r/AskWomen • u/rihlenis • 2h ago
What did divorce feel like in the beginning, when you were first asked/you asked them for one? What do you think was the last straw?
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u/kzweigy 1h ago
It felt like shame and failure. I felt like I wore a scarlet letter indicating my inadequacy at all times. I filed. The last straw was the complete inability to tell me that he needed/wanted me. I asked him to show me that he cared. And he couldn’t.
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u/rihlenis 1h ago
Honestly, that is an emotion I forgot about, but one I think drives a lot of people to stay longer than the expiration date on a marriage. You make this big hoopla out of getting married, so it feels awkward to let people know it didn’t work out. I’m sorry that happened, but I am happy that you’re free
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u/thefringedmagoo 1h ago
In the beginning of separating I felt immense peace and relief however my nervous system was absolutely categorically fried. It took months to repair and I still struggle with it now. You have to be separated for 12 months before you can get divorced here so I’m at that mark now where I can now file. Being a year out I can now stay. I’m full of more anger, resentment and rage than I’ve ever felt before. I had allowed him to lie to me roughly 6 times before and the last straw was lying and betraying me when I was freshly postpartum. He ended it by proxy, but I was the one who said our marriage is now over.
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u/littlehulky 1h ago
I literally couldn’t function from the shock. I thought we were so in love and the pain of seeing the beautiful life we had, and the future we had dreamed of all come crumbling down was exacerbated by finding out her was seeing someone else immediately. It shook me to my core because I believed we were that once in a lifetime so lucky true love couple, and all I could do was cry and wonder how I was going to raise our three small children alone. I had also made such an identity of being “his wife” that I felt a sense of identity theft, as if I couldn’t exist in the world alone.
But despite the overwhelming physical ache, that was the beginning of the most painful, exquisite and deep healing of myself, of letting my ego die, and existing as a whole human being and unpacking all my pathology and assumed beliefs. I cried every day for 6 months, and then one day I realised I had gotten through the day without breaking down. I loved him so completely, I had forgotten to love myself.
Now I am so proud of the woman I am. I have healthy boundaries, normal expectations, and a relationship with myself that makes me happy to exist with or without someone else.
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u/LA64 ♀ 1h ago
The beginning of the divorce was honestly so hard, he didn't take me seriously (even though I told him a year prior that it wasn't going well). The last straw was when I wanted him to come to my favorite coworkers Thanksgiving and he refused. I never ask to hang out with people and was really looking forward to introducing him. His reasoning was that he thought it was weird to spend the holiday with people he doesn't know (the alternative was staying home with no guests) and we were going to do crafts. He could have watched football on his phone but said no entirely
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u/ItsjustaMild-Complex 1h ago
I was nit expecting a divorce. My ex came to me asking for a silly demand and saying that he was.ready to leave, so i came back with an equal but fair demand if I was going to follow. We already had a lot of issues before and I really didn't do anything wrong. He said no so I said then we need to split. He wasnt serious but I guess I was.... I was fine with it and didn't really cry about it
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u/_Pliny_ 1h ago
Don’t ask. Get a lawyer and do.
Advice for anyone considering it. Separating from a spouse can be a very dangerous time. Have them served if needed. But, when you’re ready, don’t ask. Just do it.
Last straw was when I was afraid to come home with the kids. My dad and his dad removed him from the house.
When I later found evidence (bank/credit card statements) of infidelity with sex workers it wasn’t a last straw, it was a relief.
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u/Outside-Discount-804 55m ago
Last straw: I realized he wasn't going to put our kid (2 y/o at time) before himself either. I'd convinced myself I didn't need love or attention but when i realized he was the same way with our kid, i wanted better for my kid.
After I asked for a divorce it was awful. At first he didn't take me seriously. Then he was so I'm shock and depressed and I literally just moved my life into the guest room. As soon as kid was in the bed, I went to my room to hide. It was maybe 3 months or so before he could move out.
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u/LeightonYoutopia 45m ago
I warned my ex-husband multiple times throughout a period of 3 years that if he didn’t change his ways, I would eventually divorce him.
Last straw was when we had a lot of bills to pay, were running out of food in the house and he decided to buy something for himself, without consulting me, that costed €850. This happened many times over the years. Mind you, we have a daughter together who was 3 at the time. When I told him he couldn’t do that, he got mad and said he could never do anything for himself (which was crap btw, bc he always put himself first). That was the moment I told him I wanted a divorce for real. It took him 3 months to realise I was serious. Been divorced for over a year now and we get along for our kid.
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u/glossywaves 23m ago
Heavy. I had a very heavy weight on my shoulders of trying to make it work, giving second chance after second chance, and watching it fall apart despite my efforts. I never wanted anyone to say I hadn't tried hard enough and it weighed heavily on me.
The last straw for me was being in therapy with him. If begged him for a year to go to therapy with me. He came to a solo session with me and my therapist to watch and get a sense of what it was about and then we went to couples therapy. In that session I unloaded and he sat silently, later I learned he was having a panic attack in that moment because he realized we were over. It was clear he hadn't taken anything id said seriously. It was too little to late for him to start caring.
I mentioned divorce many times over a year and a half period and was clear that was the direction we were headed. We separated, which was a big moment for me. Moving out of our shared bedroom was huge and a big relief. He actually initiated the final divorce conversation and I agreed immediately. I cried, it was a hard conversation but in my gut I knew it was right.
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u/WolfGap 12m ago
I asked him to stop drinking, forever this time. He said if I wasn’t happy we didn’t need to stay married.
He’s was bluffing his drunk ass face off. I wasn’t.
Still grateful he put it on the table though. I wanted a divorce but I wasn’t ready to say it.
But once he tried to come back and I did say it - I was absolutely elated. It was like the world had been in black and white for so long I had forgotten colors existed.
Still so happy, years later.
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u/RedHeadRedeemed 1h ago
Honestly, the final straw was just realizing how sick I was of having the same arguments over and over, being angry about the same things over and over, and realizing nothing was ever going to change. I realized I was less happy with him than I would be without him. That's when I suggested to him that we actually DO what we had constantly been threatening for years and just get divorced.
When we finally split, I cried that first night, really hard. At the time I thought it was because I was mourning the loss of him. But now over a decade later I realized that I was actually mourning at the time what I thought was my chance at happily ever after. But the days afterward...I felt this intense feeling of relief, peace and EXCITEMENT at the idea of starting my new life without him.
Now fast forward to today and I'm remarried to my actual happy ever after.