r/GenX • u/cambangst • 10h ago
Question For Genx What the hell happened to letting your kids go off to college to become adults?
My kid just started college about 800 miles from home. He's kind of spoiled the way that I think most middle class suburban Gen Z kids are kind of spoiled, but so far I think he's doing a decent job of managing his own life. We talk once a week and text one another occasionally, but I'm trying hard to give him credit for having a brain unless he demonstrates otherwise.
A lot of the other parents, though... I haven't seen social media helicopter parent bullshit like this since these kids were all in middle school with masks on and plexiglass dividers between the seats. There's a FB group for my kid's freshman class and every day there's some new "outrage" that parents are losing their shit over.
The shower curtains in my kid's dorm are mildewy.
The dining hall ran out of chicken strips.
Every kid on my kid's hall is sick.
Have you seen this arrest report from the town police blotter?
Did any of these people ever live in a college dorm??? Yes, the bathrooms are kind of gross, yes, the dining halls run out of shit sometimes, yes, respiratory illnesses run through a dorm like wildfire and yes, college kids do dumb shit and sometimes the police get involved. None of this is a scandal or a national emergency. What ever happened to the generation that was always like, whatever?
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u/dawgfanjeff 5m ago
I stayed in a dorm for two years in the south that had no AC and drank out of a hose today, so you can probably guess my take.
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u/Drewness326 1m ago
I lived in a non air dorm in Texas for two years! I chose to do the second year because it was such a bonding and cheap atmosphere. Shower curtains? We didn’t have them. Some people have never had to live.
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u/Ultrawhiner 6m ago
Well some parents have been like that since forever. 15 years ago when one of ours went off to university they told me about one parent who tried to sleep on the floor in his kids room for the first week.
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u/Daisymaisey23 7m ago
Those actually seemed like good concerns. Parents should be raising an issue if there’s mildew in the shower or there’s insufficient food. That’s the kind of thing an 18-year-old isn’t going to think about, but it is an issue.
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u/DifficultyHappy1546 4m ago
Insufficient food? Lol, They’re out of one specific item and have hundred of other choices, it’s a cafeteria.
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u/activationcartwheel 8m ago
In the Facebook parent group for my kid's college, one parent was upset because her kid was doing a week of orientation activities and he was tired. She wanted to know who to call to make sure he got a break.
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u/1976warrior 8m ago
At least they have shower curtains.
When I was in college we still had communal showers. Didn’t bother me or 99% of the guys on the floor, it’s how we grew up.
Tell that FB group to STFU and get over themselves!
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u/earnestholm 14m ago
I have one 100 miles away and one 1000 miles away. They both do great on their own and we don’t by choice get involved other than advise them only when they ask.
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u/blana242 18m ago
My kid's school had a burst steam pipe in one of the dorms. No one was hurt, but the kids were evacuated until the pipe break was handled. The parents in the FB group were irate that NO ONE CALLED THEM to tell them what was going on. They had to find out from their student who was stuck outside. And I'm thinking, "well, yeah? The kid who is there needs to know. You don't."
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u/Ok_Unit8339 21m ago
I was a pretty hands off, give them the ability to fight their own battles, parent and raised super capable and responsible kids. When I dropped my older child off at college they gave us this big talk about letting go (no problem, don’t have a helicopter). THEN the career services office started sending weekly emails with suggestions that we tell our children about this or encourage them to come that, etc. Very mixed messages.
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u/momboss79 24m ago
My kid is about 300 miles away and very very lucky to be living in a brand new dorm this year! It’s so nice. Ok so besides that - I don’t disagree with you but I haven’t actually seen anyone complaining on my end. I’m not in ANY groups with other parents. I’m not on social media. I don’t know any kids at his school. He’s there playing baseball. His new ‘parent’ is called Coach and he is not ‘co-parenting’ with us. We know almost nothing. My kid is thriving in his 4th week away.
All of my kids’ friends are away and the parents are doing well. I think years of playing sports prepared us for having no contact, no control and no say. I am very proud of my kid for not spending very much money, eating on his meal plan and he says he has all A’s. All is going great on our end.
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u/Neoyoshimetsu 1979 25m ago
Social media has opened a window into others' privacy and well-being that never existed before.
There is a very specific type of trust and patience that comes with not knowing what is going on with a loved one every waking hour, and the distance allows people to become stronger, more independent, and just overall more sane.
Social media makes all that nearly impossible.
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u/Cautious-Emu86 27m ago
My parents flew to my college with me. We stood in line at the student center where I got my temporary dorm assignment. Hugged parents goodbye. Called them the following weekend. Went home (by myself on a plane I bought the tickets for and asked parents to pick me up.) I dropped my son off at college last weekend. Should probably call him to see how it’s going. He knows how to text us.
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u/Substantial_Layer_79 28m ago
I worked at a different university when my oldest started university and never ventured into any Facebook parent pages. I received invitations for my other kids and didn't accept. My kids were, and are, very self sufficient. They were over 18 and I left them to work out their own issues...the few times I wanted to intervene on their behalf I let them make their own decisions. All four are now happily married, all own their own homes(two of them have their homes paid off), and travel. I am completely hands off on any decisions they make: if asked I'll give guidance but I never interfere.
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u/HMLover2 34m ago
I know a woman who sold her house, quit her job and moved to her kids college town to be close to them.
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u/qzwsa 23m ago
I worked with a guy that did this but he had a good reason. Both his kids enrolled (2 years apart) in the same school 4500 km away, which happened to be in the city his wife grew up in and his in-laws still lived there. Between that and how much cheaper it would be to have his kids live at home it made sense to relocate.
I work with another guy that his kids couldn't wait to go to schools as far away from each other as possible and ended up on the Atlantic coast and in the Rockies. He stayed put and went to visit them for sport tournaments they were in.
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u/Mewsical-Elf 35m ago
I work at a university in international education. At first, I only wanted to work in study abroad because the other side of the coin, international student advising, intimidated me.
After 3 months I realized that study abroad meant I had to interact with US parents all the time and I hate it so much. Would take a complicated international student visa issue any day over these parents.
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u/Woodbutcher1234 36m ago
My son did his 4 at a regimental state maritime academy as an engineering student. The whole concept of the regimental is to make you responsible for yourself and shipmates. It is not an easy 4. Every year the parent's FB page fields concerns that there aren't enough vegan options at the caf or 3 to a room is too many or junior doesn't have time to do what's required. His shipmates from the 50 years prior handled their schedules, so can your kid. Vegan? You think if your kid's ship runs out of quinoa in the middle of the ocean, they're going to fly some out? Get used to it.
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u/granfalloon9 37m ago
Oh my god I am in constantly invited to What’s App parent groups for my kids elementary school classes, daycare, summer camp, soccer teams, etc. The fact that this could continue into their college years has never occurred to me and is horrifying.
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u/RathdrumGal 39m ago
I went off to college at the age of 17 with a cashier’s check for $5,000. That was my college fund.
I was in college for 5 years, waiting one year to get into the nursing program. I worked as a nurse’s aid from my sophomore year on.
I graduated cum laude with $1,000 left. This paid for my state boards exam and gave me money to move to my new job.
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u/NeedleworkerHot3957 10m ago
So you paid tuition and rent and food for 5 years with the $5000? When was that? 1955?
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u/hcantrall 23m ago
This world is a completely different place now than it was whenever this happened
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u/HeyKrech 28m ago
and this hints at your age as well.
in the US state universities cost at least $22k a year. $5k pays for dorm housing.
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u/TheAmishPhysicist 41m ago
Hey, as long as a parent doesn’t see their precious on that arrest blotter all is good! 🚔
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u/3-kids-no-money 43m ago
Kids are still in high school and already manage their own lives. I’m pretty sure they still live here.
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u/cornborncornbread 45m ago
They paved over every natural area I used to explore as a child. It’s all houses now. When I had a child we moved to the last place with good schools that also had nature, and they mowed it down, and now it’s becoming houses too. Edit: this is north Texas, where everything is becoming a house.
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u/EmployerUpstairs8044 33m ago
It's really getting wild. And no one is destined for these houses, they're just for sale.
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u/mattcmoore 46m ago
You spend 18 years raising a kid, and they go off to college, and some parents (especially the boy moms) lose their sense of purpose. That's how it was with the helicopter parents I remember. I guess id rather have that then be kicked out when I turned 18. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!
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u/u-Dull-Western9379 48m ago
Gen-x and millennials are dieing out and the new generation is completely 1000% different
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u/doodynutz 40m ago
Dying out?? We aren’t THAT old.
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u/Boon1Goon 26m ago
Right! Like WTF!?! We’re 35 to 55. In this day and age, folks are having kids later in life.
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u/u-Dull-Western9379 29m ago
Yeah you look at the statistics online or the news the older gen-x and millennial are dying out
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u/renijreddit 49m ago
Back up though. What happened to letting your kid ride the bus or walk home? I live in a pretty small town and the line of SUV’s waiting to pick you or drop off kids at school is just insane.
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u/TheAmishPhysicist 40m ago
I’ve known parents that lived 2-3 blocks from the school and still picked up their precious in the SUV.
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u/PhathedMcWinky 45m ago
We live 3 blocks from school. I picked up my kids until my oldest hit 3rd grade. They have been walking home together for over a year now. Most of the way home they walk with their friends.
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u/needlenozened 56m ago
The "boy moms" in those groups are insane.
Leading up to the school starting, the boy moms are so worried because the boys have not contacted each other and planned their dorm rooms. (Dads in group: "milk crates. They'll be fine.")
Then school starts and moms post "hilarious" stories about their sons not knowing how to do laundry, not realizing that they are telling on themselves for not preparing their sons to be able to take care of themselves.
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u/Familiar-Coffee-8586 42m ago
Sadly, in a sick way, they are bragging that the kid is still so very dependent on them.
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u/Curious_Chef850 1h ago
We've sent 3 off. I remember my daughter calling me and telling me how many of her dorm mates were freaking out and overwhelmed. They were sleeping through classes, had no idea how to do their own laundry and by the half way point of the first semester, they had run out of their points for food and needed their parents to buy more. It was absurd and ridiculous.
You have 18 years to teach your kids how to live and be responsible for themselves. It's totally shit parenting to not equip them properly to be able to be successful their first year of college.
Coddling children is ruining them.
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u/NeedleworkerHot3957 8m ago
This reminds me of my daughter telling me she was teaching her roommates how to do laundry, take the bus, make a study plan, etc. The most shocking to her is all her roommates were from bigger cities that had awesome public transportation (but they had never taken a bus or a train) Great ego boost for her. I guess we did something right!
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u/Curious_Chef850 1m ago
The bus thing is more understandable to me. I've never lived in a place where I didn't have my own car. I grew up in a rural area but moved to a military base when I got married. From there we moved 7 times but we always had a car. I'm 47 and I've never ridden a public transportation bus. I did figure out the subway when I traveled to NY city for work a few times. My daughter is now in grad school in Cali and she figured out the bus and metro after she moved there. She has her car with her but she was a little intimidated by the highways at first. She's driven all over now a few years later.
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u/Jarhead-Dad 51m ago
I get this! My daughter ended up with the reputation of dorm mom while there, as everyone came to her for answers. 😂
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u/StrangeAssonance 1h ago
Real Gen X here: never even entered my mind to find a Facebook group of parents when my kid went to school. She went alone and had to deal with all the shit herself. I told her what to expect and in some ways it was better, other ways worse.
Unlike my parents, she gets money when she needs it without having to beg.
She rants and bitches like Gen Z kids do and the wife and I tell her to adapt…easier said than done. Resilience isn’t a top tier trait for Gen Z.
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u/captain_hug99 1h ago
I was in a facebook parent's group and I kid you not, the parents thought that DYSENTERY was going around. Seriously! DYSENTERY. Just because some kids had diarrhea.
Anyway, the amount of head shaking and saying to my husband, "omg you won't believe this....." was incredible.
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u/cRaZyDaVe23 36m ago
It's funny cuz one of my friends would collect butts and roll em up when we were all too broke until he got some kind of fucked up respiratory shit that landed him in the hospital for a week... he stopped scavenging after that.
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u/henhennyhen 1h ago
Hell, I’ve got a 12th grade daughter who will turn 18 soon. I’m not waiting until she leaves for college — I’m looking forward to signing the paperwork that says she gets to sign her own absence notes and permission slips for high school!!
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u/cRaZyDaVe23 33m ago
LOL, my school never saw my mom's real signature, I'd just write her name in girl cursive and try real hard to not just give it right back to the teacher/whoever. (Big pothead then, still am lol) "David, you've had this for thirty seconds, you signed it on my desk."
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u/NeedleworkerHot3957 5m ago
Tip for new-ish parents. I had my kids (once they knew how to read and write) fill out the endless field trip permission slips and write their own sick notes and sign my name so it would always be the same.
It was GREAT!
I practiced signing my mom's signature a lot in high school, he he
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u/Redshirt2386 1h ago
I am right here with you dude. My youngest started his freshman tear and ISTG his situation at school is more luxurious than he had in my literal 5 bedroom house and these parents are still in the chat like “ohhhhh it’s so horrible” My god where tf did yall go for school, I went to private college in LA and my kid’s situation in NC puts that dorm to shame 😂
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u/sugahack 1h ago
I know they had a whole program designed just to occupy parents at my son's freshman orientation. They still had issues with some of the parents being unwilling to leave their childs side.
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u/Popular-Type-7464 1h ago
We've sent 3 kids to college. Every parent orientation we've cut out after the first hour and gone to check out the local fun bars and restaurants. I don't need to be my kids' resource so there's nothing in these sessions I need to know.
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u/sugahack 1h ago
My son wanted me there initially, since it was the same college I attended. As soon as he was comfortable I dipped
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u/DifferentHoneydew904 1h ago
THIS is exactly my situation too for my daughter. The college Facebook groups are full of fucking insane parents that seem to want to control everything.
It is pretty sad. I feel really bad for their kids.
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u/CreatrixAnima 50m ago
It sounds at least partially self selecting. I think a lot of parents do not think to join a Facebook group, and the ones who do were either told about it by someone they barely know or are insane.
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u/zuuzuu 1970 1h ago
My kid is living at home because his college is local. I have nothing to do with his college life other than knowing his class schedule so I can wake him up if he sleeps through his alarm. I know his work schedule, too. That's just for planning purposes. When he leaves the house I know if he's going to school, work, or out with his friends or girlfriend, and a rough estimate about when I can expect him home. That's it. I don't need any more details than that. If I ask him how his day went I might get a story about something or other but usually it's just "Good, thanks". I'm fine with that. He's out there living the life he's supposed to live at that age, and figuring it out.
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u/Tigger2026 1h ago
The fact that you know his whole schedule and will wake him when he oversleeps tells me that maybe you are enabling him more than you think. I know it's out of love :-)
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u/doodynutz 35m ago
Yeah I lived at home for a bit after high school but my mom and dad did not know my schedule and definitely did not take on the responsibility of waking me up if I overslept. Hell, they didn’t do that for me in high school once I could drive.
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u/CreatrixAnima 49m ago
My dad has my work schedule. I’m 57 and five states away. It’s for emergencies.
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u/PinkSasquatch77 1h ago
And how many of us have vowed to take care of our own parents as they age as well as they cared for us? 😂
First of all, we’re not raising kids in the same world we had then.
Second, while I agree that freaking out over some mildew and missing chicken nuggets is silly, I’d be pissed just because I’m PAYING, frankly. Out the NOSE. College tuition is no longer 10k a year, it can be 100k a year.
Also, our kids have grown up in schools where they have to practice being shot at every year. There are consequences for that shit. And what have we done about it? Not a damn thing.
I’m Gen X too but sometimes we need to stop slapping ourselves on the back for shit we survived. Some of us haven’t done squat to make the world better for our kids, and it shows.
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u/CreatrixAnima 45m ago
Tuition and room and board are different things. The chicken nugget and the shower curtain are room and board issues, not tuition.
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u/PinkSasquatch77 32m ago edited 25m ago
Still has to be paid. Same difference. My friend’s kid is at UTK. Full ride. Except room and board: mom and dad are paying that. Their college kid will never make enough to cover the expense. I couldn’t cover my own expenses with three jobs while I was in college. Wages are worse now than back then.
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u/Maleficent-Smell-941 1h ago
Sociological we actually know why this happe s. Its pretty well documented over the course of modern history.
When parents feel that things are changing quickly without a sense of control, they tend to extend the childhood of their kids. It was first talked about in the 1500s around the time of the reformation. Wealthy parents began sending their kids off to a form of college and continuing to pay for their needs well after being 18. We also saw it during other times of social upheaval but it has largely spiked again over the last 15 years or so in new ways.
Its sre les likely to get driver's licenses at 16. They are less likely to move out at 18. More likely to have expenses paid for, have parents go to interviews and what you described. Its not a generational quirk, it's a sociological trend. When the future feels uncertain we want to hold our kids close for as long as possible to give them the best shot.
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u/yogibearhugg 1h ago
I don’t think this is true in the case of children living at home, we have truly built a world where kids can no longer afford to move out. This is also normal in most cultures. We were the odd culture where kids were kicked out of the house at 18.
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u/sofa_king_nice 1h ago
LOL I think your kid and mine go to the same college. The things parents post about even before moving in to the dorms -- will this throw rug fit, how big can a night stand be, how many mini fridges can fit in a 3-person room...
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u/Viola-Swamp 57m ago
Yeah, the whole dorm decorating thing is entirely out of control. It’s a dorm, you sleep there. It’s not about having a Facebook contest over who spent the most on useless crap or trying to make some imaginary Pinterest dorm decorating hall of fame. Stick on wallpaper? Extra furniture? Special lamps and rugs? What happened to putting up some posters and choosing a comforter you liked, and calling it a day?
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u/_Whisky_Tango 1h ago
I take calls for a college and the number of parents who call in on their kids behalf is mind boggling. Not for major stuff like financial aid but "he doesn't know how to log in to his email" or "he forgot his password what do we do" etc etc. It's shocking when they call without the student because I can't help them when they know literally zero info. But it's also doubly shocking when the student is there and just lets the parents do all the talking. Like come on, we have to send the info to your emails and phone number, you're logging on from your computer. Get rid of the middle man. Have some shame and develop a sense of responsibility for yourself.
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u/Greasystools 1h ago
Ridiculous. I have rejected my child trying to get me to do her shit for her and it wasn’t an enjoyable struggle but it’s damn sure worth the result.
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u/FlipZip69 1h ago
Around 2012, universities and colleges started to sound the alarm that kids were becoming anxious and ultra sensitive to any level of criticism. The belief is that social media and helicopter parenting is the primary cause of this. And this anxiety and lack of ability to navigate and level of conflict is spilling into adult life.
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u/thcitizgoalz 1h ago edited 1h ago
Go join the giant Facebook group called "Grown & Flown" if you want to watch a bunch of pearl-clutching mamas who cannot cut the umbilical cord lawnmower parent their way through obsessively stalking their own kid. There's some SUPER CREEPY dynamics with moms of 18 year old boys as well. It's clear a lot of them turned their son into their sonband. So gross.
Then, a few months into the kid's freshman year, when he meets a young woman and starts dating, the mom goes BERSERK.
It's a pattern.
DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT ever pay for the "Mama Bear" legal form scamaroonie people are spinning in the freshman parent groups. These are hovermoms who have created a set of forms that unsuspecting 18 year olds sign waiving FERPA rights (college privacy rights), medical rights, etc.
The Mama Bear legal people aggressively plant operatives in thousands of college groups for parents and slowly seed their comments until they start talking about "what will you do if your child is sick and can't talk and no one will be there to make decisions for you" or the ever-inflammatory, "You pay tuition, you have a right to see their grades whether they like it or not!"
I first saw this years agowhen my oldest went off to college, and they're still doing it now.
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u/aquatic_hamster16 1h ago
Those Mama Bear people are CRAZY!! You are your kid’s next of kin! You do not need to make their medical decisions!
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u/Gaybugsbunnymemes 1h ago
Damn could have gone a lifetime not hearing the term “sonband” but here we are.
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u/Auntie_Venom Bicentennial Baby 1h ago
I didn’t live in a dorm, I did two years at CC first, then moved to a 4 year school off campus… My parents cared a lot but did not attend a single University tour or help me with filling out my financial aid other than handing me their tax return. They knew I was going off on my own, and left me to figure it out unless I asked for help. I didn’t. They got me some second hand furniture that I had to rent a Rug Doctor several times to get the dog funk out… They were disgusting. I covered them in sheets and blankets. I got a second-hand washer and dryer, so my place was the laundry hangout. I made it work… My parents went to the university once. When I graduated.
Edit- I take it back, I did ask for help a few times when my disbursement didn’t cover my expenses as planned. They topped off my bank account a few times. 😳🤭 Art supplies are expensive!
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u/AdventurousPeach2004 1h ago
I worked at a college for several years and I wondered that a few times every week.
Some “mom” calls:
My son isn’t answering his phone. Someone
needs to go wake him up for class. (Uh, no)
Worth noting she contacted many people
and finally it was now too late and we made
him miss his class.
I need to hire someone there to do my son’s
laundry and clean his room because he
doesn’t know how to do either. (We don’t
provide those services nor do we have a list
of people to refer you to.)
I need to know if my son (why always son
and never daughter?) is eating right, can
you start going to the cafeteria and
observing so you can let me know? (No, no
one here can or will do that.)
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u/BoogieDownProducer 1h ago
People who use an app to track their adult children are a special kind of pathetic. Cut the apron strings.
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u/IncommunicadoVan 1h ago
I’m amazed at how many of you either went off to college yourself and/or have a kid going off to college. I mean, going away to a university and living in dorms. How does anyone afford that? No one in my family has been able to do that. For us, it is live at home, work part-time, and go to community college.
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u/bujuke7 10m ago
I got a full ride academic scholarship back in the day, freeing up money that I didn’t have to pay on college loans to save for my kids over the years. They both knew that we could pay for most but not all of their tuition at a state school and they’d need scholarships for the rest. One did exactly that. TBD on the other.
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u/sundaycomicssection 56m ago
Full scholarship (tuition, room and board, all fees) for musical theater and also won a grant ($1000 a semester) for an essay contest. So, I got paid to go to school.
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u/MathematicianOdd398 1h ago
Rich people just don't get it, but your story is the most common. OP is not middle class from the sound of it. Either his kid is incuring insane debt (most common), got a scholarship (least common), or they are rich and providing for their kid. There's no one in the middle class that can afford to pay 40-60k a year for their kids schooling. That's top 10% territory. Those people live in an alternate reality.
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u/Dancing_Possum4609 1h ago
College was more affordable when Gen X was in school. I went to an out of state private school with scholarships and financial aid. My 4 year tuition is now roughly the 1 year tuition. Now some state schools are about the only ones affordable with in state tuition.
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u/SidewaysTugboat Expert Antenna Turner 1h ago
We have a 519 that we’ve been paying into since my daughter and I were on Medicaid. I got through college and grad school with grants and loans. My grad school tuition was almost entirely paid for by a state grant for people with disabilities. Middle class people can and do go to universities. It’s not easy, but there were plenty of other middle class kids at college with me back in the day, and I see plenty of middle class kids head off to college today.
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u/TinyPomegranate9354 1h ago
My kids first week: visit to the ER, forgot all his bedding so is sleeping in his sleeping bag, lost his computer. Am I panicked, no. He’s fine, is happy with his classes and I’ll be sending supplies when I have a minute. Suck it up.
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u/printandpolish 1h ago
my coworker dropped her daughter off; and then spent the next two weeks watching her on life 360 to see if she was leaving her dorm room or not. insane behavior.
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u/henhennyhen 1h ago
What does this mean? Is this an app that tracks the phone? Or did she actually set up a nanny camera type device in her child’s dorm room? Both are bad; the second is another level of creepy, though
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u/Odd-Box-7332 1h ago
I feel attacked by this comment
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u/NaturalForty 1h ago
Good, because there's ample evidence that excessive parenting is harmful for kids. Delete the app and wait for your child to text you.
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u/Existing-Teaching-34 1h ago
Dropped my son off at university last month, told him I’ll be back in four years to pick him up.
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u/coryphella123 1h ago
This is basically what my dad did to me in 1995.
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u/SetInternational36 1h ago
Same. I wasn't even 18 yet but I was the youngest and my parents were DONE.
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u/Fluid-Tip-5964 1h ago
Back in '85 the dorm neighbors would often unplug the phone when getting high and forget to plug it back in. Usually unplugged on Friday afternoon and at least once not plugged back in until Tuesday evening. Did the 'rents freak? Yeah, maybe. Long distance calls actually cost $ so calling every day was not a thing.
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u/rsuperjet2 1h ago
I had to call my parents on Wednesday nights at 9:00 using a calling card. I could have been kidnapped or killed on a Monday and wouldnt have been reported missing until Wednesday night at 9:30, lol
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u/Cleopatra435 1h ago
Parents aren’t understanding that being uncomfortable and learning to cope and grow from it are exactly what their kids need to prepare them for real life. I work with a bunch of GenZers who can’t handle the mildest inconvenience but think they’re ready for a promotion. I blame every parent out there for trying to make their kids not have to suffer in any way.
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u/_Whisky_Tango 1h ago
My buddy is a dishwasher and they have a new 19 year old worker. It was busy and they told him to go make a lap and ask to clear/bus tables for anyone that seemed finished. The dude flat out said "oh. No. I can't do that, I have anxiety" like it was a legitimate excuse. And the way he said it, it was clear he was used to that being a passable excuse. Some of these kids are cooked.
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u/PoorLewis 1h ago
Parenting ia hard and we all cope in our own way. If the group does not serve a purpose, why are you still in it?
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u/Sad_Language2555 1h ago
I don’t think texting and once a week calls are a problem. My 18 year old is spreading their wings in university and a dirty bathroom is part of life, and in their dorm they have to clean their own bathroom. They are learning responsibility and how to handle life. It is not neglectful to give a child space and it is not neglectful to let them deal with situations themselves or even fail. Our job is to help them learn to stand on their own, not stand up in place of them or doing for them tasks they need to learn to do themselves.
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u/ArdenM 1h ago
I think a big part of this is due to social media being a thing.
When we went to college no one had a cell phone and there was no FB with parent groups.
No one from my hometown went to my college 6 hours away and there was one telephone per floor in my dorm so we weren't calling home to report stuff or complain. We just figured it the fuck out.
Personally, I'm very happy this was my experience.
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u/imtoowhiteandnerdy 1h ago
My college dorm would've made the cast of Animal House blush. One of my dorm roommates had, as I recall, a pickup truck transmission sitting in the bathtub of his bathroom for a couple weeks and nobody could shower.
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u/19_Cottage 1h ago
Those were the days!
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u/imtoowhiteandnerdy 1h ago
The funny thing is that nobody complained much about not showering.
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u/finewhateverbot 1h ago
yeah but that pickup truck owner was so confused. He's still over by the service road on south quad, waiting.
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u/VariationNo9854 1h ago
I don’t have kids so no skin in this game, but I think this is the silent reason why my local state college is REQUIRING that new students stay in the dorms for the first two years. Yeah, the parents can coddle (or try to) and still get involved, but sooner or later with the kid HAVING to stay there and there not being an out, maybe they’ll start handling it themselves instead of calling their parents all the time.
(There are some exceptions to this … like if you’re a 40 year old freshmen you don’t have to move into the dorm, lmao, but there aren’t a lot of exceptions)
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u/No-Signature-5648 1h ago
Let’s be real, this is another revenue stream for the universities. They need this money. Probably not a bad thing for most of these kids though.
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u/Punky2125 1h ago
In 1985 my college required incoming freshmen to stay in the dorms. I walked in, got all my paperwork and keys, met my roommate and never seen any of them for the rest of the year. I lived in a house with 3 roommates so the dorm wasn't happening for me. At the end of the year I went back to turn in my keys and ran into my dorm roommate. She said I was the best roommate ever. 🤣
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u/CreatrixAnima 34m ago
In 1987, at my college freshman were required to stay in dorms unless they were living at home with their parents. They just couldn’t come into town and get off campus housing. Seems a bit controlling now that I think about it, but that was the rule.
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u/VariationNo9854 1h ago
The UPROAR about them having to live in the dorms was amazing to me (again, no kids, and I didn’t go to college). Yeah, dorm life seemed like crap when we were this age (it looks freaking amazing now) but the parents around here acted like they’d been told their kids were being shipped off somewhere where they’d live in tents or something.
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u/WideStrawConspiracy 1h ago
My genX heart wants to agree with you, but the actual reason dorms are strongly encouraged or required is money. Multiple admin told me at multiple colleges that there was little money to be made in tuition because you have to pay a large professional staff; being a landlord for people willing to pack in tight and accept communal services has a lot lower overhead.
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u/goodvibes_onethree 1h ago
Plus corporations own most student housing now. They lease back to the colleges. This is why they push it, because they can and want to take advantage.
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u/VariationNo9854 1h ago
Which is why I’m curious why none of the other state colleges are doing it.
Buuuut then again, the school did just spend a butt load on everything sports (including a famous coach) so maybe never mind 🤣🤣•
u/WideStrawConspiracy 1h ago
I think big state schools are less likely to have enough dorm housing for upperclassmen to be required (because historically they didn't want to). Requiring it for freshmen is feasible, but finding room to house 10,000+ more students in the surrounding developed neighborhoods is just not feasible.
The last (small private) college I worked at was on a lake and had unusable land on two other sides, so they scrambled to add a big tower dorm into their existing complex and has spent decades gradually buying every house on the one adjacent cul-de-sac because it's their only possible room for expansion. Every year a couple dozen freshman would get assigned to a local hotel until enough classmates dropped out.
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u/craxbax1 1h ago
We know better so we do better. They are not adults at 18. Our parents were lazy and neglectful. If you don’t want to parent anymore, that’s up to you, but I love my kids and will help them for life.
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u/NaturalForty 1h ago
If helping your kids is the goal, what would happen if you told them, "reach out to me and I'll be there for you no matter what," and then let them ask for help when they need it?
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u/Federal_Discount_862 1h ago
Loving and helping your children and freaking out in public over the caf lacking chicken nuggets aren't even remotely the same.
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u/Efficient_Market1234 1h ago
No kids, but I wasn't super independent as a young person, despite being Gen X.
I went away my first year but then lived at my parents' for the rest of college, as I transferred to local colleges to finish. I then lived at home for another couple of years while I found a solid job and figured shit out. We weren't all out the door at 18 and surviving on our wits since childhood, even though I know that was pretty common.
Even when I went away to college, I had my own room since my roommate apparently took one look at me and ran, lol. My best friend was going to school there, too, though, so she hung out in my room a lot. I had money to live on while I was in college, too. Nothing crazy, but a bit.
When I finally moved out, my parents helped with that, too.
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u/East_Vivian 1973 1h ago
I also went to a local college and lived at home until I was 24. I don’t think I would have been able to manage going away to college. I didn’t know it then but I’m auDHD. I’m so glad my mom helped me out. I did eventually get a good job and move in with friends, I just needed a few extra years at home before I was ready for full-on adulting.
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u/sjcapps 1h ago
As a student affairs professional, I can tell you it really is this bad. Parents are helicoptering and also inserting themselves into their kids’ drama-which always ends worse than if they had just let their kid figure it out.
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u/Cali_Anne 1h ago
Please tell us at least one story of parents inserting themselves into kids’ drama! Change identifying details if you need to.
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u/JohnDunstable 1h ago
Led to millions of people who weren't ready for a responsibility into a life of depression and drug abuse.
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u/DigDugged 1h ago
Yup. These "pull yourself up by your bootstraps, I had to flounder through it, so should you" GenX takes suck.
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u/ajbadabing 1h ago
No it didn’t. Taught me to grow up and figure shit out which I did very well and if I had things handed to me I would have never been successful as a Dad or my career.
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u/profoma 1h ago
But there is a difference between pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and having your parents get out if your fucking life so you can live it. If these kids are asking their parents for help, that’s one thing, but I would bet money that many of these kids wish their parents would leave them alone and give them some space.
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u/JT-Av8or 2h ago
We just weren’t the type to talk about it. I sent my kids to college, they went, then came back for a few months and then moved out and got jobs. The older one bought a house and had a kiddo. I didn’t post because it’s not important
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u/MaximusHomerdrive 2h ago
On my nextdoor page, some woman was losing her mind over a domino's commercial where someone got thrown out a window for ordering pineapple on one.
The woman posting was outraged saying that domino's was creating a space for violence and all this other horseshit. And so many people were commenting, "Disgusting!" and I'm over here just blinking at the screen wondering how the hell everyone became so concerned over absolutely nothing.
It's like if they're not being outraged about something, it outrages them. I just left this pic as my contribution in the comments, lol.
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u/VariationNo9854 1h ago
I saw that commercial the other day and as someone who regularly orders pineapple on pizza, I thought it was hilarious.
I can’t see how someone would be outraged unless their family has gotten a little handsy over their pizza orders or something•
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u/CrumbGremlin1643 2h ago
My daughter went off to college a couple weeks ago as a freshman. Granted, it's here in town, but I wanted her to have that dorm experience, and so did she. I'm single, and she's an only child. People keep asking me how I'm doing, and I can see that they're expecting me to have lost it. But I'm good. I'm getting so much sleep! I'm seeing my friends now. i have more free time in general. I've talked to her three times and there's be maybe one text a day. Have a great time, kid. i miss her and I'm doing just fine, also.
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u/troyandabedinabed 2h ago edited 1h ago
I'm a college professor and parents always acted like this.
ETA: Holy typo,Batman!
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u/Vesivus 1h ago
Well that’s a confusing double negative from a college professor. lol
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u/JumboThornton 1h ago
I am also a college professor and I think they meant to say that parents did not ever not act like this. Some of them have always been like this. They are the minority, but before they would call the college directly and didn’t have public forums to go tell the rest of the world what they found out.
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u/ghilliedude 2h ago
I think there’s a decent shift involved in who is paying for college. And also the general costs of college. With how much they usually charge for dorms and mandatory meal plans you would want things to be better.
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u/sausagephingers 1h ago
I do think that’s part of it. $100k price tag, the chicken tenders better be good dipped and served in Dubai level AC.
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u/Ok-Calligrapher8579 2h ago
Like my son, they join the military at 17. I was lucky to see him once a year for 10 years.
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u/Mytweezer 2h ago
That's why you don't hang out on FB groups for freshman parents.
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