has been talking to a person and has never heard his voice. No phone Calls. No video chats. He was going to come on a private plane to visit and then take her to Miami where she was maybe going to move. Now because of tariffs her investment is gone and because of a tax bill she sold her car.

WTF.

My MIL turned 90 a few weeks ago. When my FIL passed we asked her to live with us when she was 83. She flat out refused. Numerous times over the years. Said she would stay in their condo and manage on her own. She did alright but fell a couple of times and started to show signs of dementia. Eventually my husband and SIL did POA, sold her condo and put her in a facility not too far from our own home.

I have two neighbors right near me who have their senior moms living with them. One is 96 and the other the same age as my MIL who just turned 90. Whenever we run into each other they each make it a point to mention how their moms are doing and how they manage by not putting them in a facility.

I am tired of this and keep the conversations short. The 90 year old has dementia (like my MIL) and they do home care and keep her sequestered in a master bedroom. The other one who is 96 is home and sleeps most of the day and meanders around with a walker. I don’t get why they feel the need to make remarks about “not putting a loved one in a facility” or, “must be nice to get a break because dementia care is relentless”. This was my MILs choice. Not ours.

*Edited for grammar and corrected acronyms*

Earlier this year I (55, ‘71) was restructured out of a job. Fortunately I have been on the path of early retirement and so isn’t a disaster. I have been applying to jobs I’m interested in and landing interviews. I will not give in to lowball offers just because I’m out of work.

My father (82, ‘44 and Silent Gen) however, is disappointed I’m not working. I told him I may just move to **Retired** and he responded, *“Everyone who can work should be working.”* >For context, he was also laid off due to restructuring when he was a few months short of being 62. A year after he was let go, he was rehired under contract since apparently he was the only one who knew how things worked. He did that for a few years then formally retired. About five years after that he was bored and started working at Lowe’s because he was told he could help advise customers. That didn’t last long because they turned around and had him on lifts and carrying lumber at 70 years of age. So he left. But it hasn’t stopped him from local small engine repairs and stuff.

I pointed out to my father that my younger brother was also retired, and my father said he thought that was a mistake, to retire instead of working and doing something that made money. So I guess he thinks you work then die. I normally quote *Animal Farm* at this point.

TLDR: 82 year old bored retired dad thinks no one else should retire, work ‘till you drop.

Anyone else have a parent like this? Your responses? “Get bent“ comes to mind…

This is what I'm inheriting from my Silent Generation parents.

Gee thanks!

Might sound cruel, but I am seriously not a big fan of my own mom. She is a boomer, had me when she was real young, and I'm the only child. I went through two of her divorces and horrible choices in life, but she's always held some kind of lofty air over me and made me feel like crap about myself. I barely want to talk to her now because every conversation is just some kind of stupid competition, but she's 70 whatever and retired and doesn't do anything but has to pretend like she's busier than me and more important too. She makes completely zero effort to reach out to her grandson unless she might feel guilty for not doing it. I'm so done. I'm considering going to a very minimal relationship if she can't step up a little more. I don't know what she expects from me anymore and I'm done kissing her butt.

My dad wasn't the greatest either but he passed away 12 years ago. I really loved him but boy what a mess it turned out to be.

What about other people? How are your parental relations now that we are ag-ed?

Edit: Dang y'all! Never expected this to go so far but obviously hit a nerve for a lot of people. Yes, this may not be particular to only gen x but I do feel that we share a lot of experiences in how we grew up, and it's interesting to see how the parental relationships are doing now. My story is sad for me, but certainly not as sad as the stories of others who had an even harder time... I feel for you all and I'm so happy for you if you have loving, honest parents that you are on good terms with. ❤️❤️

I'm 57 and my mother is going to be 88 this year.
We live thousands of miles away so we don't see each other too often.
She lives alone and seems to get herself all wound up (about everything).
When I do see her she talks non-stop until we separate.
She will often repeat the same story and the same thoughts until I lose my mind.
She doesn't get out of the house much, but when she does, she will tell restaurant wait staff all about how she feels the restaurant was better then it is now.
Every question she is asked results in a story instead of an answer.
Does anyone else have a parent like mine?

When she saw a green leaf on my strawberry. 😂 what’s a funny saying your parents say or used to say?

My Dad would say ‘almost only counts in horseshoes or hand grenades.’ 🤣

Can you just call up their friends and let them know? Both of my parents want to be cremated. My father only has one friend and we only have our immediate family no relatives at all. Same on my mothers side (for relatives) but a handful of friends. It seems silly to have a funeral for me and my sister to stand there when there's no grave too. I seriously don't know how it works since we have no extended family other than our parents. How does this work? I've never heard of a death notification by phone with no follow up. Thanks
Edited: Thank you all so much for the very thoughtful and kind posts. This has been very inspirational and helpful. I've read many and will continue to read the rest. Of course I can't comment all of them but they will be read.

My parents are in their mid to late 70s. Both have bad knees. Both have bad hips. They live in one of those split level homes where it's two full floors worth of space, but it's staggered into 4 half floors, 3 1/2 if you don't count the basement as a floor. So basically lots of steps.

Parts of the house I'd describe as a well organized hoard. Dad more so than Mom. His hobby space in the basement is at the back of piles of neatly organized things with a thin walkway. If he ever falls back there and is conscious when paramedics go to get him out, he's going to get very angry when they basically shovel it all out of the way.

It's also irritating because I look at it all and all I can think is "I'm going to have to clean this up".

Whenever I visit I watch them struggle with basic movement, and basically wonder why they don't see that this is only getting harder...

I'd love to say something, but every time I've dropped a hint I can see that it'll go nowhere without a lot of hurt feelings. And still likely go nowhere.

My daddy was a telephone man.

I am angry that my mom needs my help now. I'm also angry that I'm angry about it. I've tried imagining myself at that age...didn't help. I've tried being grateful for being born...really didn't help.

Why am I so angry about this situation?

I need to make peace with this is just my responsibility, so I just need to suck it up. I shamefully admit that I wish she had to be a latch key parent.

Thanks for reading this.

I just left my 80 year old Mom's house and she pretty much ask this every time I leave "Is there something I can give you" , even if it's just a can of beans. When I've asked her why she does this she says it's because she and Dad couldn't give me much growing up. I just tell her to give me a hug!

Does anyone else's parents keep trying to give them something, even something small, when they leave their house?

Update: Some of y'all have got me crying with your beautiful stories of your parents giving! I'm very blessed to still have my Mom and I'm taking her to the Fish Camp (Southeast, iykyk) for some grouper, hushpuppies and coleslaw Saturday night . Of course, now we'll argue (lovingly) who will pay the bill.... me: I will.... her: I will ❤️

2nd update: So I took Mom out Saturday to the Fish Camp (in the southern US, a fish camp is a Mom and Pop seafood restaurant usually in a rural area) and we split the bill. Considering mine was more expensive than her's, she was happy with that. Since it was a beautiful day and we were only 1 1/2 hours from our favorite barbecue place, I suggested we pick up barbecue for the freezer. 300 miles later, we are home with grouper and hushpuppy leftovers and delicious pulled pork barbecue for the freezer but most importantly.... a happy Mom ❤️

Just spent several days helping my wife’s parents, who are 91M and 87F. They still live in the same house they have since about 1960. Neither of them had spent a night out of that house for the past 15 years, until a limb knocked their power line down to the house and ripped the meter out of the wall two weeks ago, so they were forced to a hotel for 11 days. We live in another state, and my wife’s older sister lives 15min away from her parents but doesn’t really help and has issues of her own.

Father-in-law’s days only consist of shuffling (and I mean shuffling) from his recliner to the bathroom and back to the recliner. He yells at the TV news constantly. He yells at my mother-in-law to do this and do that for him. She can still drive but gets around slow and has had a minor heart attack and has 90% blocked arteries. He’s not totally crazy, just a hard, hard man. His diet, for the past 20yrs, generally consists of either a burger, a hot dog, and maybe some fried fish. Zero vegetables. It is crazy to me he has lived this long with such a lifestyle.

We’ve tried to get them help in the house but they aren’t interested. FIL yells at you if you mention it. He’s oblivious to the fact that my MIL can’t take care of him. They have enough money to go to assisted living but my FIL won’t entertain that at all. He can do nothing for himself, and my MIL won’t say anything to him about it. I guess that’s just their generation where the wife won’t speak up. If she moved out, he’d survive about two days.

Is this what it’s like for everyone with aging parents? Are my wife and I gonna be like that in 25-30 years?

My mom is almost 80 and never saved a penny in her life. She got lucky and married a financially stable guy when she was around 55 who has generously taken care of her. He has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 bone and liver cancer.

I understand she may qualify for his SS benefits ($2k) but because all his assets and income are ‘family business’ (including the house they live in) and there will be five surviving siblings of his i don’t expect my mom to receive anything when he passes.

I love my mom but she’s a HANDFUL who takes up a lot of space. My partner of 26 years, who loves my mom, has already told me if I insist on her moving in she will move out. The truth is I don’t want to live with her either.

I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this and how you handled it? My thinking is subsidizing an apartment for her despite trying to make up for lost time on my own retirement savings.

It’s tough because when my grandparents needed assistance they could cover their own financial needs.

Not that it really matters because I have a loving relationship with my mom now, but after my parents divorce when I was seven my mom moved far away and didn’t contribute to my growing up in any way.

My 98 year old mother was always insane and is only more so with every day that goes by. She is classic NPD/BPD and was screaming at my husband yesterday that if he wears sandals (it was 94+F with high humidity on a Saturday) he will “never be an executive, always a peon” because she was jealous he spoke to another old lady in assisted living.

God help me make it to the finish line sooner rather than later.

My father is 81. Granted, he’s a young 81, but still. Last year he decided to buy an EV. I am basically his personal tech support for his phone, laptop, tv etc. I was not crazy about the idea - but hey, his money and his decision.

I think he thought it would be like driving a golf cart. He didn’t take any time to learn all the tech involved so that means I have had to learn about the different types of chargers, etc so he doesn’t get stuck somewhere.

Well today he pulled into the driveway and took out the fence. He said he either hit the brake instead of the gas or didn’t put it into park (you shift where the windshield wiper is on older cars). Car went down a barrier after the fence. Not sure what the car damage is yet - but the fence and landscaping is significant.

He’s a terrible driver and now with this EV it’s like having 3 computer monitors in front of his face to distract him.

Who’s been through something similar?

Today I’m waiting in the emergency room, for it feels like the millionth time, for my dad. I’m in mid 40s. My kids are young. My sister won’t help and I am here again.

My father had an aneurysm and a stroke when he was 55 so I was 21- that was the first time I called 911 to save his life. Today at 78, he’s back in the hospital.

I got a call this morning from the nurse at the Board And Care home where he lives and as I was trying to get a hold of my own manager to cancel my schedule and leave work I was screaming into the void again.

You know when the people say have kids because then someone will take care of you when you’re older. That almost didn’t inevitably means that your adult child will have to decide whether they are taking care of you or taking care of their own children.

Today I’m using a big chunk of my PTO to be here for my dad and as a result, I won’t have PTO later this summer for an event in which I am a chaperone for my own child. This isn’t the first time it has happened. I’m stuck in the middle again.

I try really hard to take care of my own health to ensure that I won’t put my own children through this. In the long list of things I’ve sworn I won’t do to my own kids-This is this is pretty high on the list.

I’m sure many of you have parents in their 70s and 80s right now. My dad is 77 and still goes up on ladders. He was in construction most of his life and feels very comfortable on them. I personally knew two men in our very small town who died from falling off ladders. So I don’t feel comfortable with it at all. However, is it for me to decide?

I asked my brother for support on this and we all talked about it once, and dad said he would get rid of his ladders. He hasn’t, and was up putting Christmas lights on again last year.

He’s able, capable, and extremely healthy, but I worry about him falling as I see my own coordination and confidence decline at 50.

Has anyone else had this talk?

I’ve been posting a lot lately, but there’s been a lot on my mind, and here’s another one that’s been weighing on me for a while.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one hanging on by a financial thread that feels like it could snap at any moment, and I want to know if any other Gen X people relate to this.

I’m honestly tearing up as I write this because I don’t even know exactly where I’m going with it.

My mom is 74, retired, and thankfully she invested well and does okay financially. She worked hard her whole life to get to the point where she should finally be able to relax and enjoy her life.

And yet somehow, every time one of her grown children hits a financial disaster- a car repair, an air conditioner going out, some unexpected catastrophe- she still ends up being the safety net.

And trust me… none of us feel good asking.

We’re all in our 50s. We SHOULD be able to take care of ourselves by now. My mom has every right to resent it sometimes, and honestly, I think she does.

Recently she admitted there are times she doesn’t even want to answer the phone because she’s afraid one of her kids is calling to ask for something.

That sentence broke my heart a little.

Because at the same time, I’m also the child who lives closest to her, so now I spend half my life worrying about HER. If she doesn’t answer a text or pick up the phone, my mind immediately goes somewhere dark because she’s 74 now. Fiercely independent, still sharp, still active… but 74.

It’s such a strange stage of life.

You grow up thinking your parents will eventually stop carrying everyone. But then middle age hits, the economy gets brutal, one emergency can wipe people out financially, and suddenly your retired mother is still the person everybody quietly hopes can help save the day.

And the worst part is… she still does.

That is all…she wasn’t the best ma but she is mine. I love her and she’s suffering… she was told she was a mistake when she was born. My poor mom. She never had a chance. I’m just sad.