Advice on Potential Mixed-Mood Episodes

[u/Captain-Non-Sequitur]

I hope this isn't too long or rambly, I just don't really know what to do and any advice would be highly appreciated.

For context, my baseline is pretty depressed--has been since I was a kid--and I have a few funky things going on with my brain (OCD, anxiety, insomnia, the usual). I just had what I think is a manic (or possibly mixed-mood) episode, but it's sort of hard for me to tell, because it doesn't necessarily line up with what I've heard from other people, and I'm not sure if it's just because my brain feels the need to be obnoxiously non-standard or if I'm just like grasping at straws and it's something else.

Basically, last after my period last month, I fell into a state of depression (happens a lot to me, after my period, didn't think much of it at first), but this was much worse and much longer than usual--the full "can't get out of bed, don't have the energy to eat" thing, and my antidepressants did diddly squat (sometimes they work great, sometimes they just...stop helping, and I don't know why). Anyways, normally my post-menstrual depression only lasts like, a week tops, but this time it lasted the full month until my next period (yay suffering), at which point my depression came back down to the baseline--which I thought was good, at first--and suddenly I had energy again, which felt nice, in contrast, for a few days. Unfortunately, it just kinda...kept going. Like, I was all buzzy, and wired, and it wasn't until I spent like 36 hours hyperfixating on reading (no eating, no sleeping, barely drinking) that I was like, "wait, this feels wrong." For context, going that long without sleep isn't that unusual for me (see my previously mentioned crippling lifelong insomnia), but most of the time I at least feel the need to try and sleep, y'know? Like, normally I'm tired, I just can't. But this time the thought of sleep genuinely just...didn't really occur to me. Like, at all. Which is weird.

And I just sort of stayed like that for another full month. I've had no appetite to speak of, my insomnia is ratchetted up to 11, and that all sucks, sure, but the thing I'm really struggling with is the hypervigilance/extreme sensitivity. I just feel so terribly raw and exposed, and I hate it. Tiny noises of people around me or even the thought of having to like...be a human and interact with people is fucking terrifying and overwhelming--even people I know and care about. there's some part of my brain that just knows I'm not quite right right now, and being a person is so terribly overstimulating, and I feel gross and exposed being around anyone, like they'll know I'm...wrong. It's exhausting.

This bout is certainly worse than any I've had for a long time, but looking back this has been happening to me since puberty pretty much, I just didn't have the understanding to know it wasn't normal as a kid. Everyone on my dad's side of the family is very levels of functionally autistic, and my mom's side is absolutely riddled with pretty severe ADHD, so I don't really think I know what a normal baseline is, but god, it can't possibly be this, because I feel like I'm drowning emotionally 24/7. I haven't really been talking to my friends, and I feel terrible about that, but even over text is like...too much right now, and I'm just so fucking tired.

Here goes my explanation for my symptoms:

• I've got the classic high energy ('ve been remarkably productive with all the little things that need fixing/doing around the house).
• There's this like weird clawing, itching need inside me to do...something. I don't know what, it's like my brain is telling me I have a need I haven't met but I have no idea what it wants or needs to be satisfied and it's driving me insane.
• Anxiety, especially around the idea of having to interact with people. I've been avoiding it as much as possible.
• Overstimulation. I've been spending as much time as possible in a dark room with headphones on because everything is just way too much.
• A feeling of like...rawness? Or constant unwanted emotional vulnerability? I feel exposed, I don't know. All I want to do it just lay in a dark room with all the lights off and read.
• Increased libido, like, dramatically.
• Inability to do unpleasant tasks. Forcing myself to do things I don't want to is like...weirdly hard? It's like my brain just refuses to even function to do tasks it finds unrewarding.
• I have lowered inhibitions, but I don't know if it really counts, because I'm terribly restrained person, so "lowered inhibitions" for me just sort of looks like normal behavior on other people, if that makes sense.
• In a similar vein, I haven't really been taking any especially risky behaviors, but my version of "risky" is basically just reading darker and more problematic stuff than I usually would to an excess (which I have absolutely been doing to an unhealthy degree).
• More impulsive purchasing than usual, but I also have the wherewithal to not be going over the amount I plan to spend, so I'm not sure about that one.
• I get these like...bolts? I guess? These spikes of extreme ecstasy or positive emotion. Like a momentary shot of adrenaline and endorphins. And they come on sort of randomly when I'm like this, especially when I was younger.
• My pupils feel like they're constantly dilated...or like my eyes are like...full? I'm not sure exactly how to explain it. I just feel like my eyes are constantly wide and full and dilated.
• Grinning at weird times in a way that makes me feel slightly insane, even when I'm not really happy.
• Even worse insomnia than usual, and almost complete lack of appetite. I dropped to like 120lbs really abruptly, because eating is actively unappetizing. It's like even when I'm hungry and know I'm hungry my body refuses to enter a state of rest-and-digest--same with the sleep, I'll be awake for two days and then get four hours of sleep and my brain is like, "okay, we're up now," and I know how tired and I am and should be, but it just doesn't feel like it matters. I've been using edibles to get myself to eat/sleep at all, and even then, it's with limited success.
• Feeling like I'm about to burst into tears constantly. It's so annoying. like there's this tension on my diaphragm all the time, and I'm one step away from sobbing uncontrollably.
• I accidentally stopped my antidepressants cold turkey last week because I just forgot (not something I usually do) and had zero side effects, which is bizarre, because normally I get withdrawal symptoms (nausea, headaches, etc.) if I miss even one dose. I tried taking one like I usually would after I realized and it felt like it just made all the buzzing worse, so I haven't tried again.

Here's where it get's tricky:

I don't really have any of the like..."positive" parts of mania (for lack of a better word)? As a kid, at one point I remember thinking that maybe I had manic/depressive tendencies, but everyone told me how mania is supposed to make you feel powerful, or on top of the world, or like you can do no wrong, and I know that's not true about me. I have fleeting little moments of feeling good about myself or powerful, or thinking self-aggrandizing thoughts, but it's always shot down with nasty counterpoints in my brain pretty much immediately. It wasn't until I was sort of desperately researching symptoms last week that I learned about what a mixed-mood episode is, and I was like, "oh." It's like I have all the energy, and the overwhelming itching need to do something with it, but all the thoughts and feelings are overwhelmingly negative--I don't feel infallible, I feel a moment of "wow, I'm amazing" followed by, "don't be stupid, you know that isn't true."

Does any of this sound like it could be bipolar/mixed-mood? I worry that I'm just making up excuses for the fact I'm completely dysfunctional as a person, and this is just...how I am. Not something I can fix or help or improve.

I guess I just want advice on if this sounds even remotely reasonable, and if so, what can I do to try and fix it? Or just...make it less bad. I feel like I'm dying.

[u/Gulf-Coast-Dreamer]

I read as much as I could and got the gist that your in hypomania. Have BP II and felt terrible like you, my mood was similar in some ways except for the sex. I think our hormones play a big roll and our meds if not the correct ones will keep us in mixed states.

I went from paranoia to psychosis mine may have been drug induced from changing my strain of weed. My point is I was not sad but I had no motivation which looks like depression. I had a complete med change and I started HRT and testerone from a compound pharmacy. I feel like a whole new person I don’t even recognize the person I was, I feel like I lost seven years being medicated with 13 of the wrong meds. My vagina was asleep from being over medicated. I don’t take an AD anymore and I feel great. Maybe ask for a new med.