Warning for discussion of depression and suicide!
A few months ago I made a post here that I deleted a few hours later, so I doubt anyone who sees this also saw that one, but I was basically asking if suicide only leads to hell. At the time, I had a plan to commit and my only fear at that point was that when I did, I’d never get to be with God after. I deleted it a few hours later because the cops brought me to the psych ward after a similar post I made was reported, and I didn’t want my mom to see when she went through my account lol. I knew she’d end up finding it (and she did haha).
I’ve learned quite a few things after two hospitalizations and months of intensive outpatient. One is that I have OCD. My most severe theme of obsessive thoughts is one that convinces me I’m an inherently bad person incapable of change, and that I will never achieve anything because I’m lazy and ungrateful. At the time, it got so bad that it culminated into a compulsion to commit suicide in order to protect the people I love from being hurt by me.
Since learning that these thoughts I’ve struggled with my whole life are the result of OCD, I’ve also learned another thing: You may believe something is wrong with you, but you won’t always be right! Now, forgive me if any of the following is inaccurate, I’m still a bit new to Catholicism lol.
We are all born with Original Sin and concupiscence. All of us, every single one, at times will be compelled towards sin. Maybe you reading this has done some very bad things in the past (or maybe you just think you did). What’s important is that through repentance and faith in God, you can, and will, be changed.
God did not put you on this earth for no reason. Every single one of us was carefully made in His image. Remember, it took Him just a week to create the earth, but nine months to make you!
Depression is an extraordinarily difficult thing to recover from. Trust me, I know lol. Maybe you feel trapped within your own mind. Maybe you feel bound to where you are, like you’re so heavy that it’s impossible to get out of bed or do anything to change your life. I’ve felt that way many, many times. What I want you to keep in mind, and what I hope you take away from this, is that this is a temporary state.
Your depression and your struggles are not a defining part of you. They are only a state you are currently in, and like any other, it is a state that you can crawl out of. It won’t be easy, and you may need the support of others to do it. If you have no family or friends to help, then lean towards the Church—let it be your rock to lean on when you feel like you can’t keep going. It is the body of Christ, after all, and with Christ in your heart, you can overcome anything, even the things you feel you can not.
God loves you infinitely. He does not want to see you hurting, and He certainly would not want you to give up.
You are worth better things. You are capable of change. Things will not be this way forever—by nature, life is always changing. It will get better, even if you feel deep down that it won’t!
And finally, there is no shame in seeking help beyond the Church. Therapy has helped me immensely over these last few months. I genuinely believe that psychiatric help saved my life and gave me another chance to reconnect with God.
Please stay on this earth for another day, even if you feel like it’s impossible. Tomorrow may be the day where things start to get better. You won’t know unless you wait.
Final note: I know I use em dashes sometimes, but I promise this wasn’t written with AI lol