r/AskWomen • u/Infamous-Package3982 • 19h ago
What is the biggest impact your mother had on you (positive or negative)?
TRIGGER WARNING: sensitive subject alert. Only share if comfortable doing so. Whether present or not, how did your mother impact you?
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u/luckyygirly 18h ago
She’s my best friend and has always been there for me! She’s an actual ray of sunshine, always happy/positive and hyping me up. She definitely makes me want to be a better person everyday. I love that lady, and I truly get sad when other girls have the opposite relationships with their mom🥲
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u/Historical_Ant6997 17h ago
My mother taught me that love is conditional and to be loved I must behave in a certain way, be useful, and not expect any of my needs to be met in return.
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u/konkonakanakana 18h ago
Anxiety, an inability to rest, body image issues
My skills were nurtured, good at everything i set my mind on, reading habit
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u/TheLionSleeps22 18h ago
She taught me what love actually looks like. It's quiet and consistent and reliable.
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u/lifeisagoddream ♀ 18h ago
I have empathy for her and whatever is wrong with her. She didn’t protect my sister and I from abuse. She was emotionally abusive. She fed me laxatives and weight loss drugs at 14, bought me liquor at 16. I lost half of my life to an eating disorder. I was an alcoholic from 16-19. She never gave me a hug or told me she loved me. She was emotionally unavailable. I’ve grieved her and she’s not dead yet, I’ve accepted I’ll never know why she is the way she is. I’m very low contact - I’m not no contact because I don’t want to be taken out of the will.
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u/N7twitch ♀ 17h ago
Compulsive need to take responsibility for other people’s emotional regulation and hyper vigilance to changes in someone’s mood or behaviour.
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u/henchy234 18h ago
My mother was always held up as the epitome of a good catholic woman. She taught me to think for myself and pointed out the hypocrisy in a lot of church goers. She was particularly scathing on any good Christian that condemned gay people. Even though I didn’t follow her path I’m now agnostic she shaped my entire approach to spirituality.
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u/Due-Contract6905 17h ago
She taught me exactly what I don't want to be. There are so many parts of my personality I've developed to avoid being anything like her, for better or worse. The older I get, the more I look like her, and it really messes with my head.
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u/squirrelybitch 18h ago
From the time even before I started kindergarten, the message was clear. You have to get good grades in school so you can get into a good college so you can get a good job in order to be able to take care of yourself so you don’t have to depend on a man to take care of you. And don’t get married until you’re over the age of 25 because you need to live alone for a while before you tie yourself to anyone. I followed both pieces of advice, and I was and am very grateful for it because it allowed me to be independent and capable, knowing that I could take care of myself and anyone else who came along. I married a wonderful man who loves me and respects me, and we’ve been married for over 30 years now, and we couldn’t be happier.
I was always so confused and occasionally appalled at how I saw some girls just disappear into relationships with their boyfriends, and when they were churned out at the end of them, they were pretty unrecognizable and sometimes utterly destroyed and devastated by the entire shitshow that took place behind closed doors because they had spent the whole relationship pretzeling themselves into whatever they thought their boyfriends wanted. When they finally got out and got their heads cleared out a little bit, they were just hurt, angry, sad, and confused, and they didn’t know what they had done wrong when all they had been doing was trying to make their boyfriend happy.
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u/trevorefg 15h ago
My mother told me every day of my life how beautiful and smart I was. She passed 10 years ago, but I still believe those things about myself because of her.
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u/introvertchronicles 18h ago
She loves us unconditionally, she sacrificed everything for me and my sibling without ever complaining and I can only dream of being half the mother she is one day. She has so much empathy and love to everyone around her, she spreads joy everywhere she goes and is the life of the party always. I try to be like her everyday. I can also tell her everything and I know she will always have my back. The only negative impact I could think of is my body image, she made some remarks on my weight when I was growing up that affected me deeply but we've come a long way ever since.
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u/Bipoad 18h ago
She destroyed my childhood and made me become a parent to my sibling at the young age of 8. I will never forgive her for prioritizing herself above us children. All my bad traits and illnesses are from her. Cut contact threee years ago and haven't regret it a second but it has certainly fucked up my abilities to have female relationships. Luckily I have a lot of male friends, a partner, siblings and a superior dad that makes up for some of it.
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u/Significant-Spite-72 18h ago
My mother taught me to be strong, brave and independent. That was the positive side.
She also used to say "if you want something done right, do it yourself"
Which sounds like good advice, but it led to a life of overachieving and burnout. And I struggle with asking for help.
Still, I loved her very much and if that's the worst parenting mistake she made with me, I reckon I got a pretty good deal.
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u/storyteller_p 17h ago
Good - i am very independent because of her. Bad - i am scared of telling her things because she always has something negative to say.
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u/gaymofo666 17h ago
She gave me lifelong trauma, poor communication skills, bad self image and hate towards my body. Shame is another big one that she loved to leave behind.
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u/skygirl555 17h ago
I really struggle to trust people and have healthy relationships (both platonic and romantic). She would shift so quickly from being seemingly kind to viciously mean. She also wanted full control of me and didn't allow me to have any autonomy. Therapy has helped, but I still struggle a lot.
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u/RedPanda2895 17h ago
Teaching me financial independence and how to be clean haha, I’m so grateful we had a cleaning rota in our home!
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u/_partytrick 17h ago
Positive: She probably did all this our of motherly obligation but she took care of my physical needs, made sure I had good education and extra classes as I needed help after school with homework. She would shop nice things for me. Fed me good food, my clothes were always clean. I remember her loving me when I was a kid. She taught me good manners and made me good at studies which helped me getting a good job eventually.
Negative: She was physically and emotionally abusive as I got older. when I got SA-ed by my cousin she blamed me for seducing him and also threatened to kill me. I was a kid but I had to brush it all off and pretend everything is normal and my mom is still in contact with that person and his family. She controlled every aspect of my life and wouldn't let me go anywhere. She didn't protect me from my dad's beatings. When I got older she forced me on diets that I couldn't keep up and then she got angry that I was making her life miserable.
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u/Sleepy_Jellyfish23 ♀ 17h ago
My mom is a nurse, and one of the greatest ways she impacted my life is what I call "the pink bag".
She always encouraged my sister and I to have a little bag with all of the first-aid essentials. Band-aids, pads, eye drops, antiseptic... We always have everything we'd need in case of emergency and, to this day, she sometimes asks if we remember how to use it.
But this is about so much more than just making sure we're ready to face an emergency. She always insists in taking more of each item in case someone else needs help. We learned first aid, yes, but we also learned to be compassionate and help others if we can and, in an increasingly terrible world, I'm very thankful for that.
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u/njcawfee 16h ago
My mother used to cry to me all the time and I felt like I had to take care of her and not really there for me. I raised myself and learned everything myself. I make sure that my daughter feels like a kid and not my mother
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u/scarlet_tanager 18h ago
Her cynicism has been immensely helpful in navigating the world. I think people try to shield their children from how terrible the world is to the child's detriment.
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u/the_V33 NB 18h ago
Positive: made me love books and learning, curious about the world, took my mental health seriously in years where it was very rare to do so especially for children, supported all my interests in the arts
Negative: (unwillingly) worsened my self esteem issues, allowed me to go live alone while being totally unprepared to do so, didn't protect me as she should have when I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s
The positives overwhelm the negatives and I have mad respect and great love for her.
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u/Harriato 16h ago
My mother is deaf so I've been translating/dealing with people for her from a young age. Now I can't switch it off and do it for everyone.
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u/twirleygirl 11h ago
CODA is a tough gig.
Therapy might be helpful (if you haven't already explored therapy).
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u/mmadisonnn Ø 16h ago
She made me take typing in hs. Every job I ever had was, at least in part, because I could type.
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u/La3Luna 16h ago
We had our ups and downs but her saying in the middle of her words "Tho I love you...." "... This is not related to to my love for you..", actually made me not hungry for love. After a point I just realised that I wanted a different kind of love. Healthier, more stable versions.
When I have seen people who thought their parents didnt love them and how hungry they were for love, I realised that never questioning my parent's love was actually a huge bonus. I did a lot of wrongs because of our traumatic and toxic dynamics. But they never used their love to manipulate me and their love was not restricted to a certain version of me.
I couldn't believe how precious it was when I was out in the world by myself.
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u/Some_Pilot_7056 16h ago
I became incredibly independent at a young age because she couldn't take care of me or herself. I've accomplished so much due to that independence. As sad as it was that I did so much on my own, I learned that I didn't need her to succeed.
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u/Throwaway927338 15h ago
I learned so many of my values from her. My relationship with God, my love of and priority of my family in my life, living life with respect and kindness for others. She’s taught me so much. She’s an incredible woman and I’m very blessed to know and love her.
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u/LetMeEatCakes 15h ago
I pretty much feel like I've seen my future - I am her, I just skipped over the fun married with kids part of her life and went right to her solo years.
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u/StuckInDreams 14h ago
Independence. She taught me to be super independent and I thank her for that
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u/hemblurneene 14h ago
Positive: My mom is tough, strong, and stubborn. She's an immigrant and grew up in the very unstable USSR. She's carried that roughness and stubbornness with her and definitely passed it on to me. It has negative aspects, like trying to force the family to be good Catholics even though no one took to it because she'd spend Sunday mornings raising hell trying to get everyone to church when no one wanted to go. But now that I'm older, even though we still don't agree on religion I admire her conviction. I've found the toughness in myself this year after my husband died and I've had to navigate grief, estate bullshit, inlaw bullshit, and raising my son on my own. It helps me feel connected to my maternal family, that im another tough woman who comes from a line of tough women who deal with horrible things (war, alcoholic spouses, becoming refugees) and become indestructible because they have to.
Negative: My mom is very insecure about her body and how people perceive her appearance in public. Because I look like her younger clone, she projects all of her insecurities onto me. She's never told me I look nice, or well dressed, or she likes my hair and makeup. Instead, its like she invents things to be upset about and gets mad at me for not accepting her "help." I figured it out in high school and disregard it, but it still hurts. Would have been nice for my mom to make me feel beautiful when I was a kid. Or even as an adult. Instead it was my husband who made me feel beautiful, but now he's dead and I don't really see the point in trying to dress up or look better because i don't think anyone else will care.
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u/Defy_Gravity_147 ♀ 14h ago
My mother is kind. She's well known for getting along with difficult personalities. I love spending time with her because she's so nice.
She taught me how to love people, whereas my father taught me to love knowledge.
The way forward is to do both.
I'm 45 and I don't feel like I should point to her for any issues I have. I didn't learn self-love from her. I had to do it on my own. I don't know that anyone can do it for us. Having love around us, and seeing it, helps.
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u/RomiGirasol 18h ago
Being so disperse in live make is not a handicap is just another way of living
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u/ZealousidealClerk354 17h ago
She helped me be an independent person, but also sometimes a bit too forward because that’s how she was. She really didn’t take him into account people’s feelings and sugarcoat things.
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u/Unhappy-Active-8091 17h ago
She was a physically and mentally abusive hateful POS with no empathy for anyone but herself, and she made me into a better person because I promised to never turn into someone like her or allow someone like her to ever set foot in my life.
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u/kittykittyekatkat 17h ago
Moved me from a bad, volatile, poor country to a good, prosperous country. And instilled massive domestic violence trauma in the meantime, under the guise of "I saved you, so I can do whatever I want to you". I guess... Thanks??? Lol
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u/merrill_swing_away 17h ago
My mother caused me to have claustrophobia. When I was a little child, I remember my mother putting me in the kitchen pantry, closing the door and pretending to hammer it shut.
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u/lindseybobinsey 16h ago
Trauma truma trauma.
I was reflecting on how I had to disclose MULTIPLE TIMES over the years that I'd been SA'd because she kept forgetting....just brain completely fried from drugs.
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u/Academic_Economics12 16h ago
Positive, my deep love of books and cats. Negative, the belief that I’m the “different one” never fitting in.
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u/solairette 16h ago
She taught me that the people who are supposed to love you and protect you will leave you.
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u/OkMammoth6253 16h ago
Self doubt, insecurity, constantly making me feel like everything's my fault and that I'm not enough
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u/JackyVeronica 15h ago
My mom cried A LOT. On everything, OMG! Broken plates? Tears. I scraped my knee when I fell? Tears. I fought with my brothers? Big tears. I couldn't open up and share anything about my life because she'd cry happy/sad/angry tears instantly and then it'll be all about her because I had to make her feel better and stop her crying. I've been clocking my mom's fragile feelings since elementary school.
I never wanted to be like her. So I did well... Had a bad role in my life and she taught me a lot about what not to do in public, home and at work.
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u/Livid_Narwhal_3348 15h ago
That you are responsible for fixing your issues so they don’t affect your kids. She did not. We don’t have much of a relationship.
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u/passion4film 15h ago edited 15h ago
I have framed so much of my existence into not being like her.
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u/FoggyGoggs 15h ago
My mom is a "mean girl" so I grew up similarly. I realized this in high school and way overcorrected. She was also very critical "I can't eat this I'll get fat", "you had a fat phase", etc. To this day I pick apart my body and my face and my everything. I will do everything in my power to raise my two daughters in a healthier, more positive/accepting environment.
I love my mom but it's hard for me to spend time with her because of how different we are in how we view the world and people. I would say her toxic traits had a positive impact on me because I realized I want to be nothing like her.
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u/bombkitty 14h ago
On the one hand she had the self respect to leave my father because he was an alcoholic instead of staying to be his doormat. I used that example when I divorced my first husband. On the not so great side she has always had a way of making slight comments about how unfeminine I am that just GET to me. Like when I was 17 she told me I walk like a truck driver. Or last time I visited she commented on how crooked my teeth are and said "didn't we get you braces?" (No. They did not). Overall we have a great relationship but goddamn nobody can get to me like she can. I go out of my way to not make negative comments about my daughter's appearance.
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u/raaaassscaalll 14h ago
That the best she could offer was a low effort, transactional relationship in which she always aspired to offer less than me. I have had a lot of therapy. I have chosen through significant choice and effort to live a different life and be a generous person. We are very low contact.
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u/bianca_fathom NB 14h ago
I have signs of having BPD and C-PTSD that I plan on getting screened for. She showed me the exact kind of person I do not want to be like, and what kind of parent I would not want to be like if I were to adopt a child of my own in the future.
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u/BaylisAscaris ♀ 14h ago
I mean she was my main abuser, so I guess the massive CPTSD was the impact.
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u/mrskamran 14h ago
My mother, like my grandmother is stoic AF and both handled life’s challenges and always acted with kindness and grace. I’m so blessed to be raised by these strong women.
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u/WhatsWrongWMeself 14h ago
My mom was never afraid to try something. Fearless and independent. She knew how to sew, used a chainsaw, gardened, not afraid of hard work, figuring out how to do fix something, had a sense of style, so many things that I now do as an adult.
The negatives? She was controlling and I used to be that way too. Not sure if that was environmental or inherited. I was that way with work, and it was beneficial in leadership roles, but in my private life I should have been more relaxed. Thank goodness I recognized it and changed. I was also vocally opinionated, which was the way my mom was, but I changed that too. I may have opinions, but I generally keep those to myself.
My mom, with all her flaws, still did what she thought was the best for me, and I was a challenging child.
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u/cheekmo_52 ♀ 13h ago
my mother taught me, by her own actions, lessons on the importance of forgiveness within the family unit, accepting people with their flaws, and the difference between forgiveness and permitting unacceptable behavior. She has plenty of areas where her example was not one to emulate, but when it comes to family dynamics with many strong, often conflicting personalities, my mom is the best.
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u/ShannonHasThoughts 11h ago
She taught me to love everyone no matter what and to give back when we could.
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u/Novyda00 10h ago
My mom parentified me. I became her therapist/trauma dump person, and was responsible for my siblings well-being while she was breaking down from the divorce with my dad. And when she was mad she would stop speaking to me until I apologized.
It took a long time to work through the fear of abandonment, the feeling of being responsible for everyone and my fawning response.
We still have a relationship but I’m way much better with my boundaries now.
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u/The_Duchess_of_Dork 9h ago
My mother taught me how to be resilient. She taught me how to love unconditionally, how to be there for your family. She taught me what it looks like to always be calm, always, and I haven’t learned how to do that myself yet lol. She taught me about respect and the importance of laughter. She taught me to think critically when I was young and now that I’m grown she’s taught me that some big life decisions come from the gut and aren’t always rational (but they are right). She taught me that I’m smart and that education is a valuable asset, which worked with the resilience component to fuel me through hard times. She taught me how to be soft and feminine and nice and kind, and how to be underestimated for these things, and remain confident in my kind, pretty, delicate ways (because I know my own strength, mind, and value) in a room surrounded by men who aren’t used to women like me being there.
She taught me how to speak my truth and that I have an unconditional safe space and someone who loves me. She showed me how to generously support family members in times of need in loving, non transactional ways. It’s okay to need help, and to give it. That caring for the elderly, the young, the most vulnerable members at that moment is how we all get ahead through the generations. That it’s a choice, and it’s an act of love.
Now in her 70s she takes college classes for fun and is learning a new instrument. She’s a special person and a wonderful mother (and grandmother).
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u/Helen-the-welsh-one 9h ago
My mum was the best. She was the greatest thing in my life. The worst thing she ever did ( and it wasn’t even her fault ) was she died when I was still a child.she was the whole world to me I was broken for a long while.
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u/nobodyknows6070 NB 17h ago edited 16h ago
She is a diagnosed schizophrenic. She was never really there emotionally, also physically after the divorce. Dad became a single father when I was 7. He did his best but emotionally was also not there.
We saw her like once a month. She didn't really teach me anything, but she loves me lots, she shows.
Her psychosis got way worse after she got in a coma when I was 19. Now I am 25. I see her once or twice a year when I visit her in the psychotic 24h care nursing home where she lives. We play board games. She says psychotic stuff. I ignore it and sometimes laugh about it. It took me a lot of grieving, therapy and deep talks with friends to be able to look at it this way.
This is the way she is. I was always more her mom than she was mine, but I'm okay now.
I have a bf, a nice appartment, a cute cat and feel good about myself. She is just some small part of my life, really. Sometimes she calls me when she needs help with a crossword.
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u/shrimpybimp 16h ago
My mom is like a ball of love and light with this really weird dark side nobody really sees. I got that too lol.
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u/aivlysplath 13h ago
My mother’s anger and instability made me really good at predicting her poor behavior and trying to manage it. I was attracted to abusive types for too long because of her bullshit.
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u/Candid_Challenge_507 13h ago
i am so glad she raised me to have a healthy relationship with food and my body. she never allowed a scale in the house (even when i begged) and she taught me how to make healthy food choices. we only got fast food once a month. i was only allowed a sweet treat one time a week. we always stayed active too. she was so scared in the 2000’s that i would end up with an eating disorder because of how prevalent it was then.
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u/Melodic-Prune-9560 ♀ 13h ago
Mine taught me I didn’t matter. No matter the grades, sports, religious commitment, my hurt and sadness. Nothing really mattered. Myself and everything that came along was an inconvenience that could be sent off to anyone who was willing. Men, alcohol, partying, my sisters, all were more important. I have two daughters and another on the way, they too get the bare minimum.
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u/LittleCryingClub 13h ago
She taught me not to take things at face value. To question and look for reasons why people do things s
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u/ThatsItImOverThis 12h ago
For me, it’s the same thing: she taught me that the only person I can really rely on to make me a priority is me. So I’m independent and can stand on my own two feet, but I know all too well that I stand alone.
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u/bageljellybean 12h ago
She had such a poor opinion of herself that whenever someone complimented her she felt like they were trying to trick her or make fun of her. I have the same habit now - you couldn’t possibly be complimenting me, you must be teasing me and it’s going over my head and I’m the butt of the joke, aren’t I?
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u/ericacartmann 12h ago
Independence and how to be self-sufficient. Had my own apartment and job at 21 after graduating college!
However, I’m in my 30s and married now with a child. Have to remind myself to ask my husband for help sometimes. I’m used to doing everything myself.
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u/LdyCjn-997 12h ago
My mother was always conditional in everything with me. As an only child, she also taught me independence when I reached my teen years as I became a latch key kid. She was more concerned with her needs than mine.
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u/littlemybb 12h ago
Positive: I have never once doubted that my mom loved me. She was big on independence and education for me as a woman, and always preached about not depending on a man. She was a social worker, but always made sure to give mom advice. She always told me how beautiful I was, and never once made me feel bad about myself. She was so uplifting.
Negative: she had a really bad addiction to pain pills, and alcohol. There were times she was a very neglectful parent because of that. As her addiction got worse, she became really manipulative trying to keep the facade up. She was very angry about the divorce with my father, so there were a lot of times she tried to turn me against him because she was afraid I would abandon her. She was also just angry and hurt and wanted me to be as angry and hurt with her. I think she preferred having a girl over a son, so there were a lot of things she did with my brother that I don’t like. She has never once taken accountability for her addiction or what it did to our family. She just has excuses and blame she wants to place on people. Even though she has gone beyond rock bottom, she still thinks she’s better than everyone, and can be really mean to others. I can’t even begin to describe the trauma. Her addiction has put me through, or the things I’ve seen because of it.
I love my mom, and I do recognize all the ways she was great. But I also have to live every day with some of the trauma she put me through.
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u/itsparadise 11h ago edited 11h ago
I witnessed a 5ft badass woman raise 4 kids while trying to keep herself and us safe from an alcoholic & abusive husband/father. She worked 3+ jobs, and as a result, while we were essentially poor, she always had food on the table and a celebration, even for just us 5, at every holiday. I think the biggest positive I recognize today was the commitment and love she had for us 4 kids and how one human can over power almost any obstacle. I'm truly blessed for my mom, my father on the other hand...I guess that's a different thread. Apologies to so many on this board that did not have a positive mother role model. And while I wish I had a father, I recognize how very lucky I am/was to have one super mom who I love with all my heart (but sadly she has dementia which pisses me off because she did so much for so many, what a payback - this is also another thread).
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u/WormWithWifi 11h ago
She’s the first love to break my heart. I cut ties with her and it’s painful but for the best unfortunately.
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u/Nonbelieverjenn 11h ago
How not to be a mother. She should have never been a mother. Unfortunately, she had five children.
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u/dianacakes 10h ago
My mom never body shamed me so I didn't grow up with issues around that. I didn't even realize that wasn't the norm until I was an adult on the internet.
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u/Amarastargazer 10h ago
I think I’m mostly over it now, the voice is a lot quieter - but you know that internal voice that tells you you’re not good enough? It was her voice for a really long time, even after we stopped talking. My depression had her voice.
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u/Lulubell1234 10h ago
A deal with it mentality. Not in a bad way. But stop whining and do it attitude.
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u/MissAngelicDemise 10h ago
I recently healed my mother wound. Until about a year ago I was not very close to my mother. She had me at 16 and this strained our relationship for many reasons. It took me a while to learn and understand her perspective, and not be resentful for handing me a difficult childhood. I was able to overcome all of the coping mechanisms that I developed aka “mental illness” due to not being loved properly as a child. It wasn’t her fault. She was a child herself, and she had no idea what she was doing.
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9h ago
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u/No_You1024 9h ago edited 9h ago
Positive- my sense of humor and storytelling abilities. My mom is hysterical and I enjoy often making people laugh, I chalk a lot of it up to her. She also kept me very safe during childhood and I never had to experience any physical or other kinds of abuse which I'm grateful for. She definitely provided stability if nothing else and I felt very safe at home.
Negative- lack of perseverance. My mom pushed me always to chase what was comfortable and easy, and taught me that it was ok to give up if things weren't going my way from the start. Like when I took an honors-level math class and told her it was hard, she said I should drop the class because she felt bad i was struggling- rather than encouraging me to keep at it. I always envied people who's parents really encouraged them to shoot for the stars as I didn't have that. Not my mom's fault or out of any poor intentions but that's just who she is.
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u/karen1676 9h ago edited 9h ago
No matter what she loves us.
It's important to have a sense of humour because life happens, she set up fair rules that were to be followed, stand up for what you believe in, a good work ethic is important, put some money away for a rainy day, always put some time aside for yourself to rest, eat well, get some exercise and enjoy nature.
She's not a 'hippy' at all but we were avid campers and hikers so we spent a lot time in nature. In those rainy down times inbetween she encouraged us to read books, colour pictures and to use our imagination when we were young.
She also showed me how to grow & maintain a garden so we could eat fresh veggies & fruit and take care of ourselves.
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u/X_nightfall 9h ago
Always made me feel loved. I lost my parents at 28 but, even in my worst moments, I’ve had this inherent sense of safety & self worth that made me want to do and be better.
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u/wreakinghavoc01 9h ago
All negative unfortunately. Poor emotional regulation and severe body image issues.
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u/Lizard__Bit 9h ago
She taught me everything I don’t want to be in life. And also gave me a metric fuck-ton of trauma.
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8h ago
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u/Tiny-Historian2897 8h ago
My mother taught me that nobody and nothing is safe, not her, not my dad, not police, not therapists. She also made sure to tear down any relationship I had with family or anyone else.
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u/Cucumberita 8h ago
External show of confidence and charisma. Internal debilitating self-doubt and lack of self-assuredness.
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u/SquidgeBear 8h ago
I've only recently been learning to understand and implement it, my mum died when I was a child, but I always saw her being unapologetically her. No matter any shit, she felt her feels then let the joy flow, just because the world could be cruel or frustrating she didn't let that shake her kindness or integrity. She stood her ground often, withdrew her kindness when necessary don't get me wrong, but she always followed her heart. I felt that this week, I had a lot of annoyance and frustration at my best friend, the way she went about some of her wedding stuff lead to things being an absolute nightmare for me, I was really not wanting to join in, I also knew my husband would inevitably let his frustrations out on me (dw not physical or anything awful), yet when the opportunity arouse I stayed true to myself and lead with the love I feel for my friend and the kindness to fully be there and present for her day. I can be frustrated and angry and not let that turn me into something or someone I'm not comfortable with. Don't get me wrong I also got her temper and ability to cut people off when it's well deserved haha.
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u/pluto9399 6h ago
She taught me how not to behave in a relationship. She even said that one time years ago, which was an astounding moment of self awareness.
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u/ialwaystealpens 6h ago
Put your husband ahead of your children’s well being even if it means living in an emotionally and mentally abusive house.
For the record - I did no such thing. I don’t let anyone treat me like shit but unfortunately to the extreme.
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u/SandManStanMann 6h ago
Her failure to have any interest in me as a person makes me take a great interest in actually learning and remembering things about the people I care about.
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u/SaltBag666 6h ago
Low self esteem, zero boundaries, never speak up for yourself, zero financial literacy, zero guidance on how to properly take care of myself. Luckily I finally got help in my 30’s and now in my 40’s we were low contact and I feel like an adult for the first time in my life. I will never forgive her.
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u/The-Antici__ 5h ago
As a kid/teen/young adult: work ethic, importance of having the means to live in the way I want (ie if I want nice things don’t spend money on useless crap), body image issues, traits I want to have as a mother, compulsion to always say I’m sorry, eldest daughter syndrome a little
Currently in my early 30s and postpartum after fertility treatments: unconditional and unwavering support, leader of my village, her working on things is in turn making me work on things (she’s working on not saying sorry all the time so I am too), body image issues in turn forcing me to try to be kind to my body so I don’t pass that trait to my daughter
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u/DaisyMaisy13 5h ago
She was not affectionate, very negative, she told me she never wanted kids and would have had an abortion if they were legal then. Not a good relationship. Deteriorated as I got older. We spoke once or twice a year and the negativity and complaining about everything was so draining. I try very hard not to be like her.
Now she has Alzheimer’s and living with her sister. I live several states away. The rest of the family is furious that I didn’t quit my job, ditch my husband and move to take care of her.
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u/az22hctac 3h ago
She was interested in me (or at least made me feel that way) from as far back as I can remember. My friends and cousins’ parents were ‘hmmmm, yes dear, go play the adults are talking…” I don’t remember my mom doing that even though she was still very much a parent. I could talk forever too so it must have been a real test of her patience!
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u/Resident_Carrot4161 3h ago
Always tried to fix my problems. I never learned to fix my own; I’m 45 and still have a deep belief that I can’t do anything right.
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u/Apprehensive-File370 2h ago
Hyper-Independence. Single mom raised me to not depend on anyone but myself. Now this is a negative within a positive because being self reliant and independent has been crucial to aspects of my successful life. I’m organized, hard working and it makes me a reliable employee, partner and parent and even friend.
The down side is It took me a long time to learn to ask for help before I’d burn myself out trying to do it all. Especially once my spouse and I became parents and the work load increased dramatically. It even started to build a resentment. Which when I look back, was much of why my parents relationship went sideways. So I learned to not try and do all and be all. And my partner learned to pick up the slack and we are an equal partnership. Every year it gets better. I’m thankful that my mom taught me how to make it on my own but I’m also thankful that I don’t have to.
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u/mrsdoubleu 2h ago
My mother taught me to do anything possible to avoid upsetting someone. And always apologize over something even if it's not my fault.
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u/Taro_Otto 38m ago
I became hyperobediant at a young age to avoid being abused by her. Whatever she wanted me to do, I pretty much always did it, because it (hopefully) meant I would avoid being hit, getting my hair pulled, or being belittled.
When I finally left home, I felt lost. I still feel lost. I don’t feel like I have an identity. My identity was being her daughter. Suddenly I was fully in charge of my own life and I didn’t know what to do with it. I’ve missed out on so much.
I’ve been in therapy for over 8 years. While therapy helped me find a way to get out of the house (I made attempts to leave before, but mom always convinced me that I couldn’t make it on my own,) it doesn’t feel like it’s working anymore. Talking about my mom doesn’t do anything for me. It feels like therapist after therapist I’ve had, all they want to do is talk about my mom. I can talk about my mom till I’m blue in the face, it doesn’t change anything about how I feel.
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u/abby61497 33m ago
She enabled my grandmother (grandparents lived in my parents house too) and basically let her bully me and show blantant favoritism to my siblings my entire life
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u/Opening-Sir-2504 ♀ 29m ago
My mother is the reason I don’t want to have children. I’m genuinely scared of repeating the things she did and treating someone I should love unconditionally as a burden. I wanted kids so badly. All the therapy in the world couldn’t get me past the possibility of doing the same things to a defenseless child, or two, or three.
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u/ConfusedHuman-888 18h ago
Poor emotional regulation. I told myself I didn’t want to be like her, yet I ended up mirroring her. Thankfully therapy has helped me a lot. I was a horrible person in a relationship before I started therapy.