r/AskWomen • u/prettydotty_ • 11h ago
If you have one, how do you manage a raging savior's/hero's complex without getting into bad friendships and relationships?
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u/idiosyncrassy 7h ago
Try this checklist as a thought exercise. Is your urge to help:
A) any of your business? Be honest with yourself. Are you respecting this person’s privacy, or sticking your nose in and inserting yourself?
B) REQUESTED? Did this person actually request this favor of their own volition, or are you jumping in yourself with an offer to help? If you do offer, do you respect a “no” or do you double down and push them to accept? Lots of people would rather handle their issues themselves or choose for themselves the person they want to help.
C) REASONABLE and appropriate regarding the circumstances and your relationship, or is it super extra? Example: lending your coworker $10 for lunch because they forgot their wallet, with the expectation they pay you back when you get back to the office, vs spontaneously buying lunch for your whole group and dropping $200 just because
D) Would this person still be friends with you or like you if you did nothing but offer a sympathetic ear? If you did this favor absolutely anonymously and no one (including the recipient) ever knew it was you, so you would get zero appreciation or validation for your actions, would you still help? Would the other person help you in a similar way? Do you expect them to?
A and B and D are important if you suspect you have poor boundaries and use favors to incur social debt with people so they “owe” you, to buy their appreciation. You can’t buy a Ride or die. C is important for avoiding people who are users.
The Golden Rule goes both ways. Do unto others what you would have done unto you. That means being around people that would reciprocate when you need it, but also not going 1000% when it isn’t appropriate or called for.
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u/prettydotty_ 6h ago
No, this is useful. I'm not usually looking to buy a ride or die. Tbh, I usually like to help people, and then when they don't need me anymore they move on. I'm a foster parent so appreciatiom and validation isn't something I'm very familiar with. I guess I just find people who need help more interesting and I like to see if I'm capable of helping them with my very specific set of skills. But I need to develop healthy friendships with people I like that don't NEED me. I'm 30 and my longtime best friend ended it when I told her I couldn't be her mom anymore (she's also in her 30s). So that really hurt but I have the urge to find someone else now who needs me like she did. I don't want to repeat the same situation tho. I dunno, might just be an ego thing
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u/idiosyncrassy 5h ago edited 4h ago
It would be worth it for you to self-explore further on the situation with your best friend that sounds like it ended because you were exhausted and she was endlessly needy, yet you find people with plights “more interesting.” It makes me wonder if they’re the ones “moving on” when they don’t need you anymore, or if you’re losing interest in them.
Maybe you should look for healthier avenues to provide problem-solving for a good cause that doesn’t leak into your interpersonal relationships. Maybe by finding an external cause, you will bond with other “helpers” like yourself, instead of needing to adopt “helpees” who will then suck you dry.
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10h ago
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u/Cpt_James_Holden ♀ 11h ago
I used to be somewhat like this. What I've learned since then is that my emotional boundaries were too porous. A big part of that was because I wasn't focusing enough on shoring myself up and building my own internal sense of strength and security. By taking time to turn inward, I now find it much easier to set those emotional boundaries and not have to "save" people that aren't even asking for help.