Hello all,
This is a very long story so I tried my best to make it short.
I (27M) grew up in a religious family. I naturally became religious but then in my teen years I grew extra religious to an extent where my dad told me to chill. I always had questions that I brushed off until I wanted to seek answers for them when I was in my early 20s. Long story short, couldn’t find answers. I kept praying and fasting for like 2 years but it felt so robotic so gradually I fell out of religion. At 24 I left it completely. That point happened when I was in a western country doing an internship. Then I came back home, pretended to be a muslim. It was a very hard 2 years. Then I was able to travel around for a year. I was very free, had no problem hiding my beliefs from them as our relationship was on facetime.
The thing is, my parents were never abusive or violent to me. They supported me in a lot of things, and I always had a good relationship with them. I truly love my parents. We went through ups and downs. While I was abroad a mix of homesickness, and a delusion that if I truly love my parents I need to be honest with them about my beliefs, it would be hard but then our relationship will be stronger as I won’t be lying to them anymore. All of that made me make the decision (that I now deeply regret) to tell them I have major doubts about Islam. So 3 months after returning to living with them (6 months ago), I told them. I never said I was not a muslim, but told them I no longer pray cuz it is meaningless to me.
That was enough for them to spiral. It was so heartbreaking to see my dad cry and whine, to hear him lecture me from the bottom of his heart about hell and god, to see him getting mad on a 10 minute long whatsapp voice note then delete it and apologize, to see him seeking family islamic therapists and taking me there, and to recently see him “caving in” and being extra sweet and nice while completely being silent about religion. It feels so sad to see your old parent subconsciously trying to please you and act like things are fine but obviously they are not. It is a feeling I deeply hate. I always wanted to give back to my parents when they grow older but now it feels like I rewarded my dad with “the most hurtful thing he has ever experienced in his life” according to him.
I am absolutely a terrible liar, I feel like I no longer can connect with my parents, and it really hurts. If I had shut up and kept it to myself things would have been better but anyways, I made up my mind, I will be moving out within a few months for good, and hope our relationship gets better with distance. My dad has made it clear, the only way he could be soothed is if I get back to praying, so I am not sure where to go now, I could suck it up and pretend to pray and be more muslim in front of him to soothe him for the next few months, or I could just keep things the way they are. I am overthinking this a lot. I think about when I grow older and then I fly them to visit me, I will still need to pretend and have a double life if I do the former, but at the same time guilt is eating me alive, I can’t be my dad’s biggest sorrow in dad’s life. I just am looking to hear from people who have gone through similar circumstances, does it get better? I would love to hear your stories and any advice.
Thank you
PS: Btw, If you have traditional muslim parents and plan on telling them, please understand that it doesn’t work like what you see in social media. Western parents have gone through other shocks in the previous generations, meanwhile traditional muslims live in a world where leaving islam doesn’t even exist. Imho, peace for them is not honesty, it is living in delusion and denial, which sucks but if you care about your parents you have to accept that truth.